Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I ask this because all the men that I know spend very little time with their kids. They provide financially but make very little effort to spend time with their kids or parent. It seems like many men love the idea of a family but don’t actually want to be an active parent.

I remember watching Jimmy Kimmel and the dad’s couldn’t even get their kid’s birthday’s right. The mom’s knew all the answer’s

The problem is that you are thinking that spending time with the kids equals loving them. You can spend time with kids and hate them. There are different ways to show love.
Men and women express love differently.

I've always heard that for men, they need to physically spend time with a woman to maintain that connection. Is that not the same for their relationship with their kids?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do men love their kids? Like truly love their kids or do they just take care of them out of obligation?

They don’t take care of them.
They love the idea of their kids and being an adult with kids. But….

Their priorities are themselves (their food, sleep, entertainment) and their work image.

Then there’s a big gap and the house, elderly parents, kids, maybe the wife come way later. They get the occasional leftover mindshare or energy.

Here’s a good test.

What are the last 5-10 topics Parent A proactively brought up to the household to Parent B or to a child.

What are the last 5-10 topics Parent B proactively brought up to the household.

Then categorize those topics as personal centric, office work centric, child-centric, spouse centric, house property centric, or family centric.

Then you’ll know where priorities and mindshare stand. Whether male or female.

Parent A : updated parent B on info learned at 6th grade orientation (parent A was off work so made sense to go since it started at 3). - child centric
Updated parent B that sports stuff was all set - child centric
Updated Parent B about changes to parent As flight for personal vacation next week - personal centric
Asked parent B to switch over laundry that had been started when leaving for orientation - house centric
Told parent B about reservations made for Monday for dinner - relationship centric


Parent B Asked if any additional kids decided they were coming over after orientation so they got the right amount of pizzas - child centric
Worked out with parent A plans for getting to the airport - spouse centric I guess
Asked parent A if they needed to pick up any more school supplies while they were out. Then helped DS get his school stuff together - house and kid centric
Told parent A they were taking care of dinner tonight and had picked out a movie for them to watch after DS went to bed - family/spouse centric
Reminded parent A they were taking DS to a faire tomorrow while parent B was working - child centric

Anonymous wrote:I stayed in a bad marriage until my kids went to college because I love them. My kids and I are still close. Now that I'm divorced, I hear about dads who don't care about their kids much. I also know a lot of grown women whose fathers didn't care much. Some of those women really go after me hard. Some of them really go after men who treat women and kids badly.

A lot of truth to this. I had a dad who just never really gave a damn about me or my siblings and still doesn't. I think he's a true narcissist -- I don't think he has the capacity to care about anyone but himself. He stayed married to my mom because she does everything for him including taking care of his kids. She's grown a bit of a spine in the last decade and while she stays with him for financial reasons (she has never had a full time job) she takes a bit more space for herself.

I don't assume every man is like my dad but I am probably suspicious of men automatically because within the community I grew up in I don't think people really recognized what a crap dad my dad was. He was a prominent business man and successful and I think people assumed he was a good father because of this. Ironically one of the ways in which my dad neglected us was by gambling away a lot of his money or just spending it on frivolous things for himself while making his kids go without. Like he'd blow two grand on tickets to a football game and then forget to go but if you asked him for new sneakers because your old ones were worn out he'd get mad. But people had no idea. Even now if I visit my home town people will gush over my dad and say how lucky I am. I guess people never really saw how he rarely spoke to us or about us. The assumed we were loved and cared for because people assume a well off family with a good provider and a sahm must be a good home.

Anyway so now I am skeptical about men. But my DH definitely loves his kids. Some part of me will likely always worry that he could stop though. That's childhood abuse and neglect though -- you never fully unlearn the lessons of your childhood. I judge my DH by what he does which is great. But some part of me would not be surprised if he walked out on his kids or just stopped loving them because they were too hard or pushed back too much. I learned from my dad that parents do not always love or care for their kids. It's not a given.

Lololol.

How many kids saved per year by caring dad reflexes?



Versus mom reflexes:




Dads ftw.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do men love their kids? Like truly love their kids or do they just take care of them out of obligation?

They don’t take care of them.
They love the idea of their kids and being an adult with kids. But….

Their priorities are themselves (their food, sleep, entertainment) and their work image.

Then there’s a big gap and the house, elderly parents, kids, maybe the wife come way later. They get the occasional leftover mindshare or energy.

