For those of you who remarried with kids, how did you determine your new partner wasn’t an abuser?

You simply can't. This is the reason my mom never remarried. She wasn't going to take any chances with the safety of me or my sister.

This kind of discussion hilights the contradictions in the kind of highly politicized academic progressive feminism that is often displayed in NY Times "think pieces."

On the one hand, they advocate for 100% female autonomy, which is an admirable objective.

However, autonomy is de-linked from also having responsibility for the outcomes of those autonomous choices.

But the two go hand in hand. 100% autonomy means 100% ownership of outcomes. Outcomes can be good or bad. Radical progressive feminism disavows ownership of negative consequences.

Therefore it's a logical fail.

People who actually internalize full responsibility for outcomes are EXTREMELY cautious in doing what they can to avoid really bad outcomes. That's why many commenters insist it is not worth the risk to the children for a single mom to date until the children are older. Even if the chance of abuse happening is very small, it's too much of a risk. So no dating. Full stop.

Its why radical progressives love Mamdani. They don't perceive themselves as being responsible for or suffering any bad consequences if he becomes Mayor.

Whereas people who actually have families to raise and businesses to run are starting to seriously contemplate relocating our of New York City should Mamdani win.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daughter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

Yes, that's the "rule" in my circle, too. why do you need to be married or even living together? Have trysts in nice hotels or the guest house. Leave your kids out of it.

I was sexually abused by my stepfather. I had no idea how common it was. I had no idea people KNEW how common it was. I wish my mother had.

Sadly, many single moms are so desperate to get another man, any man, that they will ignore the obvious red flags either consciously or unconsciously and expose their children to predators in exchange for the predators companionship and financial support. Then they live in denial of the horrible abuse that they themselves enabled.

Is this a commonly known fact? I am the daughter of a widowed mother and had no idea.

Yes. Part of it is because the single moms aren't marrying these guys for love or attraction but for expedience. So deep down and again maybe at an unconscious level, the screwed up thinking is if the stepdad is attracted to the stepchild there will be less in the way of sexual and emotional demands placed on the mother. There is also resentment of the child by its mom involved. In a way the mom is pimping the child to the stepfather. Meanwhile the mom ignores all the creepy warning signs.

No, I think this is a very cynical view of mothers. I think they are paralyzed by the horror of what they've done, and sometimes they have no access to money to escape and are completely dependent on their new spouse. Predators prey on weak and very vulnerable women. Very few mothers would pimp their daughters in the way you've described. Most would throw themselves in front of a bus to save their child.

My late mother would like a word. Her mother blamed her when she told her about stepfather molesting her. She acted liked she didn't believe it and then branded her as a s l ut. He molested my mom from ages 3 to 13.

Anonymous wrote:I’m a widow with a 6 year old daughter. My current partner would like to get married. I love him and think he’s wonderful. Something that gives me pause is that as a child one of my aunts married a pedophile who ended up abusing her kids. I don’t want to introduce anything like that to my kid.

For those of you who remarried with kids, how did you determine your new partner wasn’t an abuser?

Why not spend more time getting to know him?

Vetting not betting

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Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

yes that's the "rule" in my circle too. why do you need to be married or even living together? Have trysts in nice hotels or the guest house. Leave your kids out of it.

I was sexually abused by my stepfather. I had no idea how common it was. I had no idea people KNEW how common it was. I wish my mother had.

Sadly, many single moms are so desperate to get another man, any man, that they will ignore the obvious red flags either consciously or unconsciously and expose their children to predators in exchange for the predators companionship and financial support. Then they live in denial of the horrible abuse that they themselves enabled.

Is this a commonly known fact? I am the daughter of a widowed mother and had no idea.

Yes. Part of it is because the single moms aren't marrying these guys for love or attraction but for expedience. So deep down and again maybe at an unconscious level, the screwed up thinking is if the stepdad is attracted to the stepchild there will be less in the way of sexual and emotional demands placed on the mother. There is also resentment of the child by its mom involved. In a way the mom is pimping the child to the stepfather. Meanwhile the mom ignores all the creepy warning signs.

What you describe here is not common. Not in healthy people. It’s pathological.

No one is saying it's healthy. The problem is when you marry or partner up with someone you don't just expose your child to that person. They are usually exposed to other members of that person's extended family too.

A lot of the dating process nowadays is completely inorganic. Relationships are made with people who are total strangers and get serious very quickly.

It's not gender based and it's not just sexual offenses a single parent has to be concerned about.

The prospective step daddy can be abusive or irresponsible or harmful to the child in a number of other ways. Vice versa is true too but I think it's much more a concern for single moms than single dads.

