8 years and My DH kept this from me.

He is cheating too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Responding as the wife cheated upon, apparently for years. I would have wanted to know sooner and would have appreciated being told. My life has changed dramatically and we have kids. But I truly regret that I did not know earlier, I did not have the full information and agency to make important decisions that impacted my life, career, and health. Please don't participate in making a fool of another woman and keeping another woman in the dark if you can help it.

I am curious about all the people who say don't say anything. Genuinely curious if you are saying this as a betrayed spouse or not.

I am a betrayed spouse and understand where you are coming from, but if I understand this situation correctly, the OP's husband does not agree with telling the wife directly. I don't think it's fair to expect the OP to create conflict in her own marriage over this. With that in mind, I think having the OP's husband tell the friend that they both know and they want him to come clean is the best option in a situation with no good options.

Thank you. I decline to create conflict in my own marriage over this couple. The best I can do is not be fake friends with either.

WTF? You are not creating conflict in your marriage, your DH and his friend are. I would never defer to my husband if he was asking me to do something I considered unethical in order to keep the peace in my marriage. I could never have any peace with myself if I participated in gaslighting another woman. Also, I would never trust my husband again if he insisted I keep such a gross secret - just shows he has no ethics.

Your husband needs to grow up - not threaten the safety of your marriage over this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DH should tell friend exactly what happened, that you know and are struggling with the information and whether to tell wife. Maybe that will compel friend to come clean or end the affair.

After reading all the responses, I think this is the plan. Of course Best Friend could always lie about what he will or won’t do, but I’ve no wish to be further involved much less play private investigator. Unfortunately, this also means my friendship with this couple is over, as I can’t rightly count myself a friend to the wife in choosing to keep this from her and I’ve lost all respect for the husband.

I agree this is the probably the best you can do in this situation. I'm sorry OP. This is sad for everyone involved.

I think this is the worst decision. It puts OP's DH in the awkward position of telling his friend that he told OP. The friend isn't going to tell his wife. But it will certainly make things awkward and probably kill the friendship for all involved without even delivering the info to the wife.

OP should just keep it to herself, as should OP's DH. Let these folks work out their own situation. I agree with the PP that I would NOT want to hear about this from a friend. That would only make things worse. Why not let the wife live in peace? I am in the ignorance is bliss camp.

Ignorance is bliss?

How nice to live in a fantasy world where you believe your husband is your best friend, loyal and kind - when the reality is his sweet words are a lie, valentines and anniversary gifts are a lie. You are a joke to your husbands gf - and nobody will tell you. Everyone wants to keep it a secret. How lovely!

GF who has to wait 18 years living in the shadows for something that may or may not ever happen? Believe me, when kids are ready for college there’s no way this guy gives up half his net worth for someone who’s been giving it up all this time for nothing.

It ain’t happening. I know 4 women that played the long game and the guys never had any intention of leaving the wife. They just kick the can down the road to keep that side action.

Anonymous wrote:Consider that if nothing has changed in 8 years, maybe the whole thing is working.

Right? The wife may be perfectly aware of it

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her.

No.
Do NOT tell her.

To you, this is gossip. You don’t know this for a fact. You heard it second hand from your DH. And DH was told in confidence.

If you are the one to tell her and she didn’t know already, then you will forever be associated in her mind as the one who told her this terrible thing about her husband that you can’t even know is true. And her husband can just say “I don’t know where she got that idea!”

It will also destroy your husband’s relationship with his friend (for spilling this secret) AND with the wife (bc he kept the secret from her for 8 years!)—so regardless of what happens, if you tell her, it ruins the friendship that the four of you share in some way or another.

Finally—if you tell her and she already knows, then you’ve destroyed her ability to just ignore it and live with it bc now she’s humiliated and has to acknowledge it since you know.

Bottom line is stay out of it.

And also of your DH is willing to keep that secret for that long, I suggest you watch your own relationship. (There’s no way my DH would “cover” for a friend’s infidelity for 8 years)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DH should tell friend exactly what happened, that you know and are struggling with the information and whether to tell wife. Maybe that will compel friend to come clean or end the affair.

After reading all the responses, I think this is the plan. Of course Best Friend could always lie about what he will or won’t do, but I’ve no wish to be further involved much less play private investigator. Unfortunately, this also means my friendship with this couple is over, as I can’t rightly count myself a friend to the wife in choosing to keep this from her and I’ve lost all respect for the husband.

I agree this is the probably the best you can do in this situation. I'm sorry OP. This is sad for everyone involved.

I think this is the worst decision. It puts OP's DH in the awkward position of telling his friend that he told OP. The friend isn't going to tell his wife. But it will certainly make things awkward and probably kill the friendship for all involved without even delivering the info to the wife.

