Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:.the sad reality is that people do cut off parents for things that seem fairly minor.

The word “seem“ is doing a lot of work there. From where do you get this data?

Looks like it would be subjective data, no? I would say that most of it is offspring adults who have little in the way of conflict resolution and are used to being catered to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The answer is YES. Internet therapy and therapy speak has emboldened a whole generation of MeMeMe. It's also the precursor of the sidelining of one's parents so as not to ever have to care for them later. Ok, yeah that's hard, but...
That said, there will be a million people coming here with stories of actual abuse, ok, but that's not what's generally going on here. So many people cut off for the dumbest of reasons, and it's pervasive. Daughter in law took a comment the wrong way, jealousy among siblings, Geandma suggested a bottle feeding outside of a schedule, didn't come to all the ballet recitals, on and on.

I have never heard of a single person being cut off for these reasons alone— only when the parent refuses to apologize for, say, the comment the DiL “took that wrong way” or for uneven resources for children or for meddling in parenting.

My parents had favorites. But they are (and were) honest and emotionally mature people who didn’t try to convince us our reality was wrong. They acknowledged it and made sure in the ways these things really matter, we all received equally.

If they pretended that wasn’t the case they’d be estranged from at least one and probably all of us by now.

You are immediately assuming an apology is needed. Sometimes it is a daughter in law or son- and just ridiculous stuff. One friend's daughter in law cut all contact with her inlaws, and that includes no access to son and grandchildren because mother was in a fender bender on the way to babysit, and was late, preventing DIL from being able to go with her friends to a golf party. She had to drive separately to the party. Afterwards, the next day, she was still mad about that but also she insisted MIL shouldn't be driving the kids anymore because of the fender bender. The fender bender happened when a drunk teenager side swiped the mother's car, with minimal damage, and hit 2 others badly. The mother stayed on the scene to aid the other two, and the teen until the police came. DIL was angry because mother " had made a commitment to her to be there at a certain time", causing her to miss out on the group drive. The mother is 60 and an excellent driver, no record of anything. When MIL tried to explain why she stayed she was escorted to the door and called a narcissist. Why? She was making decisions for her own well being, and not DIL, which includes the driving edict. MiL is so distraught she is in therapy. Therapist says she deals with this s#!++ all the time.

And yes, I know quite a lot of people who were cut off for similar rubbish. Your reality might actually be wrong, and that is what is missing- all blame goes to not just the parents, but actually the mother. It's so pervasive, it's almost natural to assume all of this.

Anonymous wrote:.the sad reality is that people do cut off parents for things that seem fairly minor.

The word “seem“ is doing a lot of work there. From where do you get this data?

Anonymous wrote:.the sad reality is that people do cut off parents for things that seem fairly minor.

I don't think most people are cutting off healthy relationships for things that happened decades earlier.

The straw the broke the camel's back with my parents may seem minor, but I couldn't take the insults and criticism any longer. They haven't been kind to me my whole life, up through the present.

.the sad reality is that people do cut off parents for things that seem fairly minor.

Anonymous wrote:The answer is YES. Internet therapy and therapy speak has emboldened a whole generation of MeMeMe. It's also the precursor of the sidelining of one's parents so as not to ever have to care for them later. Ok, yeah that's hard, but...
That said, there will be a million people coming here with stories of actual abuse, ok, but that's not what's generally going on here. So many people cut off for the dumbest of reasons, and it's pervasive. Daughter in law took a comment the wrong way, jealousy among siblings, Geandma suggested a bottle feeding outside of a schedule, didn't come to all the ballet recitals, on and on.

I have never heard of a single person being cut off for these reasons alone— only when the parent refuses to apologize for, say, the comment the DiL “took that wrong way” or for uneven resources for children or for meddling in parenting.

My parents had favorites. But they are (and were) honest and emotionally mature people who didn’t try to convince us our reality was wrong. They acknowledged it and made sure in the ways these things really matter, we all received equally.

If they pretended that wasn’t the case they’d be estranged from at least one and probably all of us by now.

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, we have raised a generation of emotionally immature adults.

Unfortunately, preceding generations would rather claim that they failed to raise their children right than accept any responsibility for the outcomes. Weird.

My adult DD is estranged from her paternal grandparents and is supported in this by her therapist.

