Anonymous
Post 04/20/2013 21:17     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
Being a step parent is very isolating, because people don't have a presumption of good intentions when you talk about anything. Some of the PP on this thread are sick.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2013 14:27     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:13:13 Oh man I am so glad my son's father's partner has her own life! I suggest therapy, my dear!

I'm guessing you aren't undermining your son's father. Its not about me having a life of my own. Its about seeing how hurt my DH is because his kids thinks he unsupportive and have been told they don't have to have anything to do with him. I'd rather the money be called child support than alimony. She doesn't need alimony.
To give you an idea, you probably haven't screamed at your son's father over a $25 medical bill in the driveway in front of the children and neighbors that you shoved in the sons bag but didn't tell anyone about. Yeah, she get over $40k a year, but will scream at the top of her lungs over a $25 co-pay that she forgot to tell her son to give to his dad. I'm really not sure who was more embarrassed about it. I'm pretty sure his son was mortified over it.
Or what about telling the kids that their dad has a new family so they don't need to see him. Hmmm... we never excluded them. We tried to involve them. But she tells them they don't have to do anything with us. We've offered for them to stay the entire summer with us. We plan trips but at the last minute she changes what times we can pick up or when we have to drop off. Or we plan for the older one to drive (hes 20) but then she'll tell him he can't drive that far. Although he can and does drive that far for other things. Like driving to the concert 5 miles from us was ok, but he couldn't actually drive to our house. Yes, the odler son could ignore her order but then he'd be on her shit list. And it gives him an out for visiting.
DH is a great dad and always tries to plan out fun things with his kids. But its usually undermined by her.


MY GOD!!! This is my situation.... this b!tch (DSD mom) sent a medical bill for $6 damn dollars to us! $6! and she's getting child support (more than she needs at this point since expenses arent the same i.e. no daycare, formula or diapers needed bc DSD is 13 now) she almost had a stroke over it not getting paid when DH is the one covering the insurance plan! we always buy extras and do everything we can for her. Yet, if we do not meet birth mom's demands, she will try to manipulate DSD into thinking that I hate her and her dad doesn't care about her and doesn't do anything for her. That is the furthest thing from the truth! Luckily DSD is very smart and knows how mom is. She loves her dad dearly still.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2013 14:16     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow. Mind your biznass. If DH has an issue he can step up. You don't like it get a seperate account and let him pay on his own. DH wants to in your eyes provide more than is bare minium required by law and you have to post...so if you go back to court and you only need to pay $2 is that all your comfortable giving? Just wow.


Ditto. No wonder step mothers have a bad rep. Wow!


Hold on a minute... Don't attack her... You "baby-mothers" get greedy sometimes. My husband and I are in the same boat. This chick doesn't even work, she gets more child support than she legally should, plus WE pay for all the extras (seeing as I actually work as well and we have other kids) DSD (13) is on our insurance as well. And her comes her mom always with her hands out for something else. WTF is she doing with the money (bi-weekly received)? It seems like to me that every time DSD is here she needs something (even down to lunch money for the week.) I love DSD dearly and DO NOT mind taking care of her. but it raises an eyebrow b/c I feel like little miss teen mom high school drop out is taking advantage of me and DH and using DSD to do so...
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2013 13:19     Subject: Re:paying for "extras" on top of child support
Hi Everyone, I am new but came across this site. I have been married for the second time for 2 yrs. My first marriage I had 3 kids. They are grown now except for my youngest. Father pays small amount child support for her. No extras and he makes 90,000 a yr. I make 15,000 a year. Not fair but he's a police officer and knows all the judges and D.A. Etc. My new husband pays alimony to his wife . His daughter is 23 and wants to be a ballerina lol she grad last year and now goes to a dance school in ny . He pays and his son is 20 lives in California and has schizophrenia for the last 3 yrs. he still pays child support and all the extras he makes 150 000 a year. And has made me pay alot of the bills till recent. He never gives me any extra for food etc. guess I'm wondering when child support will stop. I think he still feels guilty about the divorce and doesn't ever take her back to court to end it. She is mean to him. He never tells talks about it to me but I can hear on the phone. He keeps his first family finances a secert. It's very had living like this. Since I get very little help from my
Ex for our kids. I have to do everything on my own. Guess I needed to vent. Thanks
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2012 08:23     Subject: Re:paying for "extras" on top of child support
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It is pretty annoying that step-parents get such a bad rap. We're usually the only people who were not responsible for the demise of the child's family, and yet we get blamed so easily for pretty much everything. And then we're expected to defer on all points to [b]the child's parents, regardless of how their decisions impact our nuclear families. And this from the parents who couldn't even manage to keep their family and marriage intact. A bit like letting the patients run the asylum.


