Anonymous
Post 08/31/2025 05:15     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:Relationships built on “usefulness” are not good relationships. Accusing your of using your kids for photographs and nothing more is more telling of your character than theirs. You sound spoiled and immature, unable to provide for your own kids.


The grandparents are building their relationship based on usefulness. They only come to take photos to stay a couple of hours a year and pretend they have a good relationship. They weigh each hour they spend on how useful it is to their life. OP feels used which is probably why she's saying they are useless. They are both using each other I suppose because there is no love to take the place. When you love someone relationship aren't this transactional and no one feels used because each person respects the boundaries someone sets and in the space in between they are there to love, not solely to get something out of the interaction.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2025 00:05     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.


I am expecting too much of them to be involved or even care about my grandkids at all?? That seems like a very low bar. I was not expecting them to do everything for me, but they are not even making an effort at all. I cannot rely on them for literally anything and they have the nerve to suggest that I should spend money on a nanny when they can’t even come for the weekend (occasionally) to help out. Thats fine if they don’t have money to help out, but they should. criticize me for not spending 4K+ a month on childcare when they are unwilling to help.


It sounds like you assumed that they would change the way they live because you decided to have kids. It also sounds like you may not be able to afford enough childcare. They are in no way responsible for providing childcare or showing love for you in this particular way. If they were irresponsible in how they raised you, that is something else.

If you actually need their help, financially or with childcare, try nicely and directly telling them your struggles and asking for their help.

I had a lopsided situation like yours. I did not like it. But I had to appreciate my parents for the role they played and not the one I wish they played.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2025 23:51     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your parents are not your free babysitters. They already raised their kids. Stop expecting them to do your work for you. You had the kids, you raise them. We never had help with our kids from the grandparents due to their age and health issues. That doesn't mean they didn't love their grandchildren. Grandparents should just be able to spend time enjoying their grandkids.


I get so tired of this argument. I think OP needs to be grateful for her ILs and drop the rope with her parents, but also she's clearly not looking for free babysitting or for her parents to raise her kids. She's looking for involved grandparents who want to have meaningful relationships with their grandchildren and be a part of the family. That is totally understandable.

I've literally never asked my parents to babysit for us, it's not on my radar. But my dad has ZERO interest in my kids and I think it's sad. He wants to be adored as a grandpa (and will express upset or anger if my kids don't greet him super enthusiastically or give him hugs when he wants them), but he's literally never asked either of my kids a single question about themselves or made any effort to get to know them.

He was also like this as a father, I think he's just a self absorbed person who doesn't have the empathy or communication skills to have real relationships. I have accepted this and moved on, but that doesn't mean that if I expressed disappointment in this situation it would mean I expect my dad to raise my kids for me or that I'm just pouting about not getting free childcare.

Once I took my kids out to a restaurant with my dad and the waitress just kind of fell in love with my kids (they were at particularly cute stages and were being extra charming that day) and I watched her joke with them and dote on them while my dad was oblivious to the whole thing and I remember just thinking it was so sad that this complete stranger was having a more rewarding interaction with my kids (on both sides) than my dad had ever had. I think that's what OP is expressing here.


Thank you finally someone understandsp my situation. It’s just disappointing. When they come to vsist on a rare occasion, they spend 90% of their time not with grandkids and then just take Instagram photos of my kids. It’s basically like they are using my house a free hotel when NBA and PGA events are nearby, then pretend like they are here for the grandkids.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2025 23:44     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Relationships built on “usefulness” are not good relationships. Accusing your of using your kids for photographs and nothing more is more telling of your character than theirs. You sound spoiled and immature, unable to provide for your own kids.


If what you're available for as a grandparent is occasionally showing up and taking photos, and you have no interest or ability to be helpful, that's a boundary you're allowed to set. But you don't get to control whether your child notices that and has opinions about it.


That's called being a terrible grandparent and parent.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2025 19:44     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:Relationships built on “usefulness” are not good relationships. Accusing your of using your kids for photographs and nothing more is more telling of your character than theirs. You sound spoiled and immature, unable to provide for your own kids.


If what you're available for as a grandparent is occasionally showing up and taking photos, and you have no interest or ability to be helpful, that's a boundary you're allowed to set. But you don't get to control whether your child notices that and has opinions about it.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2025 19:10     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:
OP keep it real. You ONLY like those in laws more than your own parents as they’re paying your way.

Stop with the “ they insist” Gigs up User.


+1. OP is so transparent.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2025 19:06     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(

OP keep it real. You ONLY like those in laws more than your own parents as they’re paying your way.

Stop with the “ they insist” Gigs up User.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2025 18:06     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.


+1. You should have discussed your child care plans and jobs they would have before you had kids if they were supposed to be part of the plan. Other than that-some grandparents ARE disengaged and that does suck. You want them to care so much/LIVE for their grandkids like some grandparents do. But not everyone is that way and sometimes that's not health either.

But you can't get blood from a stone, so change your expectations to what falls in line with their actual behaviour.

PS stop feeding your inlaws info/your verbals and/or non-verbals about your parents. They are feeding off that and are now also apparently acting entitled. They should just feel sneakily lucky that they don't have to share the grandkids- UNLESS they too actually want to be off the hook and DON'T actually want to have to be stepping up as much as they apparently have been.

