Anonymous wrote:I had an affair when I was in my early 20s. He was 36, father of 3. We were both in a very low place in our lives. His support got me through w/o quitting my job. He and I both travelled for work Mon-Thurs. He got out of his funk and found a no travel job so he could be 100% with his family. They are still together and very happy now, as am I. It was wrong. I was immature and selfish and it made me feel needed and wanted. I am lucky it worked out ok. I used to think it was ok b/c I helped him get through a tough period in his life - but now that I am married I realize they should have worked through it together.

Thanks for sharing this. Honestly I have more sympathy for young single women who get into these affairs. It's not right like you said but I think there is less life experience and knowledge to pull from. The woman my husband had an affair with was in her late 30s, married with two kids. To pursue the affair she moved out on her kids and got an apartment. She truly thought she and my husband were going to be together.

To be clear I don't blame her for my husband's affair, that was all him. But I did have trouble relating to WTF was going on in her mind. She is educated, successful career, a married mom....and just felt she was acting like a 15 year old. The entire thing was very painful for both of them, I mean, affairs are not very glamorous, they treated each other like shit basically and with very little respect. DH and I reconciled and moved forward with our marriage and after a lot of therapy and a lot of growing pains, we have a much better, stronger marriage. He describes the affair like you did, as a low point (uses the term dark period) in his life where he was reverting back to adolescence and lashing out. I never spoke with her after the affair (I knew her, she was colleague of my husband's, and I had met her maybe twice, and one time met her husband and kids) so I have no idea what she has to say about it. The last time she spoke with DH, he says it was a few months after the physical part of the affair had ended and they both basically told each other they had a made a major mistake and agreed never to speak again.

Anyway, my only point was to say thank for sharing your experience as the OW and like I said, at least you could chalk it up as a mistake you made as a young woman.

I had an affair when I was in my early 20s. He was 36, father of 3. We were both in a very low place in our lives. His support got me through w/o quitting my job. He and I both travelled for work Mon-Thurs. He got out of his funk and found a no travel job so he could be 100% with his family. They are still together and very happy now, as am I. It was wrong. I was immature and selfish and it made me feel needed and wanted. I am lucky it worked out ok. I used to think it was ok b/c I helped him get through a tough period in his life - but now that I am married I realize they should have worked through it together.

Anonymous wrote:Single men also have affairs with married women. What kind of men are they?

Men who are just looking for some action with no strings attached. Clearly, if she is already married, he can have sex with her and not have to "date" her. It's a FWB type of relationship.

Single men also have affairs with married women. What kind of men are they?

In my experience it tends to be unhappily married women. Most single women don't want to waste their time with married men.

Sometimes you can end up being the other women and not know it. You can ask a man if he is married or in a relationship and he will tell you no, as for myself as soon as I found out he was married I shut things down and told him that I deserved more than to be the other women. its all about respecting yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: - at first the OW is treated pretty well but affairs tend to follow the same pattern and it gets ugly.

What is the pattern? Does it follow the same pattern even if the dh and OW tell each other "I love you".

Dh had mentioned to a friend that this was an escape earlier in the affair but since then they have exchanged "I love you". I'd love to witness the fighting and gloat!!

I said I love you in my affair too. I thought I meant it at the time, turns out it didn't mean shit. You never said I love you to an ex and then ended up breaking up? Just because you say love doesn't mean it won't run it's course.

OP here. Thanks, PP. I hadn't thought of that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: - at first the OW is treated pretty well but affairs tend to follow the same pattern and it gets ugly.

The thing is, the man is manipulating and lying to his wife in order to get away with it, and it's silly to think he is not manipulating and lying to the OW. He was, big time. My husband said that in hindsight, the whole thing felt like pretend. The relationship was not really grounded in reality and it required a lot of reinventing reality.

A great book on this is called "Being the Other Woman" and its by a journalist who was an OW and interviewed dozens of OWs for her book. There are definite similiarities in that all OWs did have some sort of trauma. In my OW's case, her first husband cheated on her and left her.

What is the pattern? Does it follow the same pattern even if the dh and OW tell each other "I love you".

In my case, the OW's husband did leave her after almost 2 decades of marriage. She married young (before graduating college) and had married divorced man twice her age.

Yeah, the pattern is that an affair is an escape from reality. If you read the posts above most are saying they just want an escape in some form or another. The problem is reality usually intervenes at some point. Often, the affair starts out as "safe" in terms of no strings attached, but someone usually the woman wants more over time or people demand more of their needs are met so they start fighting etc. and getting more demanding.

Dh had mentioned to a friend that this was an escape earlier in the affair but since then they have exchanged "I love you". I'd love to witness the fighting and gloat!!

I said I love you in my affair too. I thought I meant it at the time, turns out it didn't mean shit. You never said I love you to an ex and then ended up breaking up? Just because you say love doesn't mean it won't run it's course.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: - at first the OW is treated pretty well but affairs tend to follow the same pattern and it gets ugly.

The thing is, the man is manipulating and lying to his wife in order to get away with it, and it's silly to think he is not manipulating and lying to the OW. He was, big time. My husband said that in hindsight, the whole thing felt like pretend. The relationship was not really grounded in reality and it required a lot of reinventing reality.

A great book on this is called "Being the Other Woman" and its by a journalist who was an OW and interviewed dozens of OWs for her book. There are definite similiarities in that all OWs did have some sort of trauma. In my OW's case, her first husband cheated on her and left her.

What is the pattern? Does it follow the same pattern even if the dh and OW tell each other "I love you".

In my case, the OW's husband did leave her after almost 2 decades of marriage. She married young (before graduating college) and had married divorced man twice her age.

