Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A woman's success isn't emasculating. However, her lack of sexual desire triggered by her perception (whether actual or just imagined) of herself as more successful than you is emasculating.

So I can't win? I mean, it's a known fact that I have an advanced degree and he does not. And that I make more money. It's not like I'm throwing this in his face. It's there. He knows it too. He is the one who brings it up. What should I say? Sorry for getting that degree? I do my very best to try and be supportive. If he wants to go to school and get an advanced degree, I am behind that 110%. I have listened, and supported, and cheerlead him through a job search process that is still ongoing. I BELIEVE in him. I just don't want to be the recipient of every single insecure thought that runs through his mind.

Despite your advanced degree, I seem to have been unsuccessful in communicating my idea. It's not the degree that's emasculating. It's not your money. It's your lack of sexual desire for him that is emasculating. (I bolded that part this time). If you had the degree and the money and were still sexually attracted to him despite your perception that you are more successful than him, that would not be emasculating.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written your post. I'm married to a man who is kind and a great husband and father. BUT, he's a total beta who allows me to make almost all of the decisions in our marriage. I actually had a talk with him about a month ago about my frustration with things as they stand.

While I am an assertive person by nature and will instinctly seek to take the lead, I've come to realize that I only do this when I don't sense another lead present. I let my husband know that if he assumed the lead on things, I would HAPPILY revel in knowing he has things under control. It would be a DREAM to be able to rely on my mate to make sure everything was okay.

Like you, I don't want to be the primary decision maker. Rather than assume I want this role, what my husband doesn't get is that I do it because otherwise nothing would get done. I agree that it is exhausting to be consulted on every little move. My husband is the type to get a job and stay there while also complaining to me about his unhappiness. He needs my input on things that are either simple or easy to Google (how to do a PowerPoint, correctly formatting an email, etc). He claims he wants to go back to school, but won't do it unless I help him every step of the way (filling out application, FAFSA, choosing classes, etc). He shows NO desire to figure out things on his own and it's frustrating as hell.

Bingo!!

OP - the fact that you condition your happiness with him arranging a date on his first checking your schedule suggests the problem to me. It's not an unreasonable thing to want; but if he's going to lead, he has to lead. If he's a good leader, he'll probably check your schedule. If he's a strong leader, he might not give a damn about what others want you to do -- he wants you to do something else, so tough shit for them and their plans for you.

But, I wonder how many other times he made some kind of fledgling attempt to lead only to find that he hadn't met one of your (perhaps) reasonable conditions. He might have come to the conclusion that, "Well, I don't have strong opinions on most of these things; she clearly does, so I'll defer to her. That will make her happy."

I'm maybe a little less agreeable; so I've made it clear to my wife that, in a given situation, either I'm making the decisions or I'm not. I don't care much either way. However, I'm not in the business of having my decisions second guessed.

Anonymous wrote:A woman's success isn't emasculating. However, her lack of sexual desire triggered by her perception (whether actual or just imagined) of herself as more successful than you is emasculating.

So I can't win? I mean, it's a known fact that I have an advanced degree and he does not. And that I make more money. It's not like I'm throwing this in his face. It's there. He knows it too. He is the one who brings it up. What should I say? Sorry for getting that degree? I do my very best to try and be supportive. If he wants to go to school and get an advanced degree, I am behind that 110%. I have listened, and supported, and cheerlead him through a job search process that is still ongoing. I BELIEVE in him. I just don't want to be the recipient of every single insecure thought that runs through his mind.

Anonymous wrote:Second 15:47 poster again. Just wanted to say I share your frustration on having a husband who doesn't make any entertainment plans. I handle date night activities, vacations, etc. He is happy enough to go with the flow without ever taking the lead to plan things. I stopped looking for him to at least take the lead on my birthday many moons ago. As I write all this now, it's really quite depressing.

Sorry, I'm actually the third 15:47 poster. The one with the similarly passive husband.

Second 15:47 poster again. Just wanted to say I share your frustration on having a husband who doesn't make any entertainment plans. I handle date night activities, vacations, etc. He is happy enough to go with the flow without ever taking the lead to plan things. I stopped looking for him to at least take the lead on my birthday many moons ago. As I write all this now, it's really quite depressing.

OP, I think you really need to think about the things that are truly, actually non-negotiable, talk to him calmly and openly about it, and allow him to respond. If he never responds, you have a choice about what to do. Certain things people let slide in relationships because we decide the good outweighs the bad, but focus on what is truly non-negotiable for you and communicate. No one will ever live up to our idea of perfect, it's a matter of what bad we will live with because the good outweighs the bad.

15:14 here – OP, your DH is clearly in some sort of rut as others have also noted. But why? OP, you sound like a lovely person (I mean that seriously) and it may be that your hard work and success is intimidating to him. You seem to have been able to conquer your challenges and are continuing to be successful - which is awesome.