She basically heard too many nasty comments, criticisms and discouraging words and walked away from the relationship. They openly played favorites with other GC and are low effort relationship-wise.

They are absolutely clueless and do not understand why she pretty much is no contact.
She asked for an apology long ago and never got it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the cutting off is used to liberally. For abuse, sure, no argument from me, but there is a thread in the Family forum about stopping going to visit grandparents because they are boring.

My mother grates on my nerves. She repeats stories and gets fixated on inconsequential things, but she's in her 80s for goodness sake. I called that woman every day for years when I had babies and small children. She was my lifeline when I needed support, had moved to a new city, and was lonely. If I'm totally honest, talking to her doesn't "bring me joy" at this point, but how horrible would it be of me to stop that effort because I find it tedious because the poor woman is old. Very horrible.

Exactly! I feel the same way. My mom definitely gets on my nerves, particularly when she treats me like I'm still 5 from time to time. I also have some very bad memories with her from my childhood. Still, she is my mother. I know that she genuinely loves me. If I got hurt or was in trouble, she would be there for me. If I died, I know that she would be devastated. I know that she tried her best with what she knew and what she thought was the best. I choose to forgive her, rather than discard her. Also, as most us know, forgiving is not the same as forgetting.

Hey, that’s awesome that your mom genuinely loves you and is there for you if/when you are hurt or in trouble. That is how it should be.

My mom doesn’t have unconditional love for me. Some people think this is simply not possible - that all parents unconditionally love their kids, even if it’s “in their own way” - but it’s not actually true unfortunately. When I’m hurt or in trouble, she tells me that I deserve it, and takes every opportunity to kick me when I’m down. This taught me to do everything possible to hide my life from her to save myself from this abuse when I was already at my weakest. She doesn’t have my back. She doesn’t wish the best for me. It’s bewildering and painful.

We’re now estranged because I had no other choice in order to save myself. I’d love to have garden variety family dysfunction with love and support underneath it all when it really matters.

My father finally acknowledged when I was in highschool that he didn't love me and never wanted me. My mom admitted she couldn't leave me with him as an infant because he'd put me in my crib, shut the door and let me scream. He wouldn't care for me. We was the bread earner in the family, but he never provided any other care for me. He also always resented any money spent on me and didn't ever want a relationship with me. It was actually a huge release to know it wasn't me--he rejected me as his kid before he'd even tried. It wasn't something I'd done or a problem with who I was. It wasn't because I wasn't smart enough or kind enough or athletic enough.

Now he's happy to claim my successes. He likes that I got impressive degrees. He likes that he can claim my kids as his grandkids. But not because he actually wants a relationship with me, but just to keep up with his peers.

So yeah, we're mostly estranged. He resents that I'm his child and he had to spend his money on me. I don't feel a need to seek out a relationship he never wanted.

And Lord help the parents of Gen Alpha!

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, we have raised a generation of emotionally immature adults.

And it’s continuing into Gen Z.

Unfortunately, we have raised a generation of emotionally immature adults.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the real toxicity is when we blame others for anything that went wrong in our lives (and social media encourages it). It's my parents' fault that so and so broke up with me. It's my parents' fault that I got fired. It's my parents' fault that that I'm divorced. It's my parents' fault that I didn't make the football team (cheer team or whatever). It's my parents' fault that I have low self-esteem. At some point, we need to stop with the blame game and take responsibility for our own thoughts and choices. I used to be this way and I regret the years that I lost with my parents because I wasted to much energy blaming them for anything that was wrong or negative in my life.

It’s my parents’s fault that when I was forced to eat a plate of vomit in nursery school— because no one had told the school that I was “sick” — my parents chose not to believe me when I told them what had happened. I grew up unprotected in some pretty impactful ways. Is that close enough to “real toxicity” for you — or would you like some more examples?


Try not to project and overgeneralize too much. You can own your own story and your own growth— without shifting to “we” and what “we” need to do — as you navigate your own regrets.

Oh, Happy Father’s Day.

Even that is a poor example of serious abuse. It was called a bad day, a day when a poor decision was made. I don't even understand the eating of vomit part? You threw up and then ate your vomit? Someone made you eat your vomit? Or you were sick and were still made to go to school, then threw up (?) Come on! Are you carrying this throughout your life as a reason to be mad at your parents? For life? Life, then, is going to be one disappointment after another. And, you really have to eventually grow up.

