Anonymous
Post 08/21/2025 18:33     Subject: Adoption Not working
I am disgusted that you work in education.

Children are not objects. Adoption is simply one way to form a family. It is not buying a human.

Please seek professional help, and get educated about adoption.
Anonymous
Post 08/21/2025 18:30     Subject: Adoption Not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I see this all the time as a school administrator. I call it "buyers remorse".


As a psychologist, I've seen this several times as well and it makes me furious. An adoption is a commitment to be a parent. If you wouldn't relinquish/abandon a biological child to the state you should not do the same with an adopted child.


+1000 It's like returning a dog to the shelter if it "didn't work out." This is a lifetime commitment.


😳
Anonymous
Post 08/21/2025 18:26     Subject: Adoption Not working
You have the same options any parent has.

This is not “the adoption not working out.”

There is nothing temporary about your relationship.

Start acting that way.

I am sorry you are all struggling , but these are your kids. Your responsibility.

Continue to seek professional guidance.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 21:54     Subject: Adoption Not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My parents adopted my sister at age 7 in the 70's. She had been neglected - her drug addicted mother left her home alone at age 4 to babysit 2 younger brothers ages 1&2. All three were with a foster family from age 4-7, then the family adopted the youngest boy and said they couldn't take my sister and the older boy.

She was "fine" until about age 12, which is also when my parents divorced. She never was able to trust and truly bond with anyone and basically did not have a conscience. She was a nightmare until age 15 - lying, stealing and very violent. I was a commuter college student and would hide the kitchen knives every night. Sometimes I came home and she had my mom pinned to the ground and wouldn't let her go.

My (divorced) parents sued the state adoption agency and won in court. The state had neuro testing done that showed issues but they never informed my parents. So they wasted 5 years not getting treatment.

The state was ordered to pay $30K per year for a special residential school (this was in early 80's). She was there for 3 years and they did "fix" her.

She married at 19 and they are still married. She became a vet tech and has been a socially responsible person.

Several other families in my parents local adoptive group also adopted older kids. Everyone dealt with the same issues. One kid tried to burn down their house, another tried to stab the mother. My sister's 2 brothers have been in prison for decades for drugs and other crimes.

I believe the term now is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Oprah did a show on these types of kids decades ago that I saw and I said - that's my sister!

Regular counseling is not going to help. You need to find local professionals who can steer you into solutions for RAD. It's probably going to involve institutional care. Hopefully you have funds to pay for it.


I am so sorry for what your family went through. And I am so impressed with their commitment. As hard as the road was, this is an amazing success story and your family is unbelievable.


Yes, my mother (and to some extent my dad) was a good role model for being an activist when something just wasn't right. But even then, I felt torn that the incredible amount of 30K per year in 1982 meant other local kids had less support from the agency. But then again, my sister would have ended up in jail like her brothers, which would have far exceeded 90K. The other adoptive families were not so lucky and their kids were either "given back" in some fashion or are still incarcerated. I appreciate your understanding and nice words.

I truly feel for OP who is going through this nightmare right now. My best advice is to do anything to get the kid into the system and find experienced advisors who understand what they are really dealing with and how to get to a solution. Also, how to protect 80yo and the younger sibling, who is also traumatized but not currently acting out.

I can't believe I "survived"


Funding doesn't reallly work that way. You aren't taking it from another child. They get funded as needed.

DP
What an ignorant take - the money is indeed limited.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 21:39     Subject: Adoption Not working
Anonymous wrote:The adoption occurred and is not up for debate. So “adoption not working” is not a frame that is going to get you far.

The presence of the 80 year old in the home may need to be reconsidered. You are responsible for your children first and that is how the law will treat this situation.

This kid has been through extraordinary trauma and needs a lot of treatment. The recommendation for hospitalization may be apt. “Had contact with” therapists doesn’t sound like much has happened in that area. How much contact? What kind of therapy, and how recently?


+1
She was abused and likely neglected, which means her ability to for healthy attachments is damaged. Think if her as an emotionally disabled person who needs therapy and support, but will never fully recover. She might get to the point of functional which would be a great success.

You are her parent, but (likely) did not create this damage - unfortunately she came that way and your ONLY path forward is to finish raising her the best you can. If you don't love/like her, legally you can send her out at 18, although that would also contribute to her abuse and trauma - probably again triggering all the neglect issues she experienced birth to 6.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 21:35     Subject: Adoption Not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I see this all the time as a school administrator. I call it "buyers remorse".


As a psychologist, I've seen this several times as well and it makes me furious. An adoption is a commitment to be a parent. If you wouldn't relinquish/abandon a biological child to the state you should not do the same with an adopted child.


You are not well informed at all and stop called our kids adopted kids. They are OUR kids who joined our family through adoption but for most of us there is no distinction between biological and adoption and its offensive and hurtful to our kids.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 21:34     Subject: Adoption Not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I see this all the time as a school administrator. I call it "buyers remorse".


As a psychologist, I've seen this several times as well and it makes me furious. An adoption is a commitment to be a parent. If you wouldn't relinquish/abandon a biological child to the state you should not do the same with an adopted child.


