Anonymous wrote:Nothing sends me running faster than "I was expecting you to call" about XYZ personal achievement. What's the point of maintaining a relationship with some one who thinks about it in terms of what you owe them?

Thank you for being the first rational post on this subject. I can see both sides of this. The sister could email congrats so not to have to sob through a phone call, but OP should not view a relationship in terms of what is owed to her by someone suffering a great deal.

So I feel some sympathy for OP. When I was pregnant with my 1st, my SIL had just miscarried after 10 weeks. She already had 2 wonderful boys. She would not come to my shower and no one in the family could talk about me being pregnant. I didn't say that anything bothered me and to her face said I was sympathetic and understood that she couldn't be around me. But it did hurt my feelings that she couldn't let me have this moment. But long over it now and she did end up having more kids.

Anonymous wrote:They are not going to ignore your baby, they just need space and time. I didn't want to hear all the pregnancy details. (I had a miscarriage 6 months before). Didnt go to hospital or shower for my sister and she understood. (I sent gifts and flowers etc). She had plenty of other people around.). For me it was easier when my niece was a little older and a person and I could interact with her. I was always a great aunt and 10 years later when I got pregnant I knew to be sensitive of others (some of my close work friends were going through infertility at the time).

What you did was not cool.

Likely if the SIL liked you and you had a decent relationship she would have sucked it up enough to send some kind of written response or made a comment at some point.

That fact you heard nothing but crickets means she doesn't feel any social pressure or sense of responsibility to even be polite. No need for her to put her energy into doing the right thing and saying something to you. Why waste that energy on you.

How people respond is usually pretty indicative of their underlying feelings about the relationship.

I don't think anyone needs to "get a grip." OP sounds a bit self involved.

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't expect so much from your SIL. Unfortunately she is not capable. I do also want to say that infertility is not an excuse to be rude and your SIL was probably a rude person before infertility struck. I write this as an IVF patient who suffered greatly but chose to buck up and be gracious to expecting friends and family. It was not always easy but I am so proud of the way I conducted myself. I understand not everyone can do that and I agree OP is best served to drop the matter but I think SIL needs to get a bit of a grip too.

I agree with this.

They are not going to ignore your baby, they just need space and time. I didn't want to hear all the pregnancy details. (I had a miscarriage 6 months before). Didnt go to hospital or shower for my sister and she understood. (I sent gifts and flowers etc). She had plenty of other people around.). For me it was easier when my niece was a little older and a person and I could interact with her. I was always a great aunt and 10 years later when I got pregnant I knew to be sensitive of others (some of my close work friends were going through infertility at the time).

Wow, just wow. Do you have any idea of the kind of pain they are in? Let me put it this way : we had a baby die at birth, and it was horrendous. But the three years of infertility we went through previously we're even more painful. Does that help put it in perspective? God help you when you face a life crisis of your own. I imagine your SIL will be there for you.

Guess what OP? I did suffer from infertility and finally got pregnant through IVF. When I was going through treatments I often rolled my eyes at those woe-laden posts about how infertiles would burst into tears if a pregnant woman sat next to them on the metro or how they skipped Christmas because of a new niece/nephew or how they skipped their best friend's baby shower or how they unfriended people with baby pictures on Facebook. For whatever reason I had the opposite reaction to infertility. I smiled at every pregnant woman I saw, I held every baby I could, I begged friends to tell me all about their pregnancies and babies. I just wanted to soak up all those positive baby vibes.

BUT- I never thought people who experience extreme depression or jealousy were wrong or selfish. Yes it is hard for me to understand why they feel that way, but their feelings are still real to them and I respect their right to feel that way and try to be thoughtful with my actions and comments.

Also have you considered that maybe your parents are talking about your pregnancy a lot and Bro and SIL and just sick of hearing about it?

Yes her behavior makes no sense to you. Lots of things in life don't make sense. You need to move on. If you are really concerned, I suggest you have an email conversation with your brother along the following lines- "hey bro- I sense that my pregnancy has been an awkward time for you and SIL. The last thing I want to do is cause you pain. Can we talk about how you want me to handle the birth announcement and bringing the baby to family events?" Do it over email so they have time to process and think. Think of how unfair it would be for them to miss out on a lot of holidays and family events because suddenly the world revolves around your baby.

It sounds like you have trouble putting yourself in other people's shoes and being thoughtful, so getting some explicit instructions on compromises that will make things easier for B and SIL is probably needed. Make sure the grandparents are aware too so they don't try to put the baby in SIL's arms or whatever you agreed not to do.

