I've concluded that you're a condescending snob.

Anonymous wrote:

I have concluded the same thing that was obvious from your original post. You just don't get it. You may have money but you lack the social nuances of relating to other people in a way that is not annoying and off-putting. If people avoid you or don't respond, you chalk it up to envy, but I promise you it's your personality.

Agreed.

I have concluded the same thing that was obvious from your original post. You just don't get it. You may have money but you lack the social nuances of relating to other people in a way that is not annoying and off-putting. If people avoid you or don't respond, you chalk it up to envy, but I promise you it's your personality.

I am saying that a common talking point for many people is travel. Other topics include food, sports, children, etc. Does it make a big difference if you talk about these things in person, on the phone, by email, by blog, or through FB? If I email about travel, I don't think that makes me any different than other people who communicate about other subjects through other ways. This is just another example of how people enjoy attacking some of my points for no particular reason.

The real point is when I talk about subjects that hint at wealth, it seems to me that some people are envious. I fear I may lose their friendship. To this, someone pointed out that it's all my fault because I lack oral or written communication skills. I am not saying that everyone is envious, but I definitely think some people are. I also feel uncomfortable talking about these subjects, and some snarky replyers disagree and claim that I boast.

My spouse says that I am too quiet. I need to boast more to gain people's respect. I need to share my successful habits with others rather than just keep quiet.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I'm pleased to see that my post has generated some interesting conversation. The recent comments have been much more interesting and satisfying I think. Maybe Monday posters are better than Sunday posters.

Here is what I have learned from the 8 pages of responses:
1.) MOST people do like to discuss their wealth in DCUM. It is anonymous. This has generated 8 pages of posts in a short time. There are dozens of other threads where people state their incomes and expenses. People claim to hate boasting or discussing their wealth in person or on FB (like me - I avoid FB).
2.) People deny that their FB posts are about their wealth. I still disagree with the majority here, but some people at least partly agree that most posts hint at your wealth and your general happiness with your family and friends. One poster called FB "Facebrag" and that has stuck with me.
3.) People like attacking me (successful people). When I post EXAMPLES (some real, some hypothetical), people are quick to attack them.
4.) People admire the low key millionaire more than the extravagant one. I do too. This makes sense to me. I like the old money person who lives simply and focuses on education and charity. The few people who know about my wealth, think this is me. Most people think I am just middle class. My kids will likely be this way too. We don't spoil them and they are very grounded. In this thread, I have hinted at making a change to finally start enjoying my wealth a bit more (and that created some animosity). I am so happy and comfortable living simply, that I'm not sure how much added enjoyment I will get from luxurious living. It is an experiment for the next decade. We are big savers that started with nothing. We frown upon rich people that live paycheck to paycheck.
5) Most people claim that they don't envy the rich (which contradicts the FB study). But a few admit to being jealous. Of course, rich people have many problems too. Of course being happy, healthy and poor is better than being depressed, sick, and filthy rich.

About vacations, some people say they never talk about them. Is that because you and the people you know don't take them? Taking vacations and even living abroad is a VERY VERY big part of my lifestyle and almost ALL of my friends and family can relate. So I see and read about trips on FB 24/7. This hobby might be unique to me, but I'm sure many other readers can relate too. DC people travel a lot! BTW, talking about fancy hotels is just an example. I started out in hostals, and then hotels. The next decade will likely see me in 5 star type places. Once again, I'm happy with regular hotels, so I'm not sure how much added joy I will get from this type of upgrade.

So what have you concluded from this thread and from DCUM in general (regarding wealth, envy, and FB)?

PP who doesn't share travels here. I have a residence in Europe where I spend 6+ months every year. People here who know me know about it, but I don't talk about it unless they ask, eg. when I am back to the US etc. Same with my European friends - I tell them anecdotes but I don't share photos of my American residence or travels, unless they initiate it. I understand that there are people who are into travel more, but if, as you just said, your family and friends can all relate to how important travel is in your lives, then where is the problem? Does every single friend have need to respond to your vacation photos?

OP again. I'm pleased to see that my post has generated some interesting conversation. The recent comments have been much more interesting and satisfying I think. Maybe Monday posters are better than Sunday posters.

