Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell us the topic.

OP here. I won't get specific, but she mentions a popular childhood book series she enjoyed. And she relates it back to her own life in a cheesy way. I can't think of a way to make it less cheesy, and I also don't think it relates to her life in a in a helpful or interesting way.

The actual writing/grammar is fine. The college counselor and teacher had her add more personal details, but I think the topic is just really cringey.

Have you read Johns Hopkins or other schools’ “Essays that Worked?” I think they are all “cheesy” and unoriginal. (I graduated with an English major and worked in corporate communications.) I like your daughter’s idea and I think it can be original and interesting, if done well.

The main thing schools want to see is that the essay reveals something about your child. Don’t worry about the topic, but you can point out specific instances where the writing is too trite, precious or “cheesy.”

Anonymous wrote:Use a bad news sandwich:

“You’ve worked really hard on your essay but I’m concerned the topic doesn’t fit the rest of your application. You should either add more vulnerability or pick a new topic (or whatever). It doesn’t highlight what makes you an awesome & unique candidate for their school.”

It is ultimately her journey so if she’s like “suck it, old lady”, I’d drop it.

I agree with this. I had to do this with my DD, who sounds similar: very high stats, not used to getting much critical feedback. The angle I took was to validate her reasons for writing the original draft and then talk with her about purpose of this essay - to give the AO's a sense of connection with you as a person and window into qualities you possess that they'd want in a member of their community. We are close and don't usually have much conflict, but there were some tears and anger over this feedback, as well as resentment over the prospect of doing more work. But she ultimately accepted the feedback and and worked through a couple more drafts, more frustration, and then spun out a killer essay on her third try. The added benefit is that she has now carried this learning forward for her supplementals and is much more willing to go through some drafting and reworking of those.

That said, if she'd just told me to back off after hearing the initial feedback, I'd have dropped it!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is going to be mad and cry.

But it's really really bad. Her grades/SATs/rigor are tippity top. Her essay is terrible and doesn't say that much about her.

Do we just rip the bandaid and tell her? Any tips on phrasing or what to say?

I was you last year.

I told DC that it is pretty bad. The one popular admissions counselor we had it reviewed with came back with this feedback: "strongly recommend picking another topic and rewriting the personal essay". DC did not want to change, but added a couple more introspective sentences.

In at a HYPSM and 4 other T20 schools.

Just try to make sure it tells something about her. If she cares about the essay topic it comes out in the essay.

How much weight are essays even given? There is no way to know who actually writes them. DD's isn't amazing but I think it does let the reader know a little something about her and it doesn't sound like ChatGPT.

Essays are important but personal essay is the least important part of the application. This is also where it seems the vast majority of the applicants spend a lot of their time on.

Essays don't matter a lot outside the top 25 schools. But for the highly selective universities with single digit admission rates, they matter a lot. Nearly everyone applying to Princeton and Duke and the like has outstanding stats and ECs. Essays are the place where you can get an admissions reader to champion a student at the table where they decide these things. A well written essay goes a long way when it comes to distinguishing a student from the gazillion other high stats applicants.

The essay might not matter at UVA or UMD. But it will make a big difference at Brown and Yale and the other highly selective schools. And they can tell if something was written with Chatgpt. They read 40,000+ essays a year. They can tell what's authentic and what's not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is going to be mad and cry.

But it's really really bad. Her grades/SATs/rigor are tippity top. Her essay is terrible and doesn't say that much about her.

Do we just rip the bandaid and tell her? Any tips on phrasing or what to say?

I was you last year.

I told DC that it is pretty bad. The one popular admissions counselor we had it reviewed with came back with this feedback: "strongly recommend picking another topic and rewriting the personal essay". DC did not want to change, but added a couple more introspective sentences.

In at a HYPSM and 4 other T20 schools.

Just try to make sure it tells something about her. If she cares about the essay topic it comes out in the essay.

How much weight are essays even given? There is no way to know who actually writes them. DD's isn't amazing but I think it does let the reader know a little something about her and it doesn't sound like ChatGPT.

Essays are important but personal essay is the least important part of the application. This is also where it seems the vast majority of the applicants spend a lot of their time on.

It depends on the college.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most I would say as a parent is something like “what are you trying to convey about yourself here?” Otherwise, see if she can shop it around to more trusted adults outside the family. You are too emotionally attached to the process and your opinion might not be as widely shared as you presume.

OP here. I actually think you boiled down my biggest objection. She doesn't say that much about herself, and what she does say is not very personal or introspective. I think she needs to talk less about the book series and instead just use it to introduce the rest of what she wants to say, then circle back to it at the end.

I am in independent college counselor. This is good advice, OP. You'd be helping her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is going to be mad and cry.

But it's really really bad. Her grades/SATs/rigor are tippity top. Her essay is terrible and doesn't say that much about her.

