OP here - from all my googling, I am pretty sure she is sort of nutty. I told DH that...Honestly, I don't trust her motives. She is divorced and may or may not have a boyfriend now, but she is not a big intellect and she has tons of default judgements against her (so she is nutty about her finances.) Even if he leaves me (which I am confident he won't now - well, not right now anyways), I think he needs to stay away from her. I think she is a golddigger. We are not rich at all, but we have a house and land out in the suburbs and dH has a great job and she has an admin asst job and a small inexpensive condo.

OP here - things are much better. I am sort of proud of myself for calling her and telling her to leave him alone. the one friend I have been confiding in said to me - good for you; that was right out of a Hallmark movie. DH said he was humiliated by me calling her but understands now that she was a threat to me. The article on "emotional affairs" that I sent him really resonated with him. DH has sworn up and down that things never got physical. I guess I do believe him. He has apologized some more. He cut off all contact - and says he won't even politely reply if she contacts him again. Also, the point I made to him about - why was she allowed to call him at any time but I can't bug him by calling him on his commute home - was such a good point. He totally got that (thanks to DCUM) and realized he should be more available to me and that he was "oversharing" with her. Of course, I spent about 12 hours yesterday googling her and making myself crazy but I have had about 3 long discussions with dH since our 3rd counseling session and even though he did not want to, and he intially refused to talk about her anymore, he now has been answering my questions, such as "Why did you call her at 9 p.m. for 45 minutes?" did you go out to the garage to do that?? etc etc. So I think I have asked most of my questions. And he has answered most of them. My main questions were - how can I be sure you did not see her in person very often? And why did you talk to her by phone for 45 minutes every day? what the heck did you talk about? I guess they talked about all sorts of stuff (mostly me but also her work problems) and he gets now that he was withdrawn and uncommunicative with me because he was so chatty with her. this hurts but he gets it now that it was a betrayal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how are you doing?

+1

Let us know if you've gotten the ball rolling. A lot of women have been through this as you know. You're not alone. Please focus on yourself and your kids and get out. This is only going to wear down your spirit the longer you subject yourself to his games. If you can't afford a good lawyer and you can ask your family for help, do so. At least get a consultation and find out how you can get yourself away from this awful situation and make sure he gives you enough to cover the kids' needs. This is just going to get worse for you.

No. He gets out, not you.

OP, another poster who is very concerned about you. Please let us know how you are.

PP here. Sorry about that. I meant that she gets out of the marriage (and emotionally abusive situation she's in). He DEFINITELY leaves the premise. No other option.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how are you doing?

+1

Let us know if you've gotten the ball rolling. A lot of women have been through this as you know. You're not alone. Please focus on yourself and your kids and get out. This is only going to wear down your spirit the longer you subject yourself to his games. If you can't afford a good lawyer and you can ask your family for help, do so. At least get a consultation and find out how you can get yourself away from this awful situation and make sure he gives you enough to cover the kids' needs. This is just going to get worse for you.

No. He gets out, not you.

OP, another poster who is very concerned about you. Please let us know how you are.

You people are such fucking idiots - women especially. Guy could be out all night every night coming home with all kinds of nicks and scars, he could have a Batmobile in the driveway and a dozen Batsuits in the closet in plain view and you'd still be totally clueless about his secret identity.

Anonymous wrote:OP, how are you doing?

+1

Let us know if you've gotten the ball rolling. A lot of women have been through this as you know. You're not alone. Please focus on yourself and your kids and get out. This is only going to wear down your spirit the longer you subject yourself to his games. If you can't afford a good lawyer and you can ask your family for help, do so. At least get a consultation and find out how you can get yourself away from this awful situation and make sure he gives you enough to cover the kids' needs. This is just going to get worse for you.

OP, how are you doing?

Op I am actually getting mad reading your posts- sorry to mean here but you need the shit shaken out of you and need to wake up!!! He's having an affair- period. He will say anything at this point to get you off his back- so that he continue this fantasy land life with Jane.
At this moment he is probably emailing her love letters or calling her from a brand new cell phone. Any man that truly wants to "rebuild trust" and keep his family would be an open book and on his knees begging for forgiveness - instead he is
- not allowing you access to his computer or email accounts
- gas lighting you and calling you controlling
- making excuses about sharing your personal marital issues with another WOMAN
- already checked out

If you really want to know the truth hire a PI- how ever based on posts I have a feeling that you'd like to continue t
living in denial and hoping that this is all just a bad dream...

Anonymous wrote:OP, get angry. Your dick of a husband is still gas lighting you, belittling you, betraying you. The only way I would ever consider taking someone like this back is if he cut off all contact immediately, started groveling to me, and spent his waking moments crying his eyes out and repenting for his behavior. I know you're in the vortex, just trying to reclaim your old normal life, but it's gone. I'm so sorry. It's gone. If he truly wanted to work on your marriage, he would be doing whatever it takes to make it work, not negotiating and arguing with you over details. He would do whatever you ask because he wouldn't want to lose you.