Theres a reason a nuclear family with the mom staying at home and watching over the kids like a hawk was an idealized template for so long. Just like there's reasons courtship used to be an involved betting process and still is in some cultures.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daughter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

Yes, that's the "rule" in my circle, too. why do you need to be married or even living together? Have trysts in nice hotels or the guest house. Leave your kids out of it.

I was sexually abused by my stepfather. I had no idea how common it was. I had no idea people KNEW how common it was. I wish my mother had.

Sadly, many single moms are so desperate to get another man, any man, that they will ignore the obvious red flags either consciously or unconsciously and expose their children to predators in exchange for the predators companionship and financial support. Then they live in denial of the horrible abuse that they themselves enabled.

Is this a commonly known fact? I am the daughter of a widowed mother and had no idea.

Yes. Part of it is because the single moms aren't marrying these guys for love or attraction but for expedience. So deep down and again maybe at an unconscious level, the screwed up thinking is if the stepdad is attracted to the stepchild there will be less in the way of sexual and emotional demands placed on the mother. There is also resentment of the child by its mom involved. In a way the mom is pimping the child to the stepfather. Meanwhile the mom ignores all the creepy warning signs.

No, I think this is a very cynical view of mothers. I think they are paralyzed by the horror of what they've done, and sometimes they have no access to money to escape and are completely dependent on their new spouse. Predators prey on weak and very vulnerable women. Very few mothers would pimp their daughters in the way you've described. Most would throw themselves in front of a bus to save their child.

It's not really any more or less cynical than viewing all males as potential abusers. It's just the other side of the same coin.

And the confirmation is provided in this thread. The OP is a single mom who is actually contemplating marriage or moving in with a man even though she herself is unsure whether he is an abuser or not.

A little more financial pressure, a little more loneliness and neediness and maybe she wouldn't even bother to ask these questions as the answers might not be conducive to the relationship.

Single moms as a group are notoriously irresponsible and selfish. At least the ones who are actively on the dating market with the intent of landing themselves w.step daddy. I'm not talking about the single moms who recognize the risks and commit to not exposing their minor children to them. Many in this thread express the idea of waiting until the child is at least in college to seriously date. That's not desired, it's recognized as an unfortunate necessity by responsible single moms.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

yes that's the "rule" in my circle too. why do you need to be married or even living together? Have trysts in nice hotels or the guest house. Leave your kids out of it.

I was sexually abused by my stepfather. I had no idea how common it was. I had no idea people KNEW how common it was. I wish my mother had.

Sadly, many single moms are so desperate to get another man, any man, that they will ignore the obvious red flags either consciously or unconsciously and expose their children to predators in exchange for the predators companionship and financial support. Then they live in denial of the horrible abuse that they themselves enabled.

This.

The abuse levels when a non-biological male are in the home are very very high.

My mother waited to remarry until after my siblings and I were grown and I have always appreciated that she did that.

So many women are desperate for financial support or companionship and predators smell it miles away.

Citations?

https://www.phillyvoice.com/child-abuse-single-parenting-divorce-marriage-new-partners-advice/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2652941/

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18457873/

https://www.nytimes.com/2005/11/08/health/unrelated-adults-at-home-increase-risk-for-children.html

https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/children-higher-risk-nontraditional-homes-flna1C9464008

https://www.uchicagomedicine.org/forefront/news/unrelated-adults-in-the-home-associated-with-child-abuse-deaths

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2845296/

https://hope4hurtingkids.com/trauma-tragedy/abuse/risks-of-child-abuse-and-neglect-based-on-family-structure/

https://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2011/04/3181/

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a widow with a 6 year old daughter. My current partner would like to get married. I love him and think he’s wonderful. Something that gives me pause is that as a child one of my aunts married a pedophile who ended up abusing her kids. I don’t want to introduce anything like that to my kid.

For those of you who remarried with kids, how did you determine your new partner wasn’t an abuser?

If you don't know this person well enough to not be sure he isn't a.child abuser then why are you even anywhere close to talking marriage.

If you have a shred of doubt he might be an abuser why are you in a relationship with him at all.

What the actual

All this. How are you spreading your legs for someone who you think might want to spread your daughters’?

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Anonymous wrote:Im a woman but if I were a man, I would be very cautious entering a relationship where I'm by default considered a potential threat. Totally not worth it.

I was molested by my older cousin brother when I was 11

Ant man who is going to get in his feelings about a mom protecting her child is not a man worth having.

100%.
You’re not cool with making sure my kid is safe? Hit the road. Not going to be a good partner or step parent if they care more about their ego than a child’s safety.

I don’t think it’s a matter of ego to not want to be treated like a child molester.

Nope. It’s all ego. And your ego is not more important than that child’s safety. How can you even think otherwise?

Welp, if I know I’m not a molester I’m not going to stick around someone who thinks I might be. Good luck dating when you think all men are equally likely to be.

