Anonymous
08/17/2015 07:56
Subject: Re:I'm lost. DD told me she was raped.
I am sorry for what happened to your daughter and wonder how she is doing now. How is she?
I was raped when I was 18, as a virgin, and I avoided any sexual relationship for the next two years. Then I had a loving boyfriend and began a sexual relationship, leading to a series of relationships and eventually marriage. I was probably rather inhibited for a long time, and harbor negative feelings towards men, but eventually I got over it. Of all my issues that I deal with, things that cause problems for me in my life, rape is not at the top of my list.
I agree that it is good that she told you. I never told anyone for years. In a way it got losing virginity out of the way, but obviously it would have been preferable to pass this threshold with a loving partner.
I think a key to recovery is the ability to separate oneself from the act. I never felt guilty or bad. It was just something that happened and made me afraid but not something that defined me.
I was raped when I was 18, as a virgin, and I avoided any sexual relationship for the next two years. Then I had a loving boyfriend and began a sexual relationship, leading to a series of relationships and eventually marriage. I was probably rather inhibited for a long time, and harbor negative feelings towards men, but eventually I got over it. Of all my issues that I deal with, things that cause problems for me in my life, rape is not at the top of my list.
I agree that it is good that she told you. I never told anyone for years. In a way it got losing virginity out of the way, but obviously it would have been preferable to pass this threshold with a loving partner.
I think a key to recovery is the ability to separate oneself from the act. I never felt guilty or bad. It was just something that happened and made me afraid but not something that defined me.
Anonymous
08/17/2015 05:59
Subject: I'm lost. DD told me she was raped.
Anonymous wrote:Report this to the police, ASAP. Even if it is too late to collect evidence and hard to press charges, at least then the kid wile have a police file in case this is a pattern of behavior.
Is he at her school?? Is she in danger of running across him?
Anonymous
08/17/2015 00:45
Subject: Re:I'm lost. DD told me she was raped.
OP,
I was raped over 30 years ago by a popular teacher when I was 13. My father knew something had happened because I told my cousin something right before I went on my first ever (alone) group camping trip for two weeks. When I came back he stopped the car, started asking me questions, and when he started crying, I quit.
It took my mother saying almost a year later "it's not like you were raped!" to say that yes I was.
I was a lot less sophisticated than your daughter - not in high school and did not think the degree of the violation mattered and did not want to tell my parents anyway in detail - and I thought that if he crossed a line, he crossed it.
We tried to report less than a year later to the Md police, who said "give us his name and we will shake him down and scare him" but given the demographics of Md juries where it happened, the fact that I was white and he was black and there was no physical evidence and I did not tell anyone immediately = no possibility of a conviction. So we did not pursue it. We had a civil settlement with the school which turned out to mean nothing but they all relied on my faith to keep him at the school where they could "keep an eye on him" although they failed to do that at all.
Years later I had found more victims (boys and girls - he was a pedophile) right when he was being nominated to head a charter boarding school (see how well my school had upheld its part of the settlement to warn people).
I think there is a step in between reporting and not, where you alert the police that this is not a one hit wonder, but not sure how we did it and he never got arrested.
OP,
therapy and if your gut or your dd's tells her it is not the right person, go back and find someone else. Learning again to rely on your gut is extremely valuable and a good connection is critical for therapy..............
To be absolutely honest even after I told I went through multiple crises including almost successful suicide attempts that required hospitalization
good news I became a successful lawyer and am the mother of three delightful children but it was a long road.....
keep your head up and take it day by day and if you cannot then moment by moment
the model you set of putting one foot in front of the other (my mother collapsed) will be a great lesson and model for your daughter..........
Many hugs and best hopes for what will undoubtedly be a lifelong journey of healing -
there is before rape, and after rape before telling, and now you have to forge a new path..........
You and your daughter are in my prayers.
I was raped over 30 years ago by a popular teacher when I was 13. My father knew something had happened because I told my cousin something right before I went on my first ever (alone) group camping trip for two weeks. When I came back he stopped the car, started asking me questions, and when he started crying, I quit.
It took my mother saying almost a year later "it's not like you were raped!" to say that yes I was.
I was a lot less sophisticated than your daughter - not in high school and did not think the degree of the violation mattered and did not want to tell my parents anyway in detail - and I thought that if he crossed a line, he crossed it.
We tried to report less than a year later to the Md police, who said "give us his name and we will shake him down and scare him" but given the demographics of Md juries where it happened, the fact that I was white and he was black and there was no physical evidence and I did not tell anyone immediately = no possibility of a conviction. So we did not pursue it. We had a civil settlement with the school which turned out to mean nothing but they all relied on my faith to keep him at the school where they could "keep an eye on him" although they failed to do that at all.
Years later I had found more victims (boys and girls - he was a pedophile) right when he was being nominated to head a charter boarding school (see how well my school had upheld its part of the settlement to warn people).
I think there is a step in between reporting and not, where you alert the police that this is not a one hit wonder, but not sure how we did it and he never got arrested.
OP,
therapy and if your gut or your dd's tells her it is not the right person, go back and find someone else. Learning again to rely on your gut is extremely valuable and a good connection is critical for therapy..............
To be absolutely honest even after I told I went through multiple crises including almost successful suicide attempts that required hospitalization
good news I became a successful lawyer and am the mother of three delightful children but it was a long road.....
keep your head up and take it day by day and if you cannot then moment by moment
the model you set of putting one foot in front of the other (my mother collapsed) will be a great lesson and model for your daughter..........
Many hugs and best hopes for what will undoubtedly be a lifelong journey of healing -
there is before rape, and after rape before telling, and now you have to forge a new path..........
You and your daughter are in my prayers.
Anonymous
07/26/2015 15:55
Subject: I'm lost. DD told me she was raped.
OP just hug her. Do r ask questions. Listen.
Anonymous
07/26/2015 15:52
Subject: I'm lost. DD told me she was raped.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Your daughter knew you would be mad about her failing so she made up this rape story, the attempted suicide, all of it. IF this were a true sexual assault, she would have told you the day it happened, the name of the boy. It happened at a friend's house ? Does the friend know ? Do the parents know an assault took place in their home ? If they don't, they need to know. Their home is a crime scene. Has this boy raped any other girls ? Is he in the habit of going to young girl homes and raping the ones he likes ? Why aren't you down at the PD station filing a report ? This needs to be reported. Was your daughter on birth control ? STDs ? Maybe this boy is on the prowl right now. You need to report him !
Kids are smart today. They know how to manipulate adults and where sympathy lies.
This is not the 60s anymore. Sexual assaults need to be reported. If she refuses, you will have your answer.
I'm thinking she failed because school was boring and she just wanted to have fun so she just pissed away a year. Now she's ashamed of failing so she told you this story for you to feel sorry for her.
My niece told this same story when she got caught skipping school and failing. Next came the baby. There was no rape.
You are a horrible person.
Am not your horrible person, but perhaps you believe the truth to sometimes be a horrible thing? Most teens are spinning lies to their parents and teachers, you know. Some lies are bigger than others. But a lie is a lie is a lie...
The fact that you would say that if someone doesn't report a rape, they're lying and it wasn't actually a rape, makes you a horrible person. Especially after reading this thread and seeing reasons listed for someone not to want to tell. Defending it and dismissing all the firsthand experiences makes you worse.