Does he know he will be raising his kids part time? Will Jane be so enamored when he has the kids, who hate her, and money is too tight for romantic dinners?

I'm so sorry OP. Take him to court and rip his balls out.

+1,000

Your kids will pick up on all of this soon enough. Show them mom is a strong woman and won't take any crap. This isn't going to be a case of mom and dad don't have anything in common anymore, can't get along, have different goals and need to part ways but we still love you kids... it's dad's a real prick and was having an affair with some wench and treating mom like dirt.

OP, get angry. Your dick of a husband is still gas lighting you, belittling you, betraying you. The only way I would ever consider taking someone like this back is if he cut off all contact immediately, started groveling to me, and spent his waking moments crying his eyes out and repenting for his behavior. I know you're in the vortex, just trying to reclaim your old normal life, but it's gone. I'm so sorry. It's gone. If he truly wanted to work on your marriage, he would be doing whatever it takes to make it work, not negotiating and arguing with you over details. He would do whatever you ask because he wouldn't want to lose you.

Does he know he will be raising his kids part time? Will Jane be so enamored when he has the kids, who hate her, and money is too tight for romantic dinners?

I'm so sorry OP. Take him to court and rip his balls out.

YES x 1,000 to the PP. He doesn't care about your marriage right now. You need to be strong and follow the script of the PP that involves giving your cheating dirtbag of a DH a timeline...after you've been in touch with a good attorney to learn your options. Good luck!!

Anonymous wrote:OP here - he has adamantly refused to let me have access to his email. He keeps his two home computers all locked up. I think he was surprised I got the phone records. He wouldn't even agree to "ground rules" about the phone. I said you need to leave the phone out in the open with the ringer on..and if you go out to garage to work on a project, leave phone in house. he didn't like these "rules" and said I was controlling him. But, I said to him, if you are really and truly working on our marriage, we need to rebuild trust. He doesn't seem very willing to do anything to prove himself re: trust issues right now. But he did apologize again and tell me, I have done what you asked; I have cut off all contact. (He called her after I called her and he apologized to her for my call - which I told him was ridicululous - he should care more about my feelings than her feelings - and he says he told her he was "oversharing" with her and he knows she was just being a supportive friend but that he needed to stop this now.)

OP, I'm going to be blunt. You are going about this all wrong. Of COURSE he's not working on your marriage. How could he be working on "rebuilding trust" when he's in the middle of a fucking affair that he won't admit to, and that is STILL OCCURRING?

I honestly wish I could reach through my computer screen and shake some sense into you. You are so focused on "rebuilding trust", setting ground rules, etc. which is about 100 steps ahead of where you currently are. He needs to admit to the fucking affair that is glaringly obvious to the rest of us, if there is any hope of moving on.

PLEASE hire a PI. You are going to have to confront him with solid evidence, otherwise he will continue gaslighting you while he talks to/has sex with the OW whenever he can.

Your husband is full of it and having an affair. Try to install a keylogger on the computer if possible, or read text messages via online wireless account (some of them have that functionality). Do nOt consider moving out.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - he has adamantly refused to let me have access to his email. He keeps his two home computers all locked up. I think he was surprised I got the phone records. He wouldn't even agree to "ground rules" about the phone. I said you need to leave the phone out in the open with the ringer on..and if you go out to garage to work on a project, leave phone in house. he didn't like these "rules" and said I was controlling him. But, I said to him, if you are really and truly working on our marriage, we need to rebuild trust. He doesn't seem very willing to do anything to prove himself re: trust issues right now. But he did apologize again and tell me, I have done what you asked; I have cut off all contact. (He called her after I called her and he apologized to her for my call - which I told him was ridicululous - he should care more about my feelings than her feelings - and he says he told her he was "oversharing" with her and he knows she was just being a supportive friend but that he needed to stop this now.)

This is all BS. He doesn't want to work with you on this. There are too many secrets here. You shouldn't have to institute ground rules. Either you trust him, or you don't. Trusting someone is a risk. You too the risk and it didn't work out in your favor. You tried, you did the best you can.

On another note, I think you need to get yourself your own therapist who is also in your corner. Sounds like the one you've been seeing is sort of on your husband's side. This makes me think of a divorce story I read in a book a while ago called Three Wishes. It's not about divorce-- the book focuses on three friends pushing 40 who want to have children-- however, one of them finds out her husband had been cheating on her with a much younger woman. They agree to go to counseling together through the divorce process and the narrator, the wife, realizes that the counselor was really on the husband's side and was trying to get her to agree to things that weren't in her best interest. The rest of the book might not interest you, but you mind find the woman's story of interest (from what I recall that section was told by one of the three writers, Beth).

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Also OP, also you might just have to go ahead and file those papers to wake him up so he will realize that ish is real. I'd give him an ultimatum and absolutely stick to it.