Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give him a break. Maybe he overdid it and now has nothing left to give plus midlife crisis.
The kids should be older; time for some independence.
My ex overdid it, but it was his choice and he had similar upbringing. He expected it from me also, but I could never measure up according to him. We are from very different cultures. Mine is all about independence and his is all about family.
As he pushed me aside as useless, I just left. He fell apart soon after. I guess family wasn't enough. Balance would have been nice.
Something wrong with his brain was also one of our thoughts at the end. Coroner said nothing about it though.

My kids are 4, 7 & 9. They need their dad. I can manage. They need two living attentive parents.

Stop focusing on ideals and things/people that you can’t control, OP. Waste of time and energy and just traumatized kids more.

Yes why do you think they need him OP? One loving attentive parent is usually enough to provide a good outcome, but curious if there are relationship dynamics or behavior you’ve observed or logistics?

(From someone who has been there, done that, and got the t-shirt)

I don’t. My kids do.

I’m more than willing to divorce him if he isn’t willing to make changes. It’s only been 6 weeks. I want to give him a chance I guess?

I’m just shell shocked by it all.

I say this as a person who tends to be melodramatic. 6 weeks is really nothing, especially if he has a new job that might be stressful.

I agree with PPs that maybe a medical work up is in order. But he might genuinely be stressed with his new job and not know how to handle it. If you've already started couples therapy, this is another thing that he needs ot manage with his new job as well.

I understand that you are probably feeling scared and overwhelmed. I have a tendency to do the same as well. But I would encourage you to take a breath and let the new job settle in for a minute before catastraphesizing.

Liver disease or liver cancer causes brain dysfunction and personality changes. Get him to a doctor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to start the divorce process because he has no reason to. If he's having an affair, he's probably not at a point where he's thinking about being in a serious relationship with her. Divorce is expensive. He'd have to find a new place to live. He'd have to pay child support for 3 kids. He'd have to have some form of custody for 3 kids that he doesn't want to be involved with right now (likely because they make him feel guilty for the affair as they are a reminder of your marriage and what he's doing to his family). Right now, he has the best of both worlds. He can keep doing whatever he wants with no consequences.

I feel like this is it.

And he knows I’m desperate to keep things normal for the kids so continues to do whatever he wants.

If I push for divorce I’m the bad guy.

This is what they WANT. The get out of jail card where you’re the bad guy and all the blame goes on you, not just to him but to everyone. It’s all part of the game.

Coukd he have lost his job, and is hiding it?

Mental health issues.
Find him professional help.

Anonymous wrote:Brain tumor?

Wouldn’t he have symptoms like headache, sleepiness, vertigo?

OP, I am really sorry. This would be very confusing and distressing for anyone. And I feel for your kids.

My thoughts are the following:

stop the therapy. See your own therapist if you dont have one.

see a divorce lawyer or two. THis is looming so best to start getting prepared.

how do you think the new job is going? Possible he is having a rough time/going to get fired?

In terms of brain tumor: here I would reach out to any friends he has or mutual friends or family, just investigate to see if they've had any issues. If he's only being hostile to you, then my sense is affair. If others have experienced hostility or strange and uncharacteristic behavior, then insist on going to the doctor.

as for his rejection of the kids: here's my thought based on my own experience.

my dad was a very involved dad (in fact my mom was basically absent/emotionally crippled my whole childhood so my dad was my primary parent). But when he started having an affair he pulled way back/became a jerk. Essentially it was because he was feeling guilty and then angry at feeling guilty and we (my mother and us kids) were the "reason" he felt guilty/angry. I also think he was realizing how inconvenient it was to be a father/husband, how much he ached for freedom and started to rewrite his history about how much of his own life he had sacrificed for his family, so having an affair was also an "out" for him. He essentially disappeared for like a year, once the affair was outed, and never re-engaged as a parent/

Brain tumor?

Anonymous wrote:He could have a brain tumor. I am serious. He also could realize you two can’t afford a diciecr

NP but this is weird because it was my immediate thought as well. There is something about how OP has insisted a couple of times that he is a completely different person since the beginning of the year. As in, total 180 personality change.
I think a man who is having an affair may become a little disgruntled or distant, and he may even start sleeping in the basement and avoid intimacy with his wife. But this seems like more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely affair territory. And men are likely to want to overthrow their current family and start a new one ... Keep an eye out and listen to your gut!!

