What are you desperate? At least you saved money and didn’t have to buy a gift never mind be saved from a boring event.

One year my kids organized a little birthday bbq for me. Spouse cooked. I looked at the assembled company and thought: These are not my friends. These are people I work with. Where are my friends?

But I didn’t say a word.

I had a woman come on very strong, then ignore me for months after I helped her with something, then out of the blue ask if I’d like to walk with her one morning. Sure!
What she actually wanted was for me to transport some dirty lawn equipment from her SIL’s house to hers “since it’s on my way.” I can’t believe people function like this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so the story of my life. I met a woman at the school who seemed like she really liked me. We worked together intensively on a volunteer project and then another one.
It then became clear that she acts like that to EVERYONE especially if she thinks you’ll be helpful somehow.
Like “do you have plans for spring break?” And she is super vague… turns out she’s going to London! I feel like a friend would want to talk about that. Or then she announced that she wouldn’t be meeting me at the gym anymore because she got a job. Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$).
Just a lack of being real.

That is not a lack of being real. You could be talking about me, I don't like to discuss trips in detail with people. I'm sometimes afraid it comes across like bragging--and some places I've been to so many times for work or whatever they don't even strike me as particularly interesting.

My job hunting isn't something I discuss with anyone except DH. He makes $$$$, and that is not pertinent to my career. Not everyone discusses every little detail of their lives with everyone around them.

I completely understand this, I do this too with most people. but I was under the impression that we were becoming close friends. When it turned out we were friendly acquaintances the whole time. Just a different level of friendship than what I was hoping for.

The whole "do you have plans?" while being vague about her own plans would make me wonder if she was fishing for a house or pet sitter. I've discovered that in recent years -- some neighborhood/school people will be very friendly and ask lots of questions, I'll naively think it's because they want to be friends, and it will turn out they are looking for favors, like they want someone to drive their kid to little League or they want to know if you are home in the afternoons in case they need someone to pick up their kid.

At first I was offended by this but now I'm better at spotting the difference between real "getting to know you" conversation and people pumping me for info they can use. The pointed questions while being vague about their own lives is a giveaway. Some people are just kind of users and see others as a means to an end. You have to learn to recognize and then not invest in them. At best it could be a mutually beneficial situation, but I ky if they have something to offer.

If you ever wonder why you have friend problems - look no further. Someone asking if you have plans is being polite, not looking to use you.

Nah I’m with you pp. my mother in law does this. I’ve learned to ask: Why? First before giving away one bit of information.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get off social media OP. You aren't secure enough to be on it.

The reality is that everyone is living their own life. Sometimes you'll be invited to join, and other times you won't. What matters is what you're doing on *your* journey. If you are happy with yourself, you'll be happy for your friends, even if you aren't at their party.

Stop it, Pollyanna. Real people aren’t walking around with their head in the clouds feeling knowing, knowing nothing, existing in some parallel universe, with no real connections to others.

Correct. Real people walk around knowing they are not invited to everyone's party and are ok with that, because they are busy living their own life.

OP is a real person. And she feels hurt. So would I in her situation and I'm also a real person. I'm a real adult. I've experienced a lot of things. And this would still sting.

The host doesn't even know you. Why would she have invited you? I'd feel really hurt too but common sense says this was not a slight.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get off social media OP. You aren't secure enough to be on it.

The reality is that everyone is living their own life. Sometimes you'll be invited to join, and other times you won't. What matters is what you're doing on *your* journey. If you are happy with yourself, you'll be happy for your friends, even if you aren't at their party.

Stop it, Pollyanna. Real people aren’t walking around with their head in the clouds feeling knowing, knowing nothing, existing in some parallel universe, with no real connections to others.

Correct. Real people walk around knowing they are not invited to everyone's party and are ok with that, because they are busy living their own life.

