Anonymous wrote:It's odd to not be close enough to ask, attempt a conversation. Use your words.

For all you who want to just show up, fine. Whatever. You think you are a *better* person? No. You're not better. You aren't getting brownie points.

Anonymous wrote:Please go and support your friend.

When my father-in-law passed away very unexpectedly 19 years ago we were deeply touched by all of the folks that came to the viewing.

Not only coworkers and relatives. My wife had many of her sorority sisters come, I had friends of my parents that tangentially knew my Father-in-law that came. Heck, waitress's from the local diner that he frequented came still wearing their work uniforms.

Oh hell. I'm teary now thinking about it and missing him. Again, please go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Good friend” is close enough to attend parent’s funeral.

I totally disagree. We didn't want anyone at my father's funeral who didn't personally know him, and yet a whole bunch of people came who had never even met him. It felt very voyeuristic and uncomfortable. A kind message would have been so much better.

They are showing up to support you. I’m Jewish and this is pretty typical in our culture. I just went to a shiva for the father of someone I’ve only become friendly with recently. I never met her dad so I debated going but I felt it was the right thing and was glad I showed my support. Now I will admit that when my mom died I dreaded the funeral and shiva because I wanted to crawl in bed but I also recognized that it was part of the grieving process to have those events and that in the end the support of friends (even acquaintances) is what kept me putting one foot in front of the other. If you don’t want others to show up, don’t tell others and don’t publish the death notice or say “private service” in the notice.

This is the polite and caring thing to do in any culture. PP is nuts.

I'm the PP and I'm hardly "nuts," thanks. I stand by what I said. If you didn't actually know the deceased, sending a nice card and/or flowers to the family is far preferable to showing up at the funeral.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Good friend” is close enough to attend parent’s funeral.

I totally disagree. We didn't want anyone at my father's funeral who didn't personally know him, and yet a whole bunch of people came who had never even met him. It felt very voyeuristic and uncomfortable. A kind message would have been so much better.

They are showing up to support you. I’m Jewish and this is pretty typical in our culture. I just went to a shiva for the father of someone I’ve only become friendly with recently. I never met her dad so I debated going but I felt it was the right thing and was glad I showed my support. Now I will admit that when my mom died I dreaded the funeral and shiva because I wanted to crawl in bed but I also recognized that it was part of the grieving process to have those events and that in the end the support of friends (even acquaintances) is what kept me putting one foot in front of the other. If you don’t want others to show up, don’t tell others and don’t publish the death notice or say “private service” in the notice.

This is the polite and caring thing to do in any culture. PP is nuts.

I'm the PP and I'm hardly "nuts," thanks. I stand by what I said. If you didn't actually know the deceased, sending a nice card and/or flowers to the family is far preferable to showing up at the funeral.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Good friend” is close enough to attend parent’s funeral.

I totally disagree. We didn't want anyone at my father's funeral who didn't personally know him, and yet a whole bunch of people came who had never even met him. It felt very voyeuristic and uncomfortable. A kind message would have been so much better.

They are showing up to support you. I’m Jewish and this is pretty typical in our culture. I just went to a shiva for the father of someone I’ve only become friendly with recently. I never met her dad so I debated going but I felt it was the right thing and was glad I showed my support. Now I will admit that when my mom died I dreaded the funeral and shiva because I wanted to crawl in bed but I also recognized that it was part of the grieving process to have those events and that in the end the support of friends (even acquaintances) is what kept me putting one foot in front of the other. If you don’t want others to show up, don’t tell others and don’t publish the death notice or say “private service” in the notice.

This is the polite and caring thing to do in any culture. PP is nuts.

Anonymous wrote:Few things demonstrate the breakdown of society better than this thread. Honestly, the fact that so many people apparently don't attend funerals unless they are related to the deceased or have received a personal message from a grieving friend begging them is another symptom of the pervasive loneliness and disconnection of 21st century life.

Personal invitations are not extended to death rituals. The reason for that is not to place any additional burden on grieving family members.

When funeral/memorial service info is published online or in the paper, that IS the invitation. If it's not published, or if an obituary states that services or burial are private, than that is the queue that general attendees are not wanted. It's very common for the memorial or funeral service to be public and the graveside portion to be private (just close family).

If their has been a public announcement of funeral/service information, it's not necessary to ask anyone if it's alright if you attend. In fact, it's a little strange to do so. And it's even stranger to ask if someone *wants* you to attend, because many people will say out of politeness that they don't want to inconvenience you. That kind of question is often asked by people who want permission to get out of something, and so people respond with that in mind. It's kind of a crappy thing to ask someone IMO.

There's a sense of distaste in some of the posts on this thread that some people want "a crowd" at a funeral. But it's very common to want to feel like your loved one was important and will be missed. Of course not everyone wants this/feels that way, but it's not strange or shameful or obnoxious if someone does. It's quite normal. One of the worst, most disorienting things about grief can be the feeling that you are alone with it, while the world carries on without noticing. It can be very comforting to feel like the loss was noticed and observed.