Yeah, the pattern is that an affair is an escape from reality. If you read the posts above most are saying they just want an escape in some form or another. The problem is reality usually intervenes at some point. Often, the affair starts out as "safe" in terms of no strings attached, but someone usually the woman wants more over time or people demand more of their needs are met so they start fighting etc. and getting more demanding.

Dh had mentioned to a friend that this was an escape earlier in the affair but since then they have exchanged "I love you". I'd love to witness the fighting and gloat!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: - at first the OW is treated pretty well but affairs tend to follow the same pattern and it gets ugly.

The thing is, the man is manipulating and lying to his wife in order to get away with it, and it's silly to think he is not manipulating and lying to the OW. He was, big time. My husband said that in hindsight, the whole thing felt like pretend. The relationship was not really grounded in reality and it required a lot of reinventing reality.

A great book on this is called "Being the Other Woman" and its by a journalist who was an OW and interviewed dozens of OWs for her book. There are definite similiarities in that all OWs did have some sort of trauma. In my OW's case, her first husband cheated on her and left her.

What is the pattern? Does it follow the same pattern even if the dh and OW tell each other "I love you".

In my case, the OW's husband did leave her after almost 2 decades of marriage. She married young (before graduating college) and had married divorced man twice her age.

Yeah, the pattern is that an affair is an escape from reality. If you read the posts above most are saying they just want an escape in some form or another. The problem is reality usually intervenes at some point. Often, the affair starts out as "safe" in terms of no strings attached, but someone usually the woman wants more over time or people demand more of their needs are met so they start fighting etc. and getting more demanding.

Anonymous wrote:In my case TOW came from a boken home. Not sure if her dad cheated on her mom (although it would not surprise me). And the other two women I have known to be TOW also came from broken homes. You would think that growing without a dad would give these women pause to break a family, but alas, no morals.

OP here. OW's father died when she was 5 years old so she grew up without a father.

In my case TOW came from a boken home. Not sure if her dad cheated on her mom (although it would not surprise me). And the other two women I have known to be TOW also came from broken homes. You would think that growing without a dad would give these women pause to break a family, but alas, no morals.

Anonymous wrote: - at first the OW is treated pretty well but affairs tend to follow the same pattern and it gets ugly.

The thing is, the man is manipulating and lying to his wife in order to get away with it, and it's silly to think he is not manipulating and lying to the OW. He was, big time. My husband said that in hindsight, the whole thing felt like pretend. The relationship was not really grounded in reality and it required a lot of reinventing reality.

A great book on this is called "Being the Other Woman" and its by a journalist who was an OW and interviewed dozens of OWs for her book. There are definite similiarities in that all OWs did have some sort of trauma. In my OW's case, her first husband cheated on her and left her.

What is the pattern? Does it follow the same pattern even if the dh and OW tell each other "I love you".

In my case, the OW's husband did leave her after almost 2 decades of marriage. She married young (before graduating college) and had married divorced man twice her age.

I find it surprising that people are mainly framing what type of woman the OW is based on what she is doing to the wife. As a woman whose DH cheated, I didn't for one minute think the OW owed me anything. I knew it was my husband's responsiblity to look out for me. (and he didn't). The "what kind of woman would do that" question for me, was entirely about why she would settle for some man (my husband) who would do that to his wife and family and treat her like that - at first the OW is treated pretty well but affairs tend to follow the same pattern and it gets ugly.

The thing is, the man is manipulating and lying to his wife in order to get away with it, and it's silly to think he is not manipulating and lying to the OW. He was, big time. My husband said that in hindsight, the whole thing felt like pretend. The relationship was not really grounded in reality and it required a lot of reinventing reality.

A great book on this is called "Being the Other Woman" and its by a journalist who was an OW and interviewed dozens of OWs for her book. There are definite similiarities in that all OWs did have some sort of trauma. In my OW's case, her first husband cheated on her and left her. Obviously she had some unresolved issues. She had also been overweight all of her life and lost weight before the affair so I think she was adapting to that change. Seemed like a little re-living of lost youth, as she moved out on her kids and got an apartment (she was still active in their lives but she chose not to live them which I can't fathom). I don't know. I hope one day to not to care, but the whole thing is still fairly fresh. I'm doing a lot better and thinking of her a lot less often, though clearly still visiting these types of threads and responding to them lets me know I still have some work to do.

Anonymous wrote:

Finally, it is convenient to have a third party to blame for everything that goes wrong with your marriage. It's like you are saying you had no control over the events. Fine if you want to be a martyr. However, you can choose to take control, confront your husband, and either heal the marriage or leave and find something better. People can only treat you as bad as you let them. Get your head out of the sand and stand up for yourself. Demand better for yourself and you will get better. By blaming the other woman, you still haven't addressed the husband who cheated on you and who could just find another woman.

You can't take control if you don't know. As soon as wives find out they do "take control". But the husband's beg and the kids don't even know and the OW is texing up a storm. We demand better for ourselves and we either ditch the husband or suffer through, usually because there are kids involvoed.

But the OW is to blame. There is not just 1 person to blame, there are 2 - the cheater and the OW.

Betrayed spouses address the husband - just not here in a post that asks - what type of woman. We can start a thread on what type of man.

It is clear - the woman is very, very, very flawed - amoral, immoral, self-esteem issues, or just plain slutty. The question is what type of WOMAN and the question has been answered over and over and over. Many women admitted they did it when they were down, because they are horney, because they are immoral but don't care about others.

So it is not about blame the question is "whay type of woman" any you have your answer - you just don't like it.

Bravo! You just summed up seven pages perfectly.