Not really. "Real" people often have thoughts about things and may be more emotional or sensitive than you. You are no more "real" because you've decided to feel detached about everything. In any case the issue here is this person is someone op considers a friend, her dh also knows the dh, and it sounds like op also knew the hostess of the party and many of the attendees. So of course she will have a thought about it and wonder if she's actually that good of a friend or in that circle if she was excluded for a fairly large party. It's not the same as someone you barely know having a party.

The advice isn’t to stop having feelings or detach. The advice is to focus on what you do know about your friendship and not ruminate on negative feelings based on speculation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get off social media OP. You aren't secure enough to be on it.

The reality is that everyone is living their own life. Sometimes you'll be invited to join, and other times you won't. What matters is what you're doing on *your* journey. If you are happy with yourself, you'll be happy for your friends, even if you aren't at their party.

Stop it, Pollyanna. Real people aren’t walking around with their head in the clouds feeling knowing, knowing nothing, existing in some parallel universe, with no real connections to others.

Correct. Real people walk around knowing they are not invited to everyone's party and are ok with that, because they are busy living their own life.

Not really. "Real" people often have thoughts about things and may be more emotional or sensitive than you. You are no more "real" because you've decided to feel detached about everything. In any case the issue here is this person is someone op considers a friend, her dh also knows the dh, and it sounds like op also knew the hostess of the party and many of the attendees. So of course she will have a thought about it and wonder if she's actually that good of a friend or in that circle if she was excluded for a fairly large party. It's not the same as someone you barely know having a party.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so the story of my life. I met a woman at the school who seemed like she really liked me. We worked together intensively on a volunteer project and then another one.
It then became clear that she acts like that to EVERYONE especially if she thinks you’ll be helpful somehow.
Like “do you have plans for spring break?” And she is super vague… turns out she’s going to London! I feel like a friend would want to talk about that. Or then she announced that she wouldn’t be meeting me at the gym anymore because she got a job. Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$).
Just a lack of being real.

That is not a lack of being real. You could be talking about me, I don't like to discuss trips in detail with people. I'm sometimes afraid it comes across like bragging--and some places I've been to so many times for work or whatever they don't even strike me as particularly interesting.

My job hunting isn't something I discuss with anyone except DH. He makes $$$$, and that is not pertinent to my career. Not everyone discusses every little detail of their lives with everyone around them.

I completely understand this, I do this too with most people. but I was under the impression that we were becoming close friends. When it turned out we were friendly acquaintances the whole time. Just a different level of friendship than what I was hoping for.

The whole "do you have plans?" while being vague about her own plans would make me wonder if she was fishing for a house or pet sitter. I've discovered that in recent years -- some neighborhood/school people will be very friendly and ask lots of questions, I'll naively think it's because they want to be friends, and it will turn out they are looking for favors, like they want someone to drive their kid to little League or they want to know if you are home in the afternoons in case they need someone to pick up their kid.

At first I was offended by this but now I'm better at spotting the difference between real "getting to know you" conversation and people pumping me for info they can use. The pointed questions while being vague about their own lives is a giveaway. Some people are just kind of users and see others as a means to an end. You have to learn to recognize and then not invest in them. At best it could be a mutually beneficial situation, but I ky if they have something to offer.

If you ever wonder why you have friend problems - look no further. Someone asking if you have plans is being polite, not looking to use you.

You didn't read the entire post. It wasn't the asking if you have plans, it's asking if f you have plans, then you answer, then you say "so how about you?" and they are weird and evasive, and then you hear later from someone else they had plans.

At first that interaction would be baffling, because why not just say what your plans are? But then I realized that some people (not everyone) are very friendly but only because they are figuring out if you can help them out. They'll see you at a school event and make a beeline for you and then ask with this huge smile, "How are you?! Do you all have spring break plans?!" The instinct is to think oh this person must be very interested in me to be so friendly, but then they'll act cagey and strange. In reality, they are just hoping you're not traveling and can watch their family cat or something. I used to struggle to recognize this behavior and kept getting whiplash from the super friendly behavior and then otherwise being unfriendly. Now I recognize the signs that someone is just trying to butter me up for a request, as opposed to actually interested in friendship. Understanding this difference has made it easier for me to make friends, because I don't invest energy in the people just looking for favors and therefore don't feel hurt or used either.

