Anonymous
Post 06/26/2024 22:21     Subject: How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?
I am very grateful my parents moved to me. I rarely hear of kids moving to parents.

I also think it’s telling you call your spouse their stepdad. My friends whose parents remarried after they were adults say “my mom’s husband”. You also say you weren’t close to them.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2024 22:13     Subject: How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I moved from a city I loved (New York) and to be close to my parents here when I had my second kid (NOVA). It was a very tough decision because both DH and I love NYC and had lived there since our college years.

Do you know how my mom enticed us? She is retired, Asian (key fact), and together with my dad's help they take care of both my kids FULL-TIME, and does it better than I could because she has the experience and is not stressed from trying to juggle work. They handle all the drops-offs with the older one in part-time preschool, take care of the baby from 8-8pm (and would stay even later if we wanted her to), handle all the sick days. She even manages to ALSO help us out around the house, keeping the house immaculate and always cooking us delicious food. We are literally saving hundreds of thousands of dollars we would have paid in expensive, full time care for both in NYC. We get to see our kids plenty everyday but without the stress. We have time for ourselves, our hobbies, and to spend with each other. We also love seeing our kids develop a strong bond with both of their (real) grandparents. It's honestly brought me closer to my parents than I ever thought I could be.

And even so, we still miss our old NYC life every so often, and we might move back once the kids are in elementary school, because we miss the diversity and walkability and all that NYC has to offer for children. So.... your offer isn't very enticing for people who otherwise have no interest in living in DC.




Will you do what your mom does now for your adult kids some day?


If I am healthy and able - absolutely! My mom and dad are having so much fun taking care of my kids , they say it makes them feel younger.

I know this level of grandparents help isn’t common outside of Asian families. I wasn’t even expecting it because I’m second generation and married an American. My husband is beyond shocked this is not uncommon in Asian families.


I guess I can't relate. My parents would not be able to take care of two small kids that way, at all. They did help during vacations, after birth...But what you describe sounds HARD, like a full time nanny/housekeeper job.


My husband said the same thing. The household dynamic is pretty different in Asian families - it's not uncommon/weird at all for parents to help out around the house. If my MIL tried to help clean up our space I'd be extremely uncomfortable, luckily she never would offer lol. Of course we don't treat her like a servant or anything. When we are not sick or swamped with work we do our own cooking and cleaning, but Asians moms just don't stop moving so when she's over at our house she will be always doing something for us. It's their love language. She still cooks everyday for themselves so she loves nothing more than if we also join with the kids. And when we are over at their house my husband will help with whatever home maintenance issue they happen to have. As for taking care of the kids my dad also helps (he's also retired but in good health) so it's a very different experience for my mom than a full-time nanny who's schlepping two kid around and counting down toward the end of her work day. They love our kids to bits and spam me with selfies of them doing fun stuff all day when I'm working.


I've seen this movie before but in a fully Asian household. When the kids are small, it seems to work. But when the kids get older...
My Asian friend's mother lived with her eldest son, in the traditional Chinese manner of expectations.
She cooked, cleaned and took care of the kids. The Asian wife (vietnamese) didn't like MIL and when the kids aged into teens, they also weren't crazy about MIL. MIL kept cooking stuff even if they didn't want to eat it. When they wanted quiet family time just amongst themselves, MIL seemed like an intruder. The fact that MIL didn't have a life outside of her son's family was something they blanched at. The grandkids did not admire her, nor look up to her. Because, well, she behaved like a servant. And she was always omnipresent, hovering around.
Eventually she moved out and the family dynamic between MIL and the DIL and kids has improved.
But it was pretty bad for a few years there.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2024 21:08     Subject: How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I moved from a city I loved (New York) and to be close to my parents here when I had my second kid (NOVA). It was a very tough decision because both DH and I love NYC and had lived there since our college years.

Do you know how my mom enticed us? She is retired, Asian (key fact), and together with my dad's help they take care of both my kids FULL-TIME, and does it better than I could because she has the experience and is not stressed from trying to juggle work. They handle all the drops-offs with the older one in part-time preschool, take care of the baby from 8-8pm (and would stay even later if we wanted her to), handle all the sick days. She even manages to ALSO help us out around the house, keeping the house immaculate and always cooking us delicious food. We are literally saving hundreds of thousands of dollars we would have paid in expensive, full time care for both in NYC. We get to see our kids plenty everyday but without the stress. We have time for ourselves, our hobbies, and to spend with each other. We also love seeing our kids develop a strong bond with both of their (real) grandparents. It's honestly brought me closer to my parents than I ever thought I could be.

