Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My adult daughter and son each are expecting this winter. I've agreed to watch my daughter's baby full time when she goes back to work as it's a fairly easy morning ride over to my house. My son and his wife live almost an hour away, so it was never even a question that I'd be able to watch their baby. They didn't ask me, but rather signed up with a daycare.

A friend made a comment that it wasn't fair that I'd be watching one baby for free while the other set of parents pays thousands a month. They can probably afford it more than my daughter and her husband can, and they haven't said anything to me, but now I'm wondering if I'm setting myself up for trouble and ideas of favoritism. Is there any way to make this fair? Should I even try?

Of course you should watch your grandchild for free.
If your other child wanted help they would have asked and they would have made it happen.
I help one child and not the other. One of my kids is fiercely independent and we all get that.

Ugh, as the child everyone says is “fiercely independent” I hate this for your “fiercely independent” child. Consider that maybe that child was socialized not to ask for help/to believe that she wasn’t allowed to need help.

Spot on! I was deemed to be “competent” one at the age of 4. My parents invite themselves on our vacations but are awol when we ask for help. I get it, it’s their life and that’s fine. The part that hurts is that they bend over backwards to help my sister.

It isn’t fair and you’ll have to live the consequences. So will your daughter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Once that DIL gets wind - prepare for distance and tension.

Good luck w that though.

This

My 82 year old mother (that’s not a typo) still harbors resentment towards her younger sister because my grandmother watched my aunt’s kids for free.

OMG yes, my mom too. In my grandmother's defense though, my mom was the oldest sibling and had kids in her mid-20s, so my grandmother was still raising kids herself when my mom had me. Much different situation 12 years later when my cousin was born. Even then my grandmother didn't watch him every day as he went to his other grandparents for part of the week. But my mom is still so resentful. Not that she's ever offered to watch my kids for more than an occaisional date night lol.

My MIL has watched SIL’s kids for 10+ years, as they are local to her. We live 2 hours away, and I wouldn’t dream of resenting her for it or expecting money to defray the costs of childcare. That seems bonkers.

What I do resent is her inability to visit us or spend time with our kids when we visit her because SIL can’t make other arrangements. Any visits there are organized around SIL’s schedule and preferences. DH feels very hurt by the dynamic, understandably.

Anonymous wrote:I think it is very inequitable and yes, there will likely be some resentment. Don't be surprised when your DIL leans on her family more and your son ends up with his ILs for holidays, etc. And you will naturally end up having a much closer relationship with your daughter's child, which is completely normal considering you'll be spending so much time together. But that difference will be very obvious at gatherings and will probably be a source of additional resentment. It's lovely that you want to help your daughter and I hope she recognizes and appreciates what you are giving her. If I were in your shoes and I had the means, I would say to my son "I'm going to give you guys $xxx a month for the next two years to help with daycare. I'm helping Lisa with her baby, but I want to help you too." It will go a long way to making it not feel so much like you have a favorite.

Wtf you can’t be serious, can you?


Op, you need to tell your nosy busy body friend to butt out of it. But offering to babysit your son‘s kids for weekends or making yourself available for a date night would be a very nice and even things out.

Anonymous wrote:Omg - why did you agree to this? You will be exhausted. I would only offer this for 3 months.

I did it for 7 years, with a long drive. I miss it.

We're in a similar situation with my MIL - she watches my nearby SIL's child every day, we live an hour away and have always paid for childcare (though our son is two years older than his cousin). I can't say we've ever felt resentment or thought that there was favoritism at play. We know it's not feasible given the distance, and honestly, the free childcare comes with other strings attached that we didn't necessarily want. We are comfortable paying, while my SIL and her husband make a lot less.

I think my MIL might feel a bit guilty about this, and I think she tries to compensate by wanting to see our son more on weekends.

We had a similar situation. There wasn't resentment specifically about daycare but that my parents were so tied down and exhausted by being full time child care providers that it impacted the rest of their lives. As much as my mother wanted to do it (or felt she should do it), it still felt like my sibling was taking advantage of them as it took all their time and energy and greatly limited what else they were involved with. Also since my sibling wasn't paying them, there was little benefit to my parents - just using up their resources.

It also meant that my parents were very close to that grandchild who had their own room at my parents house. Slowly over time a divide happened and it caused a lot of tension and resentment. It didn't cause any huge fights, it just caused distance in relationships and I would say meant the family isn't as close as they might have been.

Anonymous wrote:I would, because that means this child will get better care - if the alternative is daycare center, you need to step up. You’ll be grateful that you did.

Oh my goodness. With the benefit of hindsight of both of my kids being in the care of mom/Dad, MIL/FIL and an excellent daycare as infants and babies, I say hands down, the best care they received was from daycare. Not to mention the socialization with other babies and toddlers. My goodness, that's especially true in the case of useless FIL and therefore overwhelmed MIL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My adult daughter and son each are expecting this winter. I've agreed to watch my daughter's baby full time when she goes back to work as it's a fairly easy morning ride over to my house. My son and his wife live almost an hour away, so it was never even a question that I'd be able to watch their baby. They didn't ask me, but rather signed up with a daycare.

A friend made a comment that it wasn't fair that I'd be watching one baby for free while the other set of parents pays thousands a month. They can probably afford it more than my daughter and her husband can, and they haven't said anything to me, but now I'm wondering if I'm setting myself up for trouble and ideas of favoritism. Is there any way to make this fair? Should I even try?

Of course you should watch your grandchild for free.
If your other child wanted help they would have asked and they would have made it happen.
I help one child and not the other. One of my kids is fiercely independent and we all get that.

Ugh, as the child everyone says is “fiercely independent” I hate this for your “fiercely independent” child. Consider that maybe that child was socialized not to ask for help/to believe that she wasn’t allowed to need help.

+100 Fiercely independent kid here, which in my family simply translates to "your sister needs help" or "your brother is in a bad way right now". This is the start of almost every conversation: the boundaries have been set and they amount to no energy left for whatever I called about.

Ugh. Yes. My MIL and Step FIL are always helping whatever kid is currently most in need. Visiting, offering money, helping out with various tasks, you name it. That's all well and good- except 20 years later DH has never be the kid most in need. It doesn't always "all come out in the wash." It isn't that things need to be perfectly equal... but shouldn't there be some balance?