Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think this is a great scenario to use as a little test to see if other families are compatible with us...

I would give them the scenario - daughters are best friends, and during a sleepover my daughter plays a prank and puts make-up on your daughter's face while she sleeps. Your daughter is upset about this. How would you respond?

If their answer includes any of the following: chest pain, hours of crying, defacement, bullying, mean girls, hatred and aggression, confrontation, 3 am emails, call the school, etc then I know we should walk away...first backing up slowly and when we think we are out of sight...turn and run.

And other families who agree with those words relative to that scenario now have a new compatible family to hang out with. A good test!

Your use of the phrases "plays a prank" and "puts makeup" to describe what happened that night show a very cavalier attitude in my opinion, to something that was quite mean.

I would be fine with using this incident as a litmus test to keep my children from associating with you.

Perfect! Then we will both be happy. We have lots of friends and look for new friends to be people we don't have to walk on eggshells around so it works out great.

Anonymous wrote:I think kids are done a huge disservice when every mean act is labeled bullying. (I'm the PP whose son was harassed/attacked at school)

So it wasn't bullying. And it clearly wasn't an attack, as your child experienced.

It was still mean. And it didn't happen at school, while awake, it happened in her own home, while she was asleep.

I then called each parent, and calmly discussed the above. The parents seemed concerned and disappointed in their daughters. The first parent was less vocal, but seemed concerned and compassionate. The second parent was very disappointed and handled it so very well.

I dropped off both girls at home by 9 am, told the parents that this is an opportunity to teach our girls better behavior.

Why would you say that? It sounds like they were concerned and compassionate and prepared to handle the situation. Why do you need to direct them as to what to do at that point?

Anonymous wrote:I think kids are done a huge disservice when every mean act is labeled bullying. (I'm the PP whose son was harassed/attacked at school)

Every mean thing that happens isn't bullying. Sometimes a calmer reaction gets further. Now, when my kid came home after someone wrapping their hands around his neck (leaving prints) and threatened him with a knife? We acted. Instantly. There were other fairly minor things that happened that he learned to manage. Should kids "have to"? No. I do think though that in this case mom could have done more good being a calming influence. Help the DD, point out to the kids in the morning that they went too far... and let things happen from there. If the girls continue with innocent things that end up being mean, then there's an issue. Maybe though, this was a one time thing that could have been gotten through and past. I don't see that happening now.

OP, I hope you and your daughter have calmed down. Feeling like your child has been attacked, or seeing them upset, is never easy. She needs to be see you as a calming force, though. Be her rock and her voice of reason.

I think mom was pretty calm, actually.

chest pain is caused by having an anxiety attack. I can't blame someone from being upset about being woken up in the middle of the night by a very upset child. I personally am not prone to anxiety, so thankfully I do not have panic or anxiety attacks as a reaction to stressful events. But I do agree that when your child is deeply upset about something (as this girl had every right to be!) it was be upsetting to the mom. Under the circumstances, I think she reacted very calmly and didn't chew out the girls, yell, fly off the handle She had a calm conversation with them, and also with their parents. It's not quite how I would have handled it, but everyone parents differently and this isn't something most parents plan to have happen.

Sending a 3 AM email saying "I'm bringing your girls home early tomorrow..." is no big deal -- She was awake after all because of a "prank" their DAUGHTERS pulled in the wee hours of the morning, she had just spent some time comforting her daughter down, and wasn't asleep. It's not like she called or texted them and woke them up for heaven's sake.

I went on a ton of sleep overs and sleep away camps when I was a kid and nothing like this happened at any of them. The ONE thing I remember was some girl writing something mean about me on the bathroom wall of a camp we were at. That was EXTREMELY hurtful, and my mom was there (she was a chaperone on the trip) and she got very mad at the girls as well. I didn't cry for hours though -- but I cried for at least an hour, and I went and hid in the car so I didn't have to see the jerk. (Still remember her name -- Mary)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think this is a great scenario to use as a little test to see if other families are compatible with us...

I would give them the scenario - daughters are best friends, and during a sleepover my daughter plays a prank and puts make-up on your daughter's face while she sleeps. Your daughter is upset about this. How would you respond?

If their answer includes any of the following: chest pain, hours of crying, defacement, bullying, mean girls, hatred and aggression, confrontation, 3 am emails, call the school, etc then I know we should walk away...first backing up slowly and when we think we are out of sight...turn and run.

And other families who agree with those words relative to that scenario now have a new compatible family to hang out with. A good test!

Your use of the phrases "plays a prank" and "puts makeup" to describe what happened that night show a very cavalier attitude in my opinion, to something that was quite mean.