I suppose I'm the only one in the bunch that sees both sides. I can understand why the OP would want to hear congrats from the SIL. (Although, I think there's more to the story, perhaps these two stay in competition with one another and play the one up game) Infertility aside the SIL should at least say "congratulations."
But I also can understand how the SIL may need some time, (although 3 months have already passed) it may be hard for the SIL but it's the right thing to do. The SIL needs to muster up the strength to say Congrats and the OP needs to be ultra sensitive to the SIL and bro and try very hard not to speak too much about the pregnancy around then.
Lastly, the OP should find something else to focus on like what size fruit her baby looks like this month or what color she should paint the nursery.
As a person who doesn't care much for my own SIL, I understand that she can do no right in my eyes. Like Ever. This is probably the case here...so OP, although the SIL should at least say congrats, I wouldn't wait for it. Be the bigger person, exercise a bit of empathy and let this one slide. In the end she will feel foolish that she didn't say anything even in spite of her own grief.

Wow, this is one of the most hostile threads I have ever read! Unbelievable. I am in a similar situation with my SIL, which is how I found this thread to begin with. My sister in law (my husband's sister) has been struggling with infertility for over three years. She is known to be very sensitive about it, so I make a point to NEVER discuss it. My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, and we are expecting our first child in April.

When we found out we were pregnant, we told my husband's parents very early, and they insisted that we tell my SIL and BIL as soon as possible. My SIL was nice when we called but very surprised, and implied that we were out of line for telling so early because I could miscarry. I thought that was a weird thing to say when we were sharing the happy news, but I took it with a grain of salt.

Anyway, after that, I never shared much news with her about the baby unless she asked. When she learned that we had sonogram pictures, she said she wished I sent them to her. So when we went to our anatomy scan, I sent the sonogram pictures to her. I later learned that they were going through IVF at that time, so I hope receiving the pictures didn't upset her.

It's hard knowing how much to say, but I just do my best to follow her lead. I have been blessed with a pretty easy pregnancy (so far!) so I am positive and upbeat about it in general, and don't discuss it unless people ask. I don't expect her to be over the moon about it given her situation so I try to limit the baby talk accordingly.

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Anonymous wrote:OP, sorry to see you get e-jumped. This topic can really bring out the crazy in some people. If your SIL is like some of the posters in this thread, it's probably best you don't hear from her anytime soon.

+1

+2. If the situation was something like OP getting engaged and her single sister had avoided her for 3 months since hearing the news, I suspect the reactions on this thread would be very different.

You're comparing someone being single to someone going through infertility??? Are you crazy? Infertility is a medical condition that takes a huge emotional toll. Last time i checked, being single wasn't a medical problem. You bet the reactions would be different.

Infertility is an elective medical problem, like a big nose. It might be interfering with your life plans but you can certainly life with it. You absolutely dont need to go to doctor for it, unless you really want to. It is actually quite similar to remaining single or having other importsnt life plans thwarted.

People CHOOSE to remain single, they do not CHOOSE to become infertile any more than they CHOOSE to get cancer. Some things are totally outside of your control, other things can only be controlled by you.

Many people do not choose to be single, Thanks for revealing how clueless and self-absorbed you are.

Um not exactly.

No one chooses infertility (not to be confused with elective sterilization which is a choice). Many people do not WANT to be single but very few of those CAN NOT ever find a mate, they just haven't the right person YET. Furthermore, lots of people are actually happy being single and not all couple want kids. Infertility implies the desire to produce children but the INABILITY to do so. Some things you can change, some things you can not.

Well infertile couples can also foster special needs children, use donor eggs etc. Just like those involuntarily single can marry someone they don't like. In both situations one can, in most cases, find a substitute for the original dream.

Well that is one very distorted way of looking at things I suppose. Wow.

No more than saying that everyone who wants can get married because a woman can always find a smelly geezer or a jailed drunk who will marry her for her money.

You are comparing adopted children and children conceived through fertility treatments to a single woman marrying drunks, geezers and jailbirds 'cause that's all she can get? That's offensive on so many levels and to so many people (infertile couples, single women, children, and really anyone reading this) that I'm not even going to attempt to touch that.

I couldn't care less what offends your or what you are going to touch. However saying that adopting children is much better than marrying undesirable men actually proves that being single is worse an being infertile since availble substitutes are less desirable. So you appear to be pretty dumb.

Yep I'm the duh-mb one. You can do your superior dance now.

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Anonymous wrote:OP, sorry to see you get e-jumped. This topic can really bring out the crazy in some people. If your SIL is like some of the posters in this thread, it's probably best you don't hear from her anytime soon.

+1

+2. If the situation was something like OP getting engaged and her single sister had avoided her for 3 months since hearing the news, I suspect the reactions on this thread would be very different.

You're comparing someone being single to someone going through infertility??? Are you crazy? Infertility is a medical condition that takes a huge emotional toll. Last time i checked, being single wasn't a medical problem. You bet the reactions would be different.

Infertility is an elective medical problem, like a big nose. It might be interfering with your life plans but you can certainly life with it. You absolutely dont need to go to doctor for it, unless you really want to. It is actually quite similar to remaining single or having other importsnt life plans thwarted.

People CHOOSE to remain single, they do not CHOOSE to become infertile any more than they CHOOSE to get cancer. Some things are totally outside of your control, other things can only be controlled by you.