I think you and DH may need to rethink how much you are having others help you out. Possibly assess your overspending if you are having an issue affording paid child care.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2025 16:24     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why do you need so much financial help


I don't need financial help, his parents are just insistent on providing help. They would be very upset if we did not accept it. We save 30%+ of our salary (not including retirement accounts). They don't let us pay for groceries, gave us a downpayment for our house, will pay off mortgage soon, put money in kids 529 accounts.




Did anyone not notice that this is not normal??? You're completely enmeshed and for some reason assume that this behavior is grandparent gold standard. I don't know anyone, and I mean anyone, whose parents/ ILs are paying for their groceries. It seems that your ILs are controlling everything about your life and for some reason you consider this normal. Your parents are fine. In fact I'd love if my parents/ILs went out to eat when they come to visit instead of sitting on the living room couch and expect to be served. If your ILs cook and change diapers, what are you doing?


We all contribute. They take care of the kids while we are working. They go out to eat because they are rude and wont eat the meals my ILs cook.


Wait do your in laws live you or are they there everyday during the week instead of a nanny? Why would your in laws be cooking dinner in your house when your parents are there?
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2025 14:27     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why do you need so much financial help


I don't need financial help, his parents are just insistent on providing help. They would be very upset if we did not accept it. We save 30%+ of our salary (not including retirement accounts). They don't let us pay for groceries, gave us a downpayment for our house, will pay off mortgage soon, put money in kids 529 accounts.




Did anyone not notice that this is not normal??? You're completely enmeshed and for some reason assume that this behavior is grandparent gold standard. I don't know anyone, and I mean anyone, whose parents/ ILs are paying for their groceries. It seems that your ILs are controlling everything about your life and for some reason you consider this normal. Your parents are fine. In fact I'd love if my parents/ILs went out to eat when they come to visit instead of sitting on the living room couch and expect to be served. If your ILs cook and change diapers, what are you doing?


We all contribute. They take care of the kids while we are working. They go out to eat because they are rude and wont eat the meals my ILs cook.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2025 14:17     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why do you need so much financial help


I don't need financial help, his parents are just insistent on providing help. They would be very upset if we did not accept it. We save 30%+ of our salary (not including retirement accounts). They don't let us pay for groceries, gave us a downpayment for our house, will pay off mortgage soon, put money in kids 529 accounts.


Did anyone not notice that this is not normal??? You're completely enmeshed and for some reason assume that this behavior is grandparent gold standard. I don't know anyone, and I mean anyone, whose parents/ ILs are paying for their groceries. It seems that your ILs are controlling everything about your life and for some reason you consider this normal. Your parents are fine. In fact I'd love if my parents/ILs went out to eat when they come to visit instead of sitting on the living room couch and expect to be served. If your ILs cook and change diapers, what are you doing?
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2025 13:50     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:Describing your parents as “useless” says it all. Honey your parents do not work for you and do not owe you money to raise your children. Perhaps your parents don’t want to spend their golden years providing free childcare? Your ILs are obviously very generous with their time and money. It sounds like your parents do love their grandkids, they visit and want to spend time with them. You want to put them to work and take their money to prove their love and usefulness. You my dear are the awful one. I feel sorry for your parents.


Americans have terrible values. There is no sense of family here. The kids are not zoo animals and they don't exist just for my parents to take photos of them AND. then leave. Seriously, how would you feel if your kids were born and your dad only visits them for two hours the first time he meets them then he leaves for a week long vacation. This happened to me when my kids were born. He literally doesn't care about them at all and then he post on social media about how much he loves the grandkids and pretends like he is a great grandparent.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2025 13:49     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:Your parents are not your free babysitters. They already raised their kids. Stop expecting them to do your work for you. You had the kids, you raise them. We never had help with our kids from the grandparents due to their age and health issues. That doesn't mean they didn't love their grandchildren. Grandparents should just be able to spend time enjoying their grandkids.


I get so tired of this argument. I think OP needs to be grateful for her ILs and drop the rope with her parents, but also she's clearly not looking for free babysitting or for her parents to raise her kids. She's looking for involved grandparents who want to have meaningful relationships with their grandchildren and be a part of the family. That is totally understandable.

I've literally never asked my parents to babysit for us, it's not on my radar. But my dad has ZERO interest in my kids and I think it's sad. He wants to be adored as a grandpa (and will express upset or anger if my kids don't greet him super enthusiastically or give him hugs when he wants them), but he's literally never asked either of my kids a single question about themselves or made any effort to get to know them.

He was also like this as a father, I think he's just a self absorbed person who doesn't have the empathy or communication skills to have real relationships. I have accepted this and moved on, but that doesn't mean that if I expressed disappointment in this situation it would mean I expect my dad to raise my kids for me or that I'm just pouting about not getting free childcare.

Once I took my kids out to a restaurant with my dad and the waitress just kind of fell in love with my kids (they were at particularly cute stages and were being extra charming that day) and I watched her joke with them and dote on them while my dad was oblivious to the whole thing and I remember just thinking it was so sad that this complete stranger was having a more rewarding interaction with my kids (on both sides) than my dad had ever had. I think that's what OP is expressing here.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2025 13:03     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
OP, how involved were your grandparents? Either side? Were they more like your parents or your in-laws when you were a child?
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2025 12:14     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Relationships built on “usefulness” are not good relationships. Accusing your of using your kids for photographs and nothing more is more telling of your character than theirs. You sound spoiled and immature, unable to provide for your own kids.