Anonymous wrote:It has been a customary practice in the Catholic Church to give money to the family of the deceased which is in turn given to a priest to pray for the soul of the departed individual (during a Mass) so that sins may be forgiven. If you have never heard of this and therefore think it is gauche, it due to your lack of knowledge regarding religious practices of those not of your faith. True, there would be no reason for you to have heard of it, but on the other hand there is some rush to judgement based on the assumptions of your culture and religion. Would it not be more acceptable to just say the truth as you know it, that you never heard of it? And skip the judgmental part?

What?

I’m Irish-Italian Catholic. My mother was 100% Orish/Catholic. New England/Connecticut/Boston Catholic on both sides; large family. I have never heard of or received $ in a sympathy card.

This thread was news to me. WASPy MIL passed away last year and no money changed hands.

It has been a customary practice in the Catholic Church to give money to the family of the deceased which is in turn given to a priest to pray for the soul of the departed individual (during a Mass) so that sins may be forgiven. If you have never heard of this and therefore think it is gauche, it due to your lack of knowledge regarding religious practices of those not of your faith. True, there would be no reason for you to have heard of it, but on the other hand there is some rush to judgement based on the assumptions of your culture and religion. Would it not be more acceptable to just say the truth as you know it, that you never heard of it? And skip the judgmental part?

Sorry for posting my message 3 times. I was trying to edit. Please don't call me a dumb Polack. lol

[quote=Anonymous]I'm Polish-American, have lived in Chicago since I was 3, and grew up Catholic. As long as I can remember, in our social circles people have always put money in sympathy cards, usually given at the time of the wake/viewing. In fact, the funeral homes always had stands (with clips) and boxes to put the cards in. The boxes were under lock and key because everyone knew the envelopes contained money. The funeral home also had envelopes for people who didn't have sympathy cards prepared and wanted to give a cash gift. The envelopes had lines to write your name, the name of the deceased, and boxes to check designating how you want your money gift to be used. The choices were something like: To be used for Mass(es), or; To be used as the family wishes. When each of my parents died, there was money in every sympathy card we got (given at the wake or funeral). We received both store-bought cards and funeral home envelopes. The most recent death (of my parents') was my mom's in 2007, and the average amount given in a card was between $20-$30. Those who were closer gave maybe $50. Those closer yet gave $100 (there were only a few of those). My mil gave $300. And there were a small few who gave $10. Recently, a former neighbor's mother-in-law died. This former neighbor and I have kept loosely in touch over the years (mainly through Christmas cards). If I had gone to the wake or funeral, I would have put $10 in the card because we're not that close anymore, and it's her mil (who I never met), and they have plenty of money. But since I didn't make it to the wake or funeral, I just sent her an empty sympathy card expressing my condolences. On the other hand, a childhood friend's stepmom just passed away. I just reconnected with this childhood friend recently on Facebook. We were very close as children, and our families were very close, and still are in some cases. If I were able to go to the wake/funeral, I would give $20. Since I can't make it, I'll still send $20 in a sympathy card. Those amounts just "feel" right to me. I'm also basing my decisions on the fact that money is tight for my husband and me right now. If finances were better, I'd probably give a little more. When my brother died in 2014, a good friend of mine gave $25 to my brothers family at the wake. It's just automatically done (and expected) in our social circles. I believe one of the purposes is to help with funeral expenses. But even if the deceased's family has money, it's still customary to give a little something.[/quote]

My family and I immigrated to Chicago from Poland in 1966 when I was 3 years old, and I have lived in Chicago since then. We lived in a Catholic community of primarily Polish and some Mexican immigrants. As long as I can remember, in our social circles people have always put money in sympathy cards, usually given at the time of the wake/viewing. In fact, the funeral homes always had stands (with clips) and boxes to put the cards in. The boxes were under lock and key because everyone knew the envelopes contained money. The funeral home also had envelopes for people who didn't have sympathy cards prepared and wanted to give a cash gift. The envelopes had lines to write your name, the name of the deceased, and boxes to check designating how you want your money gift to be used. The choices were something like: To be used for Mass(es), or; To be used as the family wishes. When each of my parents died, there was money in every sympathy card we got (given at the wake or funeral). We received both store-bought cards and funeral home envelopes. The most recent death (of my parents') was my mom's in 2007, and the average amount given in a card was between $20-$30. Those who were closer gave maybe $50. Those closer yet gave $100 (there were only a few of those). My mil gave $300. And there were a small few who gave $10. Recently, a former neighbor's mother-in-law died. This former neighbor and I have kept loosely in touch over the years (mainly through Christmas cards). If I had gone to the wake or funeral, I would have put $10 in the card because we're not that close anymore, and it's her mil (who I never met), and they have plenty of money. But since I didn't make it to the wake or funeral, I just sent her an empty sympathy card expressing my condolences. On the other hand, a childhood friend's stepmom just passed away. I just reconnected with this childhood friend recently on Facebook. We were very close as children, and our families were very close, and still are in some cases. If I were able to go to the wake/funeral, I would give $20. Since I can't make it, I'll still send $20 in a sympathy card. Those amounts feel right to me. I'm also basing my decisions on the fact that money is tight for my husband and me right now. If finances were better, I'd most likely give more. When my brother died in 2014, a good friend of mine gave $25 to my brothers family at the wake. It's just automatically done (and expected) in our social circles. I believe one of the purposes is to help with expenses - funeral, and otherwise. In many cases, there can be high medical bills left to pay. A death in the family can be very draining financially in many non-obvious ways. Giving money in a sympathy card is a further gesture of support, in addition to the words in the card. I think they go together beautifully.

