Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

You sound passive-aggressive. That doesn’t solve any issues.

How is self-care passive-aggressive?

DP - By definition "quiet" anything is passive aggressive. Direct aggressive is confronting with: "Henceforth X is what's happening, because Y and therefore Z". Announcing to the anonymous internet you're "quitting" is passive weak sauce bullshit.

You brought children into the world with a non-parent. Take full responsibility. Now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reading these posts I see a lot of valid frustrations, but I also see a total lack of empathy for your partner’s experience. Resentments are building and love is eroding, but the underlying view is I am entitled to more, their life is separate and better than mine. If you are keeping score in a marriage than you are the reason for the disconnect, nothing your partner says or does will ever even the score because only one person decides what counts and the number of points on the board. Stop thinking they are the enemy and believe they are your partner in a situation where both of you are feeling unappreciated, unheard and undervalued. This might help you fall in love again or at least start to respect each other a little bit more.

- In most of the posts, there is an underlying belief seems to be that the spouse can fix the angst they feel about life. They don’t care if they don’t change how things are, but the issue seems like perspective on life has changed from one person while the offending spouse is holding steady hoping it will change back. Not defending them, but when emotions lead, everyone loses.
- Their work is seen as a vacation from the family responsibilities, not as an investment in the family. They may feel that the current challenges are temporary and if they stay committed to the long term goals all will work out in the end.

But quiet quitting isn't about keeping score. It's about taking care of yourself and disengaging from other people's emotional responses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good Lord, just get a divorce. What is the point of all this drama?

Coparenting with divorced deadbeat = no drama?

Said no one ever.

She’s co parenting w her live husband who assists in no way


Same difference

Divorce

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reading these posts I see a lot of valid frustrations, but I also see a total lack of empathy for your partner’s experience. Resentments are building and love is eroding, but the underlying view is I am entitled to more, their life is separate and better than mine. If you are keeping score in a marriage than you are the reason for the disconnect, nothing your partner says or does will ever even the score because only one person decides what counts and the number of points on the board. Stop thinking they are the enemy and believe they are your partner in a situation where both of you are feeling unappreciated, unheard and undervalued. This might help you fall in love again or at least start to respect each other a little bit more.

- In most of the posts, there is an underlying belief seems to be that the spouse can fix the angst they feel about life. They don’t care if they don’t change how things are, but the issue seems like perspective on life has changed from one person while the offending spouse is holding steady hoping it will change back. Not defending them, but when emotions lead, everyone loses.
- Their work is seen as a vacation from the family responsibilities, not as an investment in the family. They may feel that the current challenges are temporary and if they stay committed to the long term goals all will work out in the end.

Hilarious!

You think changing my “perspective on life” is going to fix the broken garage door or help my dyslexic child or meal plan/cook, or plot out summer camps/ trips, or provide decent childcare so I can unpack the house??!

Meanwhile the other do-nothing parent freeloads, hides in his home office, ignores his children, eats dinner in 3 minutes, then walks off “to relax” and pass out by 8:30pm watching Netflix. Daily.

No emotions needed. He’s a deadweight. Lots of non-emotional data and camera feeds to back that up. Or ask the kids.

You seem to have taken that post personally, when it reads like a generalization of multiple posts. Your husband does sound completely checked out and frustrating, but the hate you have requires a change in perspective or marital status, if you don’t want ulcers or a heart attack.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reading these posts I see a lot of valid frustrations, but I also see a total lack of empathy for your partner’s experience. Resentments are building and love is eroding, but the underlying view is I am entitled to more, their life is separate and better than mine. If you are keeping score in a marriage than you are the reason for the disconnect, nothing your partner says or does will ever even the score because only one person decides what counts and the number of points on the board. Stop thinking they are the enemy and believe they are your partner in a situation where both of you are feeling unappreciated, unheard and undervalued. This might help you fall in love again or at least start to respect each other a little bit more.

- In most of the posts, there is an underlying belief seems to be that the spouse can fix the angst they feel about life. They don’t care if they don’t change how things are, but the issue seems like perspective on life has changed from one person while the offending spouse is holding steady hoping it will change back. Not defending them, but when emotions lead, everyone loses.
- Their work is seen as a vacation from the family responsibilities, not as an investment in the family. They may feel that the current challenges are temporary and if they stay committed to the long term goals all will work out in the end.

Hilarious!

You think changing my “perspective on life” is going to fix the broken garage door or help my dyslexic child or meal plan/cook, or plot out summer camps/ trips, or provide decent childcare so I can unpack the house??!

Meanwhile the other do-nothing parent freeloads, hides in his home office, ignores his children, eats dinner in 3 minutes, then walks off “to relax” and pass out by 8:30pm watching Netflix. Daily.

No emotions needed. He’s a deadweight. Lots of non-emotional data and camera feeds to back that up. Or ask the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good Lord, just get a divorce. What is the point of all this drama?

Coparenting with divorced deadbeat = no drama?