Here is what I have learned from the 8 pages of responses:
1.) MOST people do like to discuss their wealth in DCUM. It is anonymous. This has generated 8 pages of posts in a short time. There are dozens of other threads where people state their incomes and expenses. People claim to hate boasting or discussing their wealth in person or on FB (like me - I avoid FB).
2.) People deny that their FB posts are about their wealth. I still disagree with the majority here, but some people at least partly agree that most posts hint at your wealth and your general happiness with your family and friends. One poster called FB "Facebrag" and that has stuck with me.
3.) People like attacking me (successful people). When I post EXAMPLES (some real, some hypothetical), people are quick to attack them.
4.) People admire the low key millionaire more than the extravagant one. I do too. This makes sense to me. I like the old money person who lives simply and focuses on education and charity. The few people who know about my wealth, think this is me. Most people think I am just middle class. My kids will likely be this way too. We don't spoil them and they are very grounded. In this thread, I have hinted at making a change to finally start enjoying my wealth a bit more (and that created some animosity). I am so happy and comfortable living simply, that I'm not sure how much added enjoyment I will get from luxurious living. It is an experiment for the next decade. We are big savers that started with nothing. We frown upon rich people that live paycheck to paycheck.
5) Most people claim that they don't envy the rich (which contradicts the FB study). But a few admit to being jealous. Of course, rich people have many problems too. Of course being happy, healthy and poor is better than being depressed, sick, and filthy rich.

About vacations, some people say they never talk about them. Is that because you and the people you know don't take them? Taking vacations and even living abroad is a VERY VERY big part of my lifestyle and almost ALL of my friends and family can relate. So I see and read about trips on FB 24/7. This hobby might be unique to me, but I'm sure many other readers can relate too. DC people travel a lot! BTW, talking about fancy hotels is just an example. I started out in hostals, and then hotels. The next decade will likely see me in 5 star type places. Once again, I'm happy with regular hotels, so I'm not sure how much added joy I will get from this type of upgrade.

So what have you concluded from this thread and from DCUM in general (regarding wealth, envy, and FB)?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I understand what you are saying. I am new wealth and live VERY conservatively. That is why posting about wealth would be offensive to all my middle class family, friends, and colleagues. After years of regular living, we are in a position to enjoy our wealth a bit.

You have money, but many people will say that if you don't use it, you'd might as well not have it. Why not enjoy yourself more?

It is impossible NOT to post about wealth on FB. FB is all about vacations (I travel to exotic destinations frequently). FB is about food (fancy restaurants and meals and dinner parties). FB is about sharing that new handbag you purchased. Or a new car. Or that new stainless steel refrigerator. Even if you make donations or pursue advanced degrees, people know that you need money to do that. People can be envious that they don't have money to do the same.

My point is that most FB posts are about how you live, which is directly associated to your wealth.

Uh no it's not. The vacation thing I will give you but everything else, eh. Especially posting pics of material goods, ew. We have expensive cars and I go out of my way not to post pictures that include them. I might mention that we're going out to dinner (date night! girls' night!) but rarely where. I find photos of food to be especially boring. I mostly just post pics of my kids.

Same here. And if you use FB as a means of telling the world that you bought a new handbag, car and/or fridge, you're a loser.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I understand what you are saying. I am new wealth and live VERY conservatively. That is why posting about wealth would be offensive to all my middle class family, friends, and colleagues. After years of regular living, we are in a position to enjoy our wealth a bit.

You have money, but many people will say that if you don't use it, you'd might as well not have it. Why not enjoy yourself more?

It is impossible NOT to post about wealth on FB. FB is all about vacations (I travel to exotic destinations frequently). FB is about food (fancy restaurants and meals and dinner parties). FB is about sharing that new handbag you purchased. Or a new car. Or that new stainless steel refrigerator. Even if you make donations or pursue advanced degrees, people know that you need money to do that. People can be envious that they don't have money to do the same.

My point is that most FB posts are about how you live, which is directly associated to your wealth.

Uh no it's not. The vacation thing I will give you but everything else, eh. Especially posting pics of material goods, ew. We have expensive cars and I go out of my way not to post pictures that include them. I might mention that we're going out to dinner (date night! girls' night!) but rarely where. I find photos of food to be especially boring. I mostly just post pics of my kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love the first two responses.

"I'm a 1%er!"
"I come from old money!"

Classic DCUM.

OP, I just figure most are lying because no one with money actually talks about it. Sort of like how a doctor doubled the amount drinks you say you have to get to the truth-- I half what anyone says is the income, at a minimum.