The nursery school staff forced me to eat a plate of vomit after I threw up my lunch.
As to the rest, that’s you, not me. I never used any of the words that you’re using — with the exception of “toxicity “. I’m simply trying to understand your working definition of toxicity. Have a lovely Father’s Day.
Peace out.

Ok, gross, and yeah, wrong, and actionable. But what does that have to do with your parents? Again.
They sent you to nursery school when you were sick (?) Am I understanding this correctly? There has to be some more to this.

I was thinking the same. What does this have to do with your parents? Maybe the parents didn't have a choice and had to send you to nursery school (daycare) because they had to pay the bills and maybe they didn't know how sick you were? I have hard time believing that someone made you eat vomit. But the bigger issue is that you have not been able to move past this for all these years?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the real toxicity is when we blame others for anything that went wrong in our lives (and social media encourages it). It's my parents' fault that so and so broke up with me. It's my parents' fault that I got fired. It's my parents' fault that that I'm divorced. It's my parents' fault that I didn't make the football team (cheer team or whatever). It's my parents' fault that I have low self-esteem. At some point, we need to stop with the blame game and take responsibility for our own thoughts and choices. I used to be this way and I regret the years that I lost with my parents because I wasted to much energy blaming them for anything that was wrong or negative in my life.

It’s my parents’s fault that when I was forced to eat a plate of vomit in nursery school— because no one had told the school that I was “sick” — my parents chose not to believe me when I told them what had happened. I grew up unprotected in some pretty impactful ways. Is that close enough to “real toxicity” for you — or would you like some more examples?


Try not to project and overgeneralize too much. You can own your own story and your own growth— without shifting to “we” and what “we” need to do — as you navigate your own regrets.

Oh, Happy Father’s Day.

Even that is a poor example of serious abuse. It was called a bad day, a day when a poor decision was made. I don't even understand the eating of vomit part? You threw up and then ate your vomit? Someone made you eat your vomit? Or you were sick and were still made to go to school, then threw up (?) Come on! Are you carrying this throughout your life as a reason to be mad at your parents? For life? Life, then, is going to be one disappointment after another. And, you really have to eventually grow up.

The nursery school staff forced me to eat a plate of vomit after I threw up my lunch.
As to the rest, that’s you, not me. I never used any of the words that you’re using — with the exception of “toxicity “. I’m simply trying to understand your working definition of toxicity. Have a lovely Father’s Day.
Peace out.

Ok, gross, and yeah, wrong, and actionable. But what does that have to do with your parents? Again.
They sent you to nursery school when you were sick (?) Am I understanding this correctly? There has to be some more to this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the real toxicity is when we blame others for anything that went wrong in our lives (and social media encourages it). It's my parents' fault that so and so broke up with me. It's my parents' fault that I got fired. It's my parents' fault that that I'm divorced. It's my parents' fault that I didn't make the football team (cheer team or whatever). It's my parents' fault that I have low self-esteem. At some point, we need to stop with the blame game and take responsibility for our own thoughts and choices. I used to be this way and I regret the years that I lost with my parents because I wasted to much energy blaming them for anything that was wrong or negative in my life.

It’s my parents’s fault that when I was forced to eat a plate of vomit in nursery school— because no one had told the school that I was “sick” — my parents chose not to believe me when I told them what had happened. I grew up unprotected in some pretty impactful ways. Is that close enough to “real toxicity” for you — or would you like some more examples?


Try not to project and overgeneralize too much. You can own your own story and your own growth— without shifting to “we” and what “we” need to do — as you navigate your own regrets.

Oh, Happy Father’s Day.

Even that is a poor example of serious abuse. It was called a bad day, a day when a poor decision was made. I don't even understand the eating of vomit part? You threw up and then ate your vomit? Someone made you eat your vomit? Or you were sick and were still made to go to school, then threw up (?) Come on! Are you carrying this throughout your life as a reason to be mad at your parents? For life? Life, then, is going to be one disappointment after another. And, you really have to eventually grow up.

The nursery school staff forced me to eat a plate of vomit after I threw up my lunch.
As to the rest, that’s you, not me. I never used any of the words that you’re using — with the exception of “toxicity “. I’m simply trying to understand your working definition of toxicity. Have a lovely Father’s Day.
Peace out.