OP should just keep it to herself, as should OP's DH. Let these folks work out their own situation. I agree with the PP that I would NOT want to hear about this from a friend. That would only make things worse. Why not let the wife live in peace? I am in the ignorance is bliss camp.

Ignorance is bliss?

How nice to live in a fantasy world where you believe your husband is your best friend, loyal and kind - when the reality is his sweet words are a lie, valentines and anniversary gifts are a lie. You are a joke to your husbands gf - and nobody will tell you. Everyone wants to keep it a secret. How lovely!

GF who has to wait 18 years living in the shadows for something that may or may not ever happen? Believe me, when kids are ready for college there’s no way this guy gives up half his net worth for someone who’s been giving it up all this time for nothing.

Not that this is even relevant, but the AP/college girlfriend is independently wealthy, far more so than Best Friend and his DW. DH suspects she will not marry Best Friend, at least not without a prenup, even if Best Friend does eventually get a divorce.

All the more reason he won’t be giving up half his net worth to his ex wife to be with the AP that won’t enrich him at all.

OP again, sorry for getting off-topic with the post above. I’m just tired of ridiculous logic that suggests only men cheat or only men have assets or whatever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DH should tell friend exactly what happened, that you know and are struggling with the information and whether to tell wife. Maybe that will compel friend to come clean or end the affair.

After reading all the responses, I think this is the plan. Of course Best Friend could always lie about what he will or won’t do, but I’ve no wish to be further involved much less play private investigator. Unfortunately, this also means my friendship with this couple is over, as I can’t rightly count myself a friend to the wife in choosing to keep this from her and I’ve lost all respect for the husband.

I agree this is the probably the best you can do in this situation. I'm sorry OP. This is sad for everyone involved.

I think this is the worst decision. It puts OP's DH in the awkward position of telling his friend that he told OP. The friend isn't going to tell his wife. But it will certainly make things awkward and probably kill the friendship for all involved without even delivering the info to the wife.

OP should just keep it to herself, as should OP's DH. Let these folks work out their own situation. I agree with the PP that I would NOT want to hear about this from a friend. That would only make things worse. Why not let the wife live in peace? I am in the ignorance is bliss camp.

Ignorance is bliss?

How nice to live in a fantasy world where you believe your husband is your best friend, loyal and kind - when the reality is his sweet words are a lie, valentines and anniversary gifts are a lie. You are a joke to your husbands gf - and nobody will tell you. Everyone wants to keep it a secret. How lovely!

GF who has to wait 18 years living in the shadows for something that may or may not ever happen? Believe me, when kids are ready for college there’s no way this guy gives up half his net worth for someone who’s been giving it up all this time for nothing.

Not that this is even relevant, but the AP/college girlfriend is independently wealthy, far more so than Best Friend and his DW. DH suspects she will not marry Best Friend, at least not without a prenup, even if Best Friend does eventually get a divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

OP again. For those PPs who keep insisting the wife already knows: According to DH, Best Friend himself does not believe his wife knows and they certainly have not had any conversations about “maintaining the status quo.” His intention is to divorce her when their DC is older to be with his affair partner/college girlfriend.

OP, I am the PP that suggested the advice it sounds like you will follow. I will add that I would need to end my friendship with your DH's friend, and I think I would encourage my DH to distance himself from this guy. What he is doing to his wife reflects such a lack of character and loyalty that my view of that guy would be changed forever, and I would assume that those character traits show up elsewhere in his life.

That guy is stealing years from his wife. The level of betrayal is awful. I do think she needs to know the truth of her own life, but I still think my earlier advice might be as far as I would be willing to go in respect of my own marriage. But since this guy is planning to roll this forward for years, imagine if the friend's wife inherits a lot of money or experiences other life-altering events or makes life-changing decisions based on a totally false sense of reality. This is just a terrible situation.

Thank you for your advice, PP! Yes, DH will inform Best Friend that I am ending my friendship with both husband and wife, which means DH will no longer be seeing Best Friend as often as before since I am the de facto keeper of the family social calendar. It will be up to Best Friend to explain (or not) to his DW.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DH should tell friend exactly what happened, that you know and are struggling with the information and whether to tell wife. Maybe that will compel friend to come clean or end the affair.

After reading all the responses, I think this is the plan. Of course Best Friend could always lie about what he will or won’t do, but I’ve no wish to be further involved much less play private investigator. Unfortunately, this also means my friendship with this couple is over, as I can’t rightly count myself a friend to the wife in choosing to keep this from her and I’ve lost all respect for the husband.

I agree this is the probably the best you can do in this situation. I'm sorry OP. This is sad for everyone involved.

