Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're being overly dramatic - that's provincial thinking. And it's a mindset other people avoid. They spread their wings and head out into the big, wide world.

It's always why Americans are increasingly lonely and we've seen a collapse of the family unit. Existing as islands in the big, wide world has had disastrous effects on society.

OP, I agree with you. Will push for my kids to stay on this coast. I moved away from home and it has been hard on my parents. My DH is not from the US and he finds the entire system completely insane.

I agree. And ppl don’t think enough about this, esp as they age. There is an epidemic of loneliness in this country. And it’s in large part bc people move away from family, even if they don’t have to.

I wish we had more family close. But our jobs -taken when we were young- are not transferable to out small midwestern area.

I moved far away from home for school and it was the best thing I ever did. My family is extremely toxic and I couldn't get away fast enough. Never had the desire to live close to any of them.

I think this is the answer. Kids who want to go far want to do it for a reason. Kids who are from living homes who feel supported and valued and accepted for who they are don’t feel the need to escape.

For a lot of people, it's more about wanting the experience of living in a different place. Why would you want to stay in one location your entire life? College is the easiest time to try something else. Kids who are from loving families who feel supported and valued and and accepted know that they will always have strong bonds with their family, regardless of where they live.

I agree with this.

Mine did.

It works for us. We go weeks without seeing them. They are growing and enjoying their school for the most part. They had many options and chose the one they liked the best.

They will have money leftover in their college savings account, so that will be rolled over into an IRA for them. They'll have an early start on retirement savings.

I can see the benefit of going to another geographical area and the benefit of staying near home. I don't judge what people choose. Some want to explore, and some don't. Some have lots of money to pay for airline tickets and private or OOS schools, and some don't.

They likely want to go into a field that has a lot of jobs in the DC area, so being here is a plus for them as far as their career goes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think part of it is people make excuses for why their kid didn’t go to a better school - “too far away” and sometimes don’t want to admit they could not afford anything but a local school (which is a legitimate reason in my book to stay close) . Distance, for college, does not diminish family values or connection. That’s ridiculous. I mean if someone joins the military and is deployed it doesn’t mean their family is not close nor does it mean they don’t make it a priority.

This. When I hear that a child went to a local college and not the state flagship, I think ‘didn’t save, couldn’t afford it and or didn’t have the grades.’ You can say family priorities until the cows come home, it’s merely validation. There is no way a kid declines Stanford if they have the chops and money to go.

Your post at first compares a "local college" to a "state flagship" before bringing Stanford into the mix. At first, it sounds like you are saying you think people could not afford a stage college if they attend a "local" college? What is a "local college"?

Explaining like you’re 5 years old.
What is the state flagship in your state?
A local state college is everything else…….

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think part of it is people make excuses for why their kid didn’t go to a better school - “too far away” and sometimes don’t want to admit they could not afford anything but a local school (which is a legitimate reason in my book to stay close) . Distance, for college, does not diminish family values or connection. That’s ridiculous. I mean if someone joins the military and is deployed it doesn’t mean their family is not close nor does it mean they don’t make it a priority.

This. When I hear that a child went to a local college and not the state flagship, I think ‘didn’t save, couldn’t afford it and or didn’t have the grades.’ You can say family priorities until the cows come home, it’s merely validation. There is no way a kid declines Stanford if they have the chops and money to go.

Your post at first compares a "local college" to a "state flagship" before bringing Stanford into the mix. At first, it sounds like you are saying you think people could not afford a stage college if they attend a "local" college? What is a "local college"?

Anonymous wrote:I think part of it is people make excuses for why their kid didn’t go to a better school - “too far away” and sometimes don’t want to admit they could not afford anything but a local school (which is a legitimate reason in my book to stay close) . Distance, for college, does not diminish family values or connection. That’s ridiculous. I mean if someone joins the military and is deployed it doesn’t mean their family is not close nor does it mean they don’t make it a priority.

