Gaia
06/05/2015 21:40
Subject: Re:I'm Transgender. Come talk to me!
Anonymous wrote:I guess this is more of a comment than a question, and it's a stupid one at that.
When I notice someone who I think may be transgender, I tend to take a longer look at them than I would someone else. It's not general curiousity, but specifically curiousity about their gender. It bothers me that I do this - I don't want to seem like I'm staring, or make someone uncomfortable, or do anything that is unkind or cruel in any way. I think it is my mind's way of trying to categorize, in the same way I take a longer look at anything else when I can't place it in the "correct" mental box at first glance. Again, it bothers me that I do this, but taking a second look seems to happen automatically.
What, in your position, do you make of this? Do you notice people doing this with you at times? If so, is it uncomfortable for you? If so, how can someone like me do something that eases that discomfort? A smile? I REALLY don't mean to be offensive.
I notice, but I've never liked people to pay attention to me. Being in the spotlight, even before my transition, was difficult for me.
I can generally tell a curious stare from a hostile one and while I'd much rather take somebody being intrigued by me over one that makes me happy that looks can't kill, I still get uncomfortable. A smile would help, but not as much as realizing that you really don't need to know the gender or sex of that stranger. You wouldn't stare at an amputee, wondering about how they lost that limb, so please don't stare at me.
Anonymous
06/05/2015 20:37
Subject: Re:I'm Transgender. Come talk to me!
Good thread. Informative and helpful on some levels.
I just have one question and it comes from a very personal place with me.
Why did you get married and have children if you knew it wasn't who you were? I ask this because I'm in the same position as your ex wife. I am she only with 3 children to whom my ExH ripped to shreds when I accidentally walked in on him playing dress up. It wasn't fair to me that he took away the best years of my life living a lie.
I just have one question and it comes from a very personal place with me.
Why did you get married and have children if you knew it wasn't who you were? I ask this because I'm in the same position as your ex wife. I am she only with 3 children to whom my ExH ripped to shreds when I accidentally walked in on him playing dress up. It wasn't fair to me that he took away the best years of my life living a lie.
Anonymous
06/05/2015 20:34
Subject: I'm Transgender. Come talk to me!
Thanks for doing this thread. I have a couple questions for you:
Have you watched the Amazon original series Transparent? If so, what did you think of it?
Were you gender non-conforming as a child? How did your parents respond?
Do you have any suggestions for parents of gender-nonconforming kids, particularly of gender-nonconforming boys? I feel like it's easier for gender-nonconforming girls since girls can get away with being "tomboys" as young kids but society is less tolerant of little boys dressing up in princess dresses and choosing pink and purple as their favorite colors.
Have you watched the Amazon original series Transparent? If so, what did you think of it?
Were you gender non-conforming as a child? How did your parents respond?
Do you have any suggestions for parents of gender-nonconforming kids, particularly of gender-nonconforming boys? I feel like it's easier for gender-nonconforming girls since girls can get away with being "tomboys" as young kids but society is less tolerant of little boys dressing up in princess dresses and choosing pink and purple as their favorite colors.
Anonymous
06/05/2015 19:48
Subject: I'm Transgender. Come talk to me!
New poster here, coming late to the game.
Can you describe what feeling a particular gender "feels" like? I ask because I'm (born) female, straight, but don't feel any particular strong attachment to being female. As a little kid, I was a tomboy, and wanted to "be" a boy, but I think that's because boys got to do a lot more than girls did. That feeling passed. And I just was what I was.
So this feeling of being either a man or a woman, to the point of being willing to change your physical appearance/characteristics, is completely foreign to me. Is it possibly because it's easier for a female in our culture to be more masculine? Wear jeans? Play sports? Be a firefighter? But it's not as socially-acceptable for men to be more feminine in this culture. Or is it something more? And is it describable?
Usually I feel like I'm an extremely empathetic person, but it's so hard for me to get this. Not that it matters. What others want is fine with me. I'd never stand in your way and I'd always support your rights. I just wish I could "get" it. If that makes sense.