Said no one ever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reading these posts I see a lot of valid frustrations, but I also see a total lack of empathy for your partner’s experience. Resentments are building and love is eroding, but the underlying view is I am entitled to more, their life is separate and better than mine. If you are keeping score in a marriage than you are the reason for the disconnect, nothing your partner says or does will ever even the score because only one person decides what counts and the number of points on the board. Stop thinking they are the enemy and believe they are your partner in a situation where both of you are feeling unappreciated, unheard and undervalued. This might help you fall in love again or at least start to respect each other a little bit more.

- In most of the posts, there is an underlying belief seems to be that the spouse can fix the angst they feel about life. They don’t care if they don’t change how things are, but the issue seems like perspective on life has changed from one person while the offending spouse is holding steady hoping it will change back. Not defending them, but when emotions lead, everyone loses.
- Their work is seen as a vacation from the family responsibilities, not as an investment in the family. They may feel that the current challenges are temporary and if they stay committed to the long term goals all will work out in the end.

But quiet quitting isn't about keeping score. It's about taking care of yourself and disengaging from other people's emotional responses.

Getting to the point of passive aggressively quiet quitting is about years of keeping score.

You’re projecting. She isn’t passive aggressively doing anything. She’s just NOT doing things. Just because I don’t note my MILs birthday in my calendar, but a cad, ship for a gift, remind the kids to sign the card, send both ahead of time, remind DH the day of to call her etc etc isn’t being passive aggressive. It’s just… not doing all that. Your immediate jump to someone not performing domestic duties for you as “passive aggressive” and “score keeping” says more about how you treat your own spouse than OP.

DP

What you describe was never your responsibility anyway. Never. You assigned yourself this responsibility. Then you un-assigned yourself responsibility, for something that was never your business.

"I'm NOT doing the thing I was never obligated to do!"

Great. You're liberating yourself from the burdens you placed on yourself. Congratulations. You are where you should be, only angrier and more resentful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

You sound passive-aggressive. That doesn’t solve any issues.

How is self-care passive-aggressive?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reading these posts I see a lot of valid frustrations, but I also see a total lack of empathy for your partner’s experience. Resentments are building and love is eroding, but the underlying view is I am entitled to more, their life is separate and better than mine. If you are keeping score in a marriage than you are the reason for the disconnect, nothing your partner says or does will ever even the score because only one person decides what counts and the number of points on the board. Stop thinking they are the enemy and believe they are your partner in a situation where both of you are feeling unappreciated, unheard and undervalued. This might help you fall in love again or at least start to respect each other a little bit more.

- In most of the posts, there is an underlying belief seems to be that the spouse can fix the angst they feel about life. They don’t care if they don’t change how things are, but the issue seems like perspective on life has changed from one person while the offending spouse is holding steady hoping it will change back. Not defending them, but when emotions lead, everyone loses.
- Their work is seen as a vacation from the family responsibilities, not as an investment in the family. They may feel that the current challenges are temporary and if they stay committed to the long term goals all will work out in the end.

But quiet quitting isn't about keeping score. It's about taking care of yourself and disengaging from other people's emotional responses.

Getting to the point of passive aggressively quiet quitting is about years of keeping score.

You’re projecting. She isn’t passive aggressively doing anything. She’s just NOT doing things. Just because I don’t note my MILs birthday in my calendar, but a cad, ship for a gift, remind the kids to sign the card, send both ahead of time, remind DH the day of to call her etc etc isn’t being passive aggressive. It’s just… not doing all that. Your immediate jump to someone not performing domestic duties for you as “passive aggressive” and “score keeping” says more about how you treat your own spouse than OP.

DP

What you describe was never your responsibility anyway. Never. You assigned yourself this responsibility. Then you un-assigned yourself responsibility, for something that was never your business.

"I'm NOT doing the thing I was never obligated to do!"

Great. You're liberating yourself from the burdens you placed on yourself. Congratulations. You are where you should be, only angrier and more resentful.

Either way, it’s not passive aggressive and it’s a chore (like 10 in this one case) lifted off OPs shoulders. Trying to deride it as passive aggressive or score keeping is inappropriate and incorrect. If the end result is the same (ie self imposed restriction now liberated from), how can you say that’s a bad thing for op? Or did you just feel like insulting random women on the internet today?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

Wouldn't the lower earning spouse get alimony?

I'm a DH but I'm sympathetic to women wanting to stay in the labor force. But if the husband is making high income and the wife still wants to work, hiring outside help seems like a better solution. Trying to do it all or getting mad that DH who works 60-80 hours a week and earns mid to high six figures doesn't have energy to do laundry seems pointless.

Context matters. It's one thing if you're pulling long surgical shifts, but another if you're going to every conference, sports event, concert, and happy hour thrown your way. And if all you offer is a paycheck, husband or ex-husband, what's the difference, really?

Anonymous wrote:Good Lord, just get a divorce. What is the point of all this drama?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

Wouldn't the lower earning spouse get alimony?

I'm a DH but I'm sympathetic to women wanting to stay in the labor force. But if the husband is making high income and the wife still wants to work, hiring outside help seems like a better solution. Trying to do it all or getting mad that DH who works 60-80 hours a week and earns mid to high six figures doesn't have energy to do laundry seems pointless.

Context matters. It's one thing if you're pulling long surgical shifts, but another if you're going to every conference, sports event, concert, and happy hour thrown your way. And if all you offer is a paycheck, husband or ex-husband, what's the difference, really?