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Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

yes that's the "rule" in my circle too. why do you need to be married or even living together? Have trysts in nice hotels or the guest house. Leave your kids out of it.

I was sexually abused by my stepfather. I had no idea how common it was. I had no idea people KNEW how common it was. I wish my mother had.

Sadly, many single moms are so desperate to get another man, any man, that they will ignore the obvious red flags either consciously or unconsciously and expose their children to predators in exchange for the predators companionship and financial support. Then they live in denial of the horrible abuse that they themselves enabled.

Is this a commonly known fact? I am the daughter of a widowed mother and had no idea.

Yes. Part of it is because the single moms aren't marrying these guys for love or attraction but for expedience. So deep down and again maybe at an unconscious level, the screwed up thinking is if the stepdad is attracted to the stepchild there will be less in the way of sexual and emotional demands placed on the mother. There is also resentment of the child by its mom involved. In a way the mom is pimping the child to the stepfather. Meanwhile the mom ignores all the creepy warning signs.

What you describe here is not common. Not in healthy people. It’s pathological.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daughter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

Yes, that's the "rule" in my circle, too. why do you need to be married or even living together? Have trysts in nice hotels or the guest house. Leave your kids out of it.

I was sexually abused by my stepfather. I had no idea how common it was. I had no idea people KNEW how common it was. I wish my mother had.

Sadly, many single moms are so desperate to get another man, any man, that they will ignore the obvious red flags either consciously or unconsciously and expose their children to predators in exchange for the predators companionship and financial support. Then they live in denial of the horrible abuse that they themselves enabled.

Is this a commonly known fact? I am the daughter of a widowed mother and had no idea.

Yes. Part of it is because the single moms aren't marrying these guys for love or attraction but for expedience. So deep down and again maybe at an unconscious level, the screwed up thinking is if the stepdad is attracted to the stepchild there will be less in the way of sexual and emotional demands placed on the mother. There is also resentment of the child by its mom involved. In a way the mom is pimping the child to the stepfather. Meanwhile the mom ignores all the creepy warning signs.

No, I think this is a very cynical view of mothers. I think they are paralyzed by the horror of what they've done, and sometimes they have no access to money to escape and are completely dependent on their new spouse. Predators prey on weak and very vulnerable women. Very few mothers would pimp their daughters in the way you've described. Most would throw themselves in front of a bus to save their child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

yes that's the "rule" in my circle too. why do you need to be married or even living together? Have trysts in nice hotels or the guest house. Leave your kids out of it.

I was sexually abused by my stepfather. I had no idea how common it was. I had no idea people KNEW how common it was. I wish my mother had.

Sadly, many single moms are so desperate to get another man, any man, that they will ignore the obvious red flags either consciously or unconsciously and expose their children to predators in exchange for the predators companionship and financial support. Then they live in denial of the horrible abuse that they themselves enabled.

Is this a commonly known fact? I am the daughter of a widowed mother and had no idea.

Yes. Part of it is because the single moms aren't marrying these guys for love or attraction but for expedience. So deep down and again maybe at an unconscious level, the screwed up thinking is if the stepdad is attracted to the stepchild there will be less in the way of sexual and emotional demands placed on the mother. There is also resentment of the child by its mom involved. In a way the mom is pimping the child to the stepfather. Meanwhile the mom ignores all the creepy warning signs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

yes that's the "rule" in my circle too. why do you need to be married or even living together? Have trysts in nice hotels or the guest house. Leave your kids out of it.

I was sexually abused by my stepfather. I had no idea how common it was. I had no idea people KNEW how common it was. I wish my mother had.

Sadly, many single moms are so desperate to get another man, any man, that they will ignore the obvious red flags either consciously or unconsciously and expose their children to predators in exchange for the predators companionship and financial support. Then they live in denial of the horrible abuse that they themselves enabled.

This.

The abuse levels when a non-biological male are in the home are very very high.

My mother waited to remarry until after my siblings and I were grown and I have always appreciated that she did that.

So many women are desperate for financial support or companionship and predators smell it miles away.

Citations?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

yes that's the "rule" in my circle too. why do you need to be married or even living together? Have trysts in nice hotels or the guest house. Leave your kids out of it.

I was sexually abused by my stepfather. I had no idea how common it was. I had no idea people KNEW how common it was. I wish my mother had.

Sadly, many single moms are so desperate to get another man, any man, that they will ignore the obvious red flags either consciously or unconsciously and expose their children to predators in exchange for the predators companionship and financial support. Then they live in denial of the horrible abuse that they themselves enabled.

This.

The abuse levels when a non-biological male are in the home are very very high.

My mother waited to remarry until after my siblings and I were grown and I have always appreciated that she did that.

So many women are desperate for financial support or companionship and predators smell it miles away.