And even so, we still miss our old NYC life every so often, and we might move back once the kids are in elementary school, because we miss the diversity and walkability and all that NYC has to offer for children. So.... your offer isn't very enticing for people who otherwise have no interest in living in DC.


Will you do what your mom does now for your adult kids some day?


Not PP. I fully intend to do the same for my adult children.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2024 20:54     Subject: How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?
Grandma who got called a servant. In our culture parents help when and where they can. I’m not a servant it’s my choice. My kids have demanding jobs and wanted to start their family while they were still young and I support that. The help I give allows me precious time with my grandson and gives them the ability to enjoy their time with their baby more by not being weighed down with tasks at home. I have the time and it’s my pleasure to help them. They money being saved on a cleaning service is going into my grandsons college account. We are all satisfied no one’s feels taken advantage of disrespected or smothered.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2024 20:36     Subject: How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I moved from a city I loved (New York) and to be close to my parents here when I had my second kid (NOVA). It was a very tough decision because both DH and I love NYC and had lived there since our college years.

Do you know how my mom enticed us? She is retired, Asian (key fact), and together with my dad's help they take care of both my kids FULL-TIME, and does it better than I could because she has the experience and is not stressed from trying to juggle work. They handle all the drops-offs with the older one in part-time preschool, take care of the baby from 8-8pm (and would stay even later if we wanted her to), handle all the sick days. She even manages to ALSO help us out around the house, keeping the house immaculate and always cooking us delicious food. We are literally saving hundreds of thousands of dollars we would have paid in expensive, full time care for both in NYC. We get to see our kids plenty everyday but without the stress. We have time for ourselves, our hobbies, and to spend with each other. We also love seeing our kids develop a strong bond with both of their (real) grandparents. It's honestly brought me closer to my parents than I ever thought I could be.

And even so, we still miss our old NYC life every so often, and we might move back once the kids are in elementary school, because we miss the diversity and walkability and all that NYC has to offer for children. So.... your offer isn't very enticing for people who otherwise have no interest in living in DC.


Will you do what your mom does now for your adult kids some day?


If I am healthy and able - absolutely! My mom and dad are having so much fun taking care of my kids , they say it makes them feel younger.

I know this level of grandparents help isn’t common outside of Asian families. I wasn’t even expecting it because I’m second generation and married an American. My husband is beyond shocked this is not uncommon in Asian families.


I guess I can't relate. My parents would not be able to take care of two small kids that way, at all. They did help during vacations, after birth...But what you describe sounds HARD, like a full time nanny/housekeeper job.


My husband said the same thing. The household dynamic is pretty different in Asian families - it's not uncommon/weird at all for parents to help out around the house. If my MIL tried to help clean up our space I'd be extremely uncomfortable, luckily she never would offer lol. Of course we don't treat her like a servant or anything. When we are not sick or swamped with work we do our own cooking and cleaning, but Asians moms just don't stop moving so when she's over at our house she will be always doing something for us. It's their love language. She still cooks everyday for themselves so she loves nothing more than if we also join with the kids. And when we are over at their house my husband will help with whatever home maintenance issue they happen to have. As for taking care of the kids my dad also helps (he's also retired but in good health) so it's a very different experience for my mom than a full-time nanny who's schlepping two kid around and counting down toward the end of her work day. They love our kids to bits and spam me with selfies of them doing fun stuff all day when I'm working.


Sure, they love to serve! No need for hobbies, self care, spending time with their husbands - just lighting themselves on fire to keep the whole family warm, lest someone thinks she is not a good mother.

Can’t wait to see how the next generation handles this.