Can you describe what feeling a particular gender "feels" like? I ask because I'm (born) female, straight, but don't feel any particular strong attachment to being female. As a little kid, I was a tomboy, and wanted to "be" a boy, but I think that's because boys got to do a lot more than girls did. That feeling passed. And I just was what I was.
So this feeling of being either a man or a woman, to the point of being willing to change your physical appearance/characteristics, is completely foreign to me. Is it possibly because it's easier for a female in our culture to be more masculine? Wear jeans? Play sports? Be a firefighter? But it's not as socially-acceptable for men to be more feminine in this culture. Or is it something more? And is it describable?
Usually I feel like I'm an extremely empathetic person, but it's so hard for me to get this. Not that it matters. What others want is fine with me. I'd never stand in your way and I'd always support your rights. I just wish I could "get" it. If that makes sense.
Anonymous
06/05/2015 19:40
Subject: I'm Transgender. Come talk to me!
Gaia wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about this too. I do not agree with transgender in any way, shape or form. However, I believe strongly in tolerance. I have no fear or hostility about the issue and feel strongly appraised of both the scientific and intellectual opinion on the matter. To be respectful to the situation, what terminology expresses lack of agreement, but is unbigoted and not mean spirited. Thank you.Anonymous wrote:What are some phrases or statements you've heard that express fundamental disagreement with your lifestyle, but are phrases that you do not consider mean-spirited, or bigoted?
I understand what you are asking and appreciate that you want to learn how to speak in an unoffensive manner, but I do not feel comfortable teaching you polite transphobic statements. I'm sorry. I can help you research or can point you in the right direction if you would like more information on learning about being transgender, but for my own peace of mind that is the best I can do.
NP here, but pretty sure the original question is a perfect example of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".
Like if you don't like my new haircut, you don't have to say "It looked better long, but I guess if you like it it's fine". If you can't muster up even a half hearted "nice haircut" then don't bother saying anything about my hair at all.
It's not up to you to express disagreement. You are certainly free to think "woah, I can't relate to that lifestyle so I'm kinda weirded out by it" but let that be your OWN problem, and yours alone. Do not make it the problem of the person who has chosen or was born into a particular "lifestyle".
Anonymous
06/05/2015 18:25
Subject: Re:I'm Transgender. Come talk to me!
I guess this is more of a comment than a question, and it's a stupid one at that.
When I notice someone who I think may be transgender, I tend to take a longer look at them than I would someone else. It's not general curiousity, but specifically curiousity about their gender. It bothers me that I do this - I don't want to seem like I'm staring, or make someone uncomfortable, or do anything that is unkind or cruel in any way. I think it is my mind's way of trying to categorize, in the same way I take a longer look at anything else when I can't place it in the "correct" mental box at first glance. Again, it bothers me that I do this, but taking a second look seems to happen automatically.
What, in your position, do you make of this? Do you notice people doing this with you at times? If so, is it uncomfortable for you? If so, how can someone like me do something that eases that discomfort? A smile? I REALLY don't mean to be offensive.
When I notice someone who I think may be transgender, I tend to take a longer look at them than I would someone else. It's not general curiousity, but specifically curiousity about their gender. It bothers me that I do this - I don't want to seem like I'm staring, or make someone uncomfortable, or do anything that is unkind or cruel in any way. I think it is my mind's way of trying to categorize, in the same way I take a longer look at anything else when I can't place it in the "correct" mental box at first glance. Again, it bothers me that I do this, but taking a second look seems to happen automatically.
What, in your position, do you make of this? Do you notice people doing this with you at times? If so, is it uncomfortable for you? If so, how can someone like me do something that eases that discomfort? A smile? I REALLY don't mean to be offensive.
Anonymous
06/05/2015 18:18
Subject: Re:I'm Transgender. Come talk to me!
Gaia wrote:Anonymous wrote:Gaia wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do you think there would have been any way to continue living as a man and being accepting of yourself?