+1!The truly rich don't want/need to advertise it. Quite the opposite.

I don't think most people on DCUM are lying. I don't talk about money to people I know except my DH either, but this is an anonymous forum. Why not tell the truth?

They are not lying about some things and are lying about others.

I can't believe this question generated 8 pages of responses in a day.

What the heck?

I guess people do love to talk about their income here - which never occurred to me before reading OP's original post.

Weird.

No, because there is more to life than money. Not to mention, usually I think people brag about this type of stuff when something else is lacking in their life. My uncle is wealthy (as in a millionaire), his wife looks impeccable,yet he's had so many affairs it's not even funny.

I'm more envious of those that I know are truly happy in life.

None of our friends would ever guess that we have a high income. We drive cars that are 10-15 years old (and look like crap) because we don't care about luxury cars, we wear clothes from Old Navy and Target, and I don't have any jewelry or wear designer anything (just not interested in brands or labels). We also like to vacation in very low key places (we love the beach, for instance and we don't go to Europe or expensive locales). However, we bought a 1 million dollar house as first time home buyers in our early 30s with no help from family (previously we rented tiny apartments for many years to save up a large down payment).

The only thing is that I worry a lot about how others would think of me if they saw our house. We don't invite anyone over to our house because I don't want anyone to see it and make negative comments.

OP - I understood what you meant. I think I end up on both sides of this, but not pathologically in either case.

My husband and I have a household income of about $150k, which by regular standards is a shit ton of money, but in D.C with student debt means that we'll probably never own a house.

In D.C. - and in life - I do sometimes feel envious of others' financial stability, what they have access to, etc. I have friends in NYC who are in a position where they just bought a $1.5 million house in Brooklyn, putting down 30%. The woman works full time in a great job, that lets her work from home; the man is a freelancer. They've got a gorgeous little kid and a great marriage. (That isn't just for show or a false front; I know them really well. They have a great marriage.) I do sometimes envy that they've got access to what appears to me to be a sort of perfect well-off bohemian existence.

But I have other friends who earn far, far less than what my husband and I do. And I realize, talking to them, what an ass I am when I start feeling sorry for myself re: money - I can afford things that these friends really, really can't. I may not be able to get a $1.5 million house in Brooklyn, but there are many things in life that we take for granted that are not enjoyed by a whole lot of others.

So it's all relative. And even in this stupidly expensive D.C. area where it is possible to feel strapped on $150k per year, I recognize in my finer, more Pollyanna moments how well-off we are. I try to, anyway. Cause I think if I don't recognize that then I really am a myopic ass. We are the 1% even if we don't feel that way on a day to day basis. So, yes, sometimes I feel envious. I long for more comfort. I long for more stability. I try to keep that in perspective.

Re: Facebook - I don't think anyone was suggesting that people are saying outright on Facebook things like "I just spent $2000 on a purse!" I think it's more that you can't help but indicate some amount of material comfort on Facebook even if that's not the aim. If I take photos of our dog inside our apartment, you'll see our apartment. You will see what sorts of things we have (or don't) in the apartment. That will tell you something about our place in the world. You will see where I went to grad school - it's an expensive place; you don't know I took out loans to pay for it, but you know that I have some capital (financial and social) from having gone there. Etc.

TL;DR: Seriously, most people on DCUM don't have any reaction other than contempt for others financial goings-ons?

I assume everyone on DCUM is lying about everything, so nothing on here bothers me.

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in an old money family, and no one ever discussed our wealth with people outside the family. My relatives do not wear expensive clothes, or drive fancy cars, or conduct themselves in an extravagant manner. Almost all of my siblings and cousins work professionally (some full-time/some part-time), and almost all have advanced degrees. In my family, money was spent on education, travel, and philanthropy (usually anonymous gifts). There is also a second home which the extended family uses as a retreat, so money is spent on the upkeep of that. But, in general, the family ethos is that investments are grown more than they are spent, and the money is handed down to the next generation and given to charity.

You would never know I come from wealth, or the extent of it. My kids attended public school, had cashier and restaurant jobs in high school, college and in summers, and we live in a modest area. My kids are grounded and centered in their values. That is the greatest "capital" that is passed from generation to generation in any family.

Posting on FB about wealth is bizaare to me.

Such a cool pov. I hope I get to meet you and your family one day!