Anonymous
Post 07/05/2014 18:43     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Anonymous wrote:Op here...I have to laugh at the posts who said it sounds like I want free babysitting. I have explained we have a nanny who we pay for babysitting on a regular basis. This has nothing to do with free babysitting. This is a simple post about my own wishes verses reality of my parents involvement in my and my children's life. The PP who wrote a grieving letter gets it...that is how I feel...like I am seeing my parents in a new light now that I am a parent and I need to just accept it although I wish it were different. The PP's who wrote that my mom may have anxiety may be on to something. My parents never want to have heart felt meaningful conversations...maybe this is part of the big picture and I should try to have an open conversation with them about this.



My parents who live about an hour and half away are the same. I was devastated when I had my first and it became clear all the talk about seeing us all the time was just that, talk. They never ever come, I have to beg for birthday and holidays but they won't spend the night even though we bough this house with its own guest suite just for those kind of visits with them in mind and told them so when we were buying it and they got all excited. When I go down to their city to visit we always have to meet at a restaurant and when the meal is over they apologize and say they have appointments and just leave. My kids are their ONLY grandchildren. My 6 year old has started to notice. Forget asking my parents to watch the 2 kids for an overnight or weekend. Some years my inlaws see my kids more. And they live 3,000 miles away.


In their defense, when I had a horrible accident last year and needed emergency surgery and needed help because DH needed to be with me at the hospital my parents did come right away to help for a few days, and for that I am so grateful. They also agreed to come up for grandparents day at my kids' school, which I was nervous they would back out of at the last minute. I am so jealous of people who have more involved grandparents, of the friends whose parents live here or have moved here to be closer to the kids.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2014 11:06     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how people are responding to this post. OP, there is nothing wrong with you for wishing your parents were more involved. I grew up with grandparents who attended all my events, vacationed with us, came over a lot etc and am so disappointed my own parents don't have the same interest in my children that their parents had in me. It's okay to wish that and it doesn't mean I need a sitter, or my kids must be bad, or my house messy or any of the other crazy previous posts blaming OP.

FWIW, my mother rips my pics off Facebook and posts them to her own and it drives me up the f'ng wall. Sorry but why should she get to look like the super involved loving grandma when she chooses not to be one? Rant away OP, I feel ya.[/quote]

Do you mean she cut and pastes pictures of her grand kids to show her friends and this makes you mad? Are you 6 years old?
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2014 11:03     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mom is super helpful and will go well out of her way to be with the grandkids. My ILs are nice and present when there, but never offer to watch the kids (even after they are fast asleep) and just aren't the step up to the plate kind of people. I wouldn't mind except they caused me extra work when my kids were babies and I had ppd and resented that they didn't even bring their dishes to the kitchen after the dinner I had cooked with a 1 month old in a sling and a 2.5 year old difficult toddler screaming at my leg. Now that my kids are older I am not as angry about it because I'm well-rested, but at the time when I was at wits end I couldn't imagine that they could be so selfish. I don't expect people to do my dishes for me or tidy my house, but if I saw anyone, friend family stranger who was so in need of an extra set of hands I wouldn't just wander into the other room to relax without even offering to help. It's just who I am so I can't fathom people who are so blatantly unhelpful.

Op--you just have to accept who they are and move on. They aren't going to change for you and the sooner you are peace with it, the sooner you will be at peace.



NP here. This thread has been helpful to me in as I have a MIL who has moved to town, will help for emergencies, but really just wants to live her life (IMHO). She makes vague offers of help, but it's usually more trouble than it's worth (always late, needs a lot of direction, etc). This post resonated with me because I was very sick during my second pregnancy, with ER trips and hospital stays. MIL did help watch our older child for a day while I was in the hospital, so I am obviously grateful for that. But after I got out, I was still pretty sick (on bed rest) and DH had to watch the older one on his own. I couldn't believe that MIL never once offered to come over with food or in any other way help out. If my parents lived in my neighborhood, and I got out of the hospital and was 8 mo pregnant on bed rest, I'm sure they would be over with food every day.

After that, I vowed that I would pretty much never ask MIL for help again as to me her actions showed her true colors. Like some of the PPs, I think DH (and I) had high hopes for her as a grandma because she was a very involved mom (homemade Halloween costumes, never missed a game, etc). But the reality is that she feels like she didn't get to make a lot of choices in her life (due to parental pressure, married at a young age, controlling husband, etc). My take on her is that now that she's divorced and moved out of her dreary hometown and to the big city, she's done doing what is expected of her. She does what she wants to do. So, she is a good grandma in that my older child adores her, she brings him presents, etc. But she's definitely not looking for any kind of regular babysitting gig.

