Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, she can find the boy on facebook I bet. She can still sue for support.

What her parents are doing is illegal and reprehensible.

Maybe she can find an open adoption couple. Or do you have any close friends or family who want a baby? Who would let her continue to be in the kid's life in an "aunt"role?

Define wild. I'm not sure we can trust her messed up parents' definition.

Is she pleasant to be around, or annoying and abrasive? Does she get ok grades? Does she do drugs or drink heavily?

She doesn't even know the boy's last name. She also doesn't know the last name of the girl who brought him. We have talked with her about open adoption, and she is adamant she does not want to give her baby to anyone else.

I can't define wild because while I don't know that I can believe what my brother says I also don't know that I can believe my niece when she claims she stopped smoking weed and smoking/drinking when she thought she might be pregnant. She is sullen and cries a lot and talks about missing her friends, her pets, her sister, school, etc. I know in 8th grade she was on high honor roll and my brother said now she's failing all her classes though Niece says she's got mostly C's and D's, couple of B's. The first full day she was here I think she was trying to pull some shit by using the pregnancy card and we had a very firm talk about how pregnancy does NOT equal too sick to act like a person living a full life. It's better since then, aside from her trying to pull the same crap with DH until she realized he was on board with me, and now she pulls her weight though with a bit of grumbling (which we ignore to her face).

Anonymous wrote:Well, she can find the boy on facebook I bet. She can still sue for support.

What her parents are doing is illegal and reprehensible.

Maybe she can find an open adoption couple. Or do you have any close friends or family who want a baby? Who would let her continue to be in the kid's life in an "aunt"role?

Define wild. I'm not sure we can trust her messed up parents' definition.

Is she pleasant to be around, or annoying and abrasive? Does she get ok grades? Does she do drugs or drink heavily?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of this "life doesn't go as planned" is a BS argument to OP. A relative getting cancer and needing help is "unplanned". A teenager being supremely irresponsible and expecting everyone to turn their lives upside down to accommodate her selfish desire to raise a child when she is a child herself is not the type of "life doesn't go as planned event" that OP has any moral obligation to oblige.

I 100% agree. OP, you should set a timetable -- she can stay with you for 3 weeks. In that time she needs to get cancelling and make a plan to find a place to stay. If she can't do this you need your own backup plan -- ie a home for runaways that will take her in, or CPS.

It's sad, but the situation seems sad all around. It's not clear to me it's a service to her or you or anyone to let her stay and help her with having a baby she is so immature she has no idea about.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the above poster. I wanted to add, I knew a woman who gave up her first child (she was catholic too). Eventually she married the guy who got her pregnant. Her first child (gave up) was a boy. She had three girls with her husband. Now she is worried that her daughters might date their son. What a MESS! Just something to think about. I certainly would be angry with my parents if I brought home a guy and they told me he was my brother!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We planned how many bedrooms we needed based on the number of kids we have. We had our kids at a specific point in our lives. We have a three bedroom small house. We don't really have a good space for a teenager. And her potential baby. We planned our family, financially. That's all I'm saying. It's one thing when you take in a child or two because their parents died, through no fault of their own. It's entirely another when a teenager goes wild and gets kicked out of her house while pregnant and asks to be taken in.

Last sentence says it all. I think the PP who was raised (unhappily) by the teenage parents had the best advice. Just start asking your niece questions as she "thinks this through". Do not volunteer support and politely decline to provide it if asked.

"Can I live with you and have the baby?"
"Umm, no, honey. I already have kids to raise, and we don't have the space here to do that---this baby is your responsibility---so let's talk about what that means."

Then, "So how do you plan to support yourself? Oh---public assistance, huh? Well, let's sit down and do the math on that. Give her the stats for welfare, food stamps, section 8. Look at the rental ads so she can see the cost of housing. Ask her if she plans to continue school. When she says yes---show her the costs of childcare and ask how she is going to afford it.

When she says she'll get a job, ask what she thinks she is qualified to do at 15? If she says, "Starbucks", then show her how much a minimum wage barrista makes.
Just provide lots of data. Help her build a spreadsheet. Explain that if she wants to go to the movies she will need a sitter. Explain cost of sitter. Just be pleasant, and matter of fact, but do not volunteer to raise her child. And---depending upon the age of your own children---leave them with her for a good solid period of time and let her babysit.

This is the best advice I've seen so far. Undermining her brother's authority or enabling her niece's behavior is not going to help the situation. SInce the niece wanted to make adult decisions, she needs to face adult consequences.

+1000 When you act like an adult, you need to accept the consequences.

