The only thing I expect to inherit is my parents' strong moral compass.

In your situation, OP, I would assume that it's going to go to care for your disabled sibling. If you wind up getting anything later, then it's a bonus, but even then I'd check and make sure enough has been allotted for disabled sibling's care.

Never spend other people's money in your head.

Anonymous wrote:One more thought. You sound like you are thinking more about you than the surviving parent and siblings! Is your mother an ex and you have a stepmother? This is a complicated situation! Your father may leave everything to her, then she'd leave everything to his children.

It's a tough conversation. Many families avoid it intentionally so their adult children do not get attached to the idea of having funds and spend more than they should.

Yes. My Dad left what bit he inherited from his Mom to my stepMom and halfbrother (as he was so young and we were in our 20s)...left a lot of hurt feelings etc. subterfuge all around. I understand now that I am in my 40s with young children, you worry about the little ones, you want to get them launched. But my DH andI will inherit nothiing from anyone and take pride in that all we have we have accrued ourselves. You kind of distress me with your presumption of inheritance and entitlement? I would never want my kids to feel that way. Make your own way and everything else is gravy . And also your disabled sibling SHOULD most likely inherit more as it is needed more. Que sera sera,

Disgusting.

I would be so happy if my in-laws disappeared down the worm-hole and took their liabilities and assets with them.

I am not looking forward to the next 4 decades of dealing with them. My mother-in-law lived till 106...and she had made provision. They have made none. He continues to "work" at 84, because he has to.

He has already spent his inheritance and my husband's inheritance. Now he is spending our life savings...

I agree there are two key questions here that are fair game:

Do the parents have their documents in order? Will, trust, POA, etc? Are they complete?

What's the plan for the sibling's care, not only in terms of who will do the caring, but have the parents put enough in the special needs trust (SNT) to cover all his/her anticipated needs for his/her lifetime? Or Half? More? Less? No need to ask for a specific amount, but it would be nice to have ballpark idea so that if you need to supplement sib's needs, you can plan and save for that.

I agree that you need to know about the SNT fairly early on. The less they are putting in the SNT the earlier you need to know so if you are in a position to supplement, you can plan for that. My parents are nearly 70 and started openly discussing these issues in the last 2-3 years. They have told me about the SNT they are doing for my sib, and that it will cover all his needs, and more recently they told me the estimated amount they plan to put in the SNT. That's given me huge peace of mind. But they have never told me their total assets. I am a little ashamed that I did ask at one point, but it was after they had initiated conversations over an extended period of time, and I was clear that I just wanted to get a vague ballpark cause I really had no idea -- I honestly didn't know if we were talking 500K or 15M. Dad eventually gave me a ballpark which again, gave me peace of mind just so I know what I will be possibly dealing with, knowing of course that it could change a lot.

Anonymous wrote:NP here and have read all the pages. I did not get any inkling from OPs post that she needed the money or was relying on it at all OTHER than for the diasabled sibling which makes perfect sense.

My mom is in the process of going over my grandfathers estate with him and my uncle is disabled and has been in the same home his whole life. So of course my mom wants to make sure that he brother is taken care of long after my grandfather passes away and can resume living in the place he has his whole life.

I do not see anything wrong with OP wanting to know about the plan for the future or even the amounts. At some point these conversations have to happen. You have to know where are all the legal docs are and what to expect. Its perfectly normal in my opinion and I suppose thats because my family discusses these things.

Now relying on the money for houses, college, vacation, etc., yeah thats gross. But for the important things there is nothing wrong with openly discussing it.

I was in college when 9/11 hit and I remember my mom giving me a folder with every bank account, life insurance info., wills, etc., in case something happened to my parents (I went to school outside DC and she was worried they could attack again).

Planning is smart.

There is difference between asking where are all the documents (bank account, life insurance info, wills, etc) and who should get the inheritance with how much. Yes, you should ask where all the documents. No, you should not ask for the inheritance information. The inheritance information should be spelled out in your parents' WILL and the Trust.

Anonymous wrote:It seems as if the subject is taboo. Sort of like asking for a gift or presuming someone IS going to get you a gift.

