Anonymous
08/11/2024 15:00
Subject: Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff
Boy bye! That's all you need to say. Talking to him sounds futile. I doubt he is going to fix what is going to make you happy in this relationship and if he does fix it, it's probably only temporary. Have you read some of the unhappy spouses posting on other threads about how their significant other is depressed/won't help out/is stingy. You are not married yet and don't have any kids. Run!!!!!
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks everyone. I am going to talk to him this week. If he wants to fix it/talk through the issue at hand rather than just be passive aggressive, great. If not, bye.
Anonymous
08/11/2024 14:55
Subject: Re:Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff
OP: why don't you offer him to sit down and prepare a spreadsheet budget? It's unfair for you to pay 50% for eating out if 1) he is the one wanting to eat out whereby you might be happy to grab yogurt at home. Happened to me: men eat a lot ! 2) If you make 1/4 of what he makes, then you should contribute to joint expenses pro-rata your income, not 50/50
Just offer this is a calm manner, first determine what joint expenses you have (and eating out on his insistence is not), and the ratio of contribution to make everyone feel it's fair
It's an adult conversation people have after discussing exclusivity but he skipped it as he insisted on paying for everything himself. You should revisit it, instead of quitting, IMHO (of course if he is nice with you otherwise, but that is a different issue).
Just offer this is a calm manner, first determine what joint expenses you have (and eating out on his insistence is not), and the ratio of contribution to make everyone feel it's fair
It's an adult conversation people have after discussing exclusivity but he skipped it as he insisted on paying for everything himself. You should revisit it, instead of quitting, IMHO (of course if he is nice with you otherwise, but that is a different issue).
Anonymous
08/11/2024 14:29
Subject: Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks everyone. I am going to talk to him this week. If he wants to fix it/talk through the issue at hand rather than just be passive aggressive, great. If not, bye.
What is there to fix? Even if he decides to approach the money thing with less of an attitude, it sounds like he's not bringing you a lot of joy or happiness. Are you really committed to this relationship?
Anonymous
08/11/2024 14:18
Subject: Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff
Op here. Thanks everyone. I am going to talk to him this week. If he wants to fix it/talk through the issue at hand rather than just be passive aggressive, great. If not, bye.
Anonymous
08/11/2024 14:17
Subject: Re:Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:New poster. The bold above is important, I think. What changed?
What changed is he got tired of her constant freeloading and his hints about it didn’t work so he had to go with a blunt direct approach.
He’s 37. I’m not sure what 37 year old man thinks “dropping hints” about something as important as money is better than communicating openly and honestly.
He is 37. There is a reason why the good ones are taken by that age.
Op Oh god lol don’t make me feel worse! I’m 31! It’s not like I can date a 25 year old! Everyone I date will be in their 30s!
Anonymous
08/11/2024 12:03
Subject: Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff
37, single, and seems a bit stingy and very tacky - NO NO NO
Anonymous
08/11/2024 11:41
Subject: Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add I am 31 and I'm starting to get scared. I don't want to be single but even I am (clearly, if I am posting here) starting to realize it might be time to call it quits and go back to being single, even at 31
You are young, get out now. I wish someone had told me I was young at 31 instead of marrying the guy didn’t want to marry and hunting up divorced 10 years later with two kids.
You can start over this weekend. End it. Don’t look back.
Exactly this.
Anonymous
08/11/2024 11:38
Subject: Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff
Anonymous wrote:Imagine having kids with him and every expense is a tit for tat. Someone who is so vocally equitable isn’t going to magically throw their money into a joint account and that’s how you pay for bills and soccer and cleats and tutoring. You’ll be fighting over who is responsible for each and every thing for the rest of your life.
Move on. The longer you stay, the more you lessen your chances of finding a solid man to marry, to have kids with, etc. At 31, you should be dating intentionally, but not dating to your detriment.