I'm Polish-American, have lived in Chicago since I was 3, and grew up Catholic. As long as I can remember, in our social circles people have always put money in sympathy cards, usually given at the time of the wake/viewing. In fact, the funeral homes always had stands (with clips) and boxes to put the cards in. The boxes were under lock and key because everyone knew the envelopes contained money. The funeral home also had envelopes for people who didn't have sympathy cards prepared and wanted to give a cash gift. The envelopes had lines to write your name, the name of the deceased, and boxes to check designating how you want your money gift to be used. The choices were something like: To be used for Mass(es), or; To be used as the family wishes. When each of my parents died, there was money in every sympathy card we got (given at the wake or funeral). We received both store-bought cards and funeral home envelopes. The most recent death (of my parents') was my mom's in 2007, and the average amount given in a card was between $20-$30. Those who were closer gave maybe $50. Those closer yet gave $100 (there were only a few of those). My mil gave $300. And there were a small few who gave $10. Recently, a former neighbor's mother-in-law died. This former neighbor and I have kept loosely in touch over the years (mainly through Christmas cards). If I had gone to the wake or funeral, I would have put $10 in the card because we're not that close anymore, and it's her mil (who I never met), and they have plenty of money. But since I didn't make it to the wake or funeral, I just sent her an empty sympathy card expressing my condolences. On the other hand, a childhood friend's stepmom just passed away. I just reconnected with this childhood friend recently on Facebook. We were very close as children, and our families were very close, and still are in some cases. If I were able to go to the wake/funeral, I would give $20. Since I can't make it, I'll still send $20 in a sympathy card. Those amounts just "feel" right to me. I'm also basing my decisions on the fact that money is tight for my husband and me right now. If finances were better, I'd probably give a little more. When my brother died in 2014, a good friend of mine gave $25 to my brothers family at the wake. It's just automatically done (and expected) in our social circles. I believe one of the purposes is to help with funeral expenses. But even if the deceased's family has money, it's still customary to give a little something.

Anonymous wrote:In my culture (African American) it is common and almost expected. I actually found this thread becasue I happen to be broke right now and wanted to see if was ok if I sent the card empty. Funny how our cultural community experiences change our opinions of what's accepted. I'm gonna send the card empty at least it's something.

AA here, depending on how close you are to the person it may be viewed as tacky to send the card empty. Since I understand the cultural differences, I almost never expect for a card from a white person to have money, but almost always do when the card is from an AA.

In the AA community money in cards is the norm. Growing up the belief was that money was given to help offset funeral cost.

My husband died recently and his job (all AA coworkers) collected close to $800 for me. I received money in most of the cards. We had life insurance, so there were no funeral expense cost to offset, so I just put the money into my savings account.

Anonymous wrote:I have seen more than one obituary asking for contributions to cover funeral expenses.

I’ve never seen this. I almost always see a request that people donate to a charity in lieu of flowers.

I have seen more than one obituary asking for contributions to cover funeral expenses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a common practice in certain cultures and religions, and I do think it's tied to SES. I work in an area with poor and lower middle class African Americans and when someone dies, a monetary collection is always taken up.

ohhhhhhh here we go - the racist troll has found this thread

Give me a break. The statement above is not racist and is, in fact, true for my (black) extended family who is lower SES.

beyond the SES context, culturally there are differences. I am a black woman (from the Caribbean) and I've gone to funerals of black folk of different SES groups and from different parts of the diaspora. Giving money in many parts of the diaspora is not considered gauche. Ever watched a Nigerian wedding? Money is literally pinned to the clothing of the bride and groom and thrown to their feet as they dance. This is true in some middle eastern cultures. It isn't just about the financial need of the family.

Anyway my point is even for upper middle class black families giving money isn't considered "poor taste" but would be less likely b/c there is no obvious economic need so gift card and gifts made toward a foundation in honor of deceased may be more common. . i imagine this is true for other groups as well.

Anonymous wrote:In my culture (African American) it is common and almost expected. I actually found this thread becasue I happen to be broke right now and wanted to see if was ok if I sent the card empty. Funny how our cultural community experiences change our opinions of what's accepted. I'm gonna send the card empty at least it's something.

I agree that this thread has provided some interesting insights into cultural differences. The idea of including money with a sympathy card is unheard of in my community but having read these comments I understand the rationale. I wonder if sites like gofundme will replace this custome in the future? Might be a more convenient way to give and to track names of contributors for hank you cards and the like.

In my culture (African American) it is common and almost expected. I actually found this thread becasue I happen to be broke right now and wanted to see if was ok if I sent the card empty. Funny how our cultural community experiences change our opinions of what's accepted. I'm gonna send the card empty at least it's something.

I have never heard of this custom. I can see that it fulfills a need and is a tangible way to express love and sympathy, but it is absolutely foreign to me.