Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I think when you have that it is possible to get through something like a midlife affair—but when you didn’t have it and “settled” it’s harder. I also think a lot of women that cheat are ones that settled and are looking for exit affairs which isn’t the same motive as men.

This is interesting. I’m one of those who settled and have never had an emotional connection/love with DH. I would not care in the slightest if he cheated, it wouldn’t break my heart because I’m not emotionally connected to him.

I'm honestly shocked by this. Did you never date someone with whom you had an emotional connection? If you did, why didn't you marry them? How on earth do you marry someone you don't love? I'm a woman and I can't fathom wanting kids enough to do that. It is just wild to me. But then again, I was fine if we didn't end up having kids. We decided to try and I got pregnant immediately with twins and we're very happy about that but we also would have been ok without kids. So I guess I just don't understand thinking I had to procreate so badly that I'd do it with someone I felt nothing more for than the guy who bags my groceries.

100% this. I also was raised to want a career and make my own $$. The man was not the plan. I vowed I’d never settle and was the same way about kids. I was not sure I wanted them and I would never marry just to have a baby. I then did meet a love of my life—but we waited 7 years to have kids because it was another decision I took very seriously.

It’s famously been said that the number one determinant in how your life will be is your spouse. So if you plan to marry, choose very, very wisely.

As others have said, not so much settled as accepted trade offs. DH isn’t someone who endlessly makes me laugh or engages in deep conversation. He’s quiet and doesn’t really fill my bucket in terms of verbal interaction. Attractive but not the most communicative or attentive sex partner and a bit lower drive than me. I knew this all going in and had some nagging concerns but let the fact that we got along well and he seemed an awesome, solid human win out.

On balance, seventeen years in our marriage is pretty good. We share values and parenting together is easy. We like each other’s families and friends. He’s always kind, amazingly supportive, and does more than his fair share at home. I still find him attractive, appreciative the life we’ve built together, and know he’ll always have my back. We make awesome kids and have had a lot of fun raising them together. I get sad that we don’t talk, banter and laugh more but have purposely cultivated other relationships (friends, siblings) to fill that need and try to focus on the good things we DO have together. And on the flip side, we never fight. Sex happens about once a week - not earth-shattering, but enjoyable. Closing in on 50, I feel like we’re doing alright.

Anonymous wrote:Very few people find someone they have a "deep love connection to". Real life is not like a Hallmark movie.

What? I would say that many of my friends married their soul mates. I don't think there is only out there for everyone - I do think there are other men I could also be as deeply in love with as I am with my husband - but I know a lot of happy marriages. But we also have very close friendships and close relationships with parents (at least one). We're the kind of people who friends of 40 years and spend time with them even though we don't live close. I wonder if there's a connection between that and being able to marry someone you have a "deep love connection to."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I think when you have that it is possible to get through something like a midlife affair—but when you didn’t have it and “settled” it’s harder. I also think a lot of women that cheat are ones that settled and are looking for exit affairs which isn’t the same motive as men.

This is interesting. I’m one of those who settled and have never had an emotional connection/love with DH. I would not care in the slightest if he cheated, it wouldn’t break my heart because I’m not emotionally connected to him.

I'm honestly shocked by this. Did you never date someone with whom you had an emotional connection? If you did, why didn't you marry them? How on earth do you marry someone you don't love? I'm a woman and I can't fathom wanting kids enough to do that. It is just wild to me. But then again, I was fine if we didn't end up having kids. We decided to try and I got pregnant immediately with twins and we're very happy about that but we also would have been ok without kids. So I guess I just don't understand thinking I had to procreate so badly that I'd do it with someone I felt nothing more for than the guy who bags my groceries.

Anonymous wrote:I definitely settled and can't stand my husband but I will stay for the kids for at least 5-7 more years. I stay at home. The problem is he was never attractive to begin with but now he is completely bald and has no hobbies. The only thing he does is work out and go to work. I don't understand what his peers and bosses see in him because he's been promoted a few times. At least he makes good money. Honestly I'm surprised we could afford a single family home in Mclean.

I wonder if your poor husband has any idea that he's bankrolling a woman who can't stand him. How gross.

Anonymous wrote:10 years in. Very happy. He’s my best friend

So then how did you settle? Or do you have nothing to add to this thread?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This “divorced but at least I got to have kids” just feels so cruel to the kids. As if divorce is a “shrug, no big deal” for the kids.

If you want kids, but haven’t met someone you want to be with long-term, then have a child on your own. Settling, divorcing and coparenting is so much worse for the kids involved.

And yes, I chose not to settle and had a child on my own. Raising a happy, secure kid who doesn’t have to shuffle houses or deal with parents who hate each other.

It’s better for kids to have two parents, even divorced (especially if they’re amicable), than to be fatherless.

Says who?

Also, this "amicable" divorce story is so tired. I don't know a single divorced couple who is amicable. They all fight and their kids are all worse off because of it. People who are happily married and like their spouse don't get divorced. You're kidding yourself if you think it's not a big deal for your kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women always eventually conclude they "settled" even though they married the best guy they could catch at the time.

