Anonymous
Post 07/21/2025 22:34     Subject: You love your parent but are you upset they are still alive?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I hope your kids don’t talk about you like many of you are talking about your parents here. Jesus you’re callous and lacking compassion. Just remember, this will be you someday.


I have told my kids repeatedly. Absolutely do not sacrifice yourselves for me. I would never want a loved one to undergo the stress I have gone through dealing with a parent with dementia for over 8 years with no end in sight.

I intend to end my life if I have dementia. If somehow I don’t do it in time the only thing I care about is not causing my kids to suffer. I also do not want to burn through all my assets instead of leaving them money.

I really hope within 20 years people have more options to chose to die on their own terms.


The problem is you / we say this now but have little control how it plays out. Im afraid perspectives also change later, from what i have seen.
Anonymous
Post 07/21/2025 10:19     Subject: Re:You love your parent but are you upset they are still alive?
Anonymous wrote:With my mother’s dementia, the tough thing is that the good memories I have of her growing up always will be tempered by her lashing out with extreme verbal abuse, saying the most cruel things, name calling —uglyface, loser, things she would have been horrified about saying if she was in her right mind. When you’re already exhausted, it just kicks you down further.

I know it’s not really her, but the advice to just let it roll off your shoulders only goes so far. It cuts, deeply.

I totally understand this. My mother was our best friend when we were younger. Now my siblings and I have support sessions after any of us interact with her because she says such hateful things. It's crazy.
Anonymous
Post 07/20/2025 16:24     Subject: Re:You love your parent but are you upset they are still alive?
I lost a parent last year after over ten years of caring for them. They were sad and angry a lot - mostly depressed because of physical decline that meant they couldn't do the things they wanted to. Mentally they were still totally with it. Being a caretaker, while also raising kids and working full time was mentally and physically exhausting. People do not speak enough about the toll being a caretaker takes on you. While I'm sad about the loss I do not think I could have continued as a caretaker for another 10 years.
Anonymous
Post 07/20/2025 15:03     Subject: You love your parent but are you upset they are still alive?
Yes but what to do about the seniors who don’t have dementia but require help from their kids? Not the skilled nursing level of care but like driving them to things or coordinating their medical care or cleaning or shopping? Are they allowed to carry on like this for 10-15-20 years, chaining their kids to their needs?
Anonymous
Post 07/20/2025 14:57     Subject: You love your parent but are you upset they are still alive?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I hope your kids don’t talk about you like many of you are talking about your parents here. Jesus you’re callous and lacking compassion. Just remember, this will be you someday.


I have told my kids repeatedly. Absolutely do not sacrifice yourselves for me. I would never want a loved one to undergo the stress I have gone through dealing with a parent with dementia for over 8 years with no end in sight.

I intend to end my life if I have dementia. If somehow I don’t do it in time the only thing I care about is not causing my kids to suffer. I also do not want to burn through all my assets instead of leaving them money.

I really hope within 20 years people have more options to chose to die on their own terms.


Giving the declining birth rates, the increasing numbers of people living with Alzheimer's and related dementias and the policy choices being made by the government which are stripping affordable options from people in old age and seriously declining health, the ONLY humane option at this point is for USA to pass federal Medical Aid In Dying (MAID) legislation that allows people to check out of life on their own terms, on their own timetable, in ways that are painless and as minimally traumatic for family as possible.

That MAID legislation should allow people to make choices about end of life while they are still of sound mind/body, and to allow medical professionals to provide the cocktail of exit drugs even when the person's mind has become unsound.

What say you, DCUM?


I agree, I hope for this.


I do as well.
Anonymous
Post 07/20/2025 14:41     Subject: You love your parent but are you upset they are still alive?
Anonymous wrote:Poor OP. Her mother didn’t plan at all and didn’t think about OP’s burden in later years. That sucks and I’d feel resentful too.

OP, I believe there are assisted-living or nursing home places where your mom could stay for a short respite period so you can get a break. I don’t know how expensive they are but maybe it’s an option. Does your mom get Social Security or anything? Is it possible to get home aides in on occasion so you can beet a short-term break?

