Anonymous wrote:It's not my choice to make. My ILs tried to pull that crap when DH and I were dating. It was not only stupid and pointless, it soured my relationship with them forever. I'm cordial to them, but as cold as ice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought it was a big deal and happily married a 1st gen man from immigrant parents. I thought most of our cultural values were actually the same, since I also had strict parents who valued saving money, education, etc.

I was so wrong. I'm in the process of getting a divorce which was instigated by my soon-to-be-former-DH. I think in hindsight I was accepted by his mom only because he didn't have other options and she was worried he would end up like his gay cousin or his autistic cousin, and she was relieved to have a win over her siblings.

What I didn't realize when I was dating him and in our marriage before kids was how much the expectations of his parents and culture informed his subconscious expectations for who I should be in our marriage and our family. DH and his family expected that once kids were involved, his role was to be a provider, and anything beyond that was my job, including supplementing our income with my own job. Only gradually did I hear little anecdotes here and there about his childhood, his parents' relationship, his dad's role, and observe his extended family interactions to see how these expectations were destroying our marriage.

Even though DH rejected many aspects of his upbringing when it was convenient, he fell comfortably into other patterns instilled by his family background, culture, and his gender role within that. He truly believes that a male adult should go to work and do whatever else he wants, and his perspective on childrearing is that a mom should do absolutely everything for her children so they can focus solely on school and their future career. He was angry at me for teaching the children how to clear a plate, prep a small meal, fold clothing out of the dryer, etc, and angry that I expected him to contribute to family and household life after he came home from work.

Dating in HS is one thing. But no matter how evolved you think a future partner might be and no matter how assimilated their family might be, you could always be fighting against cultural forces that could remain invisible to you until it's too late. I am so grateful for my children but regret my relationship and always will, but I regret marrying into a family that will never forgive me for not being a Good Chinese Girl.

My children are mixed race and straddle two different cultures so I'm not sure how I'll advise them because they're caught between generations and cultures and races. The irony is that as a white person I am the one managing their heritage language classes, cultural holidays, and cultural association participation, and I still am.

You are not alone. I’ve seen this happening with colleagues who believed they knew their South Asian spouses and their families well… until kids came into the picture and then everything changed. Wishing you strength and happiness!

Anonymous wrote:I'm Indian and married outside of my culture and religion, so of course I'd be fine with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly, none of you have/had first generation immigrant parents. The pressure was real in my house. Now, my parents couldn’t force me to marry within my religion bc of my age, but I did bc I wanted to and I found the right guy. 25 years and counting….

If your strong in your religion or care how your (eventual) kids are raised, it can very much matter. That doesn’t make anyone a racist.

I will continue to disagree with you. These folks are absolutely racist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought it was a big deal and happily married a 1st gen man from immigrant parents. I thought most of our cultural values were actually the same, since I also had strict parents who valued saving money, education, etc.

I was so wrong. I'm in the process of getting a divorce which was instigated by my soon-to-be-former-DH. I think in hindsight I was accepted by his mom only because he didn't have other options and she was worried he would end up like his gay cousin or his autistic cousin, and she was relieved to have a win over her siblings.

What I didn't realize when I was dating him and in our marriage before kids was how much the expectations of his parents and culture informed his subconscious expectations for who I should be in our marriage and our family. DH and his family expected that once kids were involved, his role was to be a provider, and anything beyond that was my job, including supplementing our income with my own job. Only gradually did I hear little anecdotes here and there about his childhood, his parents' relationship, his dad's role, and observe his extended family interactions to see how these expectations were destroying our marriage.

Even though DH rejected many aspects of his upbringing when it was convenient, he fell comfortably into other patterns instilled by his family background, culture, and his gender role within that. He truly believes that a male adult should go to work and do whatever else he wants, and his perspective on childrearing is that a mom should do absolutely everything for her children so they can focus solely on school and their future career. He was angry at me for teaching the children how to clear a plate, prep a small meal, fold clothing out of the dryer, etc, and angry that I expected him to contribute to family and household life after he came home from work.

Dating in HS is one thing. But no matter how evolved you think a future partner might be and no matter how assimilated their family might be, you could always be fighting against cultural forces that could remain invisible to you until it's too late. I am so grateful for my children but regret my relationship and always will, but I regret marrying into a family that will never forgive me for not being a Good Chinese Girl.

My children are mixed race and straddle two different cultures so I'm not sure how I'll advise them because they're caught between generations and cultures and races. The irony is that as a white person I am the one managing their heritage language classes, cultural holidays, and cultural association participation, and I still am.

You are not alone. I’ve seen this happening with colleagues who believed they knew their South Asian spouses and their families well… until kids came into the picture and then everything changed. Wishing you strength and happiness!

