Anonymous wrote:A woman’s value significantly depends on her fertility and beauty. A man’s value significantly depends on his resources, intellect, and character.

I'm sorry did you trip and end up in 1915 somehow?

OP, have you tried visualizing someone else while you are having sex? That might make it better for you. Just try to shut him out. It sounds like you have a good marriage aside from the sex issue. Everyone is different but for me that is like 10% (or likely less, maybe 5% lol) importance. Don't throw a good man away just because you are hung up on your passionate but "dysfunctional" and "angry" ex.

Anonymous wrote:I know someone whose husband initiated the divorce, two kids, she is over 45. She has found the perfect made-for-her partner and her ex has not. They have been divorced for a couple of years.

My ex initiated the divorce, and I've now been married for 13 yrs. He's still unmarried. You never know.

However, I was 34 with 1 child when we divorced. Not sure if that matters.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
LOL
what makes you think such guy exist and wants to be with you? why didn't you find "someone like him just less dysfunctional" when you were 30?

Maybe she wasn't ready for the right person yet back then, because she hadn't learned the important lesson that appearances and "perfect on paper" don't really matter. Now she knows and may be ready to meet the person who is right for her, no matter how imperfect he may seem to others. She may need to ignore what others such as her mom and her best friend think.

right, she has now learned that what really matters is rough sex. good look pursuing that!

Yes, she is being honest with herself. Other women have expressed the same about liking rough sex. Why should she stay in a miserable situation with skin crawling at her husband's touch, all out of fear that she won't find someone else? Why be so pessimistic? A person should not make their decisions based on pessimism and fear. There probably is someone better for her out there, and for her husband as well, someone who likes a more gentle person.

she is being selectively honest with herself - she knows what she wants IN ADDITION to everything else she has. she is not realistic about that thing actually being achievable.

I don't know that she wants all she currently has, everything good about her DH, with the one difference that the sex would be rough. I don't think she said that? She must know that it will be a tradeoff in some way. The thing is that you can't tell yourself all the good things, the list you could read on paper, and make your feelings change. If she could wave a magic wand and have the good facts about her DH make a difference, she would, but she can't. It does no good to point out the great things about the DH. Reviewing in her mind all the good things won't make chemistry magically appear for OP.

Now maybe if there is some issue about anger in her past (a parent like her father was angry? she is angry herself but not expressing it?) that could be worked out in therapy, and the interest in rough sex would disappear? I do not know.

so fu**king what? she needs to suck it up. she is not that special.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
LOL
what makes you think such guy exist and wants to be with you? why didn't you find "someone like him just less dysfunctional" when you were 30?

Maybe she wasn't ready for the right person yet back then, because she hadn't learned the important lesson that appearances and "perfect on paper" don't really matter. Now she knows and may be ready to meet the person who is right for her, no matter how imperfect he may seem to others. She may need to ignore what others such as her mom and her best friend think.

right, she has now learned that what really matters is rough sex. good look pursuing that!

Yes, she is being honest with herself. Other women have expressed the same about liking rough sex. Why should she stay in a miserable situation with skin crawling at her husband's touch, all out of fear that she won't find someone else? Why be so pessimistic? A person should not make their decisions based on pessimism and fear. There probably is someone better for her out there, and for her husband as well, someone who likes a more gentle person.

it's not pessimistic it's realistic. if she could have had something better than her husband, she would have had it years ago - it's not like she married at 15. her husband is the best she can do, overall. she might find someone who will give her the kind of sex she wants, but that's just one of the many many needs she has.

and fear is a legitimate reason to make a decision - it's an emotion that is there for a reason, to prevent us from doing dangerous things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
LOL
what makes you think such guy exist and wants to be with you? why didn't you find "someone like him just less dysfunctional" when you were 30?

Maybe she wasn't ready for the right person yet back then, because she hadn't learned the important lesson that appearances and "perfect on paper" don't really matter. Now she knows and may be ready to meet the person who is right for her, no matter how imperfect he may seem to others. She may need to ignore what others such as her mom and her best friend think.

right, she has now learned that what really matters is rough sex. good look pursuing that!

Yes, she is being honest with herself. Other women have expressed the same about liking rough sex. Why should she stay in a miserable situation with skin crawling at her husband's touch, all out of fear that she won't find someone else? Why be so pessimistic? A person should not make their decisions based on pessimism and fear. There probably is someone better for her out there, and for her husband as well, someone who likes a more gentle person.

she is being selectively honest with herself - she knows what she wants IN ADDITION to everything else she has. she is not realistic about that thing actually being achievable.

I don't know that she wants all she currently has, everything good about her DH, with the one difference that the sex would be rough. I don't think she said that? She must know that it will be a tradeoff in some way. The thing is that you can't tell yourself all the good things, the list you could read on paper, and make your feelings change. If she could wave a magic wand and have the good facts about her DH make a difference, she would, but she can't. It does no good to point out the great things about the DH. Reviewing in her mind all the good things won't make chemistry magically appear for OP.

Now maybe if there is some issue about anger in her past (a parent like her father was angry? she is angry herself but not expressing it?) that could be worked out in therapy, and the interest in rough sex would disappear? I do not know.

