Anonymous
Post 01/05/2014 21:52     Subject: What do you think about letting 17 yr old hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

This is where we come back to my original premise that I just don't believe you exist. You propose a seemingly ideal situation in which your brilliant DD maintains stellar grades while keeping her perfect boyfriend sexually satisfied and never ever worrying about pregnancy and/or STDs because they are both so responsible. Let me guess: your DH is perfect, too, right? Where do you get this stuff? Romance novels? Because you really stretch credulity.



Maybe they're having PIV sex because SHE wants to have sex? Because SHE wants to be sexually satisfied? If your model of teenagers having sex is "boys want it and girls either give in or don't give in" -- well, that's part of the problem.


I was so focused on the ridiculous part about the kinds of people they associate with that I didn't focus on this. (1) I didn't say her boyfriend is perfect, (2) she is not servicing him. Whatever they are doing she is doing for her own benefit as well. You do understand that women enjoy sex, don't you? (3) I do worry about pregnancy and STDS (did you read my previous posts) which is why I have discussed these things with my daughter and keep lines of communication open AND make this the priority, not some outdated idea about her virginity, (4) not sure why you brought my DH in or why you imagine me saying he's perfect. You have some kind of very active scenario going on in your mind. Bu (5) DD is very intelligent and does maintain her stellar grades.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2014 21:46     Subject: What do you think about letting 17 yr old hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:And from the second:

CONCLUSIONS: Adolescents who have an abortion do not appear to be at elevated risk for depression or low self-esteem in the short term or up to five years after the abortion

In other words, these studies say the exact opposite of what you are arguing.


(I posted the links to the articles. I was not the person saying that abortion causes depression -- and I would never say that, because it's not true (as the articles show!).)

Your first link is for Danish women. I'm sure they're lovely people, but I haven't been there yet, so I really can't relate to their culture. Sorry.
Your second link will not allow me to see the actual study. Can you please remedy that?
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2014 21:06     Subject: Re:What do you think about letting 17 yr old hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend?
I don't love the idea of my high schooler having sex (we're not there yet). I didn't have sex til college. That said, I think high school could potentially be a better age for first experiences, if the relationship is right. You don't want to forbid it all til college, or the shit could really hit the fan. You don't want a child who has been so restricted that he/she goes wild in college, or is suddenly emotionally overwhelmed with too much at once (and doesn't have parents around for support if things in a relationship go wrong)
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2014 20:28     Subject: What do you think about letting 17 yr old hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Unless you expect you DC to remain a virgin until married, the "what if the condom breaks" issue doesn't go away when they turn 18. I don't want my DC to get pregnant in college, either. Given that goal, what is the best way to achieve it?

The MIT jab is hysterical. DD is at the top of her class and had phenomenal SATs. I have no doubt about her ability to get into a fantastic college (though she has no interest in MIT, so you are right that your kid will get in there before mine). Kids who have sex get into all sorts of top schools. But the college doesn't matter. If my child were a student with lower grades, I would still not want her to get pregnant.


This is where we come back to my original premise that I just don't believe you exist. You propose a seemingly ideal situation in which your brilliant DD maintains stellar grades while keeping her perfect boyfriend sexually satisfied and never ever worrying about pregnancy and/or STDs because they are both so responsible. Let me guess: your DH is perfect, too, right? Where do you get this stuff? Romance novels? Because you really stretch credulity.

Here's my reality: DH and I are lawyers who want our kids to go to MIT and don't want pregnancy and/or STDs to stand in their way, so they can focus on condoms when they're of legal age to buy them on their own. Right now, our kids are in elementary school, so it's not an issue, but when the time comes, bedroom doors will stay open and boyfriends/girlfriends will stay downstairs. Since we generally associate with people of similar backgrounds and ambitions for their own kids, we're sure to find like minded parents when the time comes.

Believe what you want about how you define "maturity" and "committed relationships," but I think you're either fictional or just plain wrong.


If they are 17 now, they'll be 18 in what, a few months? LEGAL adults? Then what are you going to do?


Yes, I'd prefer my kids waited until college. But in some ways there's a lot more to juggle in college. Many, many of my friends started college, had sex with new boyfriends or multiple partners -- and they all went on to full lives. Were there any unintended pregnancies? Yes, but almost all of them were in senior year or right after college, which could also torpedo school. (All my friends had abortions and continued their education.)

