Anonymous wrote:So you have had many convos with your DH (I assume DD was a typo) and he does not care.

Obviously this is more of an issue for you. It sucks, but without your DH on board what do you expect?

OP is not saying her DH doesn't care. She said she and DH have talked with her about it and SHE doesn't care. Obviously he doesn't want her in his house, either, and she is simply choosing to ignore that she makes other people uncomfortable. This is a woman who chose to cheat on DH and ruined their family -- she clearly already has selfishness issues, and what other people want or need just doesn't register with her.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, OP. It's pretty psycho to be dealing with someone so awful. And I don't agree with the posters who imply that you have no right to complain or feel upset because "you signed up for this". No one signs up to deal with someone who is this inconsiderate of others, and you don't have to just accept regular home invasions because this is a second marriage.

This situation is insane. My parents divorced and my dad moved out when I was 8 and sister was 5. I don't recall either of my parents hanging out at each others houses for any period of time. They had keys in cases of emergencies and I'm sure I invited them in occassionally to see my new bedspread/science project/whatever, but there is no reason for one parent to be hanging out with the kids at their ex's house!

Can you install an alarm system and not tell her the code so she can't go in without a kid being there? Has your DH talked to his kids about not letting her in? What do they think? If the youngest is 13 that is plenty old enough for them to understand that this is not her house and she does not get to chill with them and play board games while you and DH are at work. They are not so little and the divorce not so fresh that this should be upsetting to them. She had an affair and left years ago, I can't imagine why your kids think it's fine for her to keep coming over.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not divorced or remarried, so take this with the grain of salt it deserves from someone who has never been in this situation . . .

I'm a lawyer and years ago observed a case very similar to this. The ex-husband actually sued his ex-wife for trespass and other things. It went to jury and he lost. But the real loser was the kids, who were put in the middle, put on the stand, etc. It was awful.

So, while the ex should not be in your house, it sounds like there is no way to stop it without putting the kids in the middle. Don't do that. Be the bigger person. In a few years they'll all be moved out and ex will never be in your house again. But for now, for the sake of those kids who cleary have a mother who will give them lifelong headaches, try to let it go.

A PP here...do you recall what the justification was for the husband losing the case? I mean, this case is a clear case of trespassing. Or does it not count as trespassing because the kids let her in?

As a stepmom to a stepdaughter in her 20's, I would absolutely not advise OP to just wait this out "a few years" when they'll all be moved out. It's very unlikely that all the kids will move out at 18. I thought that so much that was intolerable when my SD was in high school would magically be done with once she was 18. But no, my husband's ex just continued on in the same fashion, and my SD had the same problems moving forward, only magnified in many ways because the stakes are so much higher in adulthood. So I would never advise a stepparent to just put up with an intolerable situation until the children turn 18. OP, it's likely that your husband's ex would keep dropping by while the kids are home from college or even if they lived with you beyond that. Do you really want to sign up for this for another decade, of always having an interloper who could stop into your home at any time? That's why I'm the PP suggesting a move to a new house for a fresh start that would make the boundaries a little easier for these young adults to conceptualize. That house would clearly be "stepmom and dad's house" not "house I grew up in where mom belongs".

Yes, but when they are adults, if they are still living at home, can't they have company over whenever they wanted? Whether it's their mom or a friend?

PP stepmom here. No, when my stepdaughter was living in our home, she could not have company over whenever she wanted. It is our house, not hers. We allowed her to live with us in order to save some money after she dropped out of college, but we purposefully did not make the living situation as attractive as it would have been if she had been living in her own dorm room or her own apartment. Our goal as parents is to launch our children into successful independent adulthood, not making living in our home for as long as possible an attractive option for them. We also had an infant at the time and both worked full time, so we restricted guests to before our own "bedtime", did not allow overnight guests unless it was a really special occasion, and always asked that she check with us first before having guests over. Generally we said yes, but neither of us wanted people just showing up out of the blue at any time day or night. I'm sure we would not have said no if she wanted to have her mom over for some reason, but I'm relieved that it never came up.

OP, you said her response was to feel free to come in to her house. Do that. See how she likes it.

The OP did not say anything about the kids wanting their mom to be the house. Do they?
I still don't see why the ex insists on hanging out in the house and why you have to put up with it. Assuming they have a custody arrangement in place that allows time with both parents how is damaging anyone's relationships for time with parents to be in their respective homes? Also i thought based on the op that the ex was in the house alone for long periods of time for no particular reason. This is not normal who does this?!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before going all crazy on her and your family, have you talked to your husband and has he talked to the ex? It might just need a simple conversation, but don't except the children to thank you for it. In fact they may end up being out of the house more to see her.

+1. Happened in my own family. As the stepmom, I let my DH take the lead on a similar issue. He took a hard line and made it clear that his ex was not allowed in the house at all and that all dropoffs/pickups happened outside. Well, the kids did not see this as enforcing boundaries and such. They saw it as their dad trying to marginalize their mom because he had a new wife. Heck, they could not even show her changes they made to their room, stuff on their computer, etc. So they gravitated more towards their mom and opted to spend more time with her at her house. We had 50/50 joint but they eventually asked if they could stay there most of the time. It hurt my DH deeply.

OP you married a man with kids who are close to their mom. We understand that you want to set your own family dynamic. Just be careful that you may get exactly what you want - with a price.

