If your spouse uses bitch, asshole, idiot, or any other derogatory name in an argument..you are in an abusive relationship. There is no justification.

It''s the one year anniversary since the last post on this thread - and OP here - wanting to encourage those in abusive relationships to seek help - life has gotten so much better -and you can seein hindsight the level of denial one can be in and fog one was in - it can get better if you have the courage to change!

Oh, this whole thread is my life, even down to the airport confrontation. One Christmas my DW behaved like a total bitch -- not a day went by without her cursing or swearing someone out almost all of December. She even cursed out my DD in front of my mother. The smallest offense - real or perceived - in my household can unleash a torrent of insults better reserved for corrupt politicians or thieving corporate executives, not a spouse or loved one. I literally once had DW kicking me in the ribs - in front of my DD - as I lay on the floor of the kitchen trying to get something from under the stove. She spat on me, hit me, clawed at me, knocked my glasses off while was driving, threatened to break them, etc. She wouldn't do these things, she said, if I did not "make her angry." Even to this day, she does not see that she did anything wrong to warrant my booting her out of the house and "taking" her DD away from her. I was simply being "ungrateful" for all the things she did for me. Oh, well...

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sad every time I read a post from a woman who was in the place you were in. But maybe you could post some of the specific steps you took to release yourself from this toxic relationship, so that you could light the way for others who have no idea where to start?

OP here - It had to be frustrating, in hindsight, to my friends who were telling me what a toxic relationship I was in for years to watch me stay in it, and not get out..... I think each person reaches their own moment of clarity in their own time to get out of the denial, but these were what did it for me to leave: (1) getting physically ill and literally losing my voice for several months, and realizing there was something wrong eating at me; (2) eading the book "THe Verbally ABusive RElationship" by Patricia Evans and recognizing MY LIFE BEING LAID OUT in a book - that my situation wasn't unique but part of a well-documented pattern; (3) the behavior escalating to breaking things and threats of violence; (4) seeiing self-sufficiency - e.g. getting back to work to earn money, making a 6-12 month game plan for getting out in a smart way without being financial damaged; (5) getting shrink; (6) exploring my own hobbies, realizing that the thigns for which I had been put down for years by DH were actually my "strengths" which is oddly usaul behavior described in the Evans book and (7) establishing more positive friendships/relationships with clearer boundaries...... I'm still a workin progress but I can feel so muhc better, that I wanted to post this for others out there who are looking to leave, or looking to help a friend leave a situation.

Good luck to others out there! There is a way out, it's just that people have to see it for themselves.....many like me clung to the image of an ideal family or relationship, and refused to step away from it until they saw the relationship for what it was, without the denial of rose-colored glasses....

Too much drama in this thread. And I doubt OP was a pure victim. I bet she gave as good as she got.

Anonymous wrote:Life isn't always so black and white. Just because someone loses their temper in a heated argument and says regretful things does not make them a bad person. DH and I sometimes get into very heated, passionate arguments and name calling can occasionally occur. My biggest concern is doing it in front of your kids. That's not good or healthy at all. Also, it only happens when we're in heated arguments (and I mean really heated) which isn't that often. It would definitely be a problem if he cursed me out because I was asking him to do more. But don't let these other people convince you that if someone calls you a name you should divorce them and put their shit on the curb.

DID YOU READ THE REST OF THIS THREAD????

Anonymous wrote:Life isn't always so black and white. Just because someone loses their temper in a heated argument and says regretful things does not make them a bad person. DH and I sometimes get into very heated, passionate arguments and name calling can occasionally occur. My biggest concern is doing it in front of your kids. That's not good or healthy at all. Also, it only happens when we're in heated arguments (and I mean really heated) which isn't that often. It would definitely be a problem if he cursed me out because I was asking him to do more. But don't let these other people convince you that if someone calls you a name you should divorce them and put their shit on the curb.

Name calling, even occasionally, is not healthy. It's not the way emotionally healthy adults express themselves - it's just not. Not saying it should lead to divorce, but it should definitely lead to counseling.

Life isn't always so black and white. Just because someone loses their temper in a heated argument and says regretful things does not make them a bad person. DH and I sometimes get into very heated, passionate arguments and name calling can occasionally occur. My biggest concern is doing it in front of your kids. That's not good or healthy at all. Also, it only happens when we're in heated arguments (and I mean really heated) which isn't that often. It would definitely be a problem if he cursed me out because I was asking him to do more. But don't let these other people convince you that if someone calls you a name you should divorce them and put their shit on the curb.

Thanks for the update OP!

OP, I am so sad every time I read a post from a woman who was in the place you were in. But maybe you could post some of the specific steps you took to release yourself from this toxic relationship, so that you could light the way for others who have no idea where to start?

Good for you, OP. Way to take back control of your life and set a good example for your kids!

OP here again -- just want to share with readers who might be in the same shoes I was in that it is AMAZING how much my life is transformed post-divorce -- in a positive way -- to not have that constant "voice" of someone cursing me out, not walk on eggshells - -I look and feel different and am finally feeling like I am getting my life on track. Good luck to others out there!!!

So happy for you!

OP, I remember this thread from last year, and I am so happy you came back to update us and SO HAPPY you are getting out and moving on. I hope your therapist (and lawyer?) is working with you to make sure you're safe and protected during the divorce process -- abusers can get especially nasty and/or violent when you're leaving. Wishing you lots of happiness in the future. Good for you!

OP here - thanks again all! What was the straw that lead me to divorce? Honestly, it was over the holidays last year when DH switched from cursing me out to entirely ignoring me for four days straight, as if I was invisible in the room, talking only to his family and my children, not acknowledging my presence (they call it "witholding" behavior in psycho-speak), and then on the airport ont the way back when a relative of mine called him out on his ignoring me, saying it wasn't nice -- DH switched to berating me in front of my kids and my relative saying - "you have no idea what a bitch she is! you have no idea the things she does to me!" etc etc etc...... It ended up with me in tears in an airport, humiliated in front of my own toddler kids in an empty food court at 4 a.m. with random onlookers watching his face flare up red like it does when he is upset, with me sittding down hiding at a table near a stand of plastic utensils with cold, blue airport lighting around me...... THIS was such a pathetic moment for me, one I was ASHAMED of as a former DC "power woman" who'd given up her job that year to make time for the family -- and after that, I just had it.....I found work again, and resolved to leave this insecure, angry man..... BEST THING I HAVE DONE. good luck to others out there.