Married 18 years.
1) Married a good, decent human being. Someone with a sense of morals, doing the right thing even if it's not the easiest. It is not true that nice guys finish last. You want the nice guy.
2) Had realistic expectations of a long marriage. There will be times that are hard, boring, frustrating, etc., but if both people are in the marriage for the long haul, you're more likely to survive the seasons.
3) Luck. Knock on wood - a lot of things can derail a marriage beyond one's control like serious health issues, death, unemployment, etc.

Married someone who was nice to everyone not just me, and vice versa

Anonymous wrote:We have three kids. We bought a house on one income. More kids and less debt is a surprisingly successful combination.

Agreement on money makes marriage so much easier. Spouse and I have always shared one bank account never once questioned the other about any spending decision. We have been respectful of the family's finances since our wedding day, and it has worked.

Don't waste money on stupid stuff. Retail therapy is as bad as an unnecessary sports car.

We have three kids. We bought a house on one income. More kids and less debt is a surprisingly successful combination.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There really isn't a successful marriage, per se, unless you mean staying married. There's no secret sauce. People either stay married or not. But we know now that getting a divorce isn't necessarily a failure, and staying married isn't necessarily a success. It's an institution not a moral imperative.

If you are asking how to improve or maintain relationships, that's another whole question.

No I think it’s pretty self explanatory. Happy long lasting marriage is a real thing.

No lasting long marriage is 100% happy all the time

Almost 30 years together, and I think it comes down to patience, work, respect, trust, courteousness, communication, chemistry And shared goals. And above all, put each other #1.

We are still best friends… have always been that way. We genuinely like hanging out together. We go on dates pretty frequently and we make time for each other. We have couple friends, I have my circle, he has his. We do a lot of things separately. But the priority is always time together.

We don’t really have shared hobbies. But try to be enthusiastic of each other’s interests over the years.

We’re still very respectful and courteous of each other and I think this one is really hard sometimes. We try very hard not to hurt each other’s feelings purposely which when you’re mad, can be super easy to do. But if it happens, we talk about it in a respectful manner. We try to communicate.

The chemistry from day 1… hot. The sex is amazing. And frequent. During the times when we’ve felt disconnected over the years, we talk through it. Put in effort.

we have always been on the same page with life goals and what our future would look like. We shared a vision. And therefore we had to share a mission — this meant sometimes making sacrifices for the other person with the big decisions that are usually tied to ego money and careers. We do these things bc of that shared vision and a singular master plan.

We let a lot of the little things go. We don’t dwell.

We carry a lot of the load for the other person. And we don’t call it out, or remind the other of how much work we’re doing or what we think we’re sacrificing. We do it for each other, trusting that the other will equally be doing the same.

When my husband and I were in our pre marriage counseling session with our parish priest he gave us a great piece of advice: When you start to argue, start taking your clothes off. If the fight is silly you will quickly forget it when you are both naked and have some fun. If the fight is important you won't care that the other person is naked. Finish that argument but remember that your marriage is worth fighting for. In 24 years we only kept fighting once. It took an hour but we worked it out. The stripping our clothes off worked. It also trained us to stop and think before we argued. By the time we had kids old enough for us not to be naked in front of them we had figured out ways to work out the small stuff. After that one big fight we realized our kitchen window was open and the new next door neighbor (a newly divorced dad) had heard everything. He brought us a bottle of wine the next day and told us how happy he was that we kept at it. He said if he and his ex had put that much effort into a fight their marriage would have lasted. Most of what makes are marriage work is that we don't sweat the small stuff, we don't keep secrets from each other and we treat all of our parents the same. His mom means just as much to me as my mom does and vice versa. That part is easy because both sets of parents treated us both like family and not in laws. I know we are lucky in that part.

Anonymous wrote:1. prioritize our relationship over the kids
2. don't nag (women)
3. make lots of time for each other (weekly date, etc)

**very** happily married nearly 15 years 5 kids

This was a good, pithy list, until you blew it, PP, with the second item on the list.

Nagging is not exclusively something done by women. Either you're a woman with a low opinion of other women, or a man who believes only women are nags. Whichever is the case: Your personal experience isn't a universal truth for every woman (or man) ever. Pretty misogynistic to label nagging as an issue only for women.

Being okay with your decision to forgive your cheating wife.

Married 27 years

Mainly, we both want to remain married.

My Mom would stay with the kids for a week every year when they were small so that we could vacation together. That helped a lot during those intense parenting years.

+1 to PP who said low expectations. Don't try to be everything to each other.

Not having children.

Have your own interests and check your jealousy at the door.

Anonymous wrote:There really isn't a successful marriage, per se, unless you mean staying married. There's no secret sauce. People either stay married or not. But we know now that getting a divorce isn't necessarily a failure, and staying married isn't necessarily a success. It's an institution not a moral imperative.

If you are asking how to improve or maintain relationships, that's another whole question.

No I think it’s pretty self explanatory. Happy long lasting marriage is a real thing.

There really isn't a successful marriage, per se, unless you mean staying married. There's no secret sauce. People either stay married or not. But we know now that getting a divorce isn't necessarily a failure, and staying married isn't necessarily a success. It's an institution not a moral imperative.

If you are asking how to improve or maintain relationships, that's another whole question.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I did three things right.

1. I found someone compatible with me. My husband is not perfect, he has some significant flaws, but those are the flaws I can deal with or tune out from. He will probably say the same thing about me.

2. I did not do it on purpose, but while dating, we spent lots of time together- just the two of us (long distance dating makes you do that). I was shocked how many marriages fell apart during Covid, but then realized that many couples have never been forced to spend much time holed up together and had no idea how they would function in that closed loop. We did and liked it.

3. Contrary to the popular advice from therapists, I am very direct and don’t do manure sandwiches. I am not waiting for a “better” time to have a conversation or look for gentle way to tell him that e.g. loud chewing is disgusting. I just say hey, cut that out.

Huge red flag here. What you did right is that you married a submissive man.
Even simps like your DH have a breaking point where they stop putting up with your BS.

I married a man who considers me his equal. I bet your buddies don’t use therapy speak on you and you are handling it just fine. It’s just when women engage in a direct talk your fragility bubbles up. That would be a huge red flag for me.

Right? You said you are not looking for a gentle way to speak to your husband.
You just say: Hey, cut that out.
Wow! How disrespectful. Even an animal doesn't deserve to be talked to like that.