I would be fine with using this incident as a litmus test to keep my children from associating with you.

Yes, I agree. I'll give you an alternate scenario -- daughters are friends, and during a sleepover at your daughter's house, my daughter does something to your daughter that humiliates her and makes her extremely upset. I then shrug this off as a "prank". How would you respond?

Anonymous wrote:Raise your hand is: your beds sheets were short-sheeted at camp, or someone put your hand in warm water to make you pee in your sleep, or put lipstick on your face, or your bra up the camp flag pole, or you were on the other end of this and you, yourself, short sheeted someone's bed or put their hand in warm water. Its not necessarily right and it can hurt feelings buts pretty much standard tween fare. Its certainly not sociopathy. That would be torturing animals. Huge difference.

Shorter PP: people have always done mean things as "jokes", and that's just how it is.

I think kids are done a huge disservice when every mean act is labeled bullying. (I'm the PP whose son was harassed/attacked at school)

Every mean thing that happens isn't bullying. Sometimes a calmer reaction gets further. Now, when my kid came home after someone wrapping their hands around his neck (leaving prints) and threatened him with a knife? We acted. Instantly. There were other fairly minor things that happened that he learned to manage. Should kids "have to"? No. I do think though that in this case mom could have done more good being a calming influence. Help the DD, point out to the kids in the morning that they went too far... and let things happen from there. If the girls continue with innocent things that end up being mean, then there's an issue. Maybe though, this was a one time thing that could have been gotten through and past. I don't see that happening now.

OP, I hope you and your daughter have calmed down. Feeling like your child has been attacked, or seeing them upset, is never easy. She needs to be see you as a calming force, though. Be her rock and her voice of reason.

Anonymous wrote:I actually think this is a great scenario to use as a little test to see if other families are compatible with us...

I would give them the scenario - daughters are best friends, and during a sleepover my daughter plays a prank and puts make-up on your daughter's face while she sleeps. Your daughter is upset about this. How would you respond?

If their answer includes any of the following: chest pain, hours of crying, defacement, bullying, mean girls, hatred and aggression, confrontation, 3 am emails, call the school, etc then I know we should walk away...first backing up slowly and when we think we are out of sight...turn and run.

And other families who agree with those words relative to that scenario now have a new compatible family to hang out with. A good test!

Your use of the phrases "plays a prank" and "puts makeup" to describe what happened that night show a very cavalier attitude in my opinion, to something that was quite mean.

I would be fine with using this incident as a litmus test to keep my children from associating with you.

Anonymous wrote:OP the PP's that are saying you overreacted are the same PP's who probably think it is okay if DD has friends whose parents smoke weed. I think you handled it well. The reason OP was so upset was because her daughter's two best friends ganged up on her at a sleep over.

Yep. Two 13 yr olds girls putting make up on their friend's face while she sleeps is pretty much identical to parents smoking cannabis. Hard to find two things more closely related - surprised I didn't think of it first.

I actually think this is a great scenario to use as a little test to see if other families are compatible with us...

I would give them the scenario - daughters are best friends, and during a sleepover my daughter plays a prank and puts make-up on your daughter's face while she sleeps. Your daughter is upset about this. How would you respond?

If their answer includes any of the following: chest pain, hours of crying, defacement, bullying, mean girls, hatred and aggression, confrontation, 3 am emails, call the school, etc then I know we should walk away...first backing up slowly and when we think we are out of sight...turn and run.

And other families who agree with those words relative to that scenario now have a new compatible family to hang out with. A good test!

OP the PP's that are saying you overreacted are the same PP's who probably think it is okay if DD has friends whose parents smoke weed. I think you handled it well. The reason OP was so upset was because her daughter's two best friends ganged up on her at a sleep over.

I agree it was a mean thing for them to do and had to be addressed. A talk with all 3 girls in the morning, and tell their parents at pick up. A 3 am email to the parents and chest pains are over the top.

Raise your hand is: your beds sheets were short-sheeted at camp, or someone put your hand in warm water to make you pee in your sleep, or put lipstick on your face, or your bra up the camp flag pole, or you were on the other end of this and you, yourself, short sheeted someone's bed or put their hand in warm water. Its not necessarily right and it can hurt feelings buts pretty much standard tween fare. Its certainly not sociopathy. That would be torturing animals. Huge difference.

Part of the OP's chest pains issue is that what's done is done. Hurtful act. It would have helped if OP could have stayed calmer. Maybe she will have the learning experience. OP I am so sorry -- I would be very upset in this situation also.