Do we just rip the bandaid and tell her? Any tips on phrasing or what to say?

I was you last year.

I told DC that it is pretty bad. The one popular admissions counselor we had it reviewed with came back with this feedback: "strongly recommend picking another topic and rewriting the personal essay". DC did not want to change, but added a couple more introspective sentences.

In at a HYPSM and 4 other T20 schools.

Just try to make sure it tells something about her. If she cares about the essay topic it comes out in the essay.

How much weight are essays even given? There is no way to know who actually writes them. DD's isn't amazing but I think it does let the reader know a little something about her and it doesn't sound like ChatGPT.

Essays are important but personal essay is the least important part of the application. This is also where it seems the vast majority of the applicants spend a lot of their time on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter’s first essay was about her summer camp. It was funny, engaging, and superbly written. Her college counselor liked it a lot and had no real feedback.

So I had to be the harsh critic. I told her that while the essay was good, it didn’t reveal much about her. And it was hard to pin down the main point/theme. Given that AOs spend less than 5 mins on the personal essay, the main point should be very clear.

To her credit, DD listened, scrapped the essay, and started from scratch with another one. The second essay was equally well written, but it was also cohesive.

She got in ED to her dream (top 10) school.

That’s great writing practice, but the fact is you have no idea if she would’ve gotten in with the first essay, too.

True. That said, I had no qualms telling her what I thought. If she had decided to stick to the first one, it would have been fine with me. But she writes super fast (each essay too about 1-2 hours), so the cost of doing a second essay is small.

This is why America is in the position it is in

Stop OP just stop

This is your kids Essay not yours

You changing this essay will do more damage

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is going to be mad and cry.

But it's really really bad. Her grades/SATs/rigor are tippity top. Her essay is terrible and doesn't say that much about her.

Do we just rip the bandaid and tell her? Any tips on phrasing or what to say?

I was you last year.

I told DC that it is pretty bad. The one popular admissions counselor we had it reviewed with came back with this feedback: "strongly recommend picking another topic and rewriting the personal essay". DC did not want to change, but added a couple more introspective sentences.

In at a HYPSM and 4 other T20 schools.

Just try to make sure it tells something about her. If she cares about the essay topic it comes out in the essay.

How much weight are essays even given? There is no way to know who actually writes them. DD's isn't amazing but I think it does let the reader know a little something about her and it doesn't sound like ChatGPT.

I had to tell my daughter that she needed to go in another direction. There were tears. She wrote about the 3 big 'nope' topics- loss of a family member, depression/mental health, and overcoming a challenge to win the Big Sports Thing. I simply told her, 'this is a beautiful, heartfelt essay. We're going to keep a copy of it because you obviously poured a lot of energy into it, but we want you to write another essay and show both of them to your college counselor at school. Let them guide your process, but know that there are certain topics that you probably should steer clear of." She's almost done with an updated version, went in a new direction altogether which we think will be better received by AOs. I think the essays do matter, and it's up to us as parents to give our kids honest feedback, even if it causes stress and tears- there's a lot riding on this.

Anonymous wrote:She is going to be mad and cry.

But it's really really bad. Her grades/SATs/rigor are tippity top. Her essay is terrible and doesn't say that much about her.

Do we just rip the bandaid and tell her? Any tips on phrasing or what to say?

I was you last year.

I told DC that it is pretty bad. The one popular admissions counselor we had it reviewed with came back with this feedback: "strongly recommend picking another topic and rewriting the personal essay". DC did not want to change, but added a couple more introspective sentences.

In at a HYPSM and 4 other T20 schools.

Just try to make sure it tells something about her. If she cares about the essay topic it comes out in the essay.

OP- did you tell her? What happened?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell us the topic.

OP here. I won't get specific, but she mentions a popular childhood book series she enjoyed. And she relates it back to her own life in a cheesy way. I can't think of a way to make it less cheesy, and I also don't think it relates to her life in a in a helpful or interesting way.

The actual writing/grammar is fine. The college counselor and teacher had her add more personal details, but I think the topic is just really cringey.

I stand corrected. It does stink.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd have her show it to her counselor or English teacher or whoever she has to review her essay.

She has, to both of those people. They have made edits/suggestions but neither has said that the actual topic stinks.

Have you considered the possibility that it doesn't stink?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell us the topic.

OP here. I won't get specific, but she mentions a popular childhood book series she enjoyed. And she relates it back to her own life in a cheesy way. I can't think of a way to make it less cheesy, and I also don't think it relates to her life in a in a helpful or interesting way.

The actual writing/grammar is fine. The college counselor and teacher had her add more personal details, but I think the topic is just really cringey.

Have you read a lot of examples? I have read about 65 personal statements and they are all cringy.