This. When I hear that a child went to a local college and not the state flagship, I think ‘didn’t save, couldn’t afford it and or didn’t have the grades.’ You can say family priorities until the cows come home, it’s merely validation. There is no way a kid declines Stanford if they have the chops and money to go.

Anonymous wrote:All I know is that I will hear people say “you’re so lucky you live near your kids’ grandparents,” or “you’re so lucky your adult children can come over for dinners.” It’s not luck. It’s families making it a priority to be in the same location. Nobody can say that it’s as easy to see their family that is 2k miles away as their family in the next town.

+1. This. It takes effort and sacrifice. Everyone complains about how lonely and miserable they are but they don't want to make the sacrifices to prioritize family. But they'll read a million self-help articles on how to overcome loneliness by going for walks. Honestly, the way we're moving forward as a society is really sad. Americans are miserable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up on the east coast, then went to college in the midwest, and it was so mind-opening for me. Being far from home showed me that a lot of things I’d taken for granted, assuming “that’s just how people are,” were in fact regionally-specific cultural traits that I could choose to keep, or not. It really opened my world, and parts of myself, in a way that I’m grateful for today.

Because going far from home was so meaningful for me, I encouraged my kids to consider schools that were in different parts of the country and in communities that felt different from the world they’d known. One did, and had a similar experience to mine. We’ll see about kid #2.

I understand why people wouldn’t want their kids to go far, of course. But I’m very glad I did.

We just dropped our first kid off to college in the midwest and your words gave me a lot of comfort. Thanks!

PP. Oh wow! Big congrats to them! I really did love the experience, and I hope your kid does, too.

Anonymous wrote:My mother thought she was just the absolute Best Parent Ever, while I knew I had to get far away as soon as possible for my mental health.

Me too.. I did great in college after struggling some in HS. I support where ever my kid wants to go that we can afford.

One of mine really wants to go to UVA and one really wants to go to UCLA! I am really close to both. The one who wants to go to UCLA has asked if she could fly home every month. I told her not likely! She just started high school so at this point I know all of this could change a million times.

I think part of it is people make excuses for why their kid didn’t go to a better school - “too far away” and sometimes don’t want to admit they could not afford anything but a local school (which is a legitimate reason in my book to stay close) . Distance, for college, does not diminish family values or connection. That’s ridiculous. I mean if someone joins the military and is deployed it doesn’t mean their family is not close nor does it mean they don’t make it a priority.

Unless your family is horribly toxic, I think most would like to be able to be close to their families as they start families.

We have thought about moving my MIL here before (after my FIL passed), but that would take her from all her friends and the rest of the family.

We have considered moving there and bringing my family (I’m an only and my parents were willing). That didn’t work out for us because of jobs, and because of the current political mess in that state, I can’t say I’m sad to not be there.

We at one point considered getting legal custody of our niece and nephew. That has all shaken out ok, thankfully.

Ideal world for us would be all our family and friends living in one place. But that’s not the real world. You make the best of your situation.

We still have good relationships with our families. We don’t see them all the time, but the pros of us being where we are outweigh moving. Doesn’t mean we don’t have times being closer would be nice, but we have made peace with our situation and do the best we can to see them as we can.

My mom thought I might move back home after college, but she also knew I made the best decision for me. She’s not mad at me-she’s proud of me.

If the perfect school for your kid is close to home, great. It’s no guarantee they will come home after school is over, though.

Just stop making assumptions about others and their families based on where their kid chooses to attend school.

The one thing my mother REFUSED to do was limit my choices for school. Her dad limited her and she never got over it.

All I know is that I will hear people say “you’re so lucky you live near your kids’ grandparents,” or “you’re so lucky your adult children can come over for dinners.” It’s not luck. It’s families making it a priority to be in the same location. Nobody can say that it’s as easy to see their family that is 2k miles away as their family in the next town.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're being overly dramatic - that's provincial thinking. And it's a mindset other people avoid. They spread their wings and head out into the big, wide world.

It's always why Americans are increasingly lonely and we've seen a collapse of the family unit. Existing as islands in the big, wide world has had disastrous effects on society.

OP, I agree with you. Will push for my kids to stay on this coast. I moved away from home and it has been hard on my parents. My DH is not from the US and he finds the entire system completely insane.

I agree. And ppl don’t think enough about this, esp as they age. There is an epidemic of loneliness in this country. And it’s in large part bc people move away from family, even if they don’t have to.

I wish we had more family close. But our jobs -taken when we were young- are not transferable to out small midwestern area.

I moved far away from home for school and it was the best thing I ever did. My family is extremely toxic and I couldn't get away fast enough. Never had the desire to live close to any of them.

I think this is the answer. Kids who want to go far want to do it for a reason. Kids who are from living homes who feel supported and valued and accepted for who they are don’t feel the need to escape.

For a lot of people, it's more about wanting the experience of living in a different place. Why would you want to stay in one location your entire life? College is the easiest time to try something else. Kids who are from loving families who feel supported and valued and and accepted know that they will always have strong bonds with their family, regardless of where they live.

I posted earlier but have to say this is a nice sentiment. Until your not able to attend holidays, etc. easily. Until you see your family spending time together w/o you. Until your family ages and until you age.

I'm not saying don't move away to experience things. But this "spread your wings" and leave home is not something that is necessarily best in the long run if you have a loving family.

You seriously just typed this?? I’m not about to argue with you but I can’t people people actually have such a limited view.

Limited view? I moved many states away from family, though we have limited family nearby through my DH. And esp now that family is getting older, it is very, very hard to be far. We have also missed out on a lot.

And people like you are assuming we are so provincial. We've traveled all over the world, as has our kids. Our view is anything but limited. It is just different from yours and you're the one getting all bent out of shape over it.

DP: because you are insulting families whose kids do spread their wings and go more than 2-3 hours from home. You stated it's not the best thing if you have a loving family. Many of us disagree with that. My kids were not "escaping their unloving family" by attending college 2-3K miles from home. Instead they were fully supported to choose THE BEST FITTING COLLEGE for them and purse that. As a parent, that is the ultimate goal, to have your kid become a happy, successful adult who loves life.

I chose where I live---it's not near my parents. My parents wanted to live on 3 acres and farm for themselves. That is not me or my husband. Why would I restrict my kids?!?!?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're being overly dramatic - that's provincial thinking. And it's a mindset other people avoid. They spread their wings and head out into the big, wide world.

It's always why Americans are increasingly lonely and we've seen a collapse of the family unit. Existing as islands in the big, wide world has had disastrous effects on society.

OP, I agree with you. Will push for my kids to stay on this coast. I moved away from home and it has been hard on my parents. My DH is not from the US and he finds the entire system completely insane.

This. Definitely this. I LOVE that my now college age students are within a two/three hour (depending on traffic patterns) of our home. They choose to be home for every family celebration, often bringing a group of friends with them. We are so unbelievably blessed to have such a close family unit (both extended and our own) and we do everything to nurture our family gatherings to the max. Family is everything and we count our blessings that we did not "screw" up in the parenting department.

If they’re ambitious, you have no guarantees they’ll stay local if they get job offers somewhere else. Also, people often move for spouses or spouses careers.

+1

We have moved around in our 33+ years of marriage. Lived in 5 places, with 3 of them being 5 years, 13 years and 10 years and counting. We are in our final place now, have the retirement home(s). We will just travel as needed to see the kids. But we certainly didn't put our careers and aspirations on hold just to live nearby family. God help us if we had as where our parents lived was not a tech hub (we are both techies). We would have been miserable.
Instead we did what we wanted, we travel to see family, when parents were able to travel we paid for them to come visit as often as they wanted.

Our kids are still close to their grandparents, even if they didn't see them weekly/daily growing up

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:💯 agree.
Really pushing my kids to apply to school closer to home.
The quandary comes when you were deciding between a nearby state Flagship, even if out of state and very well regarded, and an Ivy League school. What do you do?

Mine chose flagship. The money difference is astronomical.

Mine chose private out of state. The money difference is astronomical.