Anonymous
Post 11/21/2023 16:20     Subject: I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you know you need to get your support elsewhere.

I think what is throwing posters off here is that you don't explicitly state malignant vs benign. It's your right to frame the question however you like with as much/little detail as you like but that is what is bringing out the anger/frustration in people here. I wonder if that is the issue with your husband- that he feels this is much hubbub about nothing.


I know OP responded but I honestly don't get this. I would be terrified of any type of brain tumor and related surgery! How can anyone think that's nothing?
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2023 15:57     Subject: I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:He is sticking with you in illness and in health; he can’t give empathy the way your require it. Maybe you need to share your worries with a therapist, a friend, or a parent.

PP's version of their marriage vows: "In sickness and in health, but don't expect much emotional or mental support from me."
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2023 15:28     Subject: I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you know you need to get your support elsewhere.

I think what is throwing posters off here is that you don't explicitly state malignant vs benign. It's your right to frame the question however you like with as much/little detail as you like but that is what is bringing out the anger/frustration in people here. I wonder if that is the issue with your husband- that he feels this is much hubbub about nothing.


Malignant. It is cancer. I'm guess I'm struggling to understand why NOT saying that so specifically is so frustrating to people in this discussion. I believe I shared enough of the health details to convey that this is a very serious situation **for me** but if someone here disagrees, feel free to ignore the whole thing. I guess I was hoping for more focus on the relationship part of my story and question. I appreciate the comments that have shared different perspectives around that and I have found many of them helpful in how I've been thinking about this.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2023 03:19     Subject: I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?
OP, I think you know you need to get your support elsewhere.

I think what is throwing posters off here is that you don't explicitly state malignant vs benign. It's your right to frame the question however you like with as much/little detail as you like but that is what is bringing out the anger/frustration in people here. I wonder if that is the issue with your husband- that he feels this is much hubbub about nothing.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2023 02:05     Subject: I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?
He is sticking with you in illness and in health; he can’t give empathy the way your require it. Maybe you need to share your worries with a therapist, a friend, or a parent.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2023 23:33     Subject: I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What do you want from him exactly? Is this cancer tumor?


I want to be able to talk to my spouse about how scared and worried I am without him getting angry at me (as though he thinks I did something to cause this just to annoy him). I also want him to ask me how I'm doing once in a while. I want to feel seen during a difficult time, and not ignored.

I think my expectations are pretty realistic.


I agree and I think I'd be so hurt that this would probably irreparably damage the marriage for me.

As for what I would do - I'd focus on me and getting myself well. I'd tell him point blank that his refusal to allow you to speak about this and his refusal to go to counseling are enormously hurtful and stressful. And then I'd work with my therapist to help me address it.

I don't have much sympathy for the person not dealing with the illness here. He needs to step up.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2023 22:16     Subject: I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is your doctor waiting 3 years to remove a cancerous tumour? This doesnt sound remotely real


It's not real. I work in the field. Never heard of this gibberish.


The field of all cancer? They absolutely wait to remove some cancers. A slow-growing brain cancer might be monitored to see if it needs removing. Sometimes they grow slow enough that it’s safer to let them be.


Could it be a meningioma? Often its watched to see if it grows, removed if so. Often called a tumor and not a cancer.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2023 22:04     Subject: I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It is hard as hell to go through this—for the patient AND for the spouse.

OP, what does he say when you tell him you need him to do xyz things that you need?


So far, nothing much. Right now I want to be able to talk to him and feel like he understands that I am worried and a little support would sure be nice. I am intentionally not telling a lot of others in our lives for some specific reasons. I don't have a big family, my parents have both passed, my sister is dealing with a very significant health issue with my niece right now and there is nothing happening immediately for me so I don't want to add this to what she has to think about. I'm definitely not ready to tell work so I don't want to tell anyone that might share the news, say something on social media, etc., and I'm not ready to tell my kids until I am preparing for surgery. I realize I am limiting the support I could get but these are the choices I'm intentionally making for reasons that are important to me so I'm not going to change them now.

