Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the major problem is you guys shouldn't be living together. Once you're married he should be taking on the responsibility of a husband and father (yes, he'll be a father to your two kids aka step-father). That means he'll be paying at least half, if not all (if you decide to SAH, etc...). Find out if these are his intentions. Also, have him move to his parents until you are married. You're having typical problems from people shacking up versus putting a ring on it.

Not OP, but I hate the phrase "put a ring on it." I'm not an "it."

I also don't think the problem is shacking up. If she would've married this guy before living with him, he'd still be the loser that he is. the only difference would be that she wouldn't have realized he's a loser until after marrying him. And then getting a divorce would be another financial and legal mess for her.

Shacking up is fine so long as clear boundaries/arrangements are made. If, from the start, both parties are expected and agree to contribute half to all expenses, then it can work out fine and become an opportunity to see if the potential spouse lives up to his/her promises and if two people are compatible. If you discover you are not, then you break up. And as hard as that can be, it's easier than a divorce.

The problem isn't that she shacked up with this guy. It's that she never demanded he pull his weight. But now she has an opportunity to get out of the relationship before marrying him.

I beg to differ. You clearly are an "it" and a stupid one at that. If OP hadn't decided to shack up with a loser, she wouldn't be in this position to begin with. She let a man move in and use/abuse her by taking advantage and now she's up in arms. For one, this loser doesn't want any commitment to her children and she has him living in her house with him. Gross beyond words. The problem is shacking up. Had OP demanded her "fiance" demonstrate his worth as a prospective husband, ie. planning for their family post nuptials while they are living a part, she wouldn't be seeking advice on how to deal with his sorry ass now. So, again, you are an it, though you probably don't have a ring either- cubic zirconia from your loser live-in BF doesn't count. OP, DTMF and quick!

Not the PP you are responding to, but what in the world are you so angry about? Good lord, get a handle on yourself. If you think anyone takes your argument seriously while calling a person an 'it' you are sadly mistaken. It makes you small minded and dumb. Just so you know.

Anonymous wrote:Boy that was fast.

Shows you how long that marriage would have lasted.

Boy that was fast.

Sorry, OP, but there was essentially no likelihood that someone who'd been (1) able and (2) willing to use someone else for as long as he has and to the extent that he has would respond well to criticism of his having been (1) able and (2) willing to use someone else for as long as he has and to the extent that he has. If this is a real, and not imagined, situation, then it's not going to end with right behavior and a happy reunion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the major problem is you guys shouldn't be living together. Once you're married he should be taking on the responsibility of a husband and father (yes, he'll be a father to your two kids aka step-father). That means he'll be paying at least half, if not all (if you decide to SAH, etc...). Find out if these are his intentions. Also, have him move to his parents until you are married. You're having typical problems from people shacking up versus putting a ring on it.

Not OP, but I hate the phrase "put a ring on it." I'm not an "it."

I also don't think the problem is shacking up. If she would've married this guy before living with him, he'd still be the loser that he is. the only difference would be that she wouldn't have realized he's a loser until after marrying him. And then getting a divorce would be another financial and legal mess for her.

Shacking up is fine so long as clear boundaries/arrangements are made. If, from the start, both parties are expected and agree to contribute half to all expenses, then it can work out fine and become an opportunity to see if the potential spouse lives up to his/her promises and if two people are compatible. If you discover you are not, then you break up. And as hard as that can be, it's easier than a divorce.

The problem isn't that she shacked up with this guy. It's that she never demanded he pull his weight. But now she has an opportunity to get out of the relationship before marrying him.

I beg to differ. You clearly are an "it" and a stupid one at that. If OP hadn't decided to shack up with a loser, she wouldn't be in this position to begin with. She let a man move in and use/abuse her by taking advantage and now she's up in arms. For one, this loser doesn't want any commitment to her children and she has him living in her house with him. Gross beyond words. The problem is shacking up. Had OP demanded her "fiance" demonstrate his worth as a prospective husband, ie. planning for their family post nuptials while they are living a part, she wouldn't be seeking advice on how to deal with his sorry ass now. So, again, you are an it, though you probably don't have a ring either- cubic zirconia from your loser live-in BF doesn't count. OP, DTMF and quick!

"OP...Well, I showed him how everyone thinks and all the feed back I got today and told him that it is not fair and he should not be living here rent free and wanted him to chip in a fair percent. He said no and packed up a truck full of stuff and is coming back for the rest, said he feels used cause what do I even do to show him I love him anyway. "

Good for you, OP!

And good riddance to bad rubbish!