Wow. I"m not Asian so this arrangement is foreign to me (but sounds amazing!) But this is the kind of attitude my in-laws, and to a lesser extent, my own parents have, that helping their own children with their own grandkids is a "service" and a "sacrifice." They offer to spend time with the kids when it's convenient for them, but their vacation schedule, their hobbies, their job, their self-care come first. And guess what, we don't go out of our way to see them and they complain about it. Sounds like OP. You get what you are willing to give. You don't get to live your life as you have optimized it but expect your kids and grandkids to orbit around you.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2024 19:25     Subject: How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I moved from a city I loved (New York) and to be close to my parents here when I had my second kid (NOVA). It was a very tough decision because both DH and I love NYC and had lived there since our college years.

Do you know how my mom enticed us? She is retired, Asian (key fact), and together with my dad's help they take care of both my kids FULL-TIME, and does it better than I could because she has the experience and is not stressed from trying to juggle work. They handle all the drops-offs with the older one in part-time preschool, take care of the baby from 8-8pm (and would stay even later if we wanted her to), handle all the sick days. She even manages to ALSO help us out around the house, keeping the house immaculate and always cooking us delicious food. We are literally saving hundreds of thousands of dollars we would have paid in expensive, full time care for both in NYC. We get to see our kids plenty everyday but without the stress. We have time for ourselves, our hobbies, and to spend with each other. We also love seeing our kids develop a strong bond with both of their (real) grandparents. It's honestly brought me closer to my parents than I ever thought I could be.

And even so, we still miss our old NYC life every so often, and we might move back once the kids are in elementary school, because we miss the diversity and walkability and all that NYC has to offer for children. So.... your offer isn't very enticing for people who otherwise have no interest in living in DC.


Will you do what your mom does now for your adult kids some day?


If I am healthy and able - absolutely! My mom and dad are having so much fun taking care of my kids , they say it makes them feel younger.

I know this level of grandparents help isn’t common outside of Asian families. I wasn’t even expecting it because I’m second generation and married an American. My husband is beyond shocked this is not uncommon in Asian families.


I guess I can't relate. My parents would not be able to take care of two small kids that way, at all. They did help during vacations, after birth...But what you describe sounds HARD, like a full time nanny/housekeeper job.


My husband said the same thing. The household dynamic is pretty different in Asian families - it's not uncommon/weird at all for parents to help out around the house. If my MIL tried to help clean up our space I'd be extremely uncomfortable, luckily she never would offer lol. Of course we don't treat her like a servant or anything. When we are not sick or swamped with work we do our own cooking and cleaning, but Asians moms just don't stop moving so when she's over at our house she will be always doing something for us. It's their love language. She still cooks everyday for themselves so she loves nothing more than if we also join with the kids. And when we are over at their house my husband will help with whatever home maintenance issue they happen to have. As for taking care of the kids my dad also helps (he's also retired but in good health) so it's a very different experience for my mom than a full-time nanny who's schlepping two kid around and counting down toward the end of her work day. They love our kids to bits and spam me with selfies of them doing fun stuff all day when I'm working.


Sure, they love to serve! No need for hobbies, self care, spending time with their husbands - just lighting themselves on fire to keep the whole family warm, lest someone thinks she is not a good mother.

Can’t wait to see how the next generation handles this.


lol that might describe my dad who's been kind of in a slump since his retirement but my mom has more friends than I do and is a top ranked (amateur) ballroom dancer. Her other hobby is cooking and baking but i guess it doesn't count since her family and grandkids "benefit" from it!
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2024 16:29     Subject: How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I moved from a city I loved (New York) and to be close to my parents here when I had my second kid (NOVA). It was a very tough decision because both DH and I love NYC and had lived there since our college years.

Do you know how my mom enticed us? She is retired, Asian (key fact), and together with my dad's help they take care of both my kids FULL-TIME, and does it better than I could because she has the experience and is not stressed from trying to juggle work. They handle all the drops-offs with the older one in part-time preschool, take care of the baby from 8-8pm (and would stay even later if we wanted her to), handle all the sick days. She even manages to ALSO help us out around the house, keeping the house immaculate and always cooking us delicious food. We are literally saving hundreds of thousands of dollars we would have paid in expensive, full time care for both in NYC. We get to see our kids plenty everyday but without the stress. We have time for ourselves, our hobbies, and to spend with each other. We also love seeing our kids develop a strong bond with both of their (real) grandparents. It's honestly brought me closer to my parents than I ever thought I could be.

