Anonymous wrote:WOW!

I am surprised at the kind of abuse that is being heaped on the wives who have cheated, divorced, married their affair partner and have amicable relationship with their Exs. Seems that everyone in that scenario has moved on except for some posters here.

Why the hate? It is interesting to hear these stories and they are someone else's stories. So seriously, why the hate?

Anonymous wrote:I'm starting to think "beta" means "not bitter."

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Anonymous wrote:NP. I was in the beginning of a depression and my biggest emotion was anger. DH quickly became very impatient with me, and made a few jerky moves. Note that I very rarely get depressed-- twice in my 20s, once in my 30s, and it is always situational-- not a major depressive episode. But I still felt unsupported and very alone.

Was unfairly blaming DH for all the difficult transitions we were going through. Met a SAHD. Sounds pathetic, but at least he was fit and had a great sense of humor. We totally used each other-- he with his very transparent plan in place for the affair, and me looking for a place to shelve my anger for a couple hours of the day. So depressed other times that I didn't care. It ended with a clean break. No illusions here; it was what it was.

SAHD pathetic

Anonymous wrote:NP. I was in the beginning of a depression and my biggest emotion was anger. DH quickly became very impatient with me, and made a few jerky moves. Note that I very rarely get depressed-- twice in my 20s, once in my 30s, and it is always situational-- not a major depressive episode. But I still felt unsupported and very alone.

Was unfairly blaming DH for all the difficult transitions we were going through. Met a SAHD. Sounds pathetic, but at least he was fit and had a great sense of humor. We totally used each other-- he with his very transparent plan in place for the affair, and me looking for a place to shelve my anger for a couple hours of the day. So depressed other times that I didn't care. It ended with a clean break. No illusions here; it was what it was.

Anonymous wrote:Have our hypothetical woman in a sexy dress directly proposition man in a bar, her success rate is off the charts when compared to the man doing the same.

Anonymous wrote:I note the hypothetical woman looking for sex is in a scenario where she's waiting for someone to come on to her. If hypothetical man looking for sex waits for woman to come on to him, he gets even less sex.

Have our hypothetical woman in a sexy dress directly proposition man in a bar, her success rate is off the charts when compared to the man doing the same.

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Anonymous wrote:Ultimately, what's fascinating about this thread, is more of the level of "understanding."

This same thread, if the cheating gender was male, would be all about how he's a piece if shit, regardless of the SAME reasons being used to cheat.

I'm not here to start a gender war. There are plenty of threads for that. Let's just ADMIT, finally, that women are motivated to cheat for the same reasons as men, and there's no 60-40 split to it, either. Women are just as bad.

I'm the PP who cheated and left. I actually do not buy the gender differences either. I think that people are unhappy in marriages for a lot of reasons. For me, it was not like I was a serial cheater addicted to sex or the chase or whatever serial cheaters are into. I think that it's a lot more socially acceptable for men to be serial cheaters in that way - meet women at bars, frequent escort services, have inappropriate relationships with interns. I think it's a lot less socially acceptable for women to behave in the same way.

There is a special degree of condemnation for women who cheat that men do not get - unfairly, I think, because it's just assumed that "that's what men do". There's another thread about how a cheated on wife wants to call up the "skank" her husband cheated with who is now pregnant and tell her she's going to be a bad mom. I do not see anywhere near the same vitriole for the husband who cheated on his pregnant wife, or the condemnations of his parenting caliber.

I think that when we expend energy trying to come up with the differences between men and women, we overlook the ways in which all PEOPLE are similar. The things that all PEOPLE want out of their lives and the ways in which all PEOPLE can hurt other people.

Men and women ARE different, thank goodness. A woman is penetrated, a man is not. A woman can have multiple orgasms, but it is more difficult for her to have one than a man. A man is judged much more critically on bedroom skills than a woman ever is - just read the threads in DCUM. Also, a woman can have sex whenever she wants, a man cannot unless he sometimes wants to pay for it. It has been that way since the Romans.

I'm a woman, and I can't have sex whenever I want. I'm married.