Is there any way you can describe what it feels like to feel like your gender and sex don't match up?
No. I might have been able to suppress my feelings enough to get by on a day to day basis, but I would have been very unhappy.
Every trans person has a different experience, so please understand that my views and history are mine alone.
I felt uncomfortable growing up. I'm a very sensory person, so I've described it as constantly feeling like there was a tag itching me on my clothing, or that uncomfortable toe seam on socks. I was never truly at ease. I didn't hate my penis, but hated that having it meant that I was automatically supposed to subscribe to traditional masculine thoughts and actions. I felt like I was pretending. I would study what boys and men did and then replicated the behaviors that I saw, but constantly felt like I was playing a character.
Transitioning has changed me from wearing an itchy wool shirt to the smoothest, softest silk shirt that feels wonderful when I wear it.
Not the PP. Thanks for educating all of us. I love this thread.
Do you now study women and try to replicate their behavior?
I study women now to some extent, though I've found that being feminine and doing "woman-y" things comes so much more naturally to me than doing "man-ly" things. A lot of behaviors I see women do, I've found that I instinctively do.
When my hair finally grew out enough, I practiced doing hair flips and felt like such an amazing goddess of a women the first time I did it. That was a great experience.
Despite watching women do it everyday, I cannot manage to walk in heels. It's embarrassing to watch me try. I'll stick to my beloved flats!
Thanks for sharing. I am a Cis woman, tomboy. I felt like I had to study how women act (still do) because it did/does not come naturally. Give me sweats and running shoes anyway.
When you walk in heels you have to toe walk (not heal walk) and you have to move your hips or it looks robotic. It looks best if you act like you are walking a straight line, your foot goes right in front of you. Runway models have to be taught this. I bet there are videos on you tube. All my girlfriends practices this in private (or with friends) in front of a mirror before they go out, like for homecoming or prom. It's is not natural for most people. You scrape the bottom of the shoe so it does not slide on slick floors.
I like to find common ground with people. Cheers!
Gaia
06/05/2015 18:15
Subject: I'm Transgender. Come talk to me!
Because people have brought up mental illness: I know mental illness. I've had depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I've taken antidepressants since I was in high school, and I work with people who are mentally ill.
To me, being transgender feels different.
For example, I remember when I started taking my little daily happy pill. A few days later, a switch clicked in my brain as my brain finally had the right chemical balance of serotonin. My depression subdued and I knew that I was who my brain and body had the full potential of being in regards to happiness.
When I first brought up my thoughts on being trans to my therapist, she suggested upping the dose of my antidepressant. That did nothing, so I switched meds. Still nothing.
That same switch happened when I started HRT. My body now has just as much estrogen as yours, and finally I feel at home in my body.
To me, being transgender feels different.
For example, I remember when I started taking my little daily happy pill. A few days later, a switch clicked in my brain as my brain finally had the right chemical balance of serotonin. My depression subdued and I knew that I was who my brain and body had the full potential of being in regards to happiness.
When I first brought up my thoughts on being trans to my therapist, she suggested upping the dose of my antidepressant. That did nothing, so I switched meds. Still nothing.
That same switch happened when I started HRT. My body now has just as much estrogen as yours, and finally I feel at home in my body.
Gaia
06/05/2015 18:08
Subject: I'm Transgender. Come talk to me!
Anonymous wrote:Do you love yourself?
Did you love yourself before?
I do love myself very much. I loved myself before, but in a different way. More of a "Well, I guess this is what I'm stuck with so I guess I kind of have to love it" rather than a full, embraceful love of who I am.
Gaia
06/05/2015 18:06
Subject: I'm Transgender. Come talk to me!
Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about this too. I do not agree with transgender in any way, shape or form. However, I believe strongly in tolerance. I have no fear or hostility about the issue and feel strongly appraised of both the scientific and intellectual opinion on the matter. To be respectful to the situation, what terminology expresses lack of agreement, but is unbigoted and not mean spirited. Thank you.Anonymous wrote:What are some phrases or statements you've heard that express fundamental disagreement with your lifestyle, but are phrases that you do not consider mean-spirited, or bigoted?