And even so, we still miss our old NYC life every so often, and we might move back once the kids are in elementary school, because we miss the diversity and walkability and all that NYC has to offer for children. So.... your offer isn't very enticing for people who otherwise have no interest in living in DC.


Will you do what your mom does now for your adult kids some day?


If I am healthy and able - absolutely! My mom and dad are having so much fun taking care of my kids , they say it makes them feel younger.

I know this level of grandparents help isn’t common outside of Asian families. I wasn’t even expecting it because I’m second generation and married an American. My husband is beyond shocked this is not uncommon in Asian families.


I guess I can't relate. My parents would not be able to take care of two small kids that way, at all. They did help during vacations, after birth...But what you describe sounds HARD, like a full time nanny/housekeeper job.


My husband said the same thing. The household dynamic is pretty different in Asian families - it's not uncommon/weird at all for parents to help out around the house. If my MIL tried to help clean up our space I'd be extremely uncomfortable, luckily she never would offer lol. Of course we don't treat her like a servant or anything. When we are not sick or swamped with work we do our own cooking and cleaning, but Asians moms just don't stop moving so when she's over at our house she will be always doing something for us. It's their love language. She still cooks everyday for themselves so she loves nothing more than if we also join with the kids. And when we are over at their house my husband will help with whatever home maintenance issue they happen to have. As for taking care of the kids my dad also helps (he's also retired but in good health) so it's a very different experience for my mom than a full-time nanny who's schlepping two kid around and counting down toward the end of her work day. They love our kids to bits and spam me with selfies of them doing fun stuff all day when I'm working.


Sure, they love to serve! No need for hobbies, self care, spending time with their husbands - just lighting themselves on fire to keep the whole family warm, lest someone thinks she is not a good mother.

Can’t wait to see how the next generation handles this.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2024 16:18     Subject: How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have my grandson 2.5 days a week. I work my hours around their schedule and I sacrifice to do so. I do their laundry and clean the house while I am there. I am a dog sitter and I watch my grandson while they are on international vacations several times a year. My son and his wife met in Texas during grad school. Hee parents are in Texas so I am the primary grandparent. I am a young grandma mid 50s divorced and don’t date.


Are they not embarrassed by this? I would feel terrible asking my mom to be my servant. I get the childcare aspect but not the rest.


Servant? So strange to view it that way. My grandparents were extremely involved in our lives. And it helped my parents immensely. I plan to pay that forward. It’s not service. It’s family. Something that ppl on this board continually exhibit they have to respect for.


Yes, servant who cooks and cleans. That's beyond childcare. I had very involved grandparents who watched us weekly too, but they never did that!!
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2024 16:08     Subject: How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?
Both my parents and my ILs live in places DH and I just won't live. Job market is bad both places and my parents additionally live in a place with HCOL (yes with bad job market -- mountain town with a lot of rich people working remotely and second and third homes). Living near them has never really been an option. After we had a kid we realized how great it would be to be close to them but it's just noat an option. It's not even that we want free childcare -- we just wish our kid had more family in her life.

DH and I stopped at one kid and have resolved to try and move close to her if she'll have us when she's grown and has kids. It's easier for us to follow her where her job and life take her than for her to confine herself to where we are. And we know how much it matters.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2024 16:00     Subject: How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would think they don't like DC-- it's important to remember they aren't from DC and have no friends or emotional attachment to it. You like it because you already live here and you're choosing to prioritize your husband's career needs. Just like they want to be in the best place for their industry.

But also, they probably just don't want that kind of relationship with you. Grandparent "help" with childcare usually comes with a lot of strings attached, and requires the AC to accept a lot of out-of-date methods and a lot of screen time. And being near you will come with the expectation of spending a lot more time with you socially, so they might not be any less exhausted even if you do provide some childcare. My ILs moved near my BIL and his three children, and he and his wife absolutely hate it. Yes there's some childcare help, but it's only when the ILs can fit it into their "busy" schedule of mahjongg and golf, so it's not reliable. And it comes with the expectation of a lot of family get-togethers and also that BIL will help them with all kinds of household chores. It's not saving BIL and his wife any time or hassle, it's just trading one set of problems for another. And of course, BIL and his wife are the first responders for any and all medical issues. You think you won't have them soon, but you will-- that's how life goes in your 50s and 60s. So it doesn't surprise me at all that your kids don't want to make this deal.