She's hard for me to deal with because she is totally passive aggressive and very indirect. E.g., she asks if she can bring something for dinner. I ask if she can bring a veggie. So she brings 2 bags of FROZEN veggies to cook. Uh, OK. She will over to come over "early" for dinner to "help", but is always 30-45 min late so by the time she shows up, I have already cooked dinner with kids around.



She's not your mommy, or your servant, or your little helper. She just asked to bring something to be nice. She is not your emergency babysitter. She is trying to let you know, but you refuse to listen. Some of you have awfully high expectations of your grand parents.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2014 11:00     Subject: Re:my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
OP if you are still here: We are 65. We have been lucky all our lives, successful, Ivy grads, well off and the kids are grown. We are grandparents. 65 is young for some, but not for others. Two in our group have diabetes and therefore poor vision. (not everyone has this) That limits driving, but we don't want to lay the burden on the kids so we just say, well, I don't think I can meet you in Kings Dominion. We have one case of Alzheimer's. I know, early it was not supposed to happen, but there it is. Not talked about much -- it came on gradually. No babysitting, obviously. We have two with mild dementia (why? why? why?) we have a degenerative nerve condition. We have one who somehow weighs 300 lbs (how did that happen?) We have one who has a wasting condition of the arteries that unfortunately also passed down to her brilliant son. One has crippling anxiety and depression.
Each of these people has a spouse who is in good health, so in general it is not known about the condition of the other. People are not really that ... Well, it just is better to seem younger and problem free.
None of that leads to an active life of taking trips and being shiny grandparents. It is hard enough to get thorough the day to day. They REALLY don't want to hear that they should: get a hobby, exercise more, come over and stand in the hot sun for the soccer game, sit in the hot gym for the recital, drive to Williamsburg for the state finals, eat right and stay fit, develop a hobby, travel to Tibet...
No need to re explain this time and time again. People don't tell you everything -- they don't want you to worry. Could this be your parents?
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2014 10:38     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Thank you for posting this OP. I have accepted this fact about my parents. I always have to bring the children to them. They travel all over the world in retirement. Have a really nice retirement lifestyle. It is just that building relationships with their grandchildren is not a priority. I wonder since my parents divorced and remarried that that may be a reason?

So finally, I decided enough and I wasn't going to visit them anymore. Guess what? Two years have gone by and my children have not seen their grandparents. So I bought plane tickets and off we go next month. I would like my kids to at least know their grandparents.

I have a sibling and at least my parents are the exact same way with my sibling's family.

So I don't have any answers but I will say I do find this hurtful. For the record, we are completely financially independent (since college), we are well-off, my children are well-behaved, my husband is a nice, quiet person . . . just have absent grandparents.
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2014 15:16     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
I think OP sounds needy. It's not cold for her parents to want their own time.

Also, why would they jump at a "free" week at a beach house? Half the posters here would rather die than be cooped up at the beach with their extended family.
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2014 15:11     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Anonymous wrote:<<Maybe it is the way baby boomers think>>

Please don't bash the baby boomers for this. I'm a tale end boomer and already looking forward to grandkids... in a decade or so.


Sadly, this is quite typical for baby boomers.
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2014 04:52     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your parents spent 18 years babysitting you and another 4 years paying for your college.

Now it's their time for themselves, to use however they want for the years that remain to them. If smoking on a ratty sofa watching reality shows makes them happy, then let them do it.

It may be less family time than you (or I) would like, but they've earned have a right to make their own choices now. As long as they make a reasonable effort to respect family ties and obligations, you have no right to demand they do more. Guilting them into babysitting your kids is just unfair.


WTH? Raising children = babysitting? Some of you really are pathological.


No. Some of us can simply see another point of view beyond our own.

Also, the choice of the word "babysitting" was probably shorthand for "hard work" (but you knew that, you're trying to stir the pot).

Try putting yourselves in the parents' shoes: this is their time to enjoy their remaining years as they wish. Yes, many of us actually enjoyed the hard work and sacrifice that comes with parenting. But you can't deny that it's hard work and sacrifice. Some people need a break after they're done with their own kids. If they don't want to babysit OP's kids, that's their prerogative. OP may wish for something else, and so would I. But OP's parents aren't some extension of OP's ideal family life that she hopes to project onto everybody else. OP needs to accept that her parents have their own lives and their own priorities.

She needs to put herself in their shoes. (And so do you, PP, instead of playing childish games of distorting posts to stir the pot. Really.)
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2014 10:26     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Anonymous wrote:So many selfish, cold people responding here. Why many of you had children in the first place is a total mystery. You could have skipped the whole thing and have more money now to spend on you, you, you and your hobbies and your adventures and you, you, you.

To the OP, I don't think you are out of line for feeling this way. I don't think your desires are unreasonable, even if they are not achievable. I hope you can find peace about this.

And The next time I see my parents I'm going to hug them both and say thank you to them yet again for being so loving.


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