I also have several sets of friends who were sleeping with their high school boyfriends, married them after college -- and they are still married, 30 plus years later.


Anonymous
Post 01/05/2014 19:34     Subject: What do you think about letting 17 yr old hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend?
Anonymous wrote:And from the second:

CONCLUSIONS: Adolescents who have an abortion do not appear to be at elevated risk for depression or low self-esteem in the short term or up to five years after the abortion

In other words, these studies say the exact opposite of what you are arguing.


(I posted the links to the articles. I was not the person saying that abortion causes depression -- and I would never say that, because it's not true (as the articles show!).)
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2014 19:33     Subject: What do you think about letting 17 yr old hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend?
Anonymous wrote:

This is where we come back to my original premise that I just don't believe you exist. You propose a seemingly ideal situation in which your brilliant DD maintains stellar grades while keeping her perfect boyfriend sexually satisfied and never ever worrying about pregnancy and/or STDs because they are both so responsible. Let me guess: your DH is perfect, too, right? Where do you get this stuff? Romance novels? Because you really stretch credulity.



Maybe they're having PIV sex because SHE wants to have sex? Because SHE wants to be sexually satisfied? If your model of teenagers having sex is "boys want it and girls either give in or don't give in" -- well, that's part of the problem.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2014 18:34     Subject: What do you think about letting 17 yr old hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Unless you expect you DC to remain a virgin until married, the "what if the condom breaks" issue doesn't go away when they turn 18. I don't want my DC to get pregnant in college, either. Given that goal, what is the best way to achieve it?

The MIT jab is hysterical. DD is at the top of her class and had phenomenal SATs. I have no doubt about her ability to get into a fantastic college (though she has no interest in MIT, so you are right that your kid will get in there before mine). Kids who have sex get into all sorts of top schools. But the college doesn't matter. If my child were a student with lower grades, I would still not want her to get pregnant.


This is where we come back to my original premise that I just don't believe you exist. You propose a seemingly ideal situation in which your brilliant DD maintains stellar grades while keeping her perfect boyfriend sexually satisfied and never ever worrying about pregnancy and/or STDs because they are both so responsible. Let me guess: your DH is perfect, too, right? Where do you get this stuff? Romance novels? Because you really stretch credulity.

Here's my reality: DH and I are lawyers who want our kids to go to MIT and don't want pregnancy and/or STDs to stand in their way, so they can focus on condoms when they're of legal age to buy them on their own. Right now, our kids are in elementary school, so it's not an issue, but when the time comes, bedroom doors will stay open and boyfriends/girlfriends will stay downstairs. Since we generally associate with people of similar backgrounds and ambitions for their own kids, we're sure to find like minded parents when the time comes.

Believe what you want about how you define "maturity" and "committed relationships," but I think you're either fictional or just plain wrong.


OK, now I suspect you aren't real. You want your kids to go to MIT? What if they don't want to go to MIT? What if they don't get in? You associate with people "of similar backgrounds?" Yes, that will make all the difference.

Guess what, you can have sex and concentrate on your studies, just like you can have sex and also a job. A large proportion of kids at ivy league schools have had sex before they get there. And they still get there!!! because they don't screen for virgins in the application process.

And guess what else, the children of the kids of "similar backgrounds" have sex!! Its true. My DH and I both went to ivy league schools and our DD has had sex. Amazing! And we know of other kids who have parents who went to ivy league schools, are lawyers and doctors and even members of congress, who have had sex!

Honestly I don't know why parents of very young children are even posting on this thread. You have no idea what you will do when your children are older, even if you think you do, and you have no idea what the world is like for teens.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2014 17:29     Subject: What do you think about letting 17 yr old hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend?
Anonymous wrote:Unless you expect you DC to remain a virgin until married, the "what if the condom breaks" issue doesn't go away when they turn 18. I don't want my DC to get pregnant in college, either. Given that goal, what is the best way to achieve it?

The MIT jab is hysterical. DD is at the top of her class and had phenomenal SATs. I have no doubt about her ability to get into a fantastic college (though she has no interest in MIT, so you are right that your kid will get in there before mine). Kids who have sex get into all sorts of top schools. But the college doesn't matter. If my child were a student with lower grades, I would still not want her to get pregnant.


