Anonymous wrote:Op you need to chill. Most people who send Xmas cards have kids and are crazy busy coordinating toy purchases and in law visits and holiday recitals and their own jobs during December. They are scrambling to get their cards out. Their address list is in excel with column headers for things like 'last name'. They do a mail merge and create labels, and your last name gets lost in the shuffle of naming tradition and the fact that 90 percent of their married friends do have the same last name. They don't edit each label because they can get the cards in the mail on the way to karate pick up if they hurry. You are too sensitive. Yeah they should change the spreadsheet and maybe someday they will but right now someone's bottom needs to be wiped. Deal with it.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry if it offends you and I hope you weren't one of the handful of people on our Christmas card list in this situation. I just honestly went with the "pick a team" approach, as someone said and referred to you as "The Smith Family" since it was quicker, easier, and frankly fit on the envelope better than "John Smith and Jane Doe and family". I know your family doesn't use a hyphenated last name so that seemed incorrect to say "The Smith-Doe Family". I was thinking of you and wanted to send you holiday greetings. Unfortunately I was by hand also addressing almost 100 other cards plus doing the 10,000 other things involved in working full-time, caring for a family, and preparing for a hopefully joyous holiday season.

Hopefully you understood when the card came that it was for everyone in the household. I'm sorry if the names on the envelope caused you displeasure rather than the happiness I hoped you'd feel on getting a card and note from us.

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Anonymous wrote:I always write "Jane and John Doe". I figure that even if you're not Jane Doe, I'm still correct?

I only write "Jane Smith and John Doe" on my unmarried, living together friends cards.

Nope.

I think this is correct. Technically her name isn't next to the last name, it's just avoiding using her last name?

What's your family name if you don't hyphenate or take your DH's last name? Smith Family and Jane Doe?

OMG, seriously, are you this dense? The family name would be "The Smith & Doe Family." They are one family with multiple last names. It's really not rocket science. Why would it be Hislastname Family with her as an outlier? They are one family.

exactly. They are one family. But if 3 of them have the family last name and she has her married last name, it's not really Smith & Doe Family.

I assume the women who don't take their DH's last name don't monogram? Or buy thing that say "Smith Family"? There's never enough room for the huge hyphenation or ampersand.

Seriously, do people even monogram anymore? Can't imagine this being a concern at all.

Is this for real? My sheets are monogrammed, I have a door sign outside that says "The Smith Family", my stationary is monogrammed, I have a monogram on my wreath, cell phone case is monogrammed, my luggage is monogrammed....

Serious question though: if you didn't take your DH's last name, does that mean you're never a "Mrs."? Or are you still a "Mrs. Smith" even though your last name is Doe officially? (I assume you can't be a Mrs. Doe? because that's your mother?)

That is really unusual behavior in my experience. I literally cannot think of one person in my circle of friends, family, and colleagues who has anything monogrammed as far as I have seen. Certainly not luggage or cell phone cases or clothing. I've gotten maybe a handful of monogrammed thank you notes in my life, and all of those were from older women.

As for Mrs., I really don't know anyone who calls themselves Mrs. who isn't an elementary school teacher or over the age of 60. Even the women I know who change their names to their husbands use Ms. as their title, both professionally and personally. I have occasionally been addressed as Mrs. MyLastName by my son's pediatrician's receptionist, but that's about it. I can't imagine that I would use the title even if I had taken my husband's name. (FWIW, my husband is occasionally addressed as Mr. MyLastName and it doesn't bother him at all, as it shouldn't, since they are all names in our family and I get called his, too.)

Anonymous wrote:I find people do not prioritize mail etiquette. This is something that unless insilled in you through military, finishing school, Catholic school or some other institution that valued it (could be your family) you will not learn about because when is it even mentioned.

My Brother and SIL addressed my mother as Mrs. Jane Smith in the wedding invitations. That name implied that my mother was divorced not widowed. My mother was less than thrilled about seeing her name that way in a formal invitation.

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Anonymous wrote:I always write "Jane and John Doe". I figure that even if you're not Jane Doe, I'm still correct?

I only write "Jane Smith and John Doe" on my unmarried, living together friends cards.

Nope.

I think this is correct. Technically her name isn't next to the last name, it's just avoiding using her last name?

What's your family name if you don't hyphenate or take your DH's last name? Smith Family and Jane Doe?

OMG, seriously, are you this dense? The family name would be "The Smith & Doe Family." They are one family with multiple last names. It's really not rocket science. Why would it be Hislastname Family with her as an outlier? They are one family.

exactly. They are one family. But if 3 of them have the family last name and she has her married last name, it's not really Smith & Doe Family.

I assume the women who don't take their DH's last name don't monogram? Or buy thing that say "Smith Family"? There's never enough room for the huge hyphenation or ampersand.

Seriously, do people even monogram anymore? Can't imagine this being a concern at all.

Is this for real? My sheets are monogrammed, I have a door sign outside that says "The Smith Family", my stationary is monogrammed, I have a monogram on my wreath, cell phone case is monogrammed, my luggage is monogrammed....

Serious question though: if you didn't take your DH's last name, does that mean you're never a "Mrs."? Or are you still a "Mrs. Smith" even though your last name is Doe officially? (I assume you can't be a Mrs. Doe? because that's your mother?)

Anonymous wrote:http://www.ehow.co.uk/info_8582676_miss-manners-etiquette-addressing-envelopes.html

Anonymous wrote:I find it really annoying that some women don't change their name. How am I supposed to know that you didn't change your name?

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Anonymous wrote:AH, I totally get it. I would be frustrated by that too. What can I say? Casual sexism is alive and well and built into our patriarchal society. At least you know you are fighting the good fight

Yep. This is why we decided to give our kid my last name and not DH's. Enough with these assumptions. Naming traditions are rooted in pretty nasty history of women being akin to property - which isn't to say that changing your name is weak or makes you property. Take DH's name, hyphenate, keep yours, whatever you want. But it's a personal choice and that choice should be respected.

We did this, too! You're the only other one I've encountered on DCUM. Let's be friends.

OK! (Were you kidding?) (Was I just scary?)

Totally wasn't kidding. I need more awesome mom friends.

To the both of you -- when you name your child with the mother's last name, the normal American world thinks that your husband is the child's stepfather or if it's obvious that your husband is the child's father, we think you are not married. It's not misogynistic, it's just our culture. Pat yourself on the back, but the average person a going to assume divorce or illegitimate child. Congrats on your stand against society.

Anonymous wrote:exactly. They are one family. But if 3 of them have the family last name and she has her married last name, it's not really Smith & Doe Family.

I assume the women who don't take their DH's last name don't monogram? Or buy thing that say "Smith Family"? There's never enough room for the huge hyphenation or ampersand.

Anonymous wrote:It bugs me when it's people who should know better, less so when it's more casual acquaintances. I know what last names my friends use, and it's no more difficult to write John Jones & Mary Smith or The Smith-Jones Family than it is to (incorrectly) write Mr. & Mrs. Jones. If I don't know you well enough to know what name you prefer to use, then I don't know you well enough to be sending you a Christmas card.

The fundamental rule of etiquette about names is that you call people what they wish to be called.

Anonymous wrote:I find it really annoying that some women don't change their name. How am I supposed to know that you didn't change your name?