But deep down, he may feel emasculated in a way - that he is not the 'provider' for the family; that he is not the strong presence in the house who can solve problems, fix things, etc. It's no one's fault (and don't feel ashamed). It's difficult for many men who are trying to be supportive and understanding (more than our fathers), yet also trying to figure out how to "still be a man" in a very different reality than the world we grew up in. In fact, he may be ashamed with himself that he just can't get things going in the right direction and this has spilled over into your family life (he can't make simple decisions like what's for dinner) and definitely into the bedroom.

Your attempts thus far to be supportive and encouraging, to stroke his ego are more than admirable. I think we all realize that fine line you're trying to walk - not to be bitchy and nagging yet trying to gently push and nudge him forward. But we men don't do subtlety well. It's directness (not bluntness or meanness) that works - and maybe it needs to come from someone else (if he has brothers, best friend, etc.) - to tell him to get his shit together and restart his testosterone engine (BTW - has he checked his T levels?).

in addition to some good advice you've gotten, all I can say is that start with simple things - stuff to get his ego flowing back, to rebuild some of that mojo (confidence) that he seems to have lost. You can’t tackle everything b/c it’s probably just too daunting for him to think of it all and that’s why he’s in this vicious cycle.

maybe workout together (you “need” his help to get in shape AND you want to spend time with him); tell him you love simple surprises (e.g., he chooses dinner 1 or 2 nights) – and give him props to your friends (and for him to witness); you, for no reason, hold his hand, reminisce about the days when he was courting you (tell him in different ways you love him) – men, even confident men in healthy relationships need to hear that. But the important thing is not to expect the reciprocity right away – he has to internalize all of this – and hopefully, he breaks out of his funk and you start to see changes. Then you can incorporate different things - maybe you take him clothes shopping –get him to dress differently so he feels more confident (and maybe you get turned on too), maybe a new hairstyle, whatever. But together, if he is showing signs of improving, this nudging can help with more substantive break-throughs.

I wish you both the best of luck!

OP, you are not "easy peasy." You should accept that. And then tell your DH, directly, what you want.

OP, I could have written your post. I'm married to a man who is kind and a great husband and father. BUT, he's a total beta who allows me to make almost all of the decisions in our marriage. I actually had a talk with him about a month ago about my frustration with things as they stand.

While I am an assertive person by nature and will instinctly seek to take the lead, I've come to realize that I only do this when I don't sense another lead present. I let my husband know that if he assumed the lead on things, I would HAPPILY revel in knowing he has things under control. It would be a DREAM to be able to rely on my mate to make sure everything was okay.

Like you, I don't want to be the primary decision maker. Rather than assume I want this role, what my husband doesn't get is that I do it because otherwise nothing would get done. I agree that it is exhausting to be consulted on every little move. My husband is the type to get a job and stay there while also complaining to me about his unhappiness. He needs my input on things that are either simple or easy to Google (how to do a PowerPoint, correctly formatting an email, etc). He claims he wants to go back to school, but won't do it unless I help him every step of the way (filling out application, FAFSA, choosing classes, etc). He shows NO desire to figure out things on his own and it's frustrating as hell.

Say, hey, I'd really like it if you made a plan for us to do something casual like x or y and surprised me. It might be fun, don't you think?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered that you might be emotionally unavailable? Many women would like a man willing to talk about his emotions and listen to his partner's. Do you ever express feelings of insecurity or sadness or regret to him? They're there, but you probably pretend to be perfect and flawless instead. When you point fingers at someone else, you should really be looking at yourself first. I learned this the hard way.

I'm plenty emotionally available. We've gone through a lot recently, and just this past weekend he was my shoulder to cry on about something. So see, he can be gallant and kind, and I love him for that. I just don't have to cry on his should about every single freaking thing.

And trust me, I am the last person that ANYONE would ever call perfect or flawless. And I know it.

If you're anything like me, you've tried everything to fill up the empty space where your true self-esteem should be. Not people patting you on the back, or having the best grades, or popularity, or the perfect boyfriend or husband. All I can say is, we can only work on ourselves and making ourselves the most genuine, loving version of our true selves. Once you stop looking elsewhere and trying to change others to suit our needs, life gets better. You can't change your husband. Accept him or move on.

This is an empty platitude that is not at all helpful. I know that I can't change him. But to simply say that we have to accept others 100% or move on - black or white, this or that - is bullshit IMO. Relationships are complex; they are not black and white. I've already said I don't want a divorce. I have a child. And I know that I would be hard pressed to do better as an overall package. I just want DH to be the best man that I know he can be. I am doing my best to be the best person I can be. Lord knows, DH has brought things to my attention that he felt needed improvement, and I took it to heart. I changed me. I want him to WANT to be at his best, for me. And you know what? He's not at his best. And he knows it. And I think if he was being honest, he would see that he's not doing all he can do. He's making a lot of excuses because status quo is easier than trying hard.