Wait, what's wrong with screen time?

And new "methods" are not necessarily better.


This is a great example of what I'm talking about. Personally, I'm not especially anti-screen time, but I know that some grandparent caregivers rely on hours of it because they're not able to keep up with the demands of young kids and need an afternoon break. Or they don't agree that too much is bad. Or they insist on blaring their own TV all day long and the kids are seeing all kinds of stuff on the news that isn't age-appropriate.

Young parents who pay for childcare can choose a childcare provider that they like. They don't have to engage in debates about screen time or about whether new methods are better, and the provider will (ideally) be a professional and not take it personally if you don't want your child raised 80s/90s style. Having to have these conversations with a grandparent caregiver is unpleasant and many adult children prefer to avoid it. And you have to think, what if something really terrible happened (like the grandparent didn't use a car seat and there was an accident) or something, it would be really difficult for family relationships. Having a paid caregiver allows you to avoid that.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2024 15:52     Subject: How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Seriously? I wouldn't think twice about this although the way you are writing makes me think there is something more to the story.

The idea of expecting a person to relocate their family (presumably the AC with the kid has a partner?) across the country for you is odd.

You think both should give up whatever life they have to relocate to be near you because they could potentially get a job in DC?


What I am trying to say is, the very fact that you think your kid should relocate his/her whole family to DC, which they don't like, with the only consideration being your presence would in itself be a huge red flag to any AC and spouse. And while I would never say otherwise it's personal, unless there are cultural issues at play, if this is the way you think toward your AC and partner, I would imagine it COULD be personal. That is the fact.


This is exactly right.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2024 15:37     Subject: How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have my grandson 2.5 days a week. I work my hours around their schedule and I sacrifice to do so. I do their laundry and clean the house while I am there. I am a dog sitter and I watch my grandson while they are on international vacations several times a year. My son and his wife met in Texas during grad school. Hee parents are in Texas so I am the primary grandparent. I am a young grandma mid 50s divorced and don’t date.


Are they not embarrassed by this? I would feel terrible asking my mom to be my servant. I get the childcare aspect but not the rest.


Servant? So strange to view it that way. My grandparents were extremely involved in our lives. And it helped my parents immensely. I plan to pay that forward. It’s not service. It’s family. Something that ppl on this board continually exhibit they have to respect for.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2024 13:36     Subject: How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?
Anonymous wrote:I would think they don't like DC-- it's important to remember they aren't from DC and have no friends or emotional attachment to it. You like it because you already live here and you're choosing to prioritize your husband's career needs. Just like they want to be in the best place for their industry.

But also, they probably just don't want that kind of relationship with you. Grandparent "help" with childcare usually comes with a lot of strings attached, and requires the AC to accept a lot of out-of-date methods and a lot of screen time. And being near you will come with the expectation of spending a lot more time with you socially, so they might not be any less exhausted even if you do provide some childcare. My ILs moved near my BIL and his three children, and he and his wife absolutely hate it. Yes there's some childcare help, but it's only when the ILs can fit it into their "busy" schedule of mahjongg and golf, so it's not reliable. And it comes with the expectation of a lot of family get-togethers and also that BIL will help them with all kinds of household chores. It's not saving BIL and his wife any time or hassle, it's just trading one set of problems for another. And of course, BIL and his wife are the first responders for any and all medical issues. You think you won't have them soon, but you will-- that's how life goes in your 50s and 60s. So it doesn't surprise me at all that your kids don't want to make this deal.


Wait, what's wrong with screen time?

And new "methods" are not necessarily better.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2024 13:28     Subject: How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I moved from a city I loved (New York) and to be close to my parents here when I had my second kid (NOVA). It was a very tough decision because both DH and I love NYC and had lived there since our college years.

Do you know how my mom enticed us? She is retired, Asian (key fact), and together with my dad's help they take care of both my kids FULL-TIME, and does it better than I could because she has the experience and is not stressed from trying to juggle work. They handle all the drops-offs with the older one in part-time preschool, take care of the baby from 8-8pm (and would stay even later if we wanted her to), handle all the sick days. She even manages to ALSO help us out around the house, keeping the house immaculate and always cooking us delicious food. We are literally saving hundreds of thousands of dollars we would have paid in expensive, full time care for both in NYC. We get to see our kids plenty everyday but without the stress. We have time for ourselves, our hobbies, and to spend with each other. We also love seeing our kids develop a strong bond with both of their (real) grandparents. It's honestly brought me closer to my parents than I ever thought I could be.

