Anonymous wrote:Here's my honest answer: I'm shy, hate small talk, and only enjoy socializing one-on-one. So I am fine with having a friend over, or meeting for coffee, or taking a walk. But I hate the stilted conversation of having a couple over. My husband is even worse at small talk than I am, so it is usually uncomfortable.

If I have to be in a social group setting, I prefer to do it in someone else's home or in a neutral location so I can leave whenever I want. When it's in your own house, you're stuck.

I try not to accept invitations to dinner parties because I don't want to have to reciprocate. And so over the years, we rarely get invited to anyone's house. My socializing is limited to meeting friends for coffee or taking walks. Personally, I am fine with this, but I can imagine most people probably think I am strange for it.

I don't think you are strange. I'm the same way.

"I wish these otherwise fantastic families spreading these rumors would stop inviting us since I would never want them to feel rejected by us. We enjoy the moments we are together with these families as a whole equal to the sum of it's parts (outings, volunteering, free counsel, lunches, nights out sans spouses, parties, friendship) vs ONE dinner party? You go MEAN GIRL! "

You still don't seem to get it. Let me spell it out. Dinner parties are very expensive and a lot of work. The whole collection of those other social occasions don't involve the same expenditure of effort and cash. It's not equivalent. Sorry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it happens frequently. We have this one family in particular where the kids are very friendly with our kids. I had the whole family over for dinner and then as part of a larger party - then nothing. The kids keep playing, but no invitation to dinner or evening socializing is forthcoming. I heard the mom complaining to other friends that she's afraid to schedule something on the chance her husband might not feel like socializing. I'd be like, WTF dude? this is part of adult life.

So.....I just don't invite the whole family anymore. No sense in continuing to feed them dinner, wine, etc. with no reciprocation. There are other families who do reciprocate that I am cultivating instead.

Agreed! Cultivate, cultivate, cultivate. This is my problem. My spouse does not want to reciprocate because we host one or two very large parties a year and the last few years have been challenging. We have invited the children of the families' who have had us over during this period over for, I hope, interesting day trips, sleepovers and regularly offer to drive kids places, invite my friends to coffee, walks, lunches, sports events, lectures, concerts etc. The rumor mill pushes messages my way about our being rude and not reciprocating by a group of families. SERIOUSLY. This is what we can offer given our horribly unpredictable schedule, large family in the area and fixed responsibilities. I wish these otherwise fantastic families spreading these rumors would stop inviting us since I would never want them to feel rejected by us. We enjoy the moments we are together with these families as a whole equal to the sum of it's parts (outings, volunteering, free counsel, lunches, nights out sans spouses, parties, friendship) vs ONE dinner party? You go MEAN GIRL!

No problem, you're off the list.

Anonymous wrote:People don't listen anymore, they just wait until you finish talking so they can chime in with something similar or better they have going on.

I never really thought about it like this, but so true!

Anonymous wrote:I thought being an adult meant leaving jealousy and pettiness aside, but I haven't found it to be the case.

If only this were the case! I abandoned a group of girlfriends for precisely this reason: They weren't able to leave jealousy and pettiness aside. There was a lot of backstabbing, oneupsmanship, etc. I found they were rubbing off on me and I didn't like who I was becoming, so I stepped away. I'm much happier without them!

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it happens frequently. We have this one family in particular where the kids are very friendly with our kids. I had the whole family over for dinner and then as part of a larger party - then nothing. The kids keep playing, but no invitation to dinner or evening socializing is forthcoming. I heard the mom complaining to other friends that she's afraid to schedule something on the chance her husband might not feel like socializing. I'd be like, WTF dude? this is part of adult life.

So.....I just don't invite the whole family anymore. No sense in continuing to feed them dinner, wine, etc. with no reciprocation. There are other families who do reciprocate that I am cultivating instead.

Agreed! Cultivate, cultivate, cultivate. This is my problem. My spouse does not want to reciprocate because we host one or two very large parties a year and the last few years have been challenging. We have invited the children of the families' who have had us over during this period over for, I hope, interesting day trips, sleepovers and regularly offer to drive kids places, invite my friends to coffee, walks, lunches, sports events, lectures, concerts etc. The rumor mill pushes messages my way about our being rude and not reciprocating by a group of families. SERIOUSLY. This is what we can offer given our horribly unpredictable schedule, large family in the area and fixed responsibilities. I wish these otherwise fantastic families spreading these rumors would stop inviting us since I would never want them to feel rejected by us. We enjoy the moments we are together with these families as a whole equal to the sum of it's parts (outings, volunteering, free counsel, lunches, nights out sans spouses, parties, friendship) vs ONE dinner party? You go MEAN GIRL!