I understand what you are asking and appreciate that you want to learn how to speak in an unoffensive manner, but I do not feel comfortable teaching you polite transphobic statements. I'm sorry. I can help you research or can point you in the right direction if you would like more information on learning about being transgender, but for my own peace of mind that is the best I can do.
Anonymous
06/05/2015 18:03
Subject: I'm Transgender. Come talk to me!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Gaia wrote:Hello, DCUM. With all of the posts lately regarding people who are transgender, I've decided to open myself up to questions and discussions. Did you know that most Americans say that they do not know anybody who is transgender? I know that this thread won't be the same as really knowing me, but I figure it is hopefully at least a start.
Some basic information about me:
I was DMAB (designated male at birth), but have been on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) for years. I use she/her pronouns. I have not have bottom surgery and am not sure if I ever will.
I'm in my 30's, divorced with kids, live in VA and work at a non-profit. I'm also the OP of the Wicca AMA, and yes, I'm aware that by admitting to that, people might be less likely to take me seriously.
I understand that a lot of people think transgender individuals are mentally ill, crazy, looking for attention, or thousands of other opinions. That's fine. People can think what they want, and I really do not mind. But please know that even if you think that I'm not a woman, that I'm insane, or that I'm a troll, I'm still a real person on the other side of your computer screen who has feelings that can be hurt. Please treat me with respect, and I'll do the same to you.
So, grab a cup of tea and talk with me.
I just want to say that I am one of those who suspects transgender people might be mentally ill, but this OP really touches my heart. What you are doing by starting this thread and being so vulnerable is amazing and huge and meaningful. Thank you for doing this.
NP, many of us are mentally ill. I take pills, go to therapy, and live in a way that minimizes the effects of my mental illness. I don't see this as any different (though I don't see all trans people as mentally ill)
To Clarify, I am cisgender and when I say many of us are mentally ill, I mean the population as a whole.
Gaia
06/05/2015 18:03
Subject: I'm Transgender. Come talk to me!
Anonymous wrote:Gaia wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do you use the ladies room in public? Ever encounter an issue?
Yes, though I avoid bathrooms as much as I can. I generally wait until I can find a family, single stall bathroom to avoid the issue. I've had people scream when I walk in, go get security, or tell me I'm going to hell.
But on the flip side, I've been punched in the face when in the men's room early in my transition. I've had men threaten to rape me.
Reading this just filled me with so much compassion. Even when you feel as though you are finally living your life in a way that makes sense to you, you must constantly be reminded that you don't fit in anywhere. OF course I don't agree with that, but it just occurred to me that you probably get that message from at least one stranger every day of your life. I can't imagine how demoralizing that must be. I admire your courage and resilience. And thank you for this thread!
Thank you. It can be tough, but to me, is incredibly worthwhile. I hope that by realizing how difficult I, and other transgender people like me, have it you will make it a point to be kind to us. Even a smile if we were to meet in a bathroom helps.
Anonymous
06/05/2015 18:02
Subject: I'm Transgender. Come talk to me!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Gaia wrote:Hello, DCUM. With all of the posts lately regarding people who are transgender, I've decided to open myself up to questions and discussions. Did you know that most Americans say that they do not know anybody who is transgender? I know that this thread won't be the same as really knowing me, but I figure it is hopefully at least a start.
Some basic information about me:
I was DMAB (designated male at birth), but have been on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) for years. I use she/her pronouns. I have not have bottom surgery and am not sure if I ever will.
I'm in my 30's, divorced with kids, live in VA and work at a non-profit. I'm also the OP of the Wicca AMA, and yes, I'm aware that by admitting to that, people might be less likely to take me seriously.