And yet, you married one of them.


PP here. I did marry a divorced man with children. We were very clear with each other that our marriage would be as important as his relationship with his kids from a prior marriage, and as important as our relationship with the children we would have (and now do have) with each other. In our view, the adults' marriage is the central relationship in a family, and the relationships with children grow from, and model, that core. We are happily married, and have strong relationships with all of our kids, including his kids from a prior marriage. Everything that he does for/with his kids is a subject of marital conversation the same way it is for the kids we have together. Small things we don't touch base about, large things we do. We touch base about any unexpected expense over a few hundred dollars (around $400-$500), whether it's about his kids, our kids, or our own personal spending. It is our marital property being spent, so why wouldn't we? He'd never, ever, pull the crap that many PPS seems to suggest, that somehow my views are less important than his, or that it is less "my business" than his, about how we spend our marital property. Everyone make mistakes, but his failed married is not something he or his ex are proud of, and it's certainly not something that they can point to as an example of good parenting. Luckily, they don't, because it wouldn't get them for with me or with her new husband.



Sorry, but if you marry a man with kids, you should not expect your relationship to be as important to him as the relationship he has with his kids. I might be old-fashioned, but IMO once you have kids THEY come first. If you were not willing to accept this, you should have limited your dating to men without children.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2012 17:15     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
I'm surprised people are jumping all over OP. I think her post is thoughful and appropriate. I commend you, OP for being a great, concerned, stepmother.

It seems OP is asking about a precedent being set by just paying for whatever the mom says. When DC turns 16 will she buy a car and send the bill to his dad? It is about setting boundaries and respecting them. It doesn't seem the mother is respecting OP and her husband at all.

OP, I'd first try to speak to the mother about all the extras. If she doesn't seem interested in some sort of agreement, then I would seek legal advice.

Perhaps you can suggest the total fee for all summer camps (yours and hers) be split 50/50.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2012 21:12     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
Anonymous wrote:These situations sound very unfair! What's also unfair are the posts dismissing the step-parents' anger about their unfair situations. It's quite healthy and reasonable to feel angry about being gouged and/or not being able to see your kids. So please drop the dismissive crap. Sounds like YOU received some BAD therapy!!



+100 Sounds like a thread full of takers.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2012 21:44     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP admits DH is underpaying his ex by several hundred dollars a month! OP is asking what the norm is. There is no norm, there's a range of norms, and what DH is doing is pretty common. I know a divorced mother of three and her ex pays all the private school tuition even though her parents are wealthy.

By the way, if DH is paying all the expenses but underpaying child support, he's really not paying all the expenses. Clear?

Why would you go to court? Spend the money on camp for the child, not lawyers!


$1400 a month for one child in Maryland is perfectly reasonable given that is dad's share and mom also has an obligation to support her child and contribute too. It shouldn't take $2800 to raise one child in less you are in a position that you can afford it or choose to spend your money in that way. Just because you know one person who is very demanding with high expectations does not mean its reasonable. And, her parents have no obligation to pay for her child. They are her and the fathers responsibility. Instead of exclusively relying on their father (or her parents) maybe she should step up more.


$1400 for one child reasonable? Really, daycare can be more than $1400. You do know kids eat and need clothing too. Don't get me wrong the child supports sheet is a great base but if you can give more for your kid why would you not?