Anonymous wrote:I never thought it was a big deal and happily married a 1st gen man from immigrant parents. I thought most of our cultural values were actually the same, since I also had strict parents who valued saving money, education, etc.

I was so wrong. I'm in the process of getting a divorce which was instigated by my soon-to-be-former-DH. I think in hindsight I was accepted by his mom only because he didn't have other options and she was worried he would end up like his gay cousin or his autistic cousin, and she was relieved to have a win over her siblings.

What I didn't realize when I was dating him and in our marriage before kids was how much the expectations of his parents and culture informed his subconscious expectations for who I should be in our marriage and our family. DH and his family expected that once kids were involved, his role was to be a provider, and anything beyond that was my job, including supplementing our income with my own job. Only gradually did I hear little anecdotes here and there about his childhood, his parents' relationship, his dad's role, and observe his extended family interactions to see how these expectations were destroying our marriage.

Even though DH rejected many aspects of his upbringing when it was convenient, he fell comfortably into other patterns instilled by his family background, culture, and his gender role within that. He truly believes that a male adult should go to work and do whatever else he wants, and his perspective on childrearing is that a mom should do absolutely everything for her children so they can focus solely on school and their future career. He was angry at me for teaching the children how to clear a plate, prep a small meal, fold clothing out of the dryer, etc, and angry that I expected him to contribute to family and household life after he came home from work.

Dating in HS is one thing. But no matter how evolved you think a future partner might be and no matter how assimilated their family might be, you could always be fighting against cultural forces that could remain invisible to you until it's too late. I am so grateful for my children but regret my relationship and always will, but I regret marrying into a family that will never forgive me for not being a Good Chinese Girl.

My children are mixed race and straddle two different cultures so I'm not sure how I'll advise them because they're caught between generations and cultures and races. The irony is that as a white person I am the one managing their heritage language classes, cultural holidays, and cultural association participation, and I still am.

Anonymous wrote:Allow? I am not an immigrant so have no basis for this but how to do disallow an adult to do something??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, it's standard for most first gen immigrants. My immigrant South Asian parents used to say this all the time, set the expectation since we were kids. Of course, no dating in high school.

Once we went to college, working, et, they had no control. 1/3 married a South Asian person (but not at all from the same part of India, culturally very different), 2/3 married non-Indians. They had to get used to all 3 spouses, it took a second, but they adjusted and welcomed all three. I think a lot of it is just talk - from their perspective, sure, why not guide kids in a direction they prefer? Maybe it would work! It's the same way they sort of encouraged all the kids to be doctors, but they weren't actually going to force anyone to do anything. I never felt like I let them down by not being one. Only rarely do I see a family who actually follows through on any of this, and those families are nuts!

Interesting you noted this part of your lived-experience: “Of course, no dating in high school. ”

As a person outside the community, how comments is it for parents to have a “no dating in high school” rule for their children?

It just seems so odd and distant from my own youth growing up here in America.

Most South Asians who grew up in another country don’t let their kids date. Second and third generation may be different but probably depends. It wasn’t a huge deal for me because honestly no one wanted to date nerdy Indian girls in the the mostly white suburbs in the 80s.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, it's standard for most first gen immigrants. My immigrant South Asian parents used to say this all the time, set the expectation since we were kids. Of course, no dating in high school.

Once we went to college, working, et, they had no control. 1/3 married a South Asian person (but not at all from the same part of India, culturally very different), 2/3 married non-Indians. They had to get used to all 3 spouses, it took a second, but they adjusted and welcomed all three. I think a lot of it is just talk - from their perspective, sure, why not guide kids in a direction they prefer? Maybe it would work! It's the same way they sort of encouraged all the kids to be doctors, but they weren't actually going to force anyone to do anything. I never felt like I let them down by not being one. Only rarely do I see a family who actually follows through on any of this, and those families are nuts!

Interesting you noted this part of your lived-experience: “Of course, no dating in high school. ”

As a person outside the community, how comments is it for parents to have a “no dating in high school” rule for their children?

It just seems so odd and distant from my own youth growing up here in America.

Anonymous wrote:I mean, it's standard for most first gen immigrants. My immigrant South Asian parents used to say this all the time, set the expectation since we were kids. Of course, no dating in high school.

Once we went to college, working, et, they had no control. 1/3 married a South Asian person (but not at all from the same part of India, culturally very different), 2/3 married non-Indians. They had to get used to all 3 spouses, it took a second, but they adjusted and welcomed all three. I think a lot of it is just talk - from their perspective, sure, why not guide kids in a direction they prefer? Maybe it would work! It's the same way they sort of encouraged all the kids to be doctors, but they weren't actually going to force anyone to do anything. I never felt like I let them down by not being one. Only rarely do I see a family who actually follows through on any of this, and those families are nuts!