I understand that a lot of people think transgender individuals are mentally ill, crazy, looking for attention, or thousands of other opinions. That's fine. People can think what they want, and I really do not mind. But please know that even if you think that I'm not a woman, that I'm insane, or that I'm a troll, I'm still a real person on the other side of your computer screen who has feelings that can be hurt. Please treat me with respect, and I'll do the same to you.
So, grab a cup of tea and talk with me.
I just want to say that I am one of those who suspects transgender people might be mentally ill, but this OP really touches my heart. What you are doing by starting this thread and being so vulnerable is amazing and huge and meaningful. Thank you for doing this.
NP, many of us are mentally ill. I take pills, go to therapy, and live in a way that minimizes the effects of my mental illness. I don't see this as any different (though I don't see all trans people as mentally ill)
Is your mental illness related to being transgender? Have you transitioned?
Whoops, I wasn't clear. Many PEOPLE are mentally ill, which is why I don't know why people trot that out as a reason people shouldn't transition.
Gaia
06/05/2015 18:01
Subject: Re:I'm Transgender. Come talk to me!
Anonymous wrote:Gaia wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do you think there would have been any way to continue living as a man and being accepting of yourself?
Is there any way you can describe what it feels like to feel like your gender and sex don't match up?
No. I might have been able to suppress my feelings enough to get by on a day to day basis, but I would have been very unhappy.
Every trans person has a different experience, so please understand that my views and history are mine alone.
I felt uncomfortable growing up. I'm a very sensory person, so I've described it as constantly feeling like there was a tag itching me on my clothing, or that uncomfortable toe seam on socks. I was never truly at ease. I didn't hate my penis, but hated that having it meant that I was automatically supposed to subscribe to traditional masculine thoughts and actions. I felt like I was pretending. I would study what boys and men did and then replicated the behaviors that I saw, but constantly felt like I was playing a character.
Transitioning has changed me from wearing an itchy wool shirt to the smoothest, softest silk shirt that feels wonderful when I wear it.
Not the PP. Thanks for educating all of us. I love this thread.
Do you now study women and try to replicate their behavior?
I study women now to some extent, though I've found that being feminine and doing "woman-y" things comes so much more naturally to me than doing "man-ly" things. A lot of behaviors I see women do, I've found that I instinctively do.
When my hair finally grew out enough, I practiced doing hair flips and felt like such an amazing goddess of a women the first time I did it. That was a great experience.
Despite watching women do it everyday, I cannot manage to walk in heels. It's embarrassing to watch me try. I'll stick to my beloved flats!
Anonymous
06/05/2015 17:58
Subject: I'm Transgender. Come talk to me!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Gaia wrote:Hello, DCUM. With all of the posts lately regarding people who are transgender, I've decided to open myself up to questions and discussions. Did you know that most Americans say that they do not know anybody who is transgender? I know that this thread won't be the same as really knowing me, but I figure it is hopefully at least a start.
Some basic information about me:
I was DMAB (designated male at birth), but have been on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) for years. I use she/her pronouns. I have not have bottom surgery and am not sure if I ever will.
I'm in my 30's, divorced with kids, live in VA and work at a non-profit. I'm also the OP of the Wicca AMA, and yes, I'm aware that by admitting to that, people might be less likely to take me seriously.
I understand that a lot of people think transgender individuals are mentally ill, crazy, looking for attention, or thousands of other opinions. That's fine. People can think what they want, and I really do not mind. But please know that even if you think that I'm not a woman, that I'm insane, or that I'm a troll, I'm still a real person on the other side of your computer screen who has feelings that can be hurt. Please treat me with respect, and I'll do the same to you.
So, grab a cup of tea and talk with me.
I just want to say that I am one of those who suspects transgender people might be mentally ill, but this OP really touches my heart. What you are doing by starting this thread and being so vulnerable is amazing and huge and meaningful. Thank you for doing this.
NP, many of us are mentally ill. I take pills, go to therapy, and live in a way that minimizes the effects of my mental illness. I don't see this as any different (though I don't see all trans people as mentally ill)
Is your mental illness related to being transgender? Have you transitioned?