Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce?
The answers to these questions has implications for whether forgiveness is possible.

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire.
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart.

Yeah, “passion”. If he isn’t already cheating he has prospects lined up.

HAHAHAHA. How many prospects does a pathetic mid-50s guy have?

Lots of them, I fit your description and life has been great since separation. Bonus was discovering I didn’t need cialis like I did when I was married !

Guess what. If you stay with the same partner long enough you will. It is human biology.

But pretend you are some victorious stud if that image makes you feel better.

Others have more lofty personal ambitions.

Not a stud, this isn’t about conquest. This is about a man leading an examined life, realizing where his limitations are, conveying them to his partners and living purely for the pursuit of joy. I did the hard years now I’m gonna do the fun ones.
I have a good relationship with my children, their mother and I have treated each other fairly and respectfully, I harbor no ill will and have happily stepped in a number of times as she’s needed me.
I may very well die alone, but I will not die hungry for life.

Makes sense. I'm a woman, and I'm ready to live this way, too. I'm not making any more sacrifices for DH's "career" - mine comes first now; I'm also spending our money on myself. He's going to leave me someday anyway, right? So, I'm chasing joy for now on, spending money on a personal trainer, a great personal stylist, and a wardrobe, and hiding assets for the future when he does leave me. Men are mostly like PP in that they are selfish and narcissistic - women who think otherwise end up sad and depressed like OP. I think all women should do a better job putting themselves first in marriage and be better prepared for divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assuming the couple is college educated, this situation is an outlier.

https://www.whitleylawfirmpc.com/3-reasons-why-women-initiate-divorce-more-often-than-men/#:~:text=In%20fact%2C%20nearly%2070%20percent,number%20jumps%20up%20to%2090%25.

Maybe she’s mad partly because he flipped the script, and people will assume there must be something toxic about her for her husband to push the eject button, since “everybody” knows college-educated men rarely initiate divorces.

I’m a woman in this situation and I am indeed angry because my mentally ill exDH who initiated a nearly-gray divorce was a pretty awful person and I was staying in our marriage to be the human shield for our kids. Now exDH is benefiting from the “she must be crazy because no college-educated women get a divorce initiated against them” assumption and he has shifted to picking on the kids, relentlessly.

OP, people are going to make nasty assumptions. I think what I mourn more than the money or my sacrificed opportunity (but never more than our kids’ childhoods) is how exDH “stole” my reputation. My close friends and a few surprising acquaintances remained supportive, but I still feel diminished by how being the woman who was left and the “she must have been psycho” script has affected others’ perception of me.

PP, rest assured that most women and many men tend to see people and things for who they are. If your exDH is truly as toxic as you say, other people see it, and either empathize with what you must have put up with, or are quietly rooting for your happiness. A good friend of mine was left by her very professionally successful husband (with three young kids, one who was an infant). He and I still work together and are cordial. We say hi and I ask about the kids. But I know the back story of what happened and this guy is a monster. We keep it moving in the workplace because there's no room for drama but trust, everyone knows what's up. Keep your head up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so angry u can barely talk to him

Don’t forgive him, he’s a narcissist. I bet every decision he made over the last 25 years only had to do about him and was for him. He was never a family man or a true father or true husband.

Take time and process this all.

Take the money, talk with the kids- tell the exactly what happened here, then take a 6 month around the world cruise to celebrate and heal.

More psychotic talk. Stop projecting. You don’t know these people. It’s more likely she’s the problem if he filed.

Men file early on if wife is unwell mentally.

Jerk men file gray divorce after the free childcare and housekeeping, to get another young bite at the apple.

And most men don’t marry ever and have children out of wedlock either multiple women. Let’s not forget that 30% contingent!

No man filing a grey divorce wants a new family. He might need to contend with that if he finds a new wife who is in her thirties or something. But usually a man initiating a grey divorce has been done with his wife for legitimate reasons for a long time, especially if she is bitter, angry all the time, is hypercritical or otherwise unpleasant. This goes double if she got fat and/or the bedroom is dead.

This is especially true for good fathers. They stay until the kids are launched and then are ready to live again and they don’t want to spend the rest of their days with a woman who treats them like shit.

So they leave. It’s not that hard to figure out.

No one claims men leave to start a new family, though they often do just that.

They leave because they failed at their marriage with kids, and never wanted to do the work to improve themselves. So hit the Easy Button.