Hello . . . the child has two parents. Yes, children eat, sleep and do all sorts of things, and both parents are expected to fund those activities, even a teacher who may just have to figure out how to find some employment over the summer months when she chooses to be unemployed.
Anonymous
Post 05/27/2012 09:19     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
These situations sound very unfair! What's also unfair are the posts dismissing the step-parents' anger about their unfair situations. It's quite healthy and reasonable to feel angry about being gouged and/or not being able to see your kids. So please drop the dismissive crap. Sounds like YOU received some BAD therapy!!
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2011 11:15     Subject: Re:paying for "extras" on top of child support
Nobody ever thinks their side of the deal is fair. I don't know what is. But the $$ our family spends on DSC is definitely much more than money spent on #2 (who is in daycare). And DSC has a mom who make more significantly more than DH and I combined. So DSC has a college fund, expensive camps, activities and classes. #2 will not have any of that but will go to public school and work through college, I guess. I just hope that the imbalance between them will not generate resentment because I would like them to have a good relationship even when all the parental figures are gone. Anyway, it is what it is.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2011 22:23     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
12:42 I get them. I've lived them. I still think PP's got too detach.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2011 12:42     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:13:13 Oh man I am so glad my son's father's partner has her own life! I suggest therapy, my dear!

I'm guessing you aren't undermining your son's father. Its not about me having a life of my own. Its about seeing how hurt my DH is because his kids thinks he unsupportive and have been told they don't have to have anything to do with him. I'd rather the money be called child support than alimony. She doesn't need alimony.
To give you an idea, you probably haven't screamed at your son's father over a $25 medical bill in the driveway in front of the children and neighbors that you shoved in the sons bag but didn't tell anyone about. Yeah, she get over $40k a year, but will scream at the top of her lungs over a $25 co-pay that she forgot to tell her son to give to his dad. I'm really not sure who was more embarrassed about it. I'm pretty sure his son was mortified over it.
Or what about telling the kids that their dad has a new family so they don't need to see him. Hmmm... we never excluded them. We tried to involve them. But she tells them they don't have to do anything with us. We've offered for them to stay the entire summer with us. We plan trips but at the last minute she changes what times we can pick up or when we have to drop off. Or we plan for the older one to drive (hes 20) but then she'll tell him he can't drive that far. Although he can and does drive that far for other things. Like driving to the concert 5 miles from us was ok, but he couldn't actually drive to our house. Yes, the odler son could ignore her order but then he'd be on her shit list. And it gives him an out for visiting.
DH is a great dad and always tries to plan out fun things with his kids. But its usually undermined by her.


Clearly the posters don't get these experiences if they haven't been on the other side... oh the story's we could tell too. You have no clue what its like showing up to the airport not knowing if your child is on the airplane or if you are even getting your visit. Imagine the hurt when your child is NOT on the plane as agreed upon. (and not missed by accident).
Anonymous
Post 06/13/2011 16:28     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
15:41 She sounds terrible, and I am sorry for you. But you seem really raw and reactive and resentful over something that's been going on for years. Hang in there, whatever it takes.
Anonymous
Post 06/13/2011 15:41     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
Anonymous wrote:13:13 Oh man I am so glad my son's father's partner has her own life! I suggest therapy, my dear!

I'm guessing you aren't undermining your son's father. Its not about me having a life of my own. Its about seeing how hurt my DH is because his kids thinks he unsupportive and have been told they don't have to have anything to do with him. I'd rather the money be called child support than alimony. She doesn't need alimony.
To give you an idea, you probably haven't screamed at your son's father over a $25 medical bill in the driveway in front of the children and neighbors that you shoved in the sons bag but didn't tell anyone about. Yeah, she get over $40k a year, but will scream at the top of her lungs over a $25 co-pay that she forgot to tell her son to give to his dad. I'm really not sure who was more embarrassed about it. I'm pretty sure his son was mortified over it.
Or what about telling the kids that their dad has a new family so they don't need to see him. Hmmm... we never excluded them. We tried to involve them. But she tells them they don't have to do anything with us. We've offered for them to stay the entire summer with us. We plan trips but at the last minute she changes what times we can pick up or when we have to drop off. Or we plan for the older one to drive (hes 20) but then she'll tell him he can't drive that far. Although he can and does drive that far for other things. Like driving to the concert 5 miles from us was ok, but he couldn't actually drive to our house. Yes, the odler son could ignore her order but then he'd be on her shit list. And it gives him an out for visiting.
DH is a great dad and always tries to plan out fun things with his kids. But its usually undermined by her.
Anonymous
Post 06/13/2011 15:14     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
13:13 Oh man I am so glad my son's father's partner has her own life! I suggest therapy, my dear!