I realize it's hard to be someone's sidekick on a cancer diagnosis and that he is going through something, too, but it sure feels disappointing that he is unable to have a conversation with me about a big thing like this. We spend more time talking about watering our plants than we have talked about my health scare.


Sorry, it’s not clear: what have you said to him about the kind of support you would like him to be providing and what does he say when you say whatever that is?

This is not a question about the rest of your support system. This is a question about what you have asked him to do and how he has responded to being asked.

You have asked him, yes?
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2023 20:51     Subject: I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:I react with anger when I am afraid. I get mad at the person who is scaring me. They could be emotionally scaring me. Not physically.

Get therapy.

Go read about real men and leaders. Read the letter Ross Perots father typed up for when he was 10.

Excuses get you nowhere. Obstacles are everywhere- you go through them and get stronger, smarter, better.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2023 20:49     Subject: I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He's probably terrified. I'd talk to a therapist instead of him.


This.

Also, caretaker fatigue could be a factor. The more intense the first or main battle, the fewer reserves the caregiver has latter.


List any examples of him giving care to anyone on a decent basis.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2023 20:48     Subject: I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Second primary cancer. My children are adopted so genetic testing isn't needed (thankfully) for them. I have done recently for me.

I had a not great experience in a support group during my last illness, and I also haven't really shared the news outside a couple of friends yet, so I don't feel ready to go to a group thing again.


Oh Lordy the tale grows odder and odder. Adopted babies whilst having cancer.


They were adopted BEFORE my diagnosis. Why is that odd to you?


Well at least they won’t inherit his mental disorders
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2023 20:47     Subject: I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:It's sad that OP cannot lean on her husband in troubled times, and that she has to go outside to deal with her issues. How sad.

I bet if the situation was reversed, OP would be there for her husband.

IMO, he's pathetic.


This

QED

Go spend time with real people OP. Not head in the sand types
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2023 20:41     Subject: I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?
The bullying in response to this is sick.

OP here’s what you should do - fight your current battle and lean on friends or other relatives. Accept that he’s not going to be what you need right now. Process the hurt via therapy.

Once you are out of crisis mode, deal with your actual relationship issues. There’s obviously more to the dynamic and that should be explored so you can decide if you want him in your future or not. But this should wait til you are through your treatment.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2023 20:39     Subject: I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Guy, lay off the OP on the waiting to remove tumor thing. Depending on the location sometimes they may need to do radiation or chemo to shrink it enough before operating.

OP, I'm sorry that you're not getting the support you need from your husband. What you need and want are all reasonable. I hope he gets enough of a change of heart and see a therapist at least. *hugs*


Not for 2.5 years.


Yes, actually, for 2.5 years. If you don't like a fact in the story, just move on. I'm not asking for medical advice from a people online who aren't part of my care team so I haven't shared all the details of the diagnosis and what I've done so far. But right now we are waiting, which is hard.


You definitely don’t have to share every painful fact of your story when you ask for advice on DCUM. But sometimes when you tell only part of the story, what we readers are privy to doesn’t make sense, and it’s hard to give advice when we can’t picture what is going on. That’s all. I don’t think anyone is trying to give you medical advice. We’re trying to give you relationship advice where it matters a lot how objectively serious your medical condition is, for example. And we can’t tell that when the details don’t add up. I’m not demanding you tell more. I’m just explaining.

For example, one possible reason there could be a disconnect between you and your husband is if you think this is very serious and life threatening and he does not see it that way. That’s why folks are trying to figure out the facts (I think).
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2023 20:33     Subject: I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?
What does your therapist say, OP? You are of course entitled to leave him if he’s not giving you the support you need. There’s no right or wrong — just what you need and what he needs. And it sounds like there’s a mismatch. It sounds like every day while you’re waiting for surgery is scary for you, and you want to feel like he’s “with you” in the fear and taking it seriously. I get that. But also, it’s not a healthy way to live to be in constant fight or flight for 2.5 years. You don’t actually WANT him to feel that way. If he’s able to be supporting when something is happening, I think you should consider cutting him some major slack for not checking in and asking how you’re doing etc during the passive waiting phase.