Except, they don't. What's the stat -- 65% to 75% of divorces are initated by women? And among college-educated women, it's 90%? So, your caricature doesn't really square with the data.

A man in that 10% really has to have good reasons and isn't doing it on a whim.

Women generally are more whimsical when it comes to filing. They're more likely to assume the grass is greener and they confuse the man with being the cause of their unhappiness.

You know the old maxim: Men will sacrifice their happiness for their families. Women will sacrifice their families for their happiness.

There is no “old maxim” that says that. Plus it doesn’t even make sense.

Men stay and continue to do nothing when kids are on the scene because they are lazy, avoidant; and busy doing other things (like more work).

Then they muster up an easy, fast boilerplate gray divorce later when all the hard family work is over, courtesy of the spouse. Why? Because they deserve better. Someone to adore them! Enjoy their money with! Companionship! Play holiday time with the adult kids! Easy way out indeed.

The stats say otherwise. They don't leave. And when they do, it's for a very good reason.

Anonymous wrote:I would think grey divorce is more often initiated by women? I mean, once the kids are raised and off to college, they can walk away with half the marital assets, drop their adult man-child, and finally live for themselves. Casual dating is generally easier for women than men at any age, provided a woman is fit and takes care of herself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce?
The answers to these questions has implications for whether forgiveness is possible.

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire.
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart.

Yeah, “passion”. If he isn’t already cheating he has prospects lined up.

HAHAHAHA. How many prospects does a pathetic mid-50s guy have?

Lots of them, I fit your description and life has been great since separation. Bonus was discovering I didn’t need cialis like I did when I was married !

Guess what. If you stay with the same partner long enough you will. It is human biology.

But pretend you are some victorious stud if that image makes you feel better.

Others have more lofty personal ambitions.

Not a stud, this isn’t about conquest. This is about a man leading an examined life, realizing where his limitations are, conveying them to his partners and living purely for the pursuit of joy. I did the hard years now I’m gonna do the fun ones.
I have a good relationship with my children, their mother and I have treated each other fairly and respectfully, I harbor no ill will and have happily stepped in a number of times as she’s needed me.
I may very well die alone, but I will not die hungry for life.

Makes sense. I'm a woman, and I'm ready to live this way, too. I'm not making any more sacrifices for DH's "career" - mine comes first now; I'm also spending our money on myself. He's going to leave me someday anyway, right? So, I'm chasing joy for now on, spending money on a personal trainer, a great personal stylist, and a wardrobe, and hiding assets for the future when he does leave me. Men are mostly like PP in that they are selfish and narcissistic - women who think otherwise end up sad and depressed like OP. I think all women should do a better job putting themselves first in marriage and be better prepared for divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assuming the couple is college educated, this situation is an outlier.

https://www.whitleylawfirmpc.com/3-reasons-why-women-initiate-divorce-more-often-than-men/#:~:text=In%20fact%2C%20nearly%2070%20percent,number%20jumps%20up%20to%2090%25.

Maybe she’s mad partly because he flipped the script, and people will assume there must be something toxic about her for her husband to push the eject button, since “everybody” knows college-educated men rarely initiate divorces.

I’m a woman in this situation and I am indeed angry because my mentally ill exDH who initiated a nearly-gray divorce was a pretty awful person and I was staying in our marriage to be the human shield for our kids. Now exDH is benefiting from the “she must be crazy because no college-educated women get a divorce initiated against them” assumption and he has shifted to picking on the kids, relentlessly.

OP, people are going to make nasty assumptions. I think what I mourn more than the money or my sacrificed opportunity (but never more than our kids’ childhoods) is how exDH “stole” my reputation. My close friends and a few surprising acquaintances remained supportive, but I still feel diminished by how being the woman who was left and the “she must have been psycho” script has affected others’ perception of me.

Never heard about nor saw this fake assumption you keep harping about in this thread, under different personas.
Nope.

This was my first post on this thread. Jeff can check IPs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce?
The answers to these questions has implications for whether forgiveness is possible.

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire.
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart.

Yeah, “passion”. If he isn’t already cheating he has prospects lined up.

HAHAHAHA. How many prospects does a pathetic mid-50s guy have?

Lots of them, I fit your description and life has been great since separation. Bonus was discovering I didn’t need cialis like I did when I was married !

Guess what. If you stay with the same partner long enough you will. It is human biology.

