Anonymous wrote:Maybe you can skip the service and just attend the afterpary? The family did not invite all of you, just your kid, so maybe that is appropriate.
And since you are only attending half the event, give half the amount.

If you feel guilty about not being able to give enough and feel your family will be judged, then don't go.

The boy is 13, he is not getting married, just following the rites and rituals of his peers.

This is bad advice. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, it is bad form to skip the service for the party. Don't worry about the present. Give what you think is an acceptable amount. It really is the thought that counts, some posters statements not withstanding.

Maybe you can skip the service and just attend the afterpary? The family did not invite all of you, just your kid, so maybe that is appropriate.
And since you are only attending half the event, give half the amount.

If you feel guilty about not being able to give enough and feel your family will be judged, then don't go.

The boy is 13, he is not getting married, just following the rites and rituals of his peers.

Maybe they should examine the card at the door and make sure the gift is suitable? All the kids who don't measure up can do the walk of shame.....

Embarrassment to all Jews.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

$18 is cheap. This is not a regular party. This is a huge, huge deal, that the child spent MONTHS preparing for, that the parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars on (even for a less expensive bar mitzvah). $18 is an insult and not just fine at all.

This is a pretty obnoxious position to take. Yes, this is huge event in the boy's life BUT it is being shared with a very large crowd of people not just the boy's closest friends and family.

Expecting a larger amount of money in return is the same as charging an admissions fee.

Then you should turn down the invitation if you felt this way. This is an important rite-of-passage. It's not like a birthday party. A lot of family time and prep goes into it.

Pp,-You are very misguided. I sincerely hope it is only you posting these horrible posts with misplaced values. I find it hard to believe that a family would not want a family member or friend to attend their child's bar or bat mitzvah if a guest doesn't give the"right"amount of money for a gift. That is ludicrous. Are you from New York. The only people I know who espouse this garbage are from New York. I feel sorry for your children that they are receiving such a negative and inappropriate message about Jewish life and values from their own mother. Your posts make me sick. You, quite frankly are an embarrassment to ask Jews.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:21:44 Such contributions are common in some AA communities, as at least one other poster mentioned. I live in a diverse building, and on four separate occasions there's been a collection. We sign a card and give what we can. (No rules! No expectations!)

Separately, I cannot believe some of the posts in this thread. They reinforce some unfortunate stereotypes.

I sadly agree. They do.

Yes, it's just sickening to know this still goes on.

OP, the 4 pm invite probably means the service will be much shorter and will most likely start on time so don't be late. Sounds like the party is in another place so either you can ferry your child (you can stay for the service or just pick up after) or you can arrange with another parent for your child to be driven over. The party will have its own time line 6-10 or whatever. The invite usually has the dress preferred on it (casual, sports, smart casual, cocktail, etc.). Your child in a button down, khakis and blue blazer will look like every other boy there. The blazer goes pretty quickly at the party and shirts get untucked once the dancing starts.

I'm not Jewish and had never been to a bar/bat mitzvah party and neither had DC but it's proven to be a very nice experience. Each one has been a little bit different (the religious service and party). Some were pretty "high-end" but others were held in a community center. Some synagogues were very formal and fancy but others were more relaxed, depending on the type of congregation. Sometimes the service was in the late afternoon and was really just for the bar/bat mitzvah-- other times it was part of the Saturday a.m. service. Several times the whole a.m. service was for the bar/bat mitzvah ceremony. For gifts, DC has brought cash or gift cards in a card (something around the $40 to $50 range). Tell your son that there should be a table right when he goes in for gifts and cards. If your son was invited specifically on the invitation then the family is expecting you to drop him off. He can just sit with the other kids. Tell him it will be like a wedding or any other religious service and to stand/sit when everyone else does.

Tell him to have a great time at the party, DC has loved it every time.

On the $ for funerals question, yes, this is somewhat common here but not AT the funeral. A number of times at DC's school, funds were collected to either send the deceased back home (to another country) or to help with burial costs here. These were Christian funerals and burial customs, both for African American and Latino families who needed some assistance with these costs. Usually the deaths were very much unexpected, and of a younger person, so in particular the families were not prepared to fund funeral costs. You could give or not give, no problem, like any other charity.

