You are welcome! And really, looking back on it now and considering what dear friends have gone through for miscarriages, IVF or donor cycles or adoption, I had it easy. It was mostly the not knowing WHEN it would happen. Or what was wrong. I remember saying all the time, "If I just knew that it WOULD happen at some point, even if it was ten freaking years from now, I would be willing to keep doing it for as long as necessary." Sometimes you just roll the bad dice over and over and over. Another thing that someone told me was that if you mother, you will - somehow or another, one way or another.

Anonymous wrote:A veteran chiming in here, and a report of victory from the battlefield. I relate to and deeply felt ALL this, every single post. Every emotion. After two years of TTC, age 34-36, totally unexplained, tests perfect for both of us, constant charting, OPKs, massage, acupuncture, every suggestion I could find on every fertility forum for "unexplained"; not drinking/working out/doing anything risky for the first year, followed by basically drowning my prenatals in buckets of wine during the 2ww for the next year because I was convinced it was never going to happen anyway; Clomid cycles; 4 failed IUIs; prepared for IVF -- then we randomly wound up pregnant right before starting IVf. Did nothing different that cycle than I had done before. Seriously, nothing. Just put a healthy 2 1/2 year old to bed and I am so grateful for every minute with him because it was so hard to come by. (And I didn't even have to do IVF like some of you amazing troopers.) It's just a f-ing unfair senseless crapshoot but it CAN happen! And pretty much since the day we left the delivery wing I've wanted to wear some sort of badge or tattoo that tells everyone else who is struggling and sees us that that's how I got him. To know that I relate and he wasn't some surprise BFP that magically showed up with no effort. I'm saving that idea for my Shark Tank run. Just know you are NOT alone.

Thank you so much for this! Sorry you went through all that but so glad it had a happy ending. Just what I needed to hear.

A veteran chiming in here, and a report of victory from the battlefield. I relate to and deeply felt ALL this, every single post. Every emotion. After two years of TTC, age 34-36, totally unexplained, tests perfect for both of us, constant charting, OPKs, massage, acupuncture, every suggestion I could find on every fertility forum for "unexplained"; not drinking/working out/doing anything risky for the first year, followed by basically drowning my prenatals in buckets of wine during the 2ww for the next year because I was convinced it was never going to happen anyway; Clomid cycles; 4 failed IUIs; prepared for IVF -- then we randomly wound up pregnant right before starting IVf. Did nothing different that cycle than I had done before. Seriously, nothing. Just put a healthy 2 1/2 year old to bed and I am so grateful for every minute with him because it was so hard to come by. (And I didn't even have to do IVF like some of you amazing troopers.) It's just a f-ing unfair senseless crapshoot but it CAN happen! And pretty much since the day we left the delivery wing I've wanted to wear some sort of badge or tattoo that tells everyone else who is struggling and sees us that that's how I got him. To know that I relate and he wasn't some surprise BFP that magically showed up with no effort. I'm saving that idea for my Shark Tank run. Just know you are NOT alone.

Anonymous wrote:Constantly calculating how far along I'd be if we hadn't lost the pregnancy. People who say "its in God's hands" because I prefer not to think that God killed my babies while they were still inside of me.

Me too. I even read the ongoing thread on the Expectant Moms thread for the month in which I would have delivered.

Constantly calculating how far along I'd be if we hadn't lost the pregnancy. People who say "its in God's hands" because I prefer not to think that God killed my babies while they were still inside of me.

I hate the unfairness of it all. It is so unfair that less-prepared, less capable people manage to have children like they grow on trees while I'm stable, smart, capable, and financially ready for a child and I still don't have one after over three years of trying. How is it fair that drug addicts can have as many children as possible but I can't after spending all kinds of money (Hello ART) with nothing yet to show for it. And I hate the money part...I mean, in theory it is worth it but why do I have to pay all this money to have a baby when it is so free and easy for others? And what if I spend all this money and never get my baby?

Feeling like I have no one to talk to. People asking when we are having kids. My brother acting like my life has no meaning because we don't have kids yet. Pretending to be happy at other people's news.

Like most things, the not knowing if it will ever happen for us. If someone told me to jump out of a plane or climb a mountain or whatever and then it would happen, I would do it if only they would promise it would happen if I did.

every woman who got married around the same time I did is pregnant, except for me.

I hate the cost most of all.
Then I hate people asking us why we are so selfish to wait until we're older to have kids.

This is so therapeutic to know I am not alone. Here's what I hate. Constantly being asked if we're going to have kids. Feeling sad, envious, and jealous of every pregnant woman I see. Not being able to focus at work at all. Seriously, babies and TTC is all I think about. Googling everything and spending way too much time online reading about TTC and fertility--hours and hours. Blaming myself every time AF comes--was it that glass of wine I had, that yoga class, my run last night? Seeing fat/mean/super old/super young/smoking or otherwise unhealthy moms and feeling bitter and angry that they have babies and I don't, even though I am good with kids/loving/financially stable/healthy/non smoking/etc. I get especially angry when I see trashy teenage moms screaming at their kids or spanking them in public or smoking. I want to shake them and say "you don't even deserve that precious child you have! do you even have a clue what a blessing he/she is and how many women don't have what you have!" But I keep a straight face and keep walking, while silently cursing the Universe for not giving me a child. Worrying my younger sister is going to get pregnant before me and that I will never conceive. Hating DH when he can't perform. Having forced sex for the sole purpose of TTC. Worrying if DH will be able to finish when we're TTC and not enjoying it at all. Hating all the Facebook baby and kid photos because it reminds me of what I don't have. Feeling angry at close friends who are moms who never my return phone calls because they are too busy with their kids. Feeling like I have no one to talk to except DCUM. Hating myself for the jealousy, frustration, anger, and envy I feel daily. Staring at pregnant women--I see them everywhere and can't stop myself from looking even though I don't want to be creepy. Wishing I could be someone who is chill and relaxed about everything. Pretending to be excited for all the showers/babies/pregnancy announcements around me whe. I want to crawl in a hole. Hating all the stories about how it happened on their first try. No seriously, ef that. I don't want to hear it. Planning for being pregnant for trips/vacations/weddings and not being. Catching people staring at my stomach, wondering. Worrying about what happens if it doesn't happen--I don't want to do IVF or IUI. Taking a million supplements. Acupuncture even though I hate needles--wondering if I am just wasting my time and money. Regret that I let DH's lack of readiness keep us from trying for two years and feeling like it's too late. Wanting to nurture something little and having nothing to hold. Worrying that if it does happen, how can we even afford to have a baby.

What do I hate most?

Miscarriage #1. Then, miscarriage #2. But then, miscarriage #3.

The sadness I can't hide from my three year old

Feeling like a failure, unworthy, not good enough and just so damn sad

How is it possible that every other woman in the world is pregnant but me? (yes, exaggeration, but just bear with me.) Made the mistake of stopping by the farmer's market in my gentrifying neighborhood this weekend - knowing it would be teaming with young families - but even with that expectation i was blown away. SO. MANY. PREGNANT. WOMEN.

Do you ever think to yourself - if 10% of couples are infertile, and everyone else around me is pregnant, then SOMEONE'S gotta be in that 10%. I guess it's me??