But pretend you are some victorious stud if that image makes you feel better.

Others have more lofty personal ambitions.

Not a stud, this isn’t about conquest. This is about a man leading an examined life, realizing where his limitations are, conveying them to his partners and living purely for the pursuit of joy. I did the hard years now I’m gonna do the fun ones.
I have a good relationship with my children, their mother and I have treated each other fairly and respectfully, I harbor no ill will and have happily stepped in a number of times as she’s needed me.
I may very well die alone, but I will not die hungry for life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assuming the couple is college educated, this situation is an outlier.

https://www.whitleylawfirmpc.com/3-reasons-why-women-initiate-divorce-more-often-than-men/#:~:text=In%20fact%2C%20nearly%2070%20percent,number%20jumps%20up%20to%2090%25.

Maybe she’s mad partly because he flipped the script, and people will assume there must be something toxic about her for her husband to push the eject button, since “everybody” knows college-educated men rarely initiate divorces.

I’m a woman in this situation and I am indeed angry because my mentally ill exDH who initiated a nearly-gray divorce was a pretty awful person and I was staying in our marriage to be the human shield for our kids. Now exDH is benefiting from the “she must be crazy because no college-educated women get a divorce initiated against them” assumption and he has shifted to picking on the kids, relentlessly.

OP, people are going to make nasty assumptions. I think what I mourn more than the money or my sacrificed opportunity (but never more than our kids’ childhoods) is how exDH “stole” my reputation. My close friends and a few surprising acquaintances remained supportive, but I still feel diminished by how being the woman who was left and the “she must have been psycho” script has affected others’ perception of me.

Never heard about nor saw this fake assumption you keep harping about in this thread, under different personas.
Nope.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce?
The answers to these questions has implications for whether forgiveness is possible.

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire.
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart.

Yeah, “passion”. If he isn’t already cheating he has prospects lined up.

HAHAHAHA. How many prospects does a pathetic mid-50s guy have?

Lots of them, I fit your description and life has been great since separation. Bonus was discovering I didn’t need cialis like I did when I was married !

Guess what. If you stay with the same partner long enough you will. It is human biology.

But pretend you are some victorious stud if that image makes you feel better.

Others have more lofty personal ambitions.

Not a stud, this isn’t about conquest. This is about a man leading an examined life, realizing where his limitations are, conveying them to his partners and living purely for the pursuit of joy. I did the hard years now I’m gonna do the fun ones.
I have a good relationship with my children, their mother and I have treated each other fairly and respectfully, I harbor no ill will and have happily stepped in a number of times as she’s needed me.
I may very well die alone, but I will not die hungry for life.

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing more pitiful and pathetic than these recently divorced old men in their 50s who think they are hot sh!t. You are gross losers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think grey divorce is more often initiated by women? I mean, once the kids are raised and off to college, they can walk away with half the marital assets, drop their adult man-child, and finally live for themselves. Casual dating is generally easier for women than men at any age, provided a woman is fit and takes care of herself.

Correct.

But woman also must be ready for their mentally disordered or narcissistic deadweight husbands to dump them on a dime because they heard of a shiny new thing or idea. It’s just part of their lack of values, empathy and maturity.

Anonymous wrote:I would think grey divorce is more often initiated by women? I mean, once the kids are raised and off to college, they can walk away with half the marital assets, drop their adult man-child, and finally live for themselves. Casual dating is generally easier for women than men at any age, provided a woman is fit and takes care of herself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce?
The answers to these questions has implications for whether forgiveness is possible.

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire.
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart.

Yeah, “passion”. If he isn’t already cheating he has prospects lined up.

HAHAHAHA. How many prospects does a pathetic mid-50s guy have?

Lots of them, I fit your description and life has been great since separation. Bonus was discovering I didn’t need cialis like I did when I was married !

Guess what. If you stay with the same partner long enough you will. It is human biology.

But pretend you are some victorious stud if that image makes you feel better.

Others have more lofty personal ambitions.

Not a stud, this isn’t about conquest. This is about a man leading an examined life, realizing where his limitations are, conveying them to his partners and living purely for the pursuit of joy. I did the hard years now I’m gonna do the fun ones.
I have a good relationship with my children, their mother and I have treated each other fairly and respectfully, I harbor no ill will and have happily stepped in a number of times as she’s needed me.
I may very well die alone, but I will not die hungry for life.