I’ve been an orphan since my 20s and it’s been sad and hard, but I’ve been spared this on the back end. And I’ve been a caretaker of someone totally disabled. It’s beyond draining and all-consuming. I’m sorry, OP.


NP here. Respite care sounds like a great option for caregivers. I know in my case my parents would kick and scream but it’s the only way to keep your health and sanity so the remaining years of your life aren’t spent slaving away and becoming ill early yourself. My father recently had surgery and even though they can afford a few hours per day of nursing care, he likes to declare
A little haughtily that he has a nurse— my mom. That really turned my stomach because she’s in her mid-70s and is not a nurse. She had to drive him to the hospital once already late at night because he had an issue. He won’t even let her call an ambulance. He will only agree to services Medicare will pay for. Eventually, chauvinism and parsimony are not going to cut it.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2025 16:22     Subject: You love your parent but are you upset they are still alive?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I hope your kids don’t talk about you like many of you are talking about your parents here. Jesus you’re callous and lacking compassion. Just remember, this will be you someday.


I have told my kids repeatedly. Absolutely do not sacrifice yourselves for me. I would never want a loved one to undergo the stress I have gone through dealing with a parent with dementia for over 8 years with no end in sight.

I intend to end my life if I have dementia. If somehow I don’t do it in time the only thing I care about is not causing my kids to suffer. I also do not want to burn through all my assets instead of leaving them money.

I really hope within 20 years people have more options to chose to die on their own terms.


Giving the declining birth rates, the increasing numbers of people living with Alzheimer's and related dementias and the policy choices being made by the government which are stripping affordable options from people in old age and seriously declining health, the ONLY humane option at this point is for USA to pass federal Medical Aid In Dying (MAID) legislation that allows people to check out of life on their own terms, on their own timetable, in ways that are painless and as minimally traumatic for family as possible.

That MAID legislation should allow people to make choices about end of life while they are still of sound mind/body, and to allow medical professionals to provide the cocktail of exit drugs even when the person's mind has become unsound.

What say you, DCUM?


I agree, I hope for this.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2025 15:07     Subject: You love your parent but are you upset they are still alive?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I hope your kids don’t talk about you like many of you are talking about your parents here. Jesus you’re callous and lacking compassion. Just remember, this will be you someday.


I have told my kids repeatedly. Absolutely do not sacrifice yourselves for me. I would never want a loved one to undergo the stress I have gone through dealing with a parent with dementia for over 8 years with no end in sight.

I intend to end my life if I have dementia. If somehow I don’t do it in time the only thing I care about is not causing my kids to suffer. I also do not want to burn through all my assets instead of leaving them money.

I really hope within 20 years people have more options to chose to die on their own terms.


Giving the declining birth rates, the increasing numbers of people living with Alzheimer's and related dementias and the policy choices being made by the government which are stripping affordable options from people in old age and seriously declining health, the ONLY humane option at this point is for USA to pass federal Medical Aid In Dying (MAID) legislation that allows people to check out of life on their own terms, on their own timetable, in ways that are painless and as minimally traumatic for family as possible.

x1000

That MAID legislation should allow people to make choices about end of life while they are still of sound mind/body, and to allow medical professionals to provide the cocktail of exit drugs even when the person's mind has become unsound.

What say you, DCUM?
.

Agree.

We could build a structure around this to limit the abuse of the system and ensure dignity of the patient. I'd be all for it. If my mind is gone, so am I.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2025 14:28     Subject: You love your parent but are you upset they are still alive?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I hope my mom passes soon. She has dementia, is incontinent, has significant mobility issues, makes no sense most of the time, and no longer enjoys going out, or even when I come by (multiple times a week), she barely can interact in a meaningful way so I basically come for 15 minutes, bright my daughter yesterday and my mom barely registers her. she can’t read, follow tv, use a phone, enjoy music, or wipe her own butt. She is a prisoner in her own mind. She never ever wanted this. The next stages are no language, no recognition of me (she recognized me but can’t always say that I’m her daughter just knows my name), essentially wheelchair/ bed bound and feeding by ensure.