Here’s a good test.

What are the last 5-10 topics Parent A proactively brought up to the household to Parent B or to a child.

What are the last 5-10 topics Parent B proactively brought up to the household.

Then categorize those topics as personal centric, office work centric, child-centric, spouse centric, house property centric, or family centric.

Then you’ll know where priorities and mindshare stand. Whether male or female.

I can’t remember everything we’ve talked about over the past few days but I looked back at texts. Here are topics brought up.

DH:

Idea for what to make for dinner tonight. (He is cooking it).

Logistics of enrolling a kid in a new extracurricular.

Saw something posted in Buy Nothing that maybe one of our kids could use.

Update on how a kid did at school drop off.

Letting me know we’re low on milk, asking if I can get some while I’m out.

Me:

Letting him know I already ordered something needed for a sports practice.

Bringing up recurrent charge on our credit card/should we cancel this.

Discussion of coordinating travel with out of town family.

Real time updates with video of how a kid activity is going.

Logistics of who is taking a kid to/from a birthday party coming up this weekend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, Dh loves our kids. Here are some signs. When DD was a newborn, she had insane reflux and never slept. He worked, and I was SAHM, and three nights per week, he slept with her on his chest. He drove from his job in Canada at least once a month for over 11 hours just to spend weekends with the kids during the pandemic.
When they were old enough to ride bikes but still in elementary school, he would take bike rides with them that were a couple of hours long and stop for ice cream and other snacks.

I have million examples, but not sure what would you take as an example of love?

I would say that he was incredibly moved when I gave birth to our first born and thanked me for giving him a child.
They are now young adults out of college and working, and his love for them is even stronger.

This is the difference between men and women. For men, it’s acceptable to move to another country as long as they spend one weekend a month with their kids. If a mother did that, she’d be labeled a bad mother for leaving her kids.

It’s different kinds of love. Men love their kids but put their desires first. Women love their kids and put their kids first.

Men love their kids and support them. Women love their kids and want to be entertained by them.

Lol.

More like:
men love their kids and treat them like ego props.

Women love, care and worry about their kids and actively raise them.

Such a stupid thread.

Reality bites! Shine a light on the darkness!
Don’t like what you see? Be the change!

It’s more a case that the premise has been unequivocally rejected.

Anonymous wrote:I stayed in a bad marriage until my kids went to college because I love them. My kids and I are still close. Now that I'm divorced, I hear about dads who don't care about their kids much. I also know a lot of grown women whose fathers didn't care much. Some of those women really go after me hard. Some of them really go after men who treat women and kids badly.

Many of us did.

My ex spouses’s side is littered with gray divorces or earlier and estranged fathers who can’t related to anyone. But they also share the same mental disorders and refuse to treat it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, Dh loves our kids. Here are some signs. When DD was a newborn, she had insane reflux and never slept. He worked, and I was SAHM, and three nights per week, he slept with her on his chest. He drove from his job in Canada at least once a month for over 11 hours just to spend weekends with the kids during the pandemic.
When they were old enough to ride bikes but still in elementary school, he would take bike rides with them that were a couple of hours long and stop for ice cream and other snacks.

I have million examples, but not sure what would you take as an example of love?

I would say that he was incredibly moved when I gave birth to our first born and thanked me for giving him a child.
They are now young adults out of college and working, and his love for them is even stronger.

This is the difference between men and women. For men, it’s acceptable to move to another country as long as they spend one weekend a month with their kids. If a mother did that, she’d be labeled a bad mother for leaving her kids.

It’s different kinds of love. Men love their kids but put their desires first. Women love their kids and put their kids first.

Men love their kids and support them. Women love their kids and want to be entertained by them.

Lol.

More like:
men love their kids and treat them like ego props.

Women love, care and worry about their kids and actively raise them.

Such a stupid thread.

Reality bites! Shine a light on the darkness!
Don’t like what you see? Be the change!

Anonymous wrote:Do men love their kids? Like truly love their kids or do they just take care of them out of obligation?

Yes
No
No


Love is a concept.
Caring for is love in action.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, Dh loves our kids. Here are some signs. When DD was a newborn, she had insane reflux and never slept. He worked, and I was SAHM, and three nights per week, he slept with her on his chest. He drove from his job in Canada at least once a month for over 11 hours just to spend weekends with the kids during the pandemic.
When they were old enough to ride bikes but still in elementary school, he would take bike rides with them that were a couple of hours long and stop for ice cream and other snacks.