I haven't had a great time making friends here either. Our calendar is very full with the kids' activities, so we are quite busy, but that is not the same as having close friends. I would gladly skip a soccer game if I had a girl date!
But, OP, we are likely not a match. Just wanted to commiserate with you. I am older than you, have two kids, am pregnant, am a working mom, and complain incessantly about my husband. I curse, drink, interrupt people, speak too much and too loudly, my house is messy and I can't cook. We have people over all the time, but we serve premade food or chips out of a bag. And lots of wine.
Now that I am writing that all out, it is no longer such a mystery to me whY I have no friends.

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound like a lovely person. I've lived here most of my adult life, and it can take awhile to develop meaningful friendships here. People tend to be more guarded. Are you coming across as too eager? too in-your-face? Are you trying to make plans with someone the very next weekend after you've spent time with them?

I agree about people being guarded. I'm just at the 5 year mark of mommy dates and playdates and finally thinking about wanting to get serious with perhaps making plans with other couples where we both have babysitters. We are talking kids get along, parenting styles similar enough, spouses get along, person is not flakey about plans and makes time for people etc.

With eager it is like dating in that if u aren't sure u want to continue eagerness puts undue pressure and instinct is to back away. I don't know why people don't respond to email or call unless there is a certain type of person u are picking that tend to be the ones where u do all the work or they just don't see the point in responding either because they are that busy, that by seat of pants, or that blunt if they don't plan to get together why bother follow-up.

With no drama there may be something to that. I don't like drama with my friends because I get enough of it with my family that said if someone has no dysfunction in the family (brother, sisters, parents) and have normal workplace ( no crazy boss or co-worker) and house is always nice and they are always put together without breaking a sweat and we can't share one of those keeping it real moments when u find out u aren't the only one that deals with x....then likely we won't ever move beyond polite greetings.

Anonymous wrote:For me personally, Sense of humor plays a big role in my screening of new friends. I mean, you just gotta be laid back and expose the inner child in you sometimes. I drink, I curse, I'm sarcastic and don't take myself too seriously. I am all girly and tomboyish at the same time. Love my make-up, pretty clothes and shoes but also lift some serious weights at the gym, rough it out camping and thorougly enjoy physically adventurous activities. In addition to this, I have a family, a home, I'm responsible, have a great job, make a decent income and conduct myself like an adult appropriately.

I don't often meet many people I can relate to on this level and this ofcourse means fewer friends but what are ya going to do?

You also sound quite modest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:honestly... we have enough social invitations without having to reciprocate. honestly DH and I are very fun and so we get invited to do a lot of things by a lot of people. we do not enjoy entertaining and enjoy just being relaxed at home with the kids when we are not engaged socially. we had two couples over for dinner this winter and that was the last time we had people over.

People like you are users. Twice to my house and then never again, I don't care how fun you are. It's rude to accept hospitality and not ever reciprocate.

I agree with this. Most people who are so "fun" are also not terribly genuine--while it may be entertaining at first, you quickly realize that they are not really friends. Just acquaintances.

Anonymous wrote:honestly... we have enough social invitations without having to reciprocate. honestly DH and I are very fun and so we get invited to do a lot of things by a lot of people. we do not enjoy entertaining and enjoy just being relaxed at home with the kids when we are not engaged socially. we had two couples over for dinner this winter and that was the last time we had people over.

People like you are users. Twice to my house and then never again, I don't care how fun you are. It's rude to accept hospitality and not ever reciprocate.

honestly... we have enough social invitations without having to reciprocate. honestly DH and I are very fun and so we get invited to do a lot of things by a lot of people. we do not enjoy entertaining and enjoy just being relaxed at home with the kids when we are not engaged socially. we had two couples over for dinner this winter and that was the last time we had people over.

Here's my honest answer: I'm shy, hate small talk, and only enjoy socializing one-on-one. So I am fine with having a friend over, or meeting for coffee, or taking a walk. But I hate the stilted conversation of having a couple over. My husband is even worse at small talk than I am, so it is usually uncomfortable.

If I have to be in a social group setting, I prefer to do it in someone else's home or in a neutral location so I can leave whenever I want. When it's in your own house, you're stuck.

I try not to accept invitations to dinner parties because I don't want to have to reciprocate. And so over the years, we rarely get invited to anyone's house. My socializing is limited to meeting friends for coffee or taking walks. Personally, I am fine with this, but I can imagine most people probably think I am strange for it.

We love to cook and entertain and invite people over a lot. I'm amazed at how few people ever reciprocate, after years of coming to eat at our house. We have three sets of friends who regularly reciprocate, but most people don't. I really don't understand it; I mean how hard can it be to pick up a rotisserie chicken or two and toss a salad?

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you ever considered swinging? I know its not for everyone, but we've managed to make great connections and really broadened our horizons in the process.

LOL!