But if inheritance could possibly have a significant impact on your retirement planning - shouldn't you know this?

I can't imagine NOT telling my daughters what to expect, in general terms, when I die. But I'd feel really akward asking my parents about this. And, ours is a complicated situation, involving significant money, multiple marriages, 6 siblings, one of whom is disabled and will be dependent on the others after my parents die.

Shouldn't inheritance or lack thereof be discussed at least in an overview with one's children?

I don't think you ask about the inheritance since that's not really your question.

Tell them that you want to discuss the care of the disabled sibling in the likely event that they pass before the child. That is the only issue allowed.

OP, I would just like to comment on the disabled sibling. I would simply make sure that your parents are set up for that situation - assuming that sib will outlive your parents and financial arrangements should be made NOW.
I have a mentally disabled sibling who has always and WILL always be dependent on my parents for financial and general life stability. Unprompted by us, my parents have shared their arrangements to make sure that sib is taken care of in a way that does not unduly burden my family (DH and kids). I do not know, was not told, and do not plan to ask, what amounts are being discussed. I just know that, if it's 1 mil or 10 bucks, sib's portion will be handled through a trust and I am NOT the executor/whatever responsible for the trust (that part was very important to me).
You NEED to have THAT conversation with your parents, sooner rather than later.

Anonymous wrote:I feel as though it is not really a rude thing to ask. From what I've read on here, everyone is attempting to put down the OP and make them feel like dirt, however it is nice to be able to plan ahead. I am in the middle of this conversation with one of my parents now. To make it complicated, there is a new step-mother and multiple businesses involved. If I can't be told what is going to happen one way or another, I may or may not end up with nearly a half-million in debt that I never anticipated. This is a heck of a ticket to drop on anybody

Since children don't inherit parents' debts or obligations, I fail to see how any debt you accrue to yourself could ever be described as "unanticipated." You mean you won't be able to pre-spend their money unless you know how much it is. That's why PPs are against asking. It's a completely different thing to ask to make sure that your parents will be taken care of during their life, that end-of-life costs will be covered.

Your financial security should depend on you, not an inheritance. What happens when they have a major lifestyle change? My grandparents are paying $3500 a month to care for my grandfather's Alzheimer's. That will greatly impact what is left to inherit. Do we care? No. We are all secure enough from making good decisions and investments that the money doesn't matter. Do not ask and let it be a gift. For all you know, they may put it in a trust for a grandchild instead of you or donate it all to a charity. It's not your money.

If your parents use the money for long term home health care you may get very little. My grandmother needed full time car (versus in a nursing home) when she got Alzheimer's. it was almost 100k/ year. She wandered at night so we had to pay someone full time during the day and someone else full time at night. Then you add in her luxury condo (which was paid off but carried a 2500/ condo fee (loads of amenities), food, utilities, etc...within 4 years...we had it significantly reduced. She then passed away and we still had the condo fee while the place sat empty. We ended up just selling the condo for 1/3 of what she paid for it to get rid of the condo fee. The point is, don't count your chickens before they hatch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not something that is discussed in my family.

seems bizarre not to discuss it. my dad has spelled out exactly what they have in assets, what their plans are for in case of heath issues, and what they hope to be able to leave us. My mom has indicated to me which piece of property she would like to go to which kid. Pretty normal communication in my opinion.

Doesn't mean you COUNT on it, because circumstances obviously change.

The difference is that your dad spelled it out on his own. You didn't go ask his plans did you?

Not reasonable. They owe you nothing. Asking would be rude, hurtful and inappropriate. If and when they want you to know they will tell you. Expect nothing and be grateful if they should happen to die before you and leave you anything. The fact that you have to ask on this forum says a lot. A sense of entitlement is unattractive.

I feel as though it is not really a rude thing to ask. From what I've read on here, everyone is attempting to put down the OP and make them feel like dirt, however it is nice to be able to plan ahead. I am in the middle of this conversation with one of my parents now. To make it complicated, there is a new step-mother and multiple businesses involved. If I can't be told what is going to happen one way or another, I may or may not end up with nearly a half-million in debt that I never anticipated. This is a heck of a ticket to drop on anybody