And even so, we still miss our old NYC life every so often, and we might move back once the kids are in elementary school, because we miss the diversity and walkability and all that NYC has to offer for children. So.... your offer isn't very enticing for people who otherwise have no interest in living in DC.


Will you do what your mom does now for your adult kids some day?


If I am healthy and able - absolutely! My mom and dad are having so much fun taking care of my kids , they say it makes them feel younger.

I know this level of grandparents help isn’t common outside of Asian families. I wasn’t even expecting it because I’m second generation and married an American. My husband is beyond shocked this is not uncommon in Asian families.


You are very fortunate (as you note) and this is one aspect of Asian cultures that I admire and respect. We humans were not meant to parent in nuclear family units as we do in this country - it causes a lot of hardship for parents, and distance among family members IMO.


I am. It took this experience for me to let go of some of the angst/resentment I had toward my parents growing up (all the not so great things about asian parents). I never realized that this is a huge and unique way Asian parents express their love and support for their adult children - how much they are willing to do for their grandkids and make their AC's lives easier even when yes, they are full grown, independent adults. I've never seen or heard of any American grandparents do something like this.

And back to OP's question - I don't think OP is/was necessarily a bad parent, who knows, but the kind of close, self-selected intergenerational living she is expecting is a lot more common in Asian families because of the mutual support parents will give (and receive) with their adult children.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2024 13:19     Subject: How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I moved from a city I loved (New York) and to be close to my parents here when I had my second kid (NOVA). It was a very tough decision because both DH and I love NYC and had lived there since our college years.

Do you know how my mom enticed us? She is retired, Asian (key fact), and together with my dad's help they take care of both my kids FULL-TIME, and does it better than I could because she has the experience and is not stressed from trying to juggle work. They handle all the drops-offs with the older one in part-time preschool, take care of the baby from 8-8pm (and would stay even later if we wanted her to), handle all the sick days. She even manages to ALSO help us out around the house, keeping the house immaculate and always cooking us delicious food. We are literally saving hundreds of thousands of dollars we would have paid in expensive, full time care for both in NYC. We get to see our kids plenty everyday but without the stress. We have time for ourselves, our hobbies, and to spend with each other. We also love seeing our kids develop a strong bond with both of their (real) grandparents. It's honestly brought me closer to my parents than I ever thought I could be.

And even so, we still miss our old NYC life every so often, and we might move back once the kids are in elementary school, because we miss the diversity and walkability and all that NYC has to offer for children. So.... your offer isn't very enticing for people who otherwise have no interest in living in DC.


Will you do what your mom does now for your adult kids some day?


If I am healthy and able - absolutely! My mom and dad are having so much fun taking care of my kids , they say it makes them feel younger.

I know this level of grandparents help isn’t common outside of Asian families. I wasn’t even expecting it because I’m second generation and married an American. My husband is beyond shocked this is not uncommon in Asian families.


I guess I can't relate. My parents would not be able to take care of two small kids that way, at all. They did help during vacations, after birth...But what you describe sounds HARD, like a full time nanny/housekeeper job.


My husband said the same thing. The household dynamic is pretty different in Asian families - it's not uncommon/weird at all for parents to help out around the house. If my MIL tried to help clean up our space I'd be extremely uncomfortable, luckily she never would offer lol. Of course we don't treat her like a servant or anything. When we are not sick or swamped with work we do our own cooking and cleaning, but Asians moms just don't stop moving so when she's over at our house she will be always doing something for us. It's their love language. She still cooks everyday for themselves so she loves nothing more than if we also join with the kids. And when we are over at their house my husband will help with whatever home maintenance issue they happen to have. As for taking care of the kids my dad also helps (he's also retired but in good health) so it's a very different experience for my mom than a full-time nanny who's schlepping two kid around and counting down toward the end of her work day. They love our kids to bits and spam me with selfies of them doing fun stuff all day when I'm working.