I can't read all of these comments but I just want to chime in to say that I was raised by the kind of mom that probably did the whole "you're hurting mommy's feelings" when I was a toddler and then also told me as a young teen when I had hurt her feelings. And by "told me" I mean not just "hey, that was rude" but like cried and acted like I was the worst person for yelling at her or getting upset when I was going through teen angst and all that crap.

Now I am the type to feel guilty about everything. I'm doing everything I can to not pass this to my child. Understand normal child development, realize that what your child is saying or doing is not personal but (hopefully) age appropriate. When they say something rude tell them it was rude and that it could a hurt a friends feelings but you don't have to lay a guild trip

They don't really hurt my feelings, but when they say something that would reasonably hurt someone's feelings, I tell them that what they said it hurtful and mean. How else are they going to learn how to interact with other people?

Anonymous wrote:I told my DD when she was 7 that she embarrassed me by refusing to go into camp. I once cried and told my 7 yo DS he hurt my feelings when I set up a day at the movies and his behavior was so bad we has to leave.

I so regret putting that on them and wish I could take it back. It's too much pressure for a mother/child relationship. Both words haunt me too this day and my children are much older now.

You realm should let yourself off the hook. I'm sure they are over it. Your kids behaved badly and if they felt guilt well, that's life. That is how empathy is learned. It is not our job as parents to ensure that our children never feel badly. Sometimes there are good reasons for them to feel guilt or remorse. It's all in how you handle it, and in making sure to differentiate between the behavior being bad and the kid him or herself being bad.

I told my DD when she was 7 that she embarrassed me by refusing to go into camp. I once cried and told my 7 yo DS he hurt my feelings when I set up a day at the movies and his behavior was so bad we has to leave.

I so regret putting that on them and wish I could take it back. It's too much pressure for a mother/child relationship. Both words haunt me too this day and my children are much older now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my child doesn't hurt my feelings. he says mean things to me occasionally, but I don't get "hurt." 1) he doesn't mean them 2) even if he did, he is 41/2 years old and I am his mom. Thsi isn't a relationhsip where I'm expecting something from a person and hurt when I don't get it.

you peopel are overinvested in youe kids.

if he says something mean I do correct him - "that wans't nice". But that is all. Really the mom's job is to love and correct and give. Anything we "get" from our kids comes through our own act of loving and correcting and giving. My feelings don't (and shouldn't) depend on how my kids feel about me. I'm not putting that burden on them.

But the whole reason it "wasn't nice" is because it causes (or at least has the potential to cause) hurt feelings. That's the whole reason not to say mean things...to avoid hurting others. I absolutely feel that my child should know that the things she says and does have an impact on people. Encouraging my child to be nice to me, and not say hurtful things, isn't putting a "burden" on her. I think the very idea that I'm "burdening" by teaching her that she should not say hurtful things to me is really bizarre...

I agree with 2nd poster.

My feelings are not hurt easily, but when my 3 yo son spit in my face (WTF did that come from?) I told him it hurt my feelings, along with giving him other reasons it was unacceptable. An earlier poster mentioned being hurt because her kid might want to be held by his dad instead...we'll that kind of thing doesn't hurt my feelings anyway nor should it. But I agree with pp, I want my child to learn empathy.

Yes, I tell my kids when they hurt my feelings. It's modeling high EQ.

Yes, at times. I would never tell my kids that I feel bad if they said I hate you (which I know they don't really mean) or if they hug / tell another family member they love him/her (that was an example an earlier poster had given - that actually wouldn't bother me at all - not sure who'd be so insecure that that would bother them!). But, I have explained to my kids that they hurt my feelings on occasion - usually when I did something nice for them that I don't think they are appreciating. I'm not trying to make them feel guilty but I want them to appreciate what they have and especially if I have gone out of my way to buy them something they like and/take them to an activity they want to go. I don't want my kids going through life being arrogant and entitled. Again, it's not about making them feel guilty but having a sense of gratitude and understanding that the world doesn't involve around them. I think it's a good life lesson for kids to realize their behavior can impact others.