You know why it's not an empty platitude, OP? Because all your harping on his flaws is having zero effect. Zero. So, if I were you, I'd try a different approach that involves you focusing your yourself and your own needs. The only person you can control is you. Sorry you don't like that truth, but it remains thus. I hope you find happiness within yourself.

Harping on his flaws? I'm harping HERE. On an anonymous board. It's not like I confront him with some litany of his perceived failures or something. Maybe I haven't been clear. He's not a failure. But try telling him that. Every little setback or perceived slight sends him into a freaking tizzy. It's all he can see these days. And it's taking it's toll.

So, either I change (code: accept this as the status quo until I die) or I am fucked? Wow. I think I'll just go stick my head in the oven.

Anonymous wrote:at first it was little things - if I bought tickets to a show, then it's we need to X, Y and Z shows - or let's go to NY to see the show and make a weekend out of it (difficult for me to on a regular basis due to heavy travel for work). I took many decisions (I'm an "alpha" - sometimes too cocky) but it wasn't the "right" decision - so after many years I stopped since it wasn't to her liking.

but then it grew worse after the kids. With two demanding careers (and my travel takes me abroad 2 weeks out of every 6), I took on more logistics with the kid so she could get back on her career path (her choice, which I supported) - it was exhausting and the world could see it except for her. But that only led to resentment because the weekends were not full of enough 'social' activities. It led to a breakdown in communication and eventually further downhill from there.

But after all is said and done, I am equally to blame and I made my fair share of mistakes and I was 50% responsible for her to stray (EA for sure, but not PA I think) before we divorced.

Oh dear. I'm sorry. OP here and you sound like you were a pretty damned good husband. I do not need more and more. Seriously, tickets to one show and dinner. Hell, drinks at a dive bar. I am easy peasy. I want us to spend more time together, as two individuals who once fell in love with each other, remembering why the hell that was. It doesn't have to be some rom com movie fantasy. I just want him to plan it. Because I want to feel like he gives a damn and is willing to put some thought into it. A 10 minute conversation about the relative merits of the 2pm matinee on Saturday versus the 8pm show on Friday? Just kill me. I don't care. Now, if he asked me about my calendar and then called me to say I've bought tickets to the 8pm on Friday, made reservations at X, and DC is going to Grandma's? I would be in heaven. Fuck NY. I just want one night where I don't have to make the GD decision and feel like a woman instead of a counselor. I mean, seriously, is that asking too much? And honestly, HOW do I tell him that this is what I need, without it sounding like a criticism?

A woman's success isn't emasculating. However, her lack of sexual desire triggered by her perception (whether actual or just imagined) of herself as more successful than you is emasculating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered that you might be emotionally unavailable? Many women would like a man willing to talk about his emotions and listen to his partner's. Do you ever express feelings of insecurity or sadness or regret to him? They're there, but you probably pretend to be perfect and flawless instead. When you point fingers at someone else, you should really be looking at yourself first. I learned this the hard way.

I'm plenty emotionally available. We've gone through a lot recently, and just this past weekend he was my shoulder to cry on about something. So see, he can be gallant and kind, and I love him for that. I just don't have to cry on his should about every single freaking thing.

And trust me, I am the last person that ANYONE would ever call perfect or flawless. And I know it.

If you're anything like me, you've tried everything to fill up the empty space where your true self-esteem should be. Not people patting you on the back, or having the best grades, or popularity, or the perfect boyfriend or husband. All I can say is, we can only work on ourselves and making ourselves the most genuine, loving version of our true selves. Once you stop looking elsewhere and trying to change others to suit our needs, life gets better. You can't change your husband. Accept him or move on.

This is an empty platitude that is not at all helpful. I know that I can't change him. But to simply say that we have to accept others 100% or move on - black or white, this or that - is bullshit IMO. Relationships are complex; they are not black and white. I've already said I don't want a divorce. I have a child. And I know that I would be hard pressed to do better as an overall package. I just want DH to be the best man that I know he can be. I am doing my best to be the best person I can be. Lord knows, DH has brought things to my attention that he felt needed improvement, and I took it to heart. I changed me. I want him to WANT to be at his best, for me. And you know what? He's not at his best. And he knows it. And I think if he was being honest, he would see that he's not doing all he can do. He's making a lot of excuses because status quo is easier than trying hard.

You know why it's not an empty platitude, OP? Because all your harping on his flaws is having zero effect. Zero. So, if I were you, I'd try a different approach that involves you focusing your yourself and your own needs. The only person you can control is you. Sorry you don't like that truth, but it remains thus. I hope you find happiness within yourself.