This is so true. My husband isn't perfect but truth is, he was the best I could do. At the time my mother insisted I was settling and wanted me to hold out for someone better. It really ruined our relationship for a few years but I didn't exactly have men knocking down my door. I felt like the odds of someone better coming along were low.

Sadly women are "fed" that they have endless options. Those who have held to this illusion are still single and waiting. Nobody is perfect..the women I married isn't. I am all for women's happiness. However some women take this idea of their happiness to the extreme. They have a set of rigid requirements that unless all fully met the guy isn't perfect.

I feel the same way. My wife and I weren't perfect, but we liked each other better than anybody else we'd dated. We're 20 years in now.

That's not settling, though. That's reality.

My husband isn't perfect either because he's a human, but I didn't compromise any of the things that were important to me when I married him, therefore I didn't settle.

Settling is giving up something that matters to you in order to just be married. My friends who did that are all now divorced.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope there are men out there who are settling as well. The responses by a lot of women here really show their transactional nature the very same criticism they Levy at men...

The only transaction women want is to have ability to reproduce. Bible called it an honorable one and a reason to marry. If men don’t want that - don’t marry. Marriage is a contract.

Men, however, are stupid or self-indulgent enough to marry someone they can’t see through is using them. Often the women have a digging goal as the only reason to date them (large age gaps).

Who cares?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are so bleak. Feel sorry for the posters, the husbands, and the kids.

For society as well for making it necessary to have a wedding, a time consuming job, a mortgage and 2.5 kids to prove your worth.

It isn’t necessary to prove your worth. You just bought the lie.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of these people are divorced.

Why though? I was “in love” on my wedding day. Twenty years later, do I still love him? Sure but the infatuation definitely faded. I’m no longer obsessed with him.

I don’t see why these couples can’t last when that kind of thing fades anyway.

They were not in love the day they got married. You have that memory to hold onto; that is a night and day difference. It was not there. It did not “fade away.”

Anonymous wrote:

^ but she could have a “married affair” with a 9. I’ve seen it. The men affair down and know she will settle for scraps because she’s so happy to banging out of her league. She also likes to stick it to the pretty wife who retirements all the women in her life she’s jealous of going back to high school that got the good looking man. It’s no strings for him, but of course she gets overly emotionally attached and clingy until he ghosts and dumps her for it. She needs to hope her”4” spouse doesn’t dump her.

You speak truth to power, brother. I am not sure why women seem to ignore the "banging out of her league" phenomenon, but they do.

I first saw an excellent example of this phenomenon in my freshmen year at college. Chad, the very handsome president of the Fijis and easily a nine, was deep into his cups at a mixer with the Tri-Delts. Mary Lou, a freshman from my hometown and maybe a four (on a good day), uses her feminine charms to snare Chad for the night. The next day, Mary Lou tells everyone she and Chad are an item.

Sadly, Chad never calls Mary Lou, and he hooks up with another Tri-Delt (a strong eight) at the next mixer. Mary Lou is crushed, even more so when she finds out she is nowhere on Chad's radar. Mary Lou spends the following semester trying to catch Chad's attention again, to no avail. Meanwhile, Mary Lou resists all of her sisters' efforts to match her with other boys as "they just aren't Chad."

In the end, Mary Lou did not date until well into her junior year when she "settled" for a nice five from the town next to ours.

And how long did Chad stay with the alleged “strong 8” before finding a better looking woman?

Anonymous wrote:All of these people are divorced.

Why though? I was “in love” on my wedding day. Twenty years later, do I still love him? Sure but the infatuation definitely faded. I’m no longer obsessed with him.

I don’t see why these couples can’t last when that kind of thing fades anyway.

^ but she could have a “married affair” with a 9. I’ve seen it. The men affair down and know she will settle for scraps because she’s so happy to banging out of her league. She also likes to stick it to the pretty wife who retirements all the women in her life she’s jealous of going back to high school that got the good looking man. It’s no strings for him, but of course she gets overly emotionally attached and clingy until he ghosts and dumps her for it. She needs to hope her”4” spouse doesn’t dump her.

You speak truth to power, brother. I am not sure why women seem to ignore the "banging out of her league" phenomenon, but they do.

I first saw an excellent example of this phenomenon in my freshmen year at college. Chad, the very handsome president of the Fijis and easily a nine, was deep into his cups at a mixer with the Tri-Delts. Mary Lou, a freshman from my hometown and maybe a four (on a good day), uses her feminine charms to snare Chad for the night. The next day, Mary Lou tells everyone she and Chad are an item.

Sadly, Chad never calls Mary Lou, and he hooks up with another Tri-Delt (a strong eight) at the next mixer. Mary Lou is crushed, even more so when she finds out she is nowhere on Chad's radar. Mary Lou spends the following semester trying to catch Chad's attention again, to no avail. Meanwhile, Mary Lou resists all of her sisters' efforts to match her with other boys as "they just aren't Chad."

In the end, Mary Lou did not date until well into her junior year when she "settled" for a nice five from the town next to ours.

^ represents, not retirements