Yes, I know several people like this!! I’ve fallen for several women who acted like this and I thought wanted to be friends, but nope they just wanted another person that they could use for favors and rides for their kids to activities while never reciprocating. I’m wiser now and do a better job of avoiding these types.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get off social media OP. You aren't secure enough to be on it.

The reality is that everyone is living their own life. Sometimes you'll be invited to join, and other times you won't. What matters is what you're doing on *your* journey. If you are happy with yourself, you'll be happy for your friends, even if you aren't at their party.

Stop it, Pollyanna. Real people aren’t walking around with their head in the clouds feeling knowing, knowing nothing, existing in some parallel universe, with no real connections to others.

Correct. Real people walk around knowing they are not invited to everyone's party and are ok with that, because they are busy living their own life.

Oh boy. I’ve experienced this sooo many times and it totally sucks OP. In your case, I think the woman could actually be your potential friend. I would just go with that idea until she gave me concrete proof of something different. She sounds innocent so far and may one of the rare really nice women needing a friend. It’s tough to say because she’s newer to you. She deserves a chance.

For contrast, I have a current group of user “friends” whom I used to do everything with including girls trips in the Spring for over a decade. I was recommending the next trip then discovered I suddenly wasn’t invited anymore when one of them put the pictures of a trip secretly they did without me on FB. Their husbands are also friends with my husband (we were a group) so eventually I knew all about it. Insult to injury, while they were on their trips, the other husbands would invite my husband to a new annual guys only cook out while I stayed home. It was hurtful and humiliating. This has gone on for four years now. They all cling to my husband because they desperately want to be associated with him. It’s gross. I confronted one of them on leaving me out and she had the nerve to say “we’re just all closer”. I had been confiding in that woman and the others about my personal life just days before on my birthday. They had previously kicked two other women out of the friend group so I should have known then. (I’m the only one still friends with those two)

So until you know this woman better, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and put her in the “maybe” category but don’t push her completely away. She isn’t the one who drew up the guest list. When she’s the one planning the party, if you are invited or not will be the tell. Until then, give her a chance, we can all use more real friends. I hope it works out!

If you want the friendship, don't make it weird and make up reasons to be offended or slighted. Assume the best of this situation (i.e. she had no input in the guest list). Don't draw back. Keep plugging along and be a good friend. Be a big person. Model the close, normal and healthy friendship you want.

Friendships in middle age never go anywhere if women are always thinking "oh, she didn't say she missed me not being at the party. That must be because she doesn't actually like me. Now I'll draw back too."

I've had a friend like this in town, she's just more social than I am.

At one point we had a standing lunch date with our mutual 3 year olds because her 5 yo twins were in kindergarten and I heard later that she felt it was a "good idea" for them to befriend us (we're not an entirely white family but it's a white town).

It took only a few times off her inviting to me to her big small ta-ta tiddy committee (for great cancer) to be OK about some people just having other groups and venn diagrams of interest.

Anonymous wrote:Get off social media OP. You aren't secure enough to be on it.

The reality is that everyone is living their own life. Sometimes you'll be invited to join, and other times you won't. What matters is what you're doing on *your* journey. If you are happy with yourself, you'll be happy for your friends, even if you aren't at their party.

+1 I'm embarrassed for these other women that they were even playing the pix on social media anymore. Like it's Facebook in our 20s in 2009.

Anonymous wrote:An important skill/tool in middle age is just not giving as many effs about this kind of thing. Maybe it was an oversight, maybe it wasn't, it seems unlikely your friend had any agency in it either way. So don't let it get in the way of a good relationship that you've developed. Ruminating about it isn't going to change what happened and being bitter (even internally) about it will sour whatever friendship you do have.

Wise post.