I think this is the worst decision. It puts OP's DH in the awkward position of telling his friend that he told OP. The friend isn't going to tell his wife. But it will certainly make things awkward and probably kill the friendship for all involved without even delivering the info to the wife.

OP should just keep it to herself, as should OP's DH. Let these folks work out their own situation. I agree with the PP that I would NOT want to hear about this from a friend. That would only make things worse. Why not let the wife live in peace? I am in the ignorance is bliss camp.

Ignorance is bliss?

How nice to live in a fantasy world where you believe your husband is your best friend, loyal and kind - when the reality is his sweet words are a lie, valentines and anniversary gifts are a lie. You are a joke to your husbands gf - and nobody will tell you. Everyone wants to keep it a secret. How lovely!

GF who has to wait 18 years living in the shadows for something that may or may not ever happen? Believe me, when kids are ready for college there’s no way this guy gives up half his net worth for someone who’s been giving it up all this time for nothing.

Anonymous wrote:I would be more concerned that my husband seemed to think it was ok to keep this secret from you for 8 years while your families kept bonding and getting closer. I would find this really upsetting and question my husband’s character. My husband has had a few long-standing friends of decades make questionable life questions. It results in the friendship cooling off considerably.

Kind of agree with this. You’re in a bad position.

OP again. For those PPs who keep insisting the wife already knows: According to DH, Best Friend himself does not believe his wife knows and they certainly have not had any conversations about “maintaining the status quo.” His intention is to divorce her when their DC is older to be with his affair partner/college girlfriend.

OP, I am the PP that suggested the advice it sounds like you will follow. I will add that I would need to end my friendship with your DH's friend, and I think I would encourage my DH to distance himself from this guy. What he is doing to his wife reflects such a lack of character and loyalty that my view of that guy would be changed forever, and I would assume that those character traits show up elsewhere in his life.

That guy is stealing years from his wife. The level of betrayal is awful. I do think she needs to know the truth of her own life, but I still think my earlier advice might be as far as I would be willing to go in respect of my own marriage. But since this guy is planning to roll this forward for years, imagine if the friend's wife inherits a lot of money or experiences other life-altering events or makes life-changing decisions based on a totally false sense of reality. This is just a terrible situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DH should tell friend exactly what happened, that you know and are struggling with the information and whether to tell wife. Maybe that will compel friend to come clean or end the affair.

After reading all the responses, I think this is the plan. Of course Best Friend could always lie about what he will or won’t do, but I’ve no wish to be further involved much less play private investigator. Unfortunately, this also means my friendship with this couple is over, as I can’t rightly count myself a friend to the wife in choosing to keep this from her and I’ve lost all respect for the husband.

I agree this is the probably the best you can do in this situation. I'm sorry OP. This is sad for everyone involved.

I think this is the worst decision. It puts OP's DH in the awkward position of telling his friend that he told OP. The friend isn't going to tell his wife. But it will certainly make things awkward and probably kill the friendship for all involved without even delivering the info to the wife.

OP should just keep it to herself, as should OP's DH. Let these folks work out their own situation. I agree with the PP that I would NOT want to hear about this from a friend. That would only make things worse. Why not let the wife live in peace? I am in the ignorance is bliss camp.

Ignorance is bliss?

How nice to live in a fantasy world where you believe your husband is your best friend, loyal and kind - when the reality is his sweet words are a lie, valentines and anniversary gifts are a lie. You are a joke to your husbands gf - and nobody will tell you. Everyone wants to keep it a secret. How lovely!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Responding as the wife cheated upon, apparently for years. I would have wanted to know sooner and would have appreciated being told. My life has changed dramatically and we have kids. But I truly regret that I did not know earlier, I did not have the full information and agency to make important decisions that impacted my life, career, and health. Please don't participate in making a fool of another woman and keeping another woman in the dark if you can help it.

I am curious about all the people who say don't say anything. Genuinely curious if you are saying this as a betrayed spouse or not.

I am a betrayed spouse and understand where you are coming from, but if I understand this situation correctly, the OP's husband does not agree with telling the wife directly. I don't think it's fair to expect the OP to create conflict in her own marriage over this. With that in mind, I think having the OP's husband tell the friend that they both know and they want him to come clean is the best option in a situation with no good options.

Thank you. I decline to create conflict in my own marriage over this couple. The best I can do is not be fake friends with either.

Anonymous wrote:8 years? I bet she knows already. Let it go.

Nah. If these meets up are like once a month—or every few months it’s very possible to carry this on for a very long time with nobody the wiser. And a college friend is easy to write off if a name came up.

A lot of these things aren’t weekly involved—but a bang once in awhile w/out much contact in between.