I have million examples, but not sure what would you take as an example of love?

I would say that he was incredibly moved when I gave birth to our first born and thanked me for giving him a child.
They are now young adults out of college and working, and his love for them is even stronger.

This is the difference between men and women. For men, it’s acceptable to move to another country as long as they spend one weekend a month with their kids. If a mother did that, she’d be labeled a bad mother for leaving her kids.

It’s different kinds of love. Men love their kids but put their desires first. Women love their kids and put their kids first.

Men love their kids and support them. Women love their kids and want to be entertained by them.

Lol.

More like:
men love their kids and treat them like ego props.

Women love, care and worry about their kids and actively raise them.

Such a stupid thread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, Dh loves our kids. Here are some signs. When DD was a newborn, she had insane reflux and never slept. He worked, and I was SAHM, and three nights per week, he slept with her on his chest. He drove from his job in Canada at least once a month for over 11 hours just to spend weekends with the kids during the pandemic.
When they were old enough to ride bikes but still in elementary school, he would take bike rides with them that were a couple of hours long and stop for ice cream and other snacks.

I have million examples, but not sure what would you take as an example of love?

I would say that he was incredibly moved when I gave birth to our first born and thanked me for giving him a child.
They are now young adults out of college and working, and his love for them is even stronger.

This is the difference between men and women. For men, it’s acceptable to move to another country as long as they spend one weekend a month with their kids. If a mother did that, she’d be labeled a bad mother for leaving her kids.

It’s different kinds of love. Men love their kids but put their desires first. Women love their kids and put their kids first.

Men love their kids and support them. Women love their kids and want to be entertained by them.

Lol.

More like:
men love their kids and treat them like ego props.

Women love, care and worry about their kids and actively raise them.

Anonymous wrote:Do men love their kids? Like truly love their kids or do they just take care of them out of obligation?

IDFK, are you ignorant or just stupid?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do men love their kids? Like truly love their kids or do they just take care of them out of obligation?

They don’t take care of them.
They love the idea of their kids and being an adult with kids. But….

Their priorities are themselves (their food, sleep, entertainment) and their work image.

Then there’s a big gap and the house, elderly parents, kids, maybe the wife come way later. They get the occasional leftover mindshare or energy.

Here’s a good test.

What are the last 5-10 topics Parent A proactively brought up to the household to Parent B or to a child.

What are the last 5-10 topics Parent B proactively brought up to the household.

Then categorize those topics as personal centric, office work centric, child-centric, spouse centric, house property centric, or family centric.

Then you’ll know where priorities and mindshare stand. Whether male or female.

A said:
-Where should we go for Labor Day weekend, this lake or that lake?
-Older kid didn’t know how to study for grade 5 math test, how shall we help her? I have some ideas, you?
-I called the plumber about the leaky faucet and toilet oring. he's coming at 10am, let him in, he’s been briefed.
-let’s call the grandparents tomorrow about Thanksgiving ideas!

B said:
-I’m tired and taking a nap until 6pm. Wake me up for dinner
-Wanna watch a movie right now? Which one?
-I have a stomach ache.
-I’ll be working a lot this Labor Day weekend
-I lost more weight on Wegbound. Time for you know what!

My husband loves our son. We had trouble conceiving, went through many rounds of fertility treatments and finally exhausted we decided that we wouldn't be parents. I had to move on and live our life as a family of 2. It still hurt but we were dealing with it. About a year after we decided to stop trying, my husband came to me and said he really wanted to be a parent and would I consider adoption. Long story short, we are parents to an amazing 7 year old boy.

The men I've observed, mostly the dads of my son's friends are excellent parents. They seem to share equally in the drudgery and day to day work of parenting. They coach various teams, spend time with their kids doing all kinds of activities like biking, skiing, hiking, etc. They do the carpools, school/camp pickups, birthday parties. The ones I see are very involved in their kids lives. They don't resent the kids. Some may have hobbies of their own but none of them are to the exclusion of their kids.

I can't say that every household I know is perfect but it isn't because the dads aren't involved.

I stayed in a bad marriage until my kids went to college because I love them. My kids and I are still close. Now that I'm divorced, I hear about dads who don't care about their kids much. I also know a lot of grown women whose fathers didn't care much. Some of those women really go after me hard. Some of them really go after men who treat women and kids badly.