But adolescents aren't adults. There are good reasons why we as a society treat minors differently than we treat adults and this example should be no different. Research on brain development has pretty clearly established that teenagers are less able to regulate their behavior, more sensitive to external influences, and less able to make decisions that require future orientation. That doesn't mean they should be excused from all consequences for their behavior, but is it appropriate to turn a pregnant 15-year-old out on the street to care for and support herself? Hell no. The parents should be ashamed of themselves.

Kudos to you, OP, for stepping in and trying to help. Hopefully there is a reasonable solution to this issue that ensures appropriate support for your niece without overburdening your family. Maybe your brother and his wife just need a little time to cool off.

You missed the point. THEY wanted to act like adults and have sex. Now she is pregnant. She needs to deal with this in an adult manner. Time to grow up and deal with the situation. She and her BF created the situation. They can't just act like kids. She has to make a decision: Abort, Keep it herself or Give up for Adoption. She needs to understand the repercussions of all three choices. And if she decides to keep the child, she needs to have a plan on how she's going to afford it.

Sorry, you don't get to have sex and then use the "I'm a kid" as an excuse. Anyone who has sex needs to be prepared to deal with the consequences, because the consequences are REAL. This goes for BF as well. He absolutely needs to be held accountable, whether it's to help pay for the abortion or pay for the care of the child. No way should she keep it and collect welfare. I'm sick of paying for other people's children. We did the responsible thing and are paying for our two children. How come irresponsible people get everything handed to them at the cost of the rest of society? This is not an isolated incident. 1 x a thousand or several hundred thousand quickly becomes a HUGE problem in our society.

Anyone who wants to have a child should, as long as THEY are paying for it, not society.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We planned how many bedrooms we needed based on the number of kids we have. We had our kids at a specific point in our lives. We have a three bedroom small house. We don't really have a good space for a teenager. And her potential baby. We planned our family, financially.

This is ridiculous. There are PLENTY of people who have three or four kids in 3BR houses. Two kids to a bedroom is not an impossible situation.

Just love all the other posters who earnestly advise you to tell the girl to murder her child.

Right, but why should OP's kids suffer because their cousin is irresponsible? Also, it is illegal in some states for opposite sex children to share a bedroom.

LOL ... WHAT? Citation please.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We planned how many bedrooms we needed based on the number of kids we have. We had our kids at a specific point in our lives. We have a three bedroom small house. We don't really have a good space for a teenager. And her potential baby. We planned our family, financially. That's all I'm saying. It's one thing when you take in a child or two because their parents died, through no fault of their own. It's entirely another when a teenager goes wild and gets kicked out of her house while pregnant and asks to be taken in.

Last sentence says it all. I think the PP who was raised (unhappily) by the teenage parents had the best advice. Just start asking your niece questions as she "thinks this through". Do not volunteer support and politely decline to provide it if asked.

"Can I live with you and have the baby?"
"Umm, no, honey. I already have kids to raise, and we don't have the space here to do that---this baby is your responsibility---so let's talk about what that means."

Then, "So how do you plan to support yourself? Oh---public assistance, huh? Well, let's sit down and do the math on that. Give her the stats for welfare, food stamps, section 8. Look at the rental ads so she can see the cost of housing. Ask her if she plans to continue school. When she says yes---show her the costs of childcare and ask how she is going to afford it.

When she says she'll get a job, ask what she thinks she is qualified to do at 15? If she says, "Starbucks", then show her how much a minimum wage barrista makes.
Just provide lots of data. Help her build a spreadsheet. Explain that if she wants to go to the movies she will need a sitter. Explain cost of sitter. Just be pleasant, and matter of fact, but do not volunteer to raise her child. And---depending upon the age of your own children---leave them with her for a good solid period of time and let her babysit.

This is the best advice I've seen so far. Undermining her brother's authority or enabling her niece's behavior is not going to help the situation. SInce the niece wanted to make adult decisions, she needs to face adult consequences.

+1000 When you act like an adult, you need to accept the consequences.

But adolescents aren't adults. There are good reasons why we as a society treat minors differently than we treat adults and this example should be no different. Research on brain development has pretty clearly established that teenagers are less able to regulate their behavior, more sensitive to external influences, and less able to make decisions that require future orientation. That doesn't mean they should be excused from all consequences for their behavior, but is it appropriate to turn a pregnant 15-year-old out on the street to care for and support herself? Hell no. The parents should be ashamed of themselves.

Kudos to you, OP, for stepping in and trying to help. Hopefully there is a reasonable solution to this issue that ensures appropriate support for your niece without overburdening your family. Maybe your brother and his wife just need a little time to cool off.