At least one PP said with distaste the some friends announce funeral info on social media. But in the absence of local papers (which nobody apparently reads anymore anyway), how should someone place a notification of death? In the past, people usually read the local paper and scanned the death notices. Now that vehicle of communication has disappeared. But people haven't changed. Death rituals still play an important role.

If you're asking the question, "should I go to the funeral?" the answer is probably yes, unless you have a specific reason to think your presence might be upsetting (e.g., you're estranged from the loved ones of the deceased, you're an old girlfriend and the wife hates you, etc).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. I do not show up uninvited to a stranger's funeral.

WTF?? People are not invited to funerals unless you are like Princess Diana or someone else famous.

PP you replied to. I am not Jewish. I do not go to the funeral of a non-relative unless someone from that family asks me to come. I don't read death notices or obituaries. The only way I'd know there was a funeral is if someone told me. So then I'd need to be sent the time and place. If someone sends me the time and place, I assume I've been asked to go, and then I go. I wouldn't ask these details of my own volition unless it was the parent/sibling of my close friends. My best friend's husband lost a parent, the funeral was in NYC, and I was never asked to go, and I never got the feeling they wanted me to attend. They never sent me any details about it. We're still good friends.

Also, and maybe this is the most important - I do not believe that the crowd at a funeral indicates anything about the deceased or their family. I think that's why some posters think attending stranger's funerals is important. They want a crowd at their own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the person who lost her parent quite well. We've texted hundreds of times. Our kids are best friends. We've been to their house multiple times, gone out to eat many times and have even talked about vacationing together. We just haven't been as close the past 9 months as our lives have changed (our kids went off to college, her parent got ill, etc).

When her parent died I saw her a few weeks later and she told me the entire story as we spent a few hours together. It's just that she has never told me the details about this memorial service and I only know the details from googling her name and reading about them online.

I'm just not sure how things go as I haven't had many funerals to attend. I'm going to show up. I figure you never regret going. I'll give her a hug and then slip out the back right away.

This sounds perfect, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Good friend” is close enough to attend parent’s funeral.

I totally disagree. We didn't want anyone at my father's funeral who didn't personally know him, and yet a whole bunch of people came who had never even met him. It felt very voyeuristic and uncomfortable. A kind message would have been so much better.

They are showing up to support you. I’m Jewish and this is pretty typical in our culture. I just went to a shiva for the father of someone I’ve only become friendly with recently. I never met her dad so I debated going but I felt it was the right thing and was glad I showed my support. Now I will admit that when my mom died I dreaded the funeral and shiva because I wanted to crawl in bed but I also recognized that it was part of the grieving process to have those events and that in the end the support of friends (even acquaintances) is what kept me putting one foot in front of the other. If you don’t want others to show up, don’t tell others and don’t publish the death notice or say “private service” in the notice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not go (because I would not want to! Who likes funerals?) unless the friend told me about it directly. I would pretend I haven’t seen the obituary.

So what you're saying is that you're completely self- centered and not capable of being a friend.

Anonymous wrote:Few things demonstrate the breakdown of society better than this thread. Honestly, the fact that so many people apparently don't attend funerals unless they are related to the deceased or have received a personal message from a grieving friend begging them is another symptom of the pervasive loneliness and disconnection of 21st century life.

Personal invitations are not extended to death rituals. The reason for that is not to place any additional burden on grieving family members.

When funeral/memorial service info is published online or in the paper, that IS the invitation. If it's not published, or if an obituary states that services or burial are private, than that is the queue that general attendees are not wanted. It's very common for the memorial or funeral service to be public and the graveside portion to be private (just close family).

If their has been a public announcement of funeral/service information, it's not necessary to ask anyone if it's alright if you attend. In fact, it's a little strange to do so. And it's even stranger to ask if someone *wants* you to attend, because many people will say out of politeness that they don't want to inconvenience you. That kind of question is often asked by people who want permission to get out of something, and so people respond with that in mind. It's kind of a crappy thing to ask someone IMO.

There's a sense of distaste in some of the posts on this thread that some people want "a crowd" at a funeral. But it's very common to want to feel like your loved one was important and will be missed. Of course not everyone wants this/feels that way, but it's not strange or shameful or obnoxious if someone does. It's quite normal. One of the worst, most disorienting things about grief can be the feeling that you are alone with it, while the world carries on without noticing. It can be very comforting to feel like the loss was noticed and observed.

At least one PP said with distaste the some friends announce funeral info on social media. But in the absence of local papers (which nobody apparently reads anymore anyway), how should someone place a notification of death? In the past, people usually read the local paper and scanned the death notices. Now that vehicle of communication has disappeared. But people haven't changed. Death rituals still play an important role.

If you're asking the question, "should I go to the funeral?" the answer is probably yes, unless you have a specific reason to think your presence might be upsetting (e.g., you're estranged from the loved ones of the deceased, you're an old girlfriend and the wife hates you, etc).