Sabrina55 wrote:He always has a way of twisting everything to some how be my fault.

Don't fall for it. He sees his free ride ending and he's going to be pissed. This isn't your fault, it's his for being such a selfish bastard.

He always has a way of twisting everything to some how be my fault.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since OP is still around, I will assume this is for real, but as a divorced mother of 2, I’m having trouble believing it.

I’m especially concerned that you are not reading and understanding what EVERY PP has said to you. This isn’t a close call. This is a situation where you are clinging to someone who has said, not beating around the bush, at all…that he’s not looking to be your partner in life and he’s not even interested in being a parental figure to your kids. I get that they have a father, and maybe you don’t need/want that extent of a relationship…but they will be part of his “family,” should you get married (which I concur is a horrific idea!!!!!!!!!). You can get laughs and some good sex from another guy. And maybe, just maybe, that guy will treat you properly, want to take care of you (even if you don’t let him or want that) and will want to love your kids and have your kids show love back. I would run for the hills from any guy who doesn’t view my kids as a wonderful asset to our lives. Putting the very strange financial arrangements aside, I’m concerned that you want to be with (and live with!) a man that doesn’t want to be a family with you. This is troubling. I cringe thinking about these financial discussions. That’s not your biggest problem though. This is not the right guy for you, on any level. Please consider talking to a neutral 3rd party who can help you to understand that this is not good for you.

I’m wondering, but scared to know the answer – how old are your kids and what do they think of the guy?

I am real and every single word of what I have posted has been true. I may be naive, I may want to believe that when someone tells me they love me they mean it, just because I always try to do right by everyone, does not mean that anyone else will also. I would never cause someone pain for my own benefit and wanted to believe that no one would do that to me, does not me. I have always tried to look for the good in people. Thank you to everyone that responded it has been a heartbreaking eye opener.

Oh, OP. He may mean it when he says he loves you. Narcissistic and selfish assholes can love too (so can serial killers, physical abusers, and molesters). But that doesn't mean it's not abusive, unhealthy or just plain wrong. I'm glad this is an eye opener for you - and trust me when I say that the heartbreak you're feeling now is nothing to the heartbreak you'll feel in the future if you stay with him. Good luck.

OP...Well, I showed him how everyone thinks and all the feed back I got today and told him that it is not fair and he should not be living here rent free and wanted him to chip in a fair percent. He said no and packed up a truck full of stuff and is coming back for the rest, said he feels used cause what do I even do to show him I love him anyway.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since OP is still around, I will assume this is for real, but as a divorced mother of 2, I’m having trouble believing it.

I’m especially concerned that you are not reading and understanding what EVERY PP has said to you. This isn’t a close call. This is a situation where you are clinging to someone who has said, not beating around the bush, at all…that he’s not looking to be your partner in life and he’s not even interested in being a parental figure to your kids. I get that they have a father, and maybe you don’t need/want that extent of a relationship…but they will be part of his “family,” should you get married (which I concur is a horrific idea!!!!!!!!!). You can get laughs and some good sex from another guy. And maybe, just maybe, that guy will treat you properly, want to take care of you (even if you don’t let him or want that) and will want to love your kids and have your kids show love back. I would run for the hills from any guy who doesn’t view my kids as a wonderful asset to our lives. Putting the very strange financial arrangements aside, I’m concerned that you want to be with (and live with!) a man that doesn’t want to be a family with you. This is troubling. I cringe thinking about these financial discussions. That’s not your biggest problem though. This is not the right guy for you, on any level. Please consider talking to a neutral 3rd party who can help you to understand that this is not good for you.

I’m wondering, but scared to know the answer – how old are your kids and what do they think of the guy?

I am real and every single word of what I have posted has been true. I may be naive, I may want to believe that when someone tells me they love me they mean it, just because I always try to do right by everyone, does not mean that anyone else will also. I would never cause someone pain for my own benefit and wanted to believe that no one would do that to me, does not me. I have always tried to look for the good in people. Thank you to everyone that responded it has been a heartbreaking eye opener.

Oh, OP. He may mean it when he says he loves you. Narcissistic and selfish assholes can love too (so can serial killers, physical abusers, and molesters). But that doesn't mean it's not abusive, unhealthy or just plain wrong. I'm glad this is an eye opener for you - and trust me when I say that the heartbreak you're feeling now is nothing to the heartbreak you'll feel in the future if you stay with him. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not ask him to pay 50/50? I assume if you're engaged and living together that you should feel comfortable to ask him and he should be willing to pay his share. If not, than take it as a red flag.

