Anonymous wrote:This thread has so many messy af women in it... If you flip the genders, you'd be screaming about how rapey he was for trying to force her into something he didn't want, and how scummy it was of him to blame her, armchair psychoanalyze her, label her an addict or a zealot or both...

Y'all need to learn to center your own agency so that when someone gives you facts you don't like about what they will/won't do in a relationship, you cut your losses and leave instead of wasting your time trying to "figure him out". He said what he said. If it's not for you, it's not for you.

It's. Not. That. Deep.

No, the guy is an absolute creep, and women are just helping OP realize that fact.

This thread has so many messy af women in it... If you flip the genders, you'd be screaming about how rapey he was for trying to force her into something he didn't want, and how scummy it was of him to blame her, armchair psychoanalyze her, label her an addict or a zealot or both...

Y'all need to learn to center your own agency so that when someone gives you facts you don't like about what they will/won't do in a relationship, you cut your losses and leave instead of wasting your time trying to "figure him out". He said what he said. If it's not for you, it's not for you.

It's. Not. That. Deep.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be an absolute no for me (female). I’ve only slept with 3 people in my life (including DH) but there was no chance I was committing to someone for life w/o sleeping with them (we’ve been happily married for 28 years). People who do this either have:

Religious baggage
Issues with sex

Nope

Most people don't view religion as "baggage".

As someone raised in a puritanical religion, I had a lot of baggage around sex that I had to work through to have a healthy relationship with my husband.

Most religious people aren't raised in a "puritanical" (whatever that means, nowadays) sect.

Incorrect. As a person raised without religion, it's easy to see how every major religion has a ton of sex-shaming, slut-shaming, genital-shaming, "women as property" doctrine. If you're raised in it, it's just water to you. You may even think your church/group is "progressive", but... probably not nearly as much so as you might think.

Anonymous wrote:




TROLL POST.




There's a version of the "celibate boyfriend" every couple of months.

You need to calm your life down, bro

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be an absolute no for me (female). I’ve only slept with 3 people in my life (including DH) but there was no chance I was committing to someone for life w/o sleeping with them (we’ve been happily married for 28 years). People who do this either have:

Religious baggage
Issues with sex

Nope

Most people don't view religion as "baggage".

As someone raised in a puritanical religion, I had a lot of baggage around sex that I had to work through to have a healthy relationship with my husband.

Most religious people aren't raised in a "puritanical" (whatever that means, nowadays) sect.

- except Islam.

TROLL POST.




There's a version of the "celibate boyfriend" every couple of months.

Would you buy a new car without test driving it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be an absolute no for me (female). I’ve only slept with 3 people in my life (including DH) but there was no chance I was committing to someone for life w/o sleeping with them (we’ve been happily married for 28 years). People who do this either have:

Religious baggage
Issues with sex

Nope

Most people don't view religion as "baggage".

As someone raised in a puritanical religion, I had a lot of baggage around sex that I had to work through to have a healthy relationship with my husband.

Most religious people aren't raised in a "puritanical" (whatever that means, nowadays) sect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m seeing this guy I really like who told me he has decided to be celibate until marriage. I’ve been trying to be understanding but it is getting pretty hard for me to not want sex with him. I think about sex constantly. I don’t know if I can do this..

Move on. Unless he's got a good job/stable income/promotion material, and is interested in being a good provider. Then look into getting married. There's always divorce if it doesn't work out.

Yep, this should be the strategy for all women.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Move on. He's told you he's an addict.

Move on to what? The person you get is usually the best you can do. It's this one, or someone similar, or reconsider a past dealbreaker (wealth, height , gender, age, whatever) or no one.

Every woman deserves a top 10% man. Keep looking, and you'll find him.

Anonymous wrote:Move on. He's told you he's an addict.

Move on to what? The person you get is usually the best you can do. It's this one, or someone similar, or reconsider a past dealbreaker (wealth, height , gender, age, whatever) or no one.

^if OP is struggling *with* it

Anonymous wrote:I would be very worried about porn and self help …. Which can be habit forming and lead to bad habits.

Am I understating right that this is a new thing for him and he previously was sleeping around n a lot? This seems like just a big pendulum swing, rather than a thoughtful approach to life. Like he’s using you to make a point to himself. It’s one thing to say “no sex until we really get to know each other” but he’s saying no sex for years, which seems unrealistic. My parents waited until marriage but I think they got married in like a year from when they met.

+ I agree about the pendulum swing. It’s an extreme response to prior behavior - very “all or nothing.” If celibacy for years is the only strategy to address his prior poor coping mechanisms, it’s not likely to be very successful - especially if he isn’t actually addressing the “problems” with therapy, etc. It’s just misguided, and very inflexible - where is there room for OP in all of this? What about her needs?

It may be that he’s simply not ready for a serious relationship. If celibacy is his journey, then fine - but he should do it on his own. If OP is still around when he’s ready for emotional and physical intimacy, then great. But to force his partner to adhere to the steps he’s taking to address prior promiscuity - for “years” - is not a fair ask, especially if OP is really struggling either it. It doesn’t bode well for their potential marriage, which requires healthy communication and thoughtful consideration of each other’s needs.

Honestly, how can you know if you are sexually compatible? Is it possible he has ED (is he willing to do other things besides se*?).

Move on. He's told you he's an addict.

Anonymous wrote:If he is not religious, which I read into this initially, I wouod run for the hills because he could cut off sex at any time during you marriage for who knows what reason. Like a PP said, he is not thinking of your needs. And I am wondering if he is hiding something, a deformity, STD, what

Religion is an excuse. Religion is like politics. Just a set of beliefs on behavior. Why is he religious? Obviously he's been an addict and needs structure so thats one major reason. The clear thing to me before getting married would be to make sure he could function well while having sex. Honestly this guy sounds like a total loser and I don't date addicts but if I was considering him the last thing I would want to do would be to be in a sexual relationship with someone that has a sexual addiction.