It’s this.
Stop asking him what’s wrong and nagging and accusing.
Just start treating him the way you did before he was “yours”—
I know I’ll get pushback for saying this, but it’s really often as simple as that.
Engage. Attend. Be present FOR HiM and behave in ways that make him want to be around you more, not less.

Don’t do this. You don’t have to please someone who treats you less than dirt or an afterthought. You have full permission, OP, to just do things that make you and your kids happy, on your own whims and schedule. Build your life up, with his participation or not. Build your kids up so they know they have you, regardless. If he refuses to engage with therapy or you, realize that’s his choice, believe him, and as painful as it is, keep moving forward FOR YOU. It’s not up to you to beg or persuade or convince him of anything. It’s hard to contemplate but knowing and acting that way is so freeing.

No one suggested begging, persuading, or convincing.
But it’s certainly worth OP taking stock of how she has valued or possibly de-valued her husband. Married men who are happy in their relationships rarely cheat. Men who are feeling isolated, ignored, and disconnected from their spouses are much more likely to shut down opportunities to stray.
OP can deny and ignore that or acknowledge it and take inventory.

Anonymous[b wrote:]He's not going to start the divorce process because he has no reason to[/b]. If he's having an affair, he's probably not at a point where he's thinking about being in a serious relationship with her. Divorce is expensive. He'd have to find a new place to live. He'd have to pay child support for 3 kids. He'd have to have some form of custody for 3 kids that he doesn't want to be involved with right now (likely because they make him feel guilty for the affair as they are a reminder of your marriage and what he's doing to his family). Right now, he has the best of both worlds. He can keep doing whatever he wants with no consequences.

Divorce statistics is something like 80% when it comes to how often women initiate the filing

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely affair territory. And men are likely to want to overthrow their current family and start a new one ... Keep an eye out and listen to your gut!!

It’s this.
Stop asking him what’s wrong and nagging and accusing.
Just start treating him the way you did before he was “yours”—
I know I’ll get pushback for saying this, but it’s really often as simple as that.
Engage. Attend. Be present FOR HiM and behave in ways that make him want to be around you more, not less.

Isn't this what's called the "pick me" dance?

Possibly.
And OP has a choice, of course, to just initiate divorce and kick him out.
So the above only applies if she is the least bit interested in reconnecting with her spouse.
The effort may be futile if he’s already “picked” the AP.
And maybe her pride is too wounded for the effort. And maybe she truly doesn’t care.
But if OP really doesn’t know what to do to reach him and she doesn’t want to simply give up——it’s good advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT, OP. We were married 15 years with two kids. He had a massive midlife crisis. He didn’t have an affair but did a lot of other cliche things. He went from being dutiful and on all the time to not giving a crap and talking about his new needs. He was extremely angry and hostile. Basically, under stress his childhood trauma and other issues came out, and he cracked.

I agree that you need to mentally prepare for divorce. Get a lawyer and a therapist. He is no longer your partner. We wasted time with several couples therapists and though I wouldn’t have done it differently (had to feel I tried everything) it was pointless.

My theory is that he was always pretty self centered and for a short time identified his “self” with having a family/ being a husband, but when he realized it really involved un-selfing and being there for others he couldn’t hold it together.

We had other issues, too. He had been in therapy for years with anxiety/OCD/ attachment issues. Big jealousy about my career and friends. I think he never grew up.

Nothing your said here is about "we" at all but it is all about your evaluation of his character and core personhood. You think he is an awful creation of human being but you demand him to "love me I need it!". Those of us on your husband's end of this know what this is like, someone telling you that you are crap and in the same breath telling you that you don't love them enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex did this the entire marriage. No affair. The irony is he is the one who forced the kids issue when we agreed not to have kids. Some people are not family people. I am introverted and like being alone. I cannot wait until kids are adults. I don’t have the luxury of checking out

He was an amazing father until early January. Every week if worse than the other.

He is a totally different person.

You
So move on. Can only control you. Set up a stable home for kids without this emotional abuse.

Keep the kids busy.

Later, get them into therapy.

Come to terms with it being over and act like the adult they can count on through your actions.

All the words, tears and therapy have not changed the dynamic, embrace reality and call some lawyers. Stop talking to him about this stuff. Have it go through lawyer.