Im in the same boat but after 8 1/2 years of being the only sibling nearby while one sibling comes once a year for a day and the other sibling never visits I have given up.

My mother is in the same condition and I now visit every other month. My kids are in high school and I just came to a pony I didn’t want to lose more time with them.

My kids, husband, and I have spent countless hours looking for things she has hidden or can’t find such as her phon, keys, remote control, wallet etc. she is in an assisted living place and they being her meals to her apartment and check on her 2-3 times a day. It takes a 1-2 hours for her to get ready so even stoping by saying let’s go to do an errand or to a medial appt takes so much time.

And she has always had an edge and been critical. I rarely make my kids go over theye because she always mentions how one has gained weight and has other snide comments for the other one as well as myself.

She never took care of her parents or grandparents but was quick to critique my aunt who did take care of my grandmother for the last 10 years of her life.

The best thing I did was at the start jf the school year I prioritized myself, husband and kids and stopped visiting. I was so burned out stopping by after working full time. Because in the end I realized it didn’t matter. She doesn’t remember if I go over there or not. Essentially she had already died and she is just a shell of herself. It’s just so cruel how people are forced to live with ending stages of dementia.


I could have written most of the two posts above.

My remaining parent speaks nonsense, can't wipe their own butt, needs help to shower, and recently ended up in a wheelchair. We can't go out because they are incontinent and you never know when something messy will happen.

I estimate they are around stage five or six (out of seven) on the dementia scale.

They really went steeply downhill after an infection.


That’s very sad. We grieve the decline and end in many stages.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2025 14:26     Subject: You love your parent but are you upset they are still alive?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I hope your kids don’t talk about you like many of you are talking about your parents here. Jesus you’re callous and lacking compassion. Just remember, this will be you someday.


You're wrong. People are callous because we are extending life way beyond what is natural and what God intended. Many times out of fear of liability from the doctor. It's ok to let people die naturally. We don't have to keep a sack of flesh alive when the person that was inside is already gone. And it's perfectly appropriate to recognize this fact. Who knows - in the afterlife these life extending measure might be considered torture or inhumane.


I think about this topic. To keep choosing life extending procedures with other medical issues abounding and increasing the chance the body could outlast the mind. I’m not sure this is how it is supposed to be. Why are doctors and insurance proceeding forward in very late ages? Are they profiting off our seniors or unwilling to address the societal issue here? Does respecting life mean invention of dying whenever possible? Are we also going to grasp at life when death is facing us even though we think now we won’t? Will we also not consider the caregiver and taxpayer burdens as a result? Such heavy and ethical issues among the medical advancements.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2025 01:01     Subject: You love your parent but are you upset they are still alive?
Anonymous wrote:When people had kids much younger than they do now, that created more generational layers to provide support. If you were a great-grandparent by age 75 or 80, you might rely on your kids or your grandkids for help. Now, people aren't even becoming grandparents until they're in their 70s, leaving the burden to fall on kids in their 40s who are still raising young kids. And since many older folks aren't dying until their 90s, there's no inheritance until their kids are in their 70s.


And that's assuming there is 1- any money left for an inheritance and 2- if there happens to be an inheritance that you will get anything. I knew a woman, former co-worker in her 40's unmarried/ no children, who was a caretaker to her mother for a decade. Did everything. The father died when she was in her 20's. Her 2 siblings were no help. One lived halfway across the country and had their own life. Another was a jobless mooch who lived wherever there was a couch that would accommodate him and only popped in when he wanted money.
When her mom died she left the family home and all the contents and what was left in the bank to the son because she figured he needed it the most since the lived far away sibling was married and her caretaker daughter had a steady job and her own place to live. Never understimate the twisted rationale of a parent.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2025 11:56     Subject: Re:You love your parent but are you upset they are still alive?
Anonymous wrote:With my mother’s dementia, the tough thing is that the good memories I have of her growing up always will be tempered by her lashing out with extreme verbal abuse, saying the most cruel things, name calling —uglyface, loser, things she would have been horrified about saying if she was in her right mind. When you’re already exhausted, it just kicks you down further.

I know it’s not really her, but the advice to just let it roll off your shoulders only goes so far. It cuts, deeply.