Many people do not choose to be single, Thanks for revealing how clueless and self-absorbed you are.

Um not exactly.

No one chooses infertility (not to be confused with elective sterilization which is a choice). Many people do not WANT to be single but very few of those CAN NOT ever find a mate, they just haven't the right person YET. Furthermore, lots of people are actually happy being single and not all couple want kids. Infertility implies the desire to produce children but the INABILITY to do so. Some things you can change, some things you can not.

Well infertile couples can also foster special needs children, use donor eggs etc. Just like those involuntarily single can marry someone they don't like. In both situations one can, in most cases, find a substitute for the original dream.

Well that is one very distorted way of looking at things I suppose. Wow.

No more than saying that everyone who wants can get married because a woman can always find a smelly geezer or a jailed drunk who will marry her for her money.

You are comparing adopted children and children conceived through fertility treatments to a single woman marrying drunks, geezers and jailbirds 'cause that's all she can get? That's offensive on so many levels and to so many people (infertile couples, single women, children, and really anyone reading this) that I'm not even going to attempt to touch that.

I couldn't care less what offends your or what you are going to touch. However saying that adopting children is much better than marrying undesirable men actually proves that being single is worse an being infertile since availble substitutes are less desirable. So you appear to be pretty dumb.

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Anonymous wrote:OP, sorry to see you get e-jumped. This topic can really bring out the crazy in some people. If your SIL is like some of the posters in this thread, it's probably best you don't hear from her anytime soon.

+1

+2. If the situation was something like OP getting engaged and her single sister had avoided her for 3 months since hearing the news, I suspect the reactions on this thread would be very different.

You're comparing someone being single to someone going through infertility??? Are you crazy? Infertility is a medical condition that takes a huge emotional toll. Last time i checked, being single wasn't a medical problem. You bet the reactions would be different.

Infertility is an elective medical problem, like a big nose. It might be interfering with your life plans but you can certainly life with it. You absolutely dont need to go to doctor for it, unless you really want to. It is actually quite similar to remaining single or having other importsnt life plans thwarted.

People CHOOSE to remain single, they do not CHOOSE to become infertile any more than they CHOOSE to get cancer. Some things are totally outside of your control, other things can only be controlled by you.

Many people do not choose to be single, Thanks for revealing how clueless and self-absorbed you are.

Um not exactly.

No one chooses infertility (not to be confused with elective sterilization which is a choice). Many people do not WANT to be single but very few of those CAN NOT ever find a mate, they just haven't the right person YET. Furthermore, lots of people are actually happy being single and not all couple want kids. Infertility implies the desire to produce children but the INABILITY to do so. Some things you can change, some things you can not.

Well infertile couples can also foster special needs children, use donor eggs etc. Just like those involuntarily single can marry someone they don't like. In both situations one can, in most cases, find a substitute for the original dream.

Well that is one very distorted way of looking at things I suppose. Wow.

No more than saying that everyone who wants can get married because a woman can always find a smelly geezer or a jailed drunk who will marry her for her money.

You are comparing adopted children and children conceived through fertility treatments to a single woman marrying drunks, geezers and jailbirds 'cause that's all she can get? That's offensive on so many levels and to so many people (infertile couples, single women, children, and really anyone reading this) that I'm not even going to attempt to touch that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sorry to see you get e-jumped. This topic can really bring out the crazy in some people. If your SIL is like some of the posters in this thread, it's probably best you don't hear from her anytime soon.

+1

+2. If the situation was something like OP getting engaged and her single sister had avoided her for 3 months since hearing the news, I suspect the reactions on this thread would be very different.

You're comparing someone being single to someone going through infertility??? Are you crazy? Infertility is a medical condition that takes a huge emotional toll. Last time i checked, being single wasn't a medical problem. You bet the reactions would be different.

Infertility is an elective medical problem, like a big nose. It might be interfering with your life plans but you can certainly life with it. You absolutely dont need to go to doctor for it, unless you really want to. It is actually quite similar to remaining single or having other importsnt life plans thwarted.

People CHOOSE to remain single, they do not CHOOSE to become infertile any more than they CHOOSE to get cancer. Some things are totally outside of your control, other things can only be controlled by you.

Many people do not choose to be single, Thanks for revealing how clueless and self-absorbed you are.

Um not exactly.

No one chooses infertility (not to be confused with elective sterilization which is a choice). Many people do not WANT to be single but very few of those CAN NOT ever find a mate, they just haven't the right person YET. Furthermore, lots of people are actually happy being single and not all couple want kids. Infertility implies the desire to produce children but the INABILITY to do so. Some things you can change, some things you can not.

Well infertile couples can also foster special needs children, use donor eggs etc. Just like those involuntarily single can marry someone they don't like. In both situations one can, in most cases, find a substitute for the original dream.

Well that is one very distorted way of looking at things I suppose. Wow.

No more than saying that everyone who wants can get married because a woman can always find a smelly geezer or a jailed drunk who will marry her for her money.