Anonymous wrote:A lot of second wives were first wives, once upon a time.

I know middle aged men have a revolting tendency to leave their same age wives and shack up with younger women. But not all of them do that. Some of them meet and marry other same-age divorced women. Men don't just leave to find someone younger or prettier. Shallow men do that, sure. But not all of us are shallow.

I left my ex-wife because I realized at a certain point that I had never truly been in love with her, and had deferred to her on a hundred little things over the years because she would get so angry when I disagree that it never seemed worth trying to continue to push for what I wanted. She hated my job though it paid 3/4 of our expenses, had no interest in my interests and generally acted like I was a bit of an annoyance to her. She worked only part time even though she was repeatedly offered full-time work at higher pay, and I often asked her to take on more. We shared housework and childcare. We had plenty of happy times together, despite all this. We were good as co-parents, we took some great trips with the kids, we had comfortable evenings watching TV together. But there was no passion. She lost interest in sex early on. I finally suggested opening the marriage and she agreed, but then was furious at me when I spent time with other women. We closed the marriage again. The kids grew up and moved out. We stayed together.

It took me years to realize that I just wasn't happy. I felt like life was passing me by. And I felt like she and I never developed healthy relationship skills. I would try to raise an issue, she would yell at me, and I would back off and mope. I blame myself for this as much as I blame her. But the fact was, although we cared about each other and in many ways I like and respect her, I was just sad all the time. Still, I knew she would be devastated if I left. All our friends were mutual friends. I love her family. It felt like if I left, I would be blowing everything up.

It did take meeting someone else to prod me into making a change. I guess you would call it an emotional affair. But it made me realize how much was missing from my marriage. It took me another two years to work up the courage to tell my ex I wanted to separate. Her reaction was rage and insistance that I "owed it" to her to stay, not dismay or curiosity, which reinforced my decision. Honestly if her reaction had been, "I am so shocked and dismayed to realize how unhappy you've been. Could you help me understand why you feel so unhappy, because I would like to work on our marriage together?" I might have reconsidered and stayed. But her anger crystalized things for me.

So I left! I started dating the woman I had grown close to, who is my own age and also has grown kids form her first marriage, and got divorced, and got remarried, and that was seven years ago. My ex is still bitter. But my only regret is that I did not try harder, earlier to confront the problems in that marriage. If I had, maybe we could have improved it, or maybe we would just have divorced earlier, but either way, I would not have spent nearly two decades of my life in marital purgatory.

So please don't assume the man is the evil one here! I'm not saying the wife is, either. Just that life is complicated.

Anonymous wrote:To the poster who thinks Esther Perel is pro-cheating: what planet are you on??

She says cheating is sometimes indicative of deep underlying marital issues that have not been addressed (or in some cases, that cannot be addressed), and she has empathy for many people who cheat. But she is very clear that it is a devastating betrayal and a terrible response to marital issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:File for divorce and move on.

No.

Pull a Hillary Clinton.

Move half the assets into an irrevocable trust for the kids.

Never file for divorce. But be ready with everything (split remaining assets, etc) and make him do everything.

Obviously write him off in your head.

Say more on this please where do I get this instruction manual ?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married for 28 years, two grown kids, and eight months ago DH dropped a bombshell on me, said he was unhappy and wanted to separate. I knew there were some issues, like mismatched libido (his high, mine low) and maybe we argue a lot about stupid stuff. But I thought we were committed. Anyway he moved out saying it was a "trial" separation but he wanted to be able to see other people and I should too, not that I wanted to. So then like a month ago he says he is not moving back, he wants to stay separated, and also he is dating someone seriously.

I know who she is an I am 99.9% sure he was cheating on me with her even before he moved out. I asked him when this started and he refused to answer, saying we are now separated and he's not going to let me give him the third degree. I am so angry I want to tear his limbs off. If he had any respect for me at all he would come clean about what he has been doing. He refused to do therapy with me or anything and I think it is because he knew all along he wanted out and has been sleeping around. I am still committed to the marriage but he is a lying s*ht.

I want to call his new GF and demand to know when this started. And I wonder if his GF even knows he was lying to me. Or if he has been lying to her, telling her our marriage was over before we even separated. I don't know if she helped him cheat on prupose or he lied to her too. And I think I should tell our kids exactly what their dad has been doing.

I talked about all this with my sister though and she is saying no, do not contact the new girlfriend, do not talk to the kids, accept that this is over and move on with grace and dignity.

Part of me wonders if she is right? But another part of me wants to burn his whole f*ing life down. He does not deserve to have his children's respect.

So in this marriage, you spent your time arguing about "stupid stuff" and you don't have happy sex and love each other.

Someone was going to check out the moment the kids were out of the house. Either you or the husband.

We live once. The husband wants more life. And you wanted stasis and endless tension and stress and boredom.

The girlfriend is irrelevant. This was a broken marriage with no joy or companionship.

Don't be pathetic and engage with the new girlfriend. The priority now is making sure the kids are good, and taking care of your financial situation. The marriage is done.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:File for divorce and move on.

No.

Pull a Hillary Clinton.

Move half the assets into an irrevocable trust for the kids.

Never file for divorce. But be ready with everything (split remaining assets, etc) and make him do everything.

Obviously write him off in your head.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:File for divorce and move on.

No.

Pull a Hillary Clinton.

Move half the assets into an irrevocable trust for the kids.

Never file for divorce. But be ready with everything (split remaining assets, etc) and make him do everything.

Obviously write him off in your head.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe if she was less of an asexual shrew he'd have stayed? Doesn't the wife bear any responsibility for making a marriage work?

It's a marriage, not a life sentence.

Why do people then vow "as long as we both shall live" if they are not contemplating a permanent arrangement?

Okay, yeah, let's turn the clock back a few hundred years and prohibit divorce. Better still, let's stone all the adulterers, or at least make them wear a scarlet letter.

Thankfully, in this century, people are allowed to leave a marriage that's not working.

Anonymous wrote:File for divorce and move on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe if she was less of an asexual shrew he'd have stayed? Doesn't the wife bear any responsibility for making a marriage work?

It's a marriage, not a life sentence.

Why do people then vow "as long as we both shall live" if they are not contemplating a permanent arrangement?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe if she was less of an asexual shrew he'd have stayed? Doesn't the wife bear any responsibility for making a marriage work?

It's a marriage, not a life sentence.

Why do people then vow "as long as we both shall live" if they are not contemplating a permanent arrangement?

I haven't been to a wedding yet that had those words subtracted from the vows.

That is why some people expect permanence in imperfect situations.

I also believe there's a second decision point after marriage when people decide to have kids. People need to still be all in on the marriage at that point. My son had a bunch of friends whose parents were getting divorced when they were in kindergarten. I always wondered how people could flip their attitudes around so drastically within 5 years. I know little kids are hard. But still...