Wow. The internet never fails to amaze me. Just for kicks I Googled "bar mitzvah money" and came up with a "bar mitzvah cash gift calculator" and several pages of commentary. Here's just one of the "calculators". http://blog.simchabucks.com/money-spend-bar-bat-mitzvah-gift/

Anonymous wrote:I've given $75 each time (didn't know about the multiples thing), except for twice when I gave a couple hundred dollars for the child of a good friend.

I do this if my child is attending and I don't know the parents. That's a good amount. For family and "best friend" parents, I give a lot more.

Anonymous wrote:

$18 is cheap. This is not a regular party. This is a huge, huge deal, that the child spent MONTHS preparing for, that the parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars on (even for a less expensive bar mitzvah). $18 is an insult and not just fine at all.

This is a pretty obnoxious position to take. Yes, this is huge event in the boy's life BUT it is being shared with a very large crowd of people not just the boy's closest friends and family.

Expecting a larger amount of money in return is the same as charging an admissions fee.

Then you should turn down the invitation if you felt this way. This is an important rite-of-passage. It's not like a birthday party. A lot of family time and prep goes into it.

$18 is cheap. This is not a regular party. This is a huge, huge deal, that the child spent MONTHS preparing for, that the parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars on (even for a less expensive bar mitzvah). $18 is an insult and not just fine at all.

This is a pretty obnoxious position to take. Yes, this is huge event in the boy's life BUT it is being shared with a very large crowd of people not just the boy's closest friends and family.

Expecting a larger amount of money in return is the same as charging an admissions fee.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the take-away here is that guests should more or less "pay" to attend elaborate events?

The world is shit, pure shit

Absolutely true if you are an Italian New Jersey family and paying for a wedding. Mama writes down how much cash each family gives so they can reciprocate when the next wedding rolls around. I had the sad task of telling a New Jersey friend who was counting on a money bag to pay for wedding costs that things like that don't happen in D.C. Don't you remember the wedding scene in GoodFellas? She was carrying a money bag. Or something cash is pinned to her dress or veil.

Right, every Italian family in New Jersey lives just like the movie GoodFellas. Similarly, every Jewish family in New Jersey lives just like the movie Goodbye Columbus.

I am right. Educate yourself about italian weddings. Read about the "money bag" in this link, then if you want to know more Google "Italian Wedding Money". http://www.worldweddingtraditions.com/locations/west_europe_traditions/italian_traditions.html. My Italian American friend just assumed people here in D.C. would bring enough cash with them to cover the costs of their dinner and drinks. I had to tell her that wasn't going to happen her. She returned to New Jersey and scaled her wedding way back when she realized not everyone was going to pay enough to recoup their dinner costs.

I've given $75 each time (didn't know about the multiples thing), except for twice when I gave a couple hundred dollars for the child of a good friend.

Anonymous wrote:

Shabbat morning services have 3 parts but they all flow together. There is morning service, the Torah service, and afternoon service. The most important part for the bar mitzvah is the torah service. This is the first time that the young man will be allowed to read from the torah. The torah is in hebrew but without any vowels. It is chanted in what is called trope. Learning trope takes months. You just have to learn the inflections, the pauses, the ups and the downs of the chat. Since there are not hints in the torah scroll, you really can't "read" it. Then the bar mitzvah will present his d'var torah. This is his interpretation of what is important about the passage he has just chanted. And then it's over. The reason it's such a big deal is that now the bar/bat mitzvah is considered an adult in the community and they now have the right (and hopefully the ability) to lead the congregation in prayer on shabbat and they count in a minyan--a quorum for prayer.

About going to the bathroom--the congregation will stand when the arc is open. The arc is where the torah is kept. When the congregation stands as a sign of respect for the torah, it is not time to turn your back and exit for the bathroom. Bathroom breaks occur when every one is sitting down but not during the rabbi's sermon either. From start to finish is about 3-3.5 hrs. But the morning service is about 30 min so if you show up for the torah service, that's fine and you are not considered late.