Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will be very happy to help my ACs. It will require us to buy a huge home together with equal amount of contribution and work out the details of responsibility, respect, rules and roles in a way that no one is taken advantage of.

Frankly, I do not want to take that risk and become vulnerable and dependent to my kids.Why? There is no societal norm for multi-generational joint families in this society. This is a selfish society.

We are a nation of immigrants that left their home countries for freedom and better lives. My parents were on their own at a young age out of necessity, not selfishness. You have no guarantee that your DIL will want to live under your roof. Better have a Plan B.

We are not a nation of immigrants--we are a nation of 2nd-son Englishmen who started a revolution and enslaved individuals who laud the foundation for the success and values of this country. Over the centuries, other have come to take advantage of this, which is fine, but a truth. American didn't start after the 1968 immigration laws.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:not at all shocking

https://www.cnn.com/2024/02/16/health/grandparents-mother-depression-study-wellness/index.html

You, and only you, are responsible for your children. Help from family or friends is up to them and you should never expect full time child care or full time maids or cooks. Your house and your responsibility.

It takes a village

If your village is 70+ you screwed yourself per the article. Seems obvious.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:not at all shocking

https://www.cnn.com/2024/02/16/health/grandparents-mother-depression-study-wellness/index.html

You, and only you, are responsible for your children. Help from family or friends is up to them and you should never expect full time child care or full time maids or cooks. Your house and your responsibility.

It takes a village

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I chose to move to Fairfax County near my parents and it’s my #1 parenting hack.

How is that a "hack?"

Less stress. Try it!

Anonymous wrote:I will be very happy to help my ACs. It will require us to buy a huge home together with equal amount of contribution and work out the details of responsibility, respect, rules and roles in a way that no one is taken advantage of.

Frankly, I do not want to take that risk and become vulnerable and dependent to my kids.Why? There is no societal norm for multi-generational joint families in this society. This is a selfish society.

We are a nation of immigrants that left their home countries for freedom and better lives. My parents were on their own at a young age out of necessity, not selfishness. You have no guarantee that your DIL will want to live under your roof. Better have a Plan B.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think the window for “grandparent help” is small these days…they have to be old enough not to be working FT yet young enough to be capable kwim?

In our case, my parents were still young enough to be working FT when my kids were small- and DH’s were quite elderly already and not up to helping care for small kids.

Both sets of our parents had a lot of help- but the grandmothers did not work, and were younger.

[/quote]

Our parents have been great. Ours retired in their 60s (pensions), my mom at 58. They're in shape physically and mentally. Yes, we had our 1st when I was 27 so a teen mom by DC standards. My parents and in-laws are much more helpful and WANTING to be around than mine were, aside from 1 week in the summer.[/quote]

You're lucky. We had twins at 30 but my parents were older and ILs still working. There were maybe 5 years where they could stay for a few days to help when the nanny was there during the day so DH and I could go away. Otherwise, it was just us and the nanny. Most of my friends didn't have parent help, either. It's ok--we didn't expect it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was young and not working when we had our twins but her help had strings attached. Basically if she helped us the our twins, then we owed her to ‘take care of her’ when she got old and was no longer independent!

Yeah, that’s kind of how it’s supposed to work. My dad jokes with my kids “I changed your diapers, and someday you can help change my diapers”.

Sorry I’m not changing my MIL’s diapers because she came to visit to help with the kids when they were little!

+1. Fortunately, this doesn't appear to be the norm in the Jewish UMC family I married into. The elderly are placed in care facilities if they can't afford in-home care.