I hope they find some medicine to help her stop doing that. Mine can do the same and the medicine prevents it.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2025 11:55     Subject: You love your parent but are you upset they are still alive?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I hope my mom passes soon. She has dementia, is incontinent, has significant mobility issues, makes no sense most of the time, and no longer enjoys going out, or even when I come by (multiple times a week), she barely can interact in a meaningful way so I basically come for 15 minutes, bright my daughter yesterday and my mom barely registers her. she can’t read, follow tv, use a phone, enjoy music, or wipe her own butt. She is a prisoner in her own mind. She never ever wanted this. The next stages are no language, no recognition of me (she recognized me but can’t always say that I’m her daughter just knows my name), essentially wheelchair/ bed bound and feeding by ensure.


Im in the same boat but after 8 1/2 years of being the only sibling nearby while one sibling comes once a year for a day and the other sibling never visits I have given up.

My mother is in the same condition and I now visit every other month. My kids are in high school and I just came to a pony I didn’t want to lose more time with them.

My kids, husband, and I have spent countless hours looking for things she has hidden or can’t find such as her phon, keys, remote control, wallet etc. she is in an assisted living place and they being her meals to her apartment and check on her 2-3 times a day. It takes a 1-2 hours for her to get ready so even stoping by saying let’s go to do an errand or to a medial appt takes so much time.

And she has always had an edge and been critical. I rarely make my kids go over theye because she always mentions how one has gained weight and has other snide comments for the other one as well as myself.

She never took care of her parents or grandparents but was quick to critique my aunt who did take care of my grandmother for the last 10 years of her life.

The best thing I did was at the start jf the school year I prioritized myself, husband and kids and stopped visiting. I was so burned out stopping by after working full time. Because in the end I realized it didn’t matter. She doesn’t remember if I go over there or not. Essentially she had already died and she is just a shell of herself. It’s just so cruel how people are forced to live with ending stages of dementia.


I could have written most of the two posts above.

My remaining parent speaks nonsense, can't wipe their own butt, needs help to shower, and recently ended up in a wheelchair. We can't go out because they are incontinent and you never know when something messy will happen.

I estimate they are around stage five or six (out of seven) on the dementia scale.

They really went steeply downhill after an infection.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 13:03     Subject: You love your parent but are you upset they are still alive?
Anonymous wrote:When people had kids much younger than they do now, that created more generational layers to provide support. If you were a great-grandparent by age 75 or 80, you might rely on your kids or your grandkids for help. Now, people aren't even becoming grandparents until they're in their 70s, leaving the burden to fall on kids in their 40s who are still raising young kids. And since many older folks aren't dying until their 90s, there's no inheritance until their kids are in their 70s.


+1
And the caregivers are disproportionately women.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 13:01     Subject: You love your parent but are you upset they are still alive?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I hope your kids don’t talk about you like many of you are talking about your parents here. Jesus you’re callous and lacking compassion. Just remember, this will be you someday.


I have told my kids repeatedly. Absolutely do not sacrifice yourselves for me. I would never want a loved one to undergo the stress I have gone through dealing with a parent with dementia for over 8 years with no end in sight.

I intend to end my life if I have dementia. If somehow I don’t do it in time the only thing I care about is not causing my kids to suffer. I also do not want to burn through all my assets instead of leaving them money.

I really hope within 20 years people have more options to chose to die on their own terms.


Giving the declining birth rates, the increasing numbers of people living with Alzheimer's and related dementias and the policy choices being made by the government which are stripping affordable options from people in old age and seriously declining health, the ONLY humane option at this point is for USA to pass federal Medical Aid In Dying (MAID) legislation that allows people to check out of life on their own terms, on their own timetable, in ways that are painless and as minimally traumatic for family as possible.

That MAID legislation should allow people to make choices about end of life while they are still of sound mind/body, and to allow medical professionals to provide the cocktail of exit drugs even when the person's mind has become unsound.

What say you, DCUM?
.

Agree.

We could build a structure around this to limit the abuse of the system and ensure dignity of the patient. I'd be all for it. If my mind is gone, so am I.