To be frank, I am surprised this man can't just do what OP wants. So she wants to be man handled a little bit, so what. OP did you tell him straight out what you wanted? No pussy footing around it? Use crude language if you have to, this is not the time to be embarrassed. Get him a little drunk before hand. This can be solved.

It sounds like you have the perfect husband; rich, treats you well, good father.

Do you have a mental illness?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
LOL
what makes you think such guy exist and wants to be with you? why didn't you find "someone like him just less dysfunctional" when you were 30?

Maybe she wasn't ready for the right person yet back then, because she hadn't learned the important lesson that appearances and "perfect on paper" don't really matter. Now she knows and may be ready to meet the person who is right for her, no matter how imperfect he may seem to others. She may need to ignore what others such as her mom and her best friend think.

right, she has now learned that what really matters is rough sex. good look pursuing that!

Yes, she is being honest with herself. Other women have expressed the same about liking rough sex. Why should she stay in a miserable situation with skin crawling at her husband's touch, all out of fear that she won't find someone else? Why be so pessimistic? A person should not make their decisions based on pessimism and fear. There probably is someone better for her out there, and for her husband as well, someone who likes a more gentle person.

she is being selectively honest with herself - she knows what she wants IN ADDITION to everything else she has. she is not realistic about that thing actually being achievable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
LOL
what makes you think such guy exist and wants to be with you? why didn't you find "someone like him just less dysfunctional" when you were 30?

Maybe she wasn't ready for the right person yet back then, because she hadn't learned the important lesson that appearances and "perfect on paper" don't really matter. Now she knows and may be ready to meet the person who is right for her, no matter how imperfect he may seem to others. She may need to ignore what others such as her mom and her best friend think.

right, she has now learned that what really matters is rough sex. good look pursuing that!

Yes, she is being honest with herself. Other women have expressed the same about liking rough sex. Why should she stay in a miserable situation with skin crawling at her husband's touch, all out of fear that she won't find someone else? Why be so pessimistic? A person should not make their decisions based on pessimism and fear. There probably is someone better for her out there, and for her husband as well, someone who likes a more gentle person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a SAHM or do you work? Whats the division of assets/money?

OP. He makes 80% of our HHI. I said initially that I realize this is a problem. I could support myself but I would need child support for the kids in this area, especially since we want them to go to private school. As for dividing assets, I don't know how that would work. Neither of us came into the marriage with much in savings so I guess we would just split what we do have now 50/50?

I think you need a reality check OP. Have you read some of the other threads on here about women who wish their husbands were home more, helped more, made more money, were more ambitious, better fathers, more involved, more caring? Despite how not in love with your husband you are, you still managed to describe him in your first post as a man that any DCUM woman could dream of: a physician who loves and cares about his job, brings home the bacon and also pitches in at home, is a good caring husband and father. The problem in your situation isn't your husband. It's you. You knowingly married someone you weren't in love with under pressure from your family. Now after 6 years of marriage you're regretting your decision and want your husband to change to meet your expectation of what being "in-love" is, which from your description involves a macho man who wants to "take" you and yell at you when he's angry.

You seem reluctant to go to therapy because you tried it once and it wasn't good. I think you should try again. You're throwing away what sounds like a good man for an illusion. He is not the one who needs to change, you are the one who needs to change by fixing your perception and changing your outlook on your marriage. If you can't do that then you are better off getting divorced, but if you do that you should be aware of the reality of what life will be like after. I can't say that you won't ever be able to date anyone because that's untrue, it will be difficult but not impossible. You will most likely find someone who will give you what you want sexually, but ask yourself if that is a good enough trade off for what you would be giving up to get it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
LOL
what makes you think such guy exist and wants to be with you? why didn't you find "someone like him just less dysfunctional" when you were 30?

Maybe she wasn't ready for the right person yet back then, because she hadn't learned the important lesson that appearances and "perfect on paper" don't really matter. Now she knows and may be ready to meet the person who is right for her, no matter how imperfect he may seem to others. She may need to ignore what others such as her mom and her best friend think.

right, she has now learned that what really matters is rough sex. good look pursuing that!

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm having trouble believing you are 39. You sound like you are 19. Don't you have any single female friends? What do they tell you about the dating scene in DC? It's not a picnic, let me tell you. More women than men.

seriously!
it reminds me of a friend who read "pride and prejudice" at age 37 and became very disappointed with her (very attractive) husband.

Anonymous wrote:
LOL
what makes you think such guy exist and wants to be with you? why didn't you find "someone like him just less dysfunctional" when you were 30?

Maybe she wasn't ready for the right person yet back then, because she hadn't learned the important lesson that appearances and "perfect on paper" don't really matter. Now she knows and may be ready to meet the person who is right for her, no matter how imperfect he may seem to others. She may need to ignore what others such as her mom and her best friend think.

OP I'm having trouble believing you are 39. You sound like you are 19. Don't you have any single female friends? What do they tell you about the dating scene in DC? It's not a picnic, let me tell you. More women than men.