Sorta sounds like he's a mooch with bare minimal contributions and you sound like you're a doormat b/c you haven't said anything for 4 years and you feel "guilty" about asking him.

I have asked and he says that he is not there to support me and kids that are not his, and that he should not have to pay rent like a tenant, but doesn't want to split things like an engaged couple. Not sure if bills should be added up and divided by 4 or figure who uses how much and what. He says "why should he split electric for a pool pump that he doesn't use" etc. Just want to figure out what is fair and agreeable for everyone.

I am betting he will not go through with the marriage and you'll be one of those couples with a wedding date, but no set year. He has no benefit for marriage (why buy the cow when he's getting the milk for free?). If he's not willing to take the whole package (pool pump, kids, household expenses, etc.) now as you two, technically, are prepping for marriage as an engaged couple, than what makes you think he's going to push ahead for a lifelong commitment to all your expenses? Don't convince yourself that making each other laugh, your common interests, and great the sex outweigh the reality of bills, emotional support, and father-figure.
You have 8 pages of advice to end the relationship or at least live separately until the finances work themselves out.

Remember, the number one reason for divorce is money. Like it or not, it is already coming between you and him and you aren't even married yet.

I am probably going to upset a lot of people but here goes:

He has no obligation either legal or moral to take care of your children. For a start you are not married and even if you were, the financial support of your children is the responsibility of you and their biological father. If the father does not do so that is a problem you have to deal with. To the extent that he (your fiance) does support the kids, it is an act of generosity on his part.

He should pay more towards the upkeep of the house and related expenses than he is doing. I am not sure he should pay one half because you and your children also live there and he is not obligated to pick up the tab for your children.

If you do get married, he has every right to want a pre-nup as and you should have one too in order to protect your assets. The apportionment of ongoing financial obligations would be more shared - with him bearing a heavier share - after marriage just by virtue of the fact that you are married and he earns more than you do. Yes, he needs to accept the children as part of the family unit but he is not obligated to pay for their education, activities, clothes, etc. If he develops a close relationship with the kids, he will likely want to help them more - but that is his call.

He can do what he wishes with the property and assets that he acquired before marriage including leaving it to his niece. You will have a legal right to a portion of assets acquired after marriage in the event of his death. It may mean fighting it in court.

The one thing I do agree with PPs' is that this is not a union made in heaven and the odds are that it will fail given the nature of your relationship and his personality. I also agree with PPs' that in the interests of your own self-esteem you should not allow him to walk all over you. It is not good for you or your children.

Anonymous wrote:Since OP is still around, I will assume this is for real, but as a divorced mother of 2, I’m having trouble believing it.

I’m especially concerned that you are not reading and understanding what EVERY PP has said to you. This isn’t a close call. This is a situation where you are clinging to someone who has said, not beating around the bush, at all…that he’s not looking to be your partner in life and he’s not even interested in being a parental figure to your kids. I get that they have a father, and maybe you don’t need/want that extent of a relationship…but they will be part of his “family,” should you get married (which I concur is a horrific idea!!!!!!!!!). You can get laughs and some good sex from another guy. And maybe, just maybe, that guy will treat you properly, want to take care of you (even if you don’t let him or want that) and will want to love your kids and have your kids show love back. I would run for the hills from any guy who doesn’t view my kids as a wonderful asset to our lives. Putting the very strange financial arrangements aside, I’m concerned that you want to be with (and live with!) a man that doesn’t want to be a family with you. This is troubling. I cringe thinking about these financial discussions. That’s not your biggest problem though. This is not the right guy for you, on any level. Please consider talking to a neutral 3rd party who can help you to understand that this is not good for you.

I’m wondering, but scared to know the answer – how old are your kids and what do they think of the guy?

I am real and every single word of what I have posted has been true. I may be naive, I may want to believe that when someone tells me they love me they mean it, just because I always try to do right by everyone, does not mean that anyone else will also. I would never cause someone pain for my own benefit and wanted to believe that no one would do that to me, does not me. I have always tried to look for the good in people. Thank you to everyone that responded it has been a heartbreaking eye opener.

PP here - also, he sounds pretty terrible. And cheap. You can do better, and should.

I didn't read through the 7 pages of the thread, so someone might have said this already.

I think he should pay for 1/3 of the household expenses, including groceries and utilities, because I assume your kids eat less than a grownup. At minimum, he should be paying for at least 1/4 of everything as one of 4 people in the household. (I own a house with 4BR and charged my renter about 1/4th of the total mortgage + utilities, though it was just her, me and my young child in the house.)