You’re not very well informed. You can relinquish bio kids.

Also there are times when kids, whether bio or adopted, have such serious issues that parents can’t care for them and keeping the kid in the home poses risks for all.


The problem is there are not a lot of supports for families with kids with mental health issues. If you are lucky the school system will step in and pay, but otherwise its on the parents (except for kids with Medicaid) and sometimes the only option is to relinquish your child to the system as otherwise they will not help.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 21:33     Subject: Adoption Not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I see this all the time as a school administrator. I call it "buyers remorse".


As a psychologist, I've seen this several times as well and it makes me furious. An adoption is a commitment to be a parent. If you wouldn't relinquish/abandon a biological child to the state you should not do the same with an adopted child.


Some people place biological children in children welfare. It’s sometimes the only way to get mental health and other treatment.

What you are referring to is very rare.
The families are low income and do not have resources. People who adopt do want children and the children are planned. Home study has proven that they have the resources to financially look after that child and provide.

The anecdotes are worlds apart


Placing a child in child welfare is very rare as a teen for mental health but it happens. A teen adopted from foster care will have Medicaid which can pay for mental health treatment but a biological child or one adopted privately/international, etc., will not have Medicaid and it could very much break a family to pay for mental health treatment without good health care coverage. Even a family with a good income may not be able to afford years of intensive or residential treatment. We couldn't, could you?
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 08:32     Subject: Re:Adoption Not working


Anonymous wrote:


As a psychologist, I've seen this several times as well and it makes me furious. An adoption is a commitment to be a parent. If you wouldn't relinquish/abandon a biological child to the state you should not do the same with an adopted child.


You’re not very well informed. You can relinquish bio kids.

Also there are times when kids, whether bio or adopted, have such serious issues that parents can’t care for them and keeping the kid in the home poses risks for all.


Absolutely. The best advice I was ever given was that families should never let the most disruptive child dominate the family dynamic. Sending our increasingly violent DC to residential treatment as a young teen was the best thing we ever did for our family (and for DC). There are numerous adoption-focused Facebook groups where parents struggled for far too long and they became the victim of domestic violence.
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2025 12:31     Subject: Adoption Not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I see this all the time as a school administrator. I call it "buyers remorse".


As a psychologist, I've seen this several times as well and it makes me furious. An adoption is a commitment to be a parent. If you wouldn't relinquish/abandon a biological child to the state you should not do the same with an adopted child.


+1000 It's like returning a dog to the shelter if it "didn't work out." This is a lifetime commitment.
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2025 09:11     Subject: Adoption Not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I see this all the time as a school administrator. I call it "buyers remorse".


As a psychologist, I've seen this several times as well and it makes me furious. An adoption is a commitment to be a parent. If you wouldn't relinquish/abandon a biological child to the state you should not do the same with an adopted child.


You’re not very well informed. You can relinquish bio kids.

Also there are times when kids, whether bio or adopted, have such serious issues that parents can’t care for them and keeping the kid in the home poses risks for all.
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2025 09:08     Subject: Adoption Not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I see this all the time as a school administrator. I call it "buyers remorse".


As a psychologist, I've seen this several times as well and it makes me furious. An adoption is a commitment to be a parent. If you wouldn't relinquish/abandon a biological child to the state you should not do the same with an adopted child.


Some people place biological children in children welfare. It’s sometimes the only way to get mental health and other treatment.

What you are referring to is very rare.
The families are low income and do not have resources. People who adopt do want children and the children are planned. Home study has proven that they have the resources to financially look after that child and provide.

The anecdotes are worlds apart


Affording to take care of a child and affording mental health care are two very different things. Those scenarios can also be worlds apart.
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2025 08:52     Subject: Adoption Not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I see this all the time as a school administrator. I call it "buyers remorse".


As a psychologist, I've seen this several times as well and it makes me furious. An adoption is a commitment to be a parent. If you wouldn't relinquish/abandon a biological child to the state you should not do the same with an adopted child.


Some people place biological children in children welfare. It’s sometimes the only way to get mental health and other treatment.

What you are referring to is very rare.
The families are low income and do not have resources. People who adopt do want children and the children are planned. Home study has proven that they have the resources to financially look after that child and provide.

The anecdotes are worlds apart
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2025 20:39     Subject: Adoption Not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I see this all the time as a school administrator. I call it "buyers remorse".


As a psychologist, I've seen this several times as well and it makes me furious. An adoption is a commitment to be a parent. If you wouldn't relinquish/abandon a biological child to the state you should not do the same with an adopted child.


Some people place biological children in children welfare. It’s sometimes the only way to get mental health and other treatment.
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2025 20:37     Subject: Adoption Not working
Anonymous wrote:I see this all the time as a school administrator. I call it "buyers remorse".


As a psychologist, I've seen this several times as well and it makes me furious. An adoption is a commitment to be a parent. If you wouldn't relinquish/abandon a biological child to the state you should not do the same with an adopted child.