This is where we come back to my original premise that I just don't believe you exist. You propose a seemingly ideal situation in which your brilliant DD maintains stellar grades while keeping her perfect boyfriend sexually satisfied and never ever worrying about pregnancy and/or STDs because they are both so responsible. Let me guess: your DH is perfect, too, right? Where do you get this stuff? Romance novels? Because you really stretch credulity.

Here's my reality: DH and I are lawyers who want our kids to go to MIT and don't want pregnancy and/or STDs to stand in their way, so they can focus on condoms when they're of legal age to buy them on their own. Right now, our kids are in elementary school, so it's not an issue, but when the time comes, bedroom doors will stay open and boyfriends/girlfriends will stay downstairs. Since we generally associate with people of similar backgrounds and ambitions for their own kids, we're sure to find like minded parents when the time comes.

Believe what you want about how you define "maturity" and "committed relationships," but I think you're either fictional or just plain wrong.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2014 17:20     Subject: What do you think about letting 17 yr old hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend?
Interesting. When I was 16 I would hang out with my 15 year old boyfriend in his basement with his parents upstairs.
We didn't have sex because I wasn't ready to - though we did almost everything else. I didn't end up losing my virginity until I was 19. Though kids are a bit more advanced these days.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2014 17:17     Subject: Re:What do you think about letting 17 yr old hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend?
I have a toddler boy fwiw.

My approach would be to talk to him about learning how to have a respectful relationship with someone. Meaning, yes we all have urges and hormones, but that it clogs what is really important. Be friends, go on dates, watch movies. I will pay for it! Sex is fine in a committed relationship, but if you are 17 and shipping off to college you need to think about the consequences of sex emotionally during that transition. I would also try to explain that sex for women can be very different than for men. That he absolutely can hurt someone deeply by using them.

Bottom-line, no, the door is not to be closed.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2014 17:17     Subject: What do you think about letting 17 yr old hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend?
Anonymous wrote:Buy and give him condoms and tell him you expect him to use them every time he has sex. 17 year olds
are biologically wired to want sex. nothing anyone can do will ever change this. thank goodness because this is the right time of life to begin to explore sexuality.


Yeah, that's one man's opinion. Here's my view: 17 is the right time to focus on college and a future. Yes, all humans are wired to have sex, but it's not a requirement, certainly not for kids who are under aged. Parents who blithely make your claims don't help their kids by trying to feign sophistication/friendship while neglecting the parental role. Even my slightly more liberal DH who concedes some of other posters' points said, "but I can't handle it. They can't have sex in my house. They'll have to sneak around."

When both parents feel that strongly in agreement with one another and we're devoted parents, the kids have to remember that we're looking out for their future freedom and earning ability, so they'll just have to wait until they're in college and/or in their own homes.

As for the abortion debate, my view is that pregnancy itself is traumatic and rough on young bodies/minds. Kids who can't handle the responsibility to prevent pregnancy shouldn't have sex in the first place, regardless of "wiring." Many people wait til college and grow up just fine, so none of you have changed my mind one iota.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2014 17:12     Subject: What do you think about letting 17 yr old hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend?
Anonymous wrote:Buy and give him condoms and tell him you expect him to use them every time he has sex. 17 year olds
are biologically wired to want sex. nothing anyone can do will ever change this. thank goodness because this is the right time of life to begin to explore sexuality.


No one is biologically wired to want sex....
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2014 17:06     Subject: What do you think about letting 17 yr old hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend?
Anonymous wrote:Buy and give him condoms and tell him you expect him to use them every time he has sex. 17 year olds
are biologically wired to want sex. nothing anyone can do will ever change this. thank goodness because this is the right time of life to begin to explore sexuality.


Why is it the right time to begin to explore sexuality? Can't condoms fall off and/or break? Should she be using something in addition to the condom?
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2014 16:19     Subject: What do you think about letting 17 yr old hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend?
Buy and give him condoms and tell him you expect him to use them every time he has sex. 17 year olds
are biologically wired to want sex. nothing anyone can do will ever change this. thank goodness because this is the right time of life to begin to explore sexuality.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2014 16:14     Subject: What do you think about letting 17 yr old hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend?
And from the second:

CONCLUSIONS: Adolescents who have an abortion do not appear to be at elevated risk for depression or low self-esteem in the short term or up to five years after the abortion

In other words, these studies say the exact opposite of what you are arguing.