+2. I am the ex-wife and when my ex got engaged and his fiancee moved in, she made a rule that I was not allowed to come inside the house. She felt that she needed to establish boundaries and carve out her own space. I saw it as her attempting to assert her authority to me, which I didn't think was completely unreasonable, but it was communicated poorly and my child did not understand why all of a sudden I wasn't allowed in the house. The OP's stepkids are older, so they probably have a more nuanced grasp of the situation than does my 5-year-old, but it has resulted in residual tension that extends to other area's of DD's life. At her request, she is hosting her birthday party at my house this summer, but she is now concerned that stepmom will not be able to attend because of the rule at her dad's house. If she had chosen the party to be at her dad's house, it is actually not clear to me that I would be able to attend, because stepmom has been so strident about the "not allowed in the house" thing that they've actually left me standing in the cold rain on the porch while DD collects her jacket and backpack on a couple of occasions.

I don't disagree that the OP's husband's ex sounds like she's not respecting boundaries, but personally I feel that for the sake of the kids' mental health, at least one of their parents should be the bigger person and let this one go.

Stepmom here. It's really interesting that you perceive your ex's wife's boundaries as her "asserting her authority" -- couldn't you see it as her simply wanting to feel comfortable in her own home, and not being comfortable with her husband's former wife coming and going as she pleases? For me, it's not a "RESPECT MY AUTHORATAY!" thing; it's just that it's my home, my safe space, and I'm simply not comfortable around a person who has caused so much pain and is a continuing source of stress for my husband.

That said, I would of course welcome you in from the rain, as I would do for anyone out of politeness, and of course I would make you welcome on the occasion of a birthday party. It sucks that the whole situation was communicated poorly and that your daughter suffered. I just wonder if part of what was difficult for your daughter was your perception that it was authority-asserting and not as simple as not wanting your current spouse's ex to be in your home, with all of the tension that that typically entails.

So you have had many convos with your DH (I assume DD was a typo) and he does not care.

Obviously this is more of an issue for you. It sucks, but without your DH on board what do you expect?

Anonymous wrote:Let me ask you this, OP-- is there any way someone could ban your mother from any place you had to be, without offending you or causing awkwardness?

So why not let her move in?

Anonymous wrote:OP here = her name is not on the house. Yes, DD and I have had lots of conversations with her about it (in one ear out the other). I would absolutely love to move into a different house that is farther from the ex and her new husband. Yes, she is manipulative and deceitful. Yes, I knew that he had an ex. I have an ex who is not an issue in this way. The kids have a right to a relationship with mom. Kids are great kids. They may experience the same boundary issues with her when they grow up. No, I don't think just accepting it while everyone grows up sounds manageable to me.

I hope you meant DH, not DD.

If you've already talked to her, then you're just dealing with a psycho. I don't know what else you can do here. Change the locks if you want, but unless you're prepared to lock out the kids as well, they will probably let her in because that's what makes their own lives easier.

Anonymous wrote:The OP did not say anything about the kids wanting their mom to be the house. Do they?
I still don't see why the ex insists on hanging out in the house and why you have to put up with it.

PP here. All I am saying is that you can win the battle and lose the war over issues like this.

OP needs to tread lightly because it appears that she feels more strongly about this isse than her DH. So if she influences him to take a course of action that negatively impacts his relationship with his kids, guess who bears the brunt of that. Guess who DH will start to resent. I am not saying that OP should put up with anything, but when you marry a person with kids you sometimes have to defer to your SO and that relationship - the dynamics are not as cut and dry as people here thinlk.

Let me ask you this, OP-- is there any way someone could ban your mother from any place you had to be, without offending you or causing awkwardness?

OP here = her name is not on the house. Yes, DD and I have had lots of conversations with her about it (in one ear out the other). I would absolutely love to move into a different house that is farther from the ex and her new husband. Yes, she is manipulative and deceitful. Yes, I knew that he had an ex. I have an ex who is not an issue in this way. The kids have a right to a relationship with mom. Kids are great kids. They may experience the same boundary issues with her when they grow up. No, I don't think just accepting it while everyone grows up sounds manageable to me.

Yeah don't be that step mom

Anonymous wrote:OP, you will seriously alienate your step kids if you try to enforce the "mom waits outside" rule. You're treating her like an invader. They are treating her like a family member. You will make yourself the enemy.

DAD, not the OP, needs to plan out what he'll say to the kids, then sit down with the kids and explain that while of course they can see their mother, HE, not just OP, is not comfortable with her hanging out in the house, and 30-minute stays are in the hanging out category, not a quick stop to pick things up. Then HE needs to deal with the ex. I like the letter someone posted earlier.

OP, your husband has to take the lead here. If you do, you'll be viewed by the kids (possibly, depending on their relationships with you and their mom) as the mean stepmom getting in the way, and you will absolutely be viewed by the ex-wife as such.

Husband needs to talk to kids first and say, "You're old enough to understand how I (dad) and OP would feel that it's uncomfortable and awkward for Ex to be visiting uninvited and staying for longer than it takes to drop off or pick up. I do get that you are here when she comes, and this is your home too; however, these visits make us very uncomfortable and I need to be honest about that. I wanted you to know that I am asking your mom to limit visits inside the house to the time it takes to pick up something/someone." Be ready for kids this age to possibly fuss if they feel "Its' my house too" and get defensive about their being able to open the door to mom. Think through how they might react and be ready to respond.

The impression I got from one of the OP's posts was that the mom is coming when the kids are home, which isn't the same as coming in if a kid is stopping by dad/OP's house while picking something up while on mom's custody time. OP, that right?

Also the kids are teenagers and the divorce isn't new. So it is different than the case of PP with the husband who "marginalized" the ex. (I agree that sounded harsh)