You could walk into an upscale lounge and leave with someone any night you wanted.

That's ridiculous. No, I couldn't any more than you could. I'm of average attractiveness and average weight (yeah, i had kids). Sure, a really attractive woman can do that, but so can a really attractive man.

You are wrong, of course. A man can dress up and hit the lounge, bar, etc. He'll probably strike out. You, of "average attractiveness," could put on a skirt, heels, and men will salivate. Simple truth.

No, simple conjecture. Based on nothing other than your biases.

PP is correct: if you are half-way good looking, a guy would do you in a heart-beat. Even if you were less than half-way good looking some men would do you especially after a couple of drinks. It is how most men are wired.

I know this is the popular view, and I have to admit, it's a nice thought, but I don't actually buy it. I've never been randomly "hit on" by a stranger since college. And like I said, I'm "average" attractiveness. (Probably a little above average, but not sure anymore pushing 40.) Now, I don't spend a ton of time alone in bars (and there are good and unfair reasons why that's not an awesome idea for women to do). But I'm out in the world, at an office with men, meeting up after work sometimes. I mean, I wait in a bar or restaurant for my DH a fair amount of the time. So if guys are just "salivating" over all the halfway attractive women, how come nothing? I don't want it, not looking for it, but I don't buy the theory. I buy that men will salivate over any very attractive women. But I think they're just bitter that women who are much more attractive than they are aren't taking them up on it. They want nothing to do with the rest.

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PP is correct: if you are half-way good looking, a guy would do you in a heart-beat. Even if you were less than half-way good looking some men would do you especially after a couple of drinks. It is how most men are wired.

I know this is the popular view, and I have to admit, it's a nice thought, but I don't actually buy it. I've never been randomly "hit on" by a stranger since college. And like I said, I'm "average" attractiveness. (Probably a little above average, but not sure anymore pushing 40.) Now, I don't spend a ton of time alone in bars (and there are good and unfair reasons why that's not an awesome idea for women to do). But I'm out in the world, at an office with men, meeting up after work sometimes. I mean, I wait in a bar or restaurant for my DH a fair amount of the time. So if guys are just "salivating" over all the halfway attractive women, how come nothing? I don't want it, not looking for it, but I don't buy the theory. I buy that men will salivate over any very attractive women. But I think they're just bitter that women who are much more attractive than they are aren't taking them up on it. They want nothing to do with the rest.

Therein lies the reason!

Men can sense if a woman is interested and they are less likely to approach a woman who does not signal in someway that she is interested. Believe me, if you started flirting with a guy, he'd pursue you.

Of course, there are those like a colleague of mine from Down Under, from years gone by who was pretty blatant and within five minutes of getting into a convo, he'd ask the woman "Do you want to fuck?". I am serious. Usually, he would not get anywhere with it but every now and again he'd score. He usually did it in a bar after a few beers. And he asked the question many, many times . Even did it once in Des Moines and the woman was so offended she told some guy and it almost ended up in a brawl.

Anonymous wrote:You can fix the emotional needs by talking and counseling, you can un cheat. Besides abise, Most unhappy marriages are the result of women going mental and later snapping out of it

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PP is correct: if you are half-way good looking, a guy would do you in a heart-beat. Even if you were less than half-way good looking some men would do you especially after a couple of drinks. It is how most men are wired.

I know this is the popular view, and I have to admit, it's a nice thought, but I don't actually buy it. I've never been randomly "hit on" by a stranger since college. And like I said, I'm "average" attractiveness. (Probably a little above average, but not sure anymore pushing 40.) Now, I don't spend a ton of time alone in bars (and there are good and unfair reasons why that's not an awesome idea for women to do). But I'm out in the world, at an office with men, meeting up after work sometimes. I mean, I wait in a bar or restaurant for my DH a fair amount of the time. So if guys are just "salivating" over all the halfway attractive women, how come nothing? I don't want it, not looking for it, but I don't buy the theory. I buy that men will salivate over any very attractive women. But I think they're just bitter that women who are much more attractive than they are aren't taking them up on it. They want nothing to do with the rest.