This is an excellent point. Take this new information about him and apply it theoretically to how he would handle family finances, OP. As with dating you, will he start out acting as if there are no worries about who pays for what, and then suddenly begin score-keeping? What if he signals that he's fine with, say, your staying home with kid(s) and then later you find out he resents you for "not contributing financially" and other bean-counting you didn't even know was going on in his head? I say this as a DW whose husband has always been-- before and after kids--100 percent about "It's our money, not 'my' money." You don't want anything less than a partner who has that attitude. And the attitude should be the same if the woman makes more money and the man makes less or the man stays home!
Anonymous
08/11/2024 09:32
Subject: Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff
Imagine having kids with him and every expense is a tit for tat. Someone who is so vocally equitable isn’t going to magically throw their money into a joint account and that’s how you pay for bills and soccer and cleats and tutoring. You’ll be fighting over who is responsible for each and every thing for the rest of your life.
Move on. The longer you stay, the more you lessen your chances of finding a solid man to marry, to have kids with, etc. At 31, you should be dating intentionally, but not dating to your detriment.
Move on. The longer you stay, the more you lessen your chances of finding a solid man to marry, to have kids with, etc. At 31, you should be dating intentionally, but not dating to your detriment.
Anonymous
08/11/2024 06:30
Subject: Re:Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:New poster. The bold above is important, I think. What changed?
What changed is he got tired of her constant freeloading and his hints about it didn’t work so he had to go with a blunt direct approach.
He’s 37. I’m not sure what 37 year old man thinks “dropping hints” about something as important as money is better than communicating openly and honestly.
He is 37. There is a reason why the good ones are taken by that age.
Anonymous
08/10/2024 22:16
Subject: Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ugh what a turnoff.
OP, any other problematic traits? There have to be others.
Yes. Really the worst of it is that he is one of the most negative human beings I have ever met. For example, his birthday was a couple weeks ago and when he called me after work I was like "Happy birthday!" and his response was "I'm 37 and old and life has no meaning anymore." Wtf?
He just always has something negative to say about his own life, society at large (he literally thinks America is ending and will cease to exist in the next ten years...) or others.
The other is that he is constantly giving feedback when I don't want feedback and am just venting. For example I will say "Ugh, my boss was so rude today about XYZ" and instead of saying "that sucks I'm sorry" he will say "You should ask her about ABC" (which 9 times out of ten I already have, I am just venting). Although in fairness to him, this is a male trait in general, I think?
I think your man sounds depressed about life in general….I mean his doomsday thinking is really over the top.
You may want to break up w/this guy & find someone who isn’t such a downer in general.
I couldn’t stick it out with someone who is so negative.
About EVERYthing.
Sheesh.🙄
Anonymous
08/10/2024 22:01
Subject: Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff
Anonymous wrote:So, sounds like he’s not generous, keeps score, and has a negative outlook on life.
This is not a person you want to create a family or life with.
Don’t let your BF get in the way of your DH.
+1 it only gets worse
Anonymous
08/10/2024 21:33
Subject: Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff
You are SO young, honey. Break up with the dude. There are men in their 30s who know how to be happy.
(FWIW I think it's likely that the US may collapse within the next 10 years, but that makes me even more determined to eke joy out of my days!!!)
(FWIW I think it's likely that the US may collapse within the next 10 years, but that makes me even more determined to eke joy out of my days!!!)
Anonymous
08/10/2024 19:51
Subject: Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff
So, sounds like he’s not generous, keeps score, and has a negative outlook on life.
This is not a person you want to create a family or life with.
Don’t let your BF get in the way of your DH.
This is not a person you want to create a family or life with.
Don’t let your BF get in the way of your DH.
Anonymous
08/10/2024 19:30
Subject: Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff
Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add I am 31 and I'm starting to get scared. I don't want to be single but even I am (clearly, if I am posting here) starting to realize it might be time to call it quits and go back to being single, even at 31
Please dump him. You don’t a life tied to sniveling score keeper.