Anonymous wrote:OP, our culture is similar in that kids and whole families are invited to events or no one in the family at all. I twas absolutely rude of your neighbor to exclude one member of the family. I would have understood if it was an adults only function, but obviously it isn't.

Your plan to go and have dh stay with dd is a good one. Your dh has no obligation to go if he doesn't want to.

Maybe you people from OTHER cultures need to learn to respect common culture in the USA.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I thought your DD wasn't invited to any of it. She's invited to the service?

I get that a religious service is open to all, but that's a theoretical, theological point. I would think that, like a wedding, a BM is attended only by people whom the BM child's parents have invited.

I saw my neighbor today, we walk our dogs together. She brought it up. Her (nearly) exact words were: "I just wanted to let you know, we're not having any younger kids at the party but why don't you bring Jane by so she can be part of Jack doing the readings..." I told her Jane would enjoy that so count on 4 for the service then 2 for the party... All is well and no... I"m not crashing the service.

Well, there you have it. Sounds like all is well and solved. I hope you feel better, OP. This sounds like a perfect solution and DD can wear a pretty dress to the service. If you guys are comfortable using sitters, it would be great for your husband to go with you guys to the reception. It will be really fun for you two. You will not be hanging out with your son at the party and you will have a lot more fun with DH there. I hope he's not still staying home with DD out of spite.

Regardless, I'm glad you cleared the air as that your daughter is included in part of the celebration.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kid is 9 for goodness sake, that's an obvious dig about her not being invited.

No, it's a pragmatic explanation. It is not the cultural norm to leave a 9YO at home alone for hours. Someone needs to be with her. A parent is a logical choice.

I don't know many 9-year-olds who can't easily be left with a sitter or a friend's family for an evening, but I know not everyone is comfortable with that or maybe they don't have the money or the child has special needs, and as the neighbor I would to be respectful of their not wanting to leave their child for even a few hours. But if these same parents are going to go out next Saturday and leave the 9-year-old with grandma or the teenager around the corner, I think this is a very passive aggressive response. Totally their prerogative, but they should know that their statement will be heard loud and clear.

The general reply those who are Jewish and responding is the sister would be invited if the family was a "close friend".

OP stated they are a "close friend".

So in fact, all the Jewish posters confirmed what the OP's DH felt - that it is quite a snub to not invite the sister.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I thought your DD wasn't invited to any of it. She's invited to the service?

I get that a religious service is open to all, but that's a theoretical, theological point. I would think that, like a wedding, a BM is attended only by people whom the BM child's parents have invited.

A BM is not like a wedding.The BM is part of the larger shabbat service. The service is open to all in the synagogue community. At many synagogues parents are expected to pay for the kiddush after the luncheon for not just their guests but the community as well

Some BM may occur later in the afternoon (havdalah) This service would not be attended by many in the community but these are usually only done in reform and some conservative synagogues.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I thought your DD wasn't invited to any of it. She's invited to the service?

I get that a religious service is open to all, but that's a theoretical, theological point. I would think that, like a wedding, a BM is attended only by people whom the BM child's parents have invited.

I saw my neighbor today, we walk our dogs together. She brought it up. Her (nearly) exact words were: "I just wanted to let you know, we're not having any younger kids at the party but why don't you bring Jane by so she can be part of Jack doing the readings..." I told her Jane would enjoy that so count on 4 for the service then 2 for the party... All is well and no... I"m not crashing the service.

OP, I thought your DD wasn't invited to any of it. She's invited to the service?

I get that a religious service is open to all, but that's a theoretical, theological point. I would think that, like a wedding, a BM is attended only by people whom the BM child's parents have invited.

Anonymous wrote:OP isn't Jewish and didn't understand this is common practice. Now that she understands, she's fine with it.

Everyone else can accept it now too, right? This is common practice and not an insult to the DD.

This is OP, the PP above is correct.
I didn't understand, I do now, and its not a big deal.
All 4 of us are going to the synagogue as its early in the day and we can see BM boy do the readings. Then, that evening for the party, I'm taking DS to the party, DH is going to take DD either ice skating or to the movies.
Everyone is happy
I do appreciate the clarification from many of the PP's.

OP isn't Jewish and didn't understand this is common practice. Now that she understands, she's fine with it.

Everyone else can accept it now too, right? This is common practice and not an insult to the DD.

OP, if you feel comfortable and would enjoy it, go with ds and let your husband stay home with dd. If you don't, find someone for your son to go with so he can have a good time.

From many previous responses, it really does seem quite common, though maybe not to non-Jews.

I'd try not to take it so personally.

I'm sorry but if the hosts invited OP's daughter but not all siblings then the other guests would wonder why, don't you think? It's like inviting some babies/young children to a wedding but not all.

OP I wonder how much your sense of your husband's response is fueling your concerns.

Sending the boy alone strikes me as passive aggressive and retaliatory.

I would send the boy alone.

Whew, I got bored reading the responses around page 3 My two cents, as a Jewish person who has attended probably over 50 bar/bat mitzvahs in my life - first, it is normal for friends of the bar mitzvah boy (your DS) to be invited without such child's parents/siblings - it is also normal for friends of the parents of the bar mitzvah boy (you and DH) to be invited without your kids (meaning in each case, often a whole nuclear family is not invited as guests). In your case, though, as what I would describe as "family friends" of the host family, I would have expected that your whole family including your daughter be invited, or else no one be invited except your DS who is good pals with the bar mitzvah boy. That all having been said, I can't think of any polite way to raise this with the hosts- other than to ask if it was inadvertent that your DD was not invited.

Anonymous wrote:

Take it up with G-d, honey. Jews reach adulthood when they become a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. They are permitted to read from the Torah, which is no small thing. If you don't subscribe to this belief, that's fine, but it's not like the OP's neighbor made it up. And certainly they are not being rude to exclude a child from an adult occasion.

Not to mention -- are you really saying you think a 9-year-old has equal capacity to understand this occasion as a 13-year-old? That's absurd.

You are rude, besides being terribly mistaken. Yeah, nine year old is not an adult, she's not an imbecile either. In every shul I have attended, the nine year olds are expected to start attending in preparation for adult hood, presumably because nine is old enough to get something out of it. No one said equal capacity, except you.

Anonymous wrote:I am Jewish. Have been to probably 40+ of these in my life. This is totally normal and acceptable. I have one older sister. I remember when she was 13, she and my folks went to several Bar and Bat Mitsvahs where I wasn't invited. I wasn't upset or hurt probably because my family didn't get offended or make a stink of it. Then it happened the other way around when my friends turned 13.

Lighted up. Go and have fun. Do something special with your daughter the next day.

I am a Jew, too. I would agree about it being normal in most cases, but not normal if there are long-term family relationships between everyone else in the two households.

I also agree that we don't get invited to everything in life, so you look at an invitation, dacide what to do, and don't make a stink.