My ex sees our daughter Monday nights, Tuesday mornings, Thursday nights, Friday mornings, Saturday nights and most of Sunday. So every day except Wednesday. We occasionally switch off full weekends but typically we each get one day+night.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, listen to yourself. You started this by saying there's no acrimony. But you also seem to think you need to give up a lot of money to maintain a good relationship with him! How is that not acrimony?

You say he's a good dad, but you also seem to think you need to "support" his desire to see the kids by driving them over to him. Why can't he do any of the driving, if he's such a good dad and wants to see them so badly? If he were really a good parent would he need you to spend your time and energy supporting his parent-child relationship? Is he spending his time and energy supporting *your* parent-child relationship? I doubt it.

I guess I mean there's no acrimony because I work hard to makes sure there's no acrimony. I'm not acrimonious. I feel sorry for him and sorry for my kids. I don't hate him. I don't want this to get contentious. I'm not out to take him to the cleaners or anything like this. I just want my kids to have a dad.

Well, I think that is not "no acrimony". And it means that twice-a-day handoffs are not necessarily what's best for you and your kids. Kids can sense the tension. You, them, and him might be a lot happier with less frequent switching. Good boundaries make good neighbors, and less contact can really lower the temperature. Both-parents-every-day only works if you have a really good co-parent relationship, and it sounds like you actually don't, despite your efforts and capitulations.

Why does he only want them for Saturday mornings?

I said I would be really upset not having nights with them and he said well maybe more weekend time for you would even it out.

i can’t believe he proposed this. OP are you even able to see it?

If you don't want to give up the nights, why did you agree to giving up the nights? Was it for work?

Don't you see how that lets him opt out of basically all parenting except bedtime?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, listen to yourself. You started this by saying there's no acrimony. But you also seem to think you need to give up a lot of money to maintain a good relationship with him! How is that not acrimony?

You say he's a good dad, but you also seem to think you need to "support" his desire to see the kids by driving them over to him. Why can't he do any of the driving, if he's such a good dad and wants to see them so badly? If he were really a good parent would he need you to spend your time and energy supporting his parent-child relationship? Is he spending his time and energy supporting *your* parent-child relationship? I doubt it.

I guess I mean there's no acrimony because I work hard to makes sure there's no acrimony. I'm not acrimonious. I feel sorry for him and sorry for my kids. I don't hate him. I don't want this to get contentious. I'm not out to take him to the cleaners or anything like this. I just want my kids to have a dad.

Well, I think that is not "no acrimony". And it means that twice-a-day handoffs are not necessarily what's best for you and your kids. Kids can sense the tension. You, them, and him might be a lot happier with less frequent switching. Good boundaries make good neighbors, and less contact can really lower the temperature. Both-parents-every-day only works if you have a really good co-parent relationship, and it sounds like you actually don't, despite your efforts and capitulations.

Why does he only want them for Saturday mornings?

I said I would be really upset not having nights with them and he said well maybe more weekend time for you would even it out.

i can’t believe he proposed this. OP are you even able to see it?

Anonymous wrote:^^and you're right that there's an element of "if I don't nurture their relationship they won't have one". Maybe I need to drop the rope. That just seems to hurt my kids.

oh OP. I think I get it.

listen to me - you take 5- 6 nights a week, you get all the alimony & child support you are entitled to. he gets 1-2 nights a week and you tell him he can come see them whenever he wants to in the evenings (within reason).

Your jury-rigged plan to cultivate a relationship by sacrificing yourself is just not sensible and probably stressful for the kids. They shouldn’t have to transition every day between houses.

So-- he's not a very good father on his own, he cheated on you, and now he's leaving you even though your children are small. He's somehow convinced you to be his unpaid driving nanny. And now you're going to give him a large portion of your joint assets because you think somehow having more money will make him be a good father and stop mistreating you?

Come on. He has that money now and he's not a very good father and he's not treating you well. So why would the money make any difference? You are throwing away your children's inheritance in a futile attempt to buy a peace that will never come.

Sometimes men treat their exes *better* when they have more respect for their exes. When you stop being a doormat and instead have healthy boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, listen to yourself. You started this by saying there's no acrimony. But you also seem to think you need to give up a lot of money to maintain a good relationship with him! How is that not acrimony?

You say he's a good dad, but you also seem to think you need to "support" his desire to see the kids by driving them over to him. Why can't he do any of the driving, if he's such a good dad and wants to see them so badly? If he were really a good parent would he need you to spend your time and energy supporting his parent-child relationship? Is he spending his time and energy supporting *your* parent-child relationship? I doubt it.

I guess I mean there's no acrimony because I work hard to makes sure there's no acrimony. I'm not acrimonious. I feel sorry for him and sorry for my kids. I don't hate him. I don't want this to get contentious. I'm not out to take him to the cleaners or anything like this. I just want my kids to have a dad.

taking the 50% the law says you are entitled to is not “taking him to the cleaners.”

You also need to ask for alimony.

Cross out "lifestyle" and put in "my emergency fund and my children's inheritance" and maybe you'll care more.

Giving him money may avoid short-term conflict but it won't make him a good dad, and if you then run short of money there will be major stress on the kids and it will cause issues with him.

Figure out how much that amount of money will grow to in your retirement and you'll see why it matters.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He makes $2 mil/year?

For the love of G-d get a lawyer OP.

Get half the assets and get alimony and CS.

Guarantee he’ll remarry and could easily adopt the new woman’s kids. Get what you and your kids are owed. Your lifestyle is about to take. A huge hit.

I don't know why people think I don't have a lawyer. I spent the weekend emailing lawyers. I don't care about my lifestyle. I'm not someone who cares about that stuff. My question was specifically about seeing both parents every day.

You don't have the right to make the choice for your 3 minor children that you will impoverish yourself. Right now, not taking 50% of the *marital assets* is impoverishing yourself relative to your current financial situation. You might not care about your "lifestyle," but I promise you - if you opt out of receiving what you're due, your kids will pay the ultimate price.

Please wake up. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:And I should add, I was angry for years. My anger according to him was one of the reasons for his infidelity. I gave up being angry a long time ago. I just want peace.

I'm glad you want peace. I also want you to get as much money as possible. This is for your kids future. Good luck.

Do rotation every few days. He needs to arrange his own child care.

Anonymous wrote:And I should add, I was angry for years. My anger according to him was one of the reasons for his infidelity. I gave up being angry a long time ago. I just want peace.

I think peace is more likely to come from you having a backbone and some healthy boundaries. Peace will not come from giving him money. And I do not think that seeing each other twice a day is going to help you have peace. It's way too much interaction. You'll be better off with less, with disengagement, with giving him less space in your brain and taking up less space in his.

Maybe you've given up being angry but it still seems like you're trying to upwardly manage him into being a better, or at least different, father than he actually is. And I don't think peace comes from trying to change him. Peace comes from accepting who he is-- a bad husband and an only-okay father. It is what it is.

And I should add, I was angry for years. My anger according to him was one of the reasons for his infidelity. I gave up being angry a long time ago. I just want peace.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP but you come across as very passive. Why are you letting him decide how custody should be arranged? Why are you not mad he is leaving you?

Idk maybe my profession? Anger is a poison and only hurts yourself. Anger won't fix the situation or him. I can spend my time wallowing in anger or self pity or I can choose to move forward.

I'm sorry OP but you come across as